nashreed

Oh, thank you. That's kind of you to think of me. I still read what posts there are, though there's not much activity these days, as you know. My need to "vent"...well, I guess I got it out of my system. I still feel guilt some days, I'm still lonely most days...but I continue to exist. I don't have a choice. I do see a counselor now, and I guess that fulfills my need to talk for an hour a week. I still live with my mom and brother. I don't see that ever changing. One day, my mom will be gone and I'll be stuck picking up my brother's crusty drawers from the bathroom floor like my mom does now. Joy. I hope all is well with you all. I know it's always rough in the winter, KayC, but you persevere. May God bless you all. James

That's very well written, Ana. The empty feeling of "this is what the rest of my life is going to be like"- alone. Maybe a transitory friend that will drift away sooner or later...My Mom will probably not be around in ten years, and she drives me nuts. She is such a selfish person- and relishes it. Not that it's the same kind of relationship at all, but it's not how Annette was in the slightest. Annette was the least selfish person on the planet. And this stupid "holiday" today too and I can't watch the news or anything without being reminded of my loss. I feel like shooting myself in the face. I care, Ana, but alas, it's just like an echo of your own grief bouncing off a mountainside. Only our loved one can console us, or another love relationship- but I have a better chance of being struck by lightning. Cheers to us lonely people.

Ana, I truly believe that he is watching over you and protecting you. I know that Annette looks after me and I know I have to be thankful and humble and I realize (living in an area with so many homeless) that I have it pretty good, in spite of how lonely and hollow I feel. God blessed me with allowing Annette into my life and I miss her now so much, but I have to know that she is happy and pain free and that gets me through. The sad thing is that I barely dream of Annette now. She might be around in the background of a dream or sometimes I'm aware I'm looking for her, but also in my dreams I'm always aware that she's gone. I don't know why I couldn't have had some dreams of our life when we were young and happy. Mostly they're stupid dreams about working in retail again or something. I have a mental block against dreams of her. I don't know why. I wish I could help with your feelings of loneliness and loss of purpose. I'm so lonely I pine for women on TV commercials. What a sad loser. That's my identity now. At least I was her champion once.

I'm so sorry, Ana. I know what you mean. It really just seems like a pointless existence now. I don't have ambitions or dreams in this life anymore. Some people have "bucket list"'s, things they want to do before they die, like jump from a plane, or visit all 50 states. I guess there are things I would want to do for myself, but I don't have the financial means, and no motivation to improve my situation. I accept that my life is over and I am so ready for it to be over with. I'm tired of missing Annette. So sick of waking up and realizing she's not on this earth. A lot of people would think it's sad that I can't do things without her, that I can't "love" myself- but she was part of me, my heart and soul. Without her I am all the bad parts of a person. I accept who I am. I guess that's why I have no friends, along with being completely socially inept. It's amazing how much I love being a husband, how proud I was of the title. I was also honored to be Annette's caregiver, even though it was sad how many doctors she had, how many ailments... My purpose every day was being a good husband. I had no other ambition than to make her laugh every day. Now I know I won't ever be in a relationship again, and that just makes life stink. I'm sorry- we're all desperately lonely for the person we lost. I'm desperately lonely for connection. Checking this site multiple times a day like a doofus thinking maybe someone will write and say "Hello in there". Ultimately, no one cares. Everyone has their person, their family, their clique- no time for outsiders. I couldn't care less about the Super Bowl, but some stupid part of me wishes I would have had some friend to invite me to a party. How ridiculous. Days go by with no purpose. Waiting to die.

I imagine that us widowed people are like David Banner at the end of "The Incredible Hulk" every week- walking down the road, hitchhiking, no destination- just surviving. No love, no roots, wandering.... I understand exactly what you mean. Annette was my soulmate. There is nothing more lonely than the realization that your soulmate is not on this earth anymore, and they never will be. You will only see them again when you die. I have no fear of death now. Bring it on. I can't wait. Meanwhile, I have to live with what I have. I would love to have a relationship, someone to hug, someone to live for. I know it wouldn't be Annette, but I can't be with her here, and I am stuck with I don't know how many years left. Having a relationship with another woman would make me feel more normal- maybe not normal, just human. After being in a relationship for 30 years, I feel like an alien- a stranger in a land that is unwelcoming and cold. She was my life, she was me. I don't see how any woman my age would find me attractive or a catch. I'm fat, I have nothing to show for my life with Annette, no means- no savings. I know that I'm just existing. I wish for a better life. You shouldn't feel that you're punishing yourself. It's just the circumstances that happened. It's heartbreaking, but it's not your fault and it's not his fault. It just is. I know you just want to be heard- a cry in the wilderness. I just want to let you know I understand. All we can hope for here is to be understood.

