Johnny

JTP, so very sorry for the loss of your dearly beloved

My dear wife Rene'e passed away right before Christmas. We were married on Oct. 6th 2018, and she unexpectedly passed away on Nov. 30th 2018. We were only married for just shy of two months. It was to be our first Christmas together and we had managed to put the lights on the tree and half the decorations. She was my first and only marriage and my whole world. I have never had anyone in my life who cared so much for me and everyday we were happily busy planning how we would spend the rest of our lives together; the trips we would take; fixing up our home together; how we would spend the holiday; and on and on....

Our last night together was one of our most tender loving beautiful nights we ever spent together. She just had her hair permed earlier that day and I told her over and over how beautiful I thought she looked.

She passed away in her sleep as she lay in bed beside me due to an accidental mixed prescription overdose. Her son's Christmas present was under her purse lying on the kitchen counter. He was planning to come see us for Christmas in two weeks. He was her only child from her first marriage and was the love of her life. She was so excited that she would be seeing him again so soon. The last time she saw him was on our wedding day. She loved him so much. She had his initials tattooed in the inside of her wrist of her right arm and she would often place it over her heart when she thought of him.

I feel as if I died that night when she died. I do not even feel like the same person. I barely recognize who I am when I look in the mirror. All I can think about is the wonderful life I lost and how much it hurts to have her gone. I can not imagine a future for myself and I have been going through the motions for over five months. It feels like an existence but not a life. All happiness and joy has left me and I feel nothing but pain from the time I wake up till the moment I close my eyes to sleep. This is such a very hard way to live.

I am glad there are people here who understand what it feels like to lose the one person that is the greatest love of their lives; their soulmate; their entire world.

This is a good place with people who really do understand.

On 4/10/2015 at 9:37 PM, mittam99 said:

Most people in my life have no interest in me, it's not their problem.

My family and friends think there is something wrong with me. They are right.

I loved my wife.

Looking at the pictures of my wedding day it is hard for me to imagine now that I am that guy I see in the pictures. I lost my wife so soon after we married. We had not even yet begun to settle into our lives as a married couple. Every day was filled with newness and first. Even the little things we shared took on new meaning because now we were sharing them together for the first time as husband and wife. When we both realized these things shortly after we were married we would just look at each other longingly and smile. We did it. We finally did it and it was perfect. We could not have asked for anything better. All the joy and happiness of that day would fuel all our days ahead.

This is so very, very hard, and I know I am not alone in my feelings of such great unexpected loss. I am truly very thankful for all here. It helps me get through the days somehow.

Today was another difficult day not because of anything that was going on as much as the grief just came back all of the sudden and knocked me to my knees. I wasn't expecting it. It just came out of nowhere and blindsided me. It must have been building all the while I was unawares.

Sometimes I guess it's just like a dam bursting over and there is no holding back the waters.

Our wedding day was the happiest day of my life.

It's only been five months since my loving wife Rene'e passed. She passed away just shy of two months after our wedding day on Nov. 30th right before what would have been our first Christmas together. I have a real tough time opening the freezer because of the wedding cake we placed there for our one year anniversary. I is still there today. I can not bring myself to even think of doing anything with it.

When I try to think of our first year anniversary date coming up without her, I feel as if I'm dying inside. I can not imagine what I will do on that day. I can only pray that I am not alone because I do not feel strong enough to face it.

My favorite wedding picture is a picture of her and I driving away from the Church wedding Chapel in the convertible with our hands clasped raised above our heads smiling at friends and family. My eyes are closed and in that moment I was praying for us to have a long and happy marriage together.

That is what I wanted more than anything in this world. 

KayC, Best wishes for you in the upcoming days.

Once again in my heart I know that you are right. Thank you for your experience and wisdom.

Hello Mitch,

When you said "It's pretty bad when your only contact with other people is basically at work;" describes my life now perfectly. Only now, the people I work with realize I'm not the "Johnny" they were used to before my dear Rene'e passed away. There is no faking it. I know what you are saying, because when you commit yourself so fully and completely to such a single purpose, giving your entire life and all  your love to the person you plan on being with forever, it changes something fundamental way deep down inside. You are not just you any more. You are one half of a greater whole encapsulating you both. Only together, as husband and wife, are you whole again.

This is not the world I lived in before I met Rene'e, and this is not the world I lived in when I was with Rene'e. This is a "Strange World". A world where I am only a half, not a whole anymore.   A world where smiling faces are ever so rare. The smiles no longer are meant for me. I heard about bad things happening, but somehow I was buffered from the bad until it happened to me. It just doesn't seem real until it comes home where it hurts most. And, when it does, it feels like there is just no going back. It would just require to much effort and may not even be possible, forcing me to turn a blind eye to the lurking bad that I know is always out there. I know this firsthand. I know this way down at the center of my being.

Here I am, but I'm not really there. I am always with her, at best, only half here. It seems easier and safer to be alone, but it is not. It's just a facade. This half life alone drains the remaining life away. And, nothing will ever be safe again. It's a very difficult question of how to go on alone, with no joy, no real passion, and very little to look forward to.

It's only going on six months for me, the truth is that the hope and confidence in life I had before is no longer the same hope and confidence I have in life today. I can't imagine myself feeling any different in the future.

I too, hope I can find my way to a better place. I too, hope I can somehow find a way to not hurt so much. I know Rene'e would have wanted me to pick up the pieces and put my life back together again. I have just simply forgotten how to. It all seems so very, very, far away. I want to be the person my wife fell in love with. 😌 

That is who I really am. Not this. This grief ravaged remains.

Mitch, I understand when you said " I don't know how to get beyond "functioning".  How do I transform my existence into something truly meaningful?".

I am "functioning". Functioning doesn't really feel like living. I don't know how to get past this either.

I have heard others say that "if all you have managed to do is make one other persons passage through this life a little easier; lightened their burden; then you have lived a successful life".

I feel that for me life can only be truly meaningful if I were capable of feeling the kind of love I had for my dear beloved wife Rene'e again. I gave that love to her and she took it with her and now it only exist in my heart and in my memories. I think that is the problem, I want that kind of love again but even if I were to find someone else to love, it would be different because it would not be Rene'e.

Life and love just seems less than. The only true meaning now may be to find a way to help others, lighten their burden. 

Dee,

I can not imagine having lived such a long life with your loved one and then having to try to live without him. I do not understand how so many people can find the courage to live a life that seems totally unfamiliar after such long years. I attended a grief share meeting once a week where I met someone like you and I admired her for all her courage. I admire you as well.

Like you say, I think that it is wise to be with people who are understanding of my loss. These people are the ones I feel most comfortable with and it is easy to tell who really understands cause they are always compassionate. They truly wish they could find something to make it just a little bit easier. Even if it is just a kind word, or a gesture of encouragement.

It's tough though because you can tell that there are others who avoid even making eye contact because they are afraid you might make them feel uncomfortable. Most would not even like to think that something similar could happen to them. I was the same. I never wanted to think for a moment that I could lose my beloved.

I am going to continue going to Church. I went before I met my dear wife and I know that she would want that very much. She bought me a beautiful bible with my name inscribed on the cover for my birthday. It still makes me smile when I look at it and think of how good it would feel to be with her again one day. Now I am starting to tear up again.

Thank you Dee. I am glad I am not alone and I am glad I can find comfort from kind people like you. God bless. 

KayC,

I hear clearly what you have said and I think you have done remarkably well to be able to do all the things you have done on your own. I have only just bought my home a year and a half ago. My mortgage payoff is in 2047 and I will be 80 as well. I wasn't so concerned about this at first cause my mortgage payment is less than I can rent an apartment for. What really hurt the most was the truck Rene'e and I purchased together. The only reason I was able to buy the truck was that Rene'e wanted me to have it to make me happy so she agreed that she would pay half the monthly payment and it would be ours. When she passed away I was left with a payment I could not afford and since I didn't want to lose the truck after putting so much money down on it, the only thing I could think to do was pull money out of my retirement early and pay down the principle to lower my monthly payment, which I did.

When I was alone, I worked full time and paid my way through college so it has always been tough but I finally made it and earned my bachelors degree. One year later I bought my house, and one year after that I married the love of my life. Everything was finally coming together for me. I could finally see a better life for myself and I didn't have to look any further. I was the happiest I've ever been. Rene'e did so many things for me to show me how much she loved me. I felt like I was the luckiest person in the world to have found her. I had the wedding I'd always dreamed of and all my family attended. We actually had to bring more chairs into the chapel just to be able to seat all the family and friends. Everyone we invited showed up for the wedding. She was so beautiful.

Everyday after the wedding we would make plans to make our life together. It was to be our first Christmas together. We had so many first to look forward to. And then I too was blindsided. Finding that special person is not an easy thing. We worked very hard at making I life together. We were doing so well. We had so much ahead of us. She had overcome so many hard times as well and made it through all the surgeries and had just gone to the doctor for her final knee replacement appointment follow up. Both her and I could see the light of day finally and now we were excited about settling down and enjoying a much better life together.