Scba, I think you're very, very wise in this regard. I really thought that women had it sooo much easier in their ability to find a relationship if they chose to. Not always the case it seems. Meeting people in person is beyond impossible for me. My neighbors are Mexican families whom I have less than zero in common with. I go to the chiropractor and the grocery store and that's it. No chance for romance there. If I had money, I would be in a lot better shape. There's a reason Buzz can get a younger wife at 93. If you're poor, you're nonexistent. I know I'll never have another relationship or even an in-person friend. Long distance friends often just leave you feeling even more isolated. They're in their city, and I'm here in my purgatory. I totally understand and sympathize. I think someone like Boho, who is willing and able to find that wherewithal to be with the living should be encouraged. You can't live in memories.

That's very true, V.R. No one wants to talk about Annette. There's probably close friends of hers that faded away years ago that have no idea she's gone. I honestly don't have any "people skills", so to maintain any kind of friendship for me is a miracle. This former workmate (boss) is pretty odd and quirky themselves, so I might be able to keep up direct messaging for a while, but it probably will eventually fade like all my friendships do.

It seems that this is the way it is for us widows/widowers now. I see a lot of your posts saying that people are calling you, wanting to talk for two hours (about themselves usually) and you can't be bothered. You'd rather be reading or doing something solitary, even though you could be talking with someone. Often it's more trouble and bother than it's worth or you don't get anything out of it, so you shy away from engaging- even while you're desperately lonely at the same time. I just this past week reached out to a former boss of mine on Facebook, who lives in Iceland now. She's married, but has a lot of baggage going on that I can relate to, so it's nice to kind of chat about her way of dealing with anxiety. Plus, her living in such a faraway country is fascinating and intriguing. Yet, today I just don't have anything to say. My life is beyond pathetic, and it's honestly just easier to not message her, because as lonely as I am, it's just messaging- it's not human contact, not face to face. Face to face conversation is scary and (besides with my family) I find it impossible to initiate. Ultimately, a long distance friendship via text or whatever is unfulfilling, because it's not really involving yourself in someone's life, you're just a "virtual" person to them- real but not really. What I want is to be with Annette and it's impossible. Next would be to have a relationship with another woman as a friend or something more, but it's also impossible. Probably even more so. As a man (and without getting gross), it's very depressing to know you'll never have another intimate relationship again- like a kid knowing they'll never have another Christmas. There's nothing to look forward to. So, ultimately, we can choose to have conversations or contact, but it's not the kind we want, with who we want it to be with. It's just very sad, and I wish I could just close this book of life. I'm bored with it. James

You're kind, Boho. I just know what it's like to be lonely at night and to make a call out into the wilderness (aka this forum), wanting/needing to be heard. I am very lucky, and I should count my blessings that I have two family members here that distract me from thinking of what I've lost. I can get caught up in their problems (making mountains out of molehills, when they don't know what I've gone through, real pain and struggle and heartbreak). I'm also very, very aware that my mom is not going to be around forever, and I have major anxiety and PTSD about it. Every cough and ache she feels (which she blows off and always says is nothing) is a source of anxiety. I don't want to be hyper aware of her ailments- I don't want to be a caregiver anymore (I can't do it), but I can't help but be worried.

I'm so sorry, Boho. I know so well what you mean. It's weird how I never ever felt alone, like really alone with Annette- no matter if we were apart, if she was sleeping, at her worst- when she was in the hospital, when she was on a ventilator, when she was hallucinating. We were always a team. I live with my mom and brother- but it's not who I want to be with. I love them because of who they are, but they can't be everything or anything that Annette was. More often than not, my Mom is nodded off watching TV with her at night. It's good that I'm here to look out for her, but it can be lonely. They just don't understand me. They tolerate me. We all three of us wanted things to turn out differently. The three of us are miserable in our own ways- but we never talk about it. It's just all superficial and avoiding feelings. It's not who I was with Annette. That person died. It's cruel that people ghost you. I've had it happen to me too. It happened with a widow recently because I got too dark with her. It's hard to be someone who's brutally honest, with no filter. I used to hurt Annette's feelings and I never ever meant to. I used to blurt things out, not thinking sometimes- but we were so comfortable with each other that it was ok. She understood. Now I just clam up. I've gotten good at it again. Back to like when I was a teenager. Back when I used to have to talk to the school counselor because I had no other outlet. I didn't graduate high school because I missed so much credits and classes because I got called into his office all the time. Not that I was ever diagnosed with anything- that wasn't a thing in the 80's, I was just a weird basket case. I would never ghost you, Boho. Take care. James

Well, I know that when I was a kid, there were a lot of older people here and people had respect and consideration for each other. Now, there's gang graffiti sometimes on the (mobile park) office walls and there was a shooting, and I saw the bullet holes in the window on my morning walk. I have been reading a lot about reincarnation and the theories about the afterlife. I sincerely, truly hope that I do not have to reincarnate. Can you imagine the world a baby born today will face? Will it even be liveable from climate change? Absolutely no, no, no.