Your right, there is nothing that can replace that special person who meant all those things to you. I am somehow thinking about a life that is much less. A life in which I have no idea what may be in my future beyond just trying to maintain. I really don't do well with being alone anymore after knowing just how good it could be when I was with Rene'e.

You don't miss what you never had, and I never had anyone like Rene'e. Before, I only had hope that I would meet someone like her. Your right, people were not meant to live alone. It's a less than life now. I have found that things are overwhelming to me now. I think that this is mostly because I try to project what my life would be like living alone for the remainder of my days and that is just too much for me to imagine. People do tend to stay to themselves and are busy with their lives. Rene'e and I were mostly happy to do the same so I can understand.

It is just so hard when you don't have that support. My neighborhood is a small residential were I used to spend time with an older couple who have both since passed away too. My next door neighbor, bless his heart, just lost his wife about three weeks ago and his son has been to see him every day since, thank goodness. He had open heart surgery a couple of years ago so I worry about him. His daughter lives only a couple of houses down so he has family close by.

I need to practice what you suggest with your dragonfly, "Find Joy In Every Day". I really do not know what God has planned for me. I appreciate your prayers and comforting thoughts and I pray for you as well so in this we are not alone. Thank you KayC. You are very kind.

My "little girl" Arwen. I call her my "Sugar Angel".

David, so sorry for your loss,

My wife passed away lying right beside me as well. Got up to get a sandwich like usual and came back into the bedroom and noticed that she did not seem to be breathing. Called her name while shaking her shoulders gently but she was totally unresponsive. Tried CPR and rescue breathing but Emergency Response personnel told me when they examined her that from their experience she had passed away before I ever tried to help her. I've been coming here to write about it and there are a great number of good caring people here to help me understand what happened to me since . It's just been five months for me since my wife passed, so I understand how terribly difficult it can be losing the one you love most.

This is a great place to talk about everything grief entails without worrying that you will say anything wrong.

Everyone here is so very understanding of all the pain and changes that grief brings on.

I understand how difficult it is to try to perform CPR on the one you love more than anything in this world.

Marty,

Thank you for the resources and thank you for being a friend.

I know there has to be something out there better than this, I just have to find I way.

Reading and hearing from others and how they coped seems like a great way to get me "out of my own head".

I used to really enjoy reading.

Shirley, I appreciate what you said when you said "It doesn't remove the pain, but it does take the edge off."

I wish I could just find a little way such as this to do just that, "take the edge off". I have been to see two different doctors and they both assured me that everything I felt was normal.

It just doesn't feel normal at all. Before, I never used to wake up at 2:00 AM in the morning and toss and turn for four hours until 6:00 AM when I have to get up anyway to prepare for work. This even happens on the weekend. I used to be a big eater, and I liked to cook. Now I have no appetite, I have lost 25 lbs, and I have not been able to put together I decent meal for myself in five months.

When I went to the Doctor because I have been feeling nothing but sadness, he charged me $500.00 and told me I was depressed. Go figure. I could have saved him the trouble and just told myself that I was depressed. Tell me something I don't know.

I am trying to reach out the best I can. My wife and I did what any newlywed couple would after we married, realizing that our combined income would give us the opportunity to buy a nice truck together, which we needed because of the utility, and fix up the home buying new furniture, that is exactly what we did together. Everything was financed, of course. Now I have to maintain everything on just my income alone and this adds more stress during an already stressful time. Unfortunately, I do not have a primary care Doctor to help with the anxiety. I really could use one, but right now I am without health insurance so I lot of options like professional counseling, for example, are off the table. I have checked the referral with whom the Doctor I was able to see gave me, and to see another Doctor would cost me an additional $500.00 plus $250.00 for each additional professional counseling session. If I wasn't feeling bad enough already, by the time I get the bill in the mail, i am sure I would really feel bad then.

I do wish I could get a break from the cycle. Even for just a moment. I know others are probably feeling the same way.

Thanks for understanding and thanks for the hugs.

I want so badly to find just one thing in this world that will help stop the pain. Living twenty years alone and finally finding the love of your life for six months and then back to loneliness. I never ever wanted to go back to facing each day alone without her. The pain is so very great.

This is a difficult topic for me,

I lost all hope and all happiness when my dear wife Rene'e passed away unexpectedly. How in this world could I be anything but depressed? I am doing my very best just to find something to hold on to. I have little or no support from friends and family. This is a very tough road to travel all alone.

All I can see is day to day struggle and unending loneliness.

What kind of life is that? I've been there before and the only thing I know for sure is I never wanted to be there again.

I have absolutely nothing to ease the pain. It is my constant companion.

All I can say is that if you have people in your life, that can certainly make all the difference. Being alone with my grief all the time is unbearable at times.

I went to church and told my friend there how difficult it's been for me. In the same breath, he told me that he understood and then he told me that he would not see me next week in church because him and his wife were going to the beach with another couple.

Like hell he understands. 

Mitch,

I've had one of those terrible soul shaking cries today as well when I set out to try to fulfill one of my dear wife Rene'e's wishes. She saved some things from our wedding so that I could make a shadow box for her to remember that special day we were joined together forever as husband and wife.

I was a little naive about just how difficult this seemingly simple task would be. I knew that seeing the wedding bouquet again would be hard so I was prepared for that. But what I didn't remember at first was the envelope she had put our wedding invitation in. On the outside of that envelope, only a single word was written; "Mine".

Just seeing that one word sent me over the edge.

We had only enough wedding invitations to barely cover all the family and friends we wished to invite. And, after we had all the invitations ready to put in the mail, we only had a single invitation left over.

I clearly remembered her taking that last wedding invitation and placing it in an envelope and writing "Mine" on the outside and looking up at me with the most beautiful smile saying "this one is for the shadow box". We both thought that it was just perfect to have only a single invitation left over. One she could always see, whenever she wished, to remind her of the love we shared.

I am constantly finding little things that remind me of our love.

Some of these things I did not even know that she did. The  daily planner calendar she kept for the wedding, and other important dates to remember, had inside it written "anniversary of our first date" for the day of May 25th, 2019.

That one killed me all over again.

I could not even get started on the shadow box.

Everyone is so "spot on" when telling of the pain and longing for the joy with the beloved one we can never have again. It hurts to even type the words "never have again".

I have been in many hard situations in life and I always held out the hope that if I continued to try real hard and do the things I am supposed to do everything will be alright. This experience of losing my dear wife so soon after I was married, and especially after I had spent so much of my earlier life before I met her alone, has shaken me to my very core. Losing a loved one is bad enough, losing the one I shared my most intimate experiences and dreams with is beyond the realm of anything I have ever experienced.

For the life of me, I can not imagine any scenario where everything will be alright again.

I had someone ask me recently "what is it that you hope for now?". Tough question. The best I could muster was "continue to show love and care for my two dogs Arwen and Strider", and "love and spend time with the rest of my family members as much as possible".

How different my responses would have been if I were asked the same question when my wife and I were together. With her, the sky was the limit.

I do not seem to be able to hope for anything for myself; So many dreams and plans for the future all gone.

Now, I think I have to learn all over again how to be thankful for the little things. 

There aught to be people in all of our lives who we can confide in to help deal with the tremendous loss. If someone wanted to tell me something that was such a deeply personal experience, I would feel honored to be chosen. I am so very grateful for the empathy, understanding, and respect I find here.

Met my friend Phil at Church for 6:00 service and then out for dinner afterwards with him and his wife Suzanne. At Church, they did the "foot washing" in honor of Jesus when he washed the disciple's. Husband and wife couple, after couple, went forward to wash each others feet. It was beautiful symbolism that once again brought me to tears.

Seems there are unending ways to remind me that I am alone. Believe me, I think I get it by now.

KayC,

I have no family of my own never having had the blessing of children. My mother messaged me last week and asked if I would like to come for Easter. I know that being with family is all I have left now so I am glad for a chance to see everyone. I hope you hear from your family as well. It will be bittersweet for me because the last time I went home to see my parents for the holiday was last Christmas. I wasn't planning on going then. My wife Rene'e and I were planning on spending our first Christmas together at home. It would have been the first Christmas I ever spent in my home since all the times for the previous twelve years I've lived here alone because I always spend Christmas day away from home traveling to see my family elsewhere.

I was so looking forward to having our first Christmas together as husband and wife in our home. It was something I always dreamed of but unfortunately I lost her.

I know all too well what it feels like to be alone. Christmas will never be the same for me. The Christmas I wanted is the Christmas I can never have.

Christmas with my dear beloved wife Rene'e.

Gwenivere,

I feel exactly as you describe "some ripped from me and many times I look at that familiar face in the mirror and say....who are you now?  Where did the happy and smiling (for real) Gwen go?  He took it.  I gave it to him.  I can’t get back what I gave him.  I have to settle now from little breaks with people I get that make me feel I matter, but it is not the same as 'being the one' to them".

It's been five months and I haven't felt a single day of joy like I had with my wife

I lived a very long time alone before I met my wife Rene'e. You know the feeling you get when no matter what happens, as long as you have the one you love most, everything will be alright. 

That is the feeling I miss.

My eyes always feel like I've had a good cry; tired. I hardly ever used to have headaches, but now I always seem to have a dull one. Maybe coming from my heartache. I know I am trying real hard to be strong,  but I am only fooling myself and I am glad I don't have to here.

Everyone is brutally honest about what it is like now and I am so very much appreciative. Grief is exhausting enough without always having to feel you have to put on a happy face. Seems like it's just great effort holding steady then down in the trench, a never ending cycle.

I was always an optimist who preferred to look at the things I was grateful for having. When my wife was overwhelmed by her daily struggle with pain (she suffered from degenerative arthritis - three back surgeries and two knee replacements), I would tell her that it helps me to think of one thing in life that I love more than anything, and hold on to it. Now I don't seem able to follow my own advice. I think that for me, since my wife passed, I just can't imagine that I can ever be the person I was when I was with her. I have convinced myself that I will always feel this way. Less than. The ethical, loving, caring person is there still, but the joy and that old fight seem to be gone right out of me.

I have family, but they are about 130 miles round trip away. I would always travel to see them for the important holidays and birthdays, when I was alone.

When I was with Rene'e, I was so very happy we could spend our holidays together, just her and I, if we chose to, without having to go anywhere. The Christmas tree is a very hard one for me. It almost killed me to take the tree down this year. Rene'e and I had only hung the lights and half the decorations when she passed away on November 30th, 2018. I left the remainder of the decorations on the table by the tree until Christmas was over, right where she left them.

Thank you for your kindness and understanding.

KayC,

I know it must have taken a huge amount of courage to sing again. I know it must have brought you a great amount of joy before. I am still unable to do a lot of the things Rene'e and I used to enjoy. I used to sing and dance for her and she would get a huge kick out of it. She is the only one I ever did that for. She just made me so happy that all I wanted to do was sing and dance.

It's difficult now because I can hardly imagine myself doing anything like that again. I want to be the person my wife fell in love with. 

Thank you Dee and Shirley for your very kind words.

I still have my wife's wedding bouquet. She wanted to make a shadow box to put it in along with our invitation and wedding picture.

I have everything I need to make it for her. I think it would make my heart warm.

Funny, she was holding her white wedding bouquet in her right hand with her arm around my shoulders.

Looks like I have snow white hair.

Actually, I'm completely bald.

Thank you Shirley,

I just now was looking at our wedding photos.

I found this one and it touched my heart because when I zoomed in real close I could see clearly just how happy she was. So I decided to make it ours for this site.

I love you Rene'e.

TYL

Hi kayC,

I understand about never wanting to think that we might lose the one we loved more than anything. Just the mere thought of something like that happening is so terrible we never want to imagine that it could happen at all.

I went to Sunday service this morning. I have a very hard time going because I've never made it through a single service without breaking down in tears. Rene'e and I were married in the Chapel and my friend at Church was my best man at our wedding. He called me and told me that he missed seeing me on Sundays. It's been awhile since I've gone and I told him I would be there.

Every time I go, I can't help but remember how good it felt when she was there to put her arm around me as we sat together side by side.

It always hurt my heart a little to attend church and see all of the other happy couples around me before I met Rene'e when I used to attend service all alone.

How proud I felt to have her by my side. I've never felt as happy as when she was there with me in Church. She was always so beautiful to me.

This time I made it all the way till the end of service before breaking down in tears as I left.

Thank you Dee,

I am truly only able to take one day at a time.

I spent the greatest part of my life alone and was so overwhelmingly in love with my wife that she very quickly became my whole world. Everything I did was for her. I only wanted to make her happy and would go to any length to see her smile. I am so very grateful to have had her in my life.

I still sometimes can not believe that I was fortunate enough to have found someone so loving and caring as she was. I often told her that her heart was the biggest I've ever known. She had so much love and compassion. I think that is what hurts the most. When you have finally found the one you have spent your whole life searching for, and suddenly and unexpectedly they are taken away.

Like you, I miss her teasing me. She used to pick at me when I ate Avocados, she said they looked like "baby pooh".