I hate my life and my world and where I am. I live with my Mom and brother in the same mobile home, in the same park that I did when I was a kid- except that now it's a "ghetto", with a lot of rude, inconsiderate people who let their dogs run around loose, bark all day and night, let their kids run riot. Just trashy looking homes (the same ones that have been here since the 70's). It's just not where I want to be. My home was with Annette. I wonder who lives in our house in Tulsa now? We loved that house. My life ended when she left. I don't know why I have to keep on living. Why can't I live in a progressive country that has legal, assisted end-of-life options? This world is not for me anymore. I know how terrible it is to lose your soulmate to Diabetes. Annette had a myriad of health issues, but it all began with the Diabetes that she had since age 14. I don't know why life is so cruel and unfair. Miserable, rotten evil criminals live long lives behind bars or on Florida golf courses, while good, beautiful souls pass away. No one except me and her brother and sister even care anymore. A lot of friends she has over the years probably don't even know she's gone. How would they? I have no contact with them. They didn't bother to keep up the friendships. They missed out. She was the best.

Surviving the day... Does it matter? I feel so sad for you Gwen, and KayC. Good people who don't deserve to be hobbled and constrained by limitations and people who just don't care. Why is fate so cruel that you're left in such a lonely situation? I admire you so much KayC, that you're still eating well and conscientious of your health. I don't care about my own and will probably be sorry for it later. I have Type 2 Diabetes, but I just don't have interest in cooking or eating healthy. I suppose it's from my mother not being a cook. Annette tried so hard to get us to eat better, but now I just can't get motivated. I mean, my mom subsists microwave dinners and chocolate milk and is 86 with no real health issues, so ya never know. I have no interests except music- buying CD's off eBay even though I have thousands. Hoarding or collecting or whatever is what I've always done and it's all I have now. No music stores to work at, so I have my own little one to curate. It gives me something to distract myself from thinking of the life I lost. I mean, I literally lost my life when I lost Annette, but I'm still breathing. I don't know why. I'm so sorry that you're in pain, Gwen. I just wish that life was fair, but it's not. It really makes me question my faith and what this all is. Sorry to butt in to your discussion. It's just one of those days. I'm like, beyond depressed into this uncharted realm of malaise and ennui that is my reality. It's like walking through a haunted house attraction and you never know when the ghouls are going to pop out at you. I'm just trying to get through it, without not letting the annoying spooks (depression triggers) affect me. James

It's good to see you here, Sheemie. I know exactly, exactly what you're saying. I am in limbo, like the purgatory you here about in Catholic School, where you live in penance for your sins until you are deemed worthy for Heaven. This is what life is- a waiting room- waiting until I can be with my Annette again. Truly, it doesn't seem like anyone my age has a drama free life, or a life would allow someone new in after so many years. I cannot even fathom how I would meet anyone, let alone start a friendship or relationship in the real world (as opposed to online). You can try to meet someone online, but my profile would be laughed at out of hand. Literally, I sleep in the same bed (which used to be a bunk bed) that I did 40 years ago (with an "E.T." sticker on the headboard). How is that progress? I have nothing to show for my life with Annette. We struggled because of her medical debt/issues and my mental issues- but we were a TEAM. Always inseparable, and I will never have that with anyone again, yet I stupidly long for it. I can't even keep a friend to text with. I don't try anymore. I had a good life with Annette, and that's it. I just exist now, waiting. People can say "You're young, you still have a lot of life to live", but life means nothing without love. If you've never had the kind of love we had, then you are oblivious and can get by without it. You don't know any better. But, if you know what you've lost, how....why... Why go on. What's the point? I'm so sorry you're in these circumstances, but you're not alone in it, even though you are in this situation, like we all are. I wish all the lonely people could get together, but everyone is so far apart in distance.

Oh, thank you Boho. It's very hard to "put yourself out there", even if it's just hoping for a friend. I can't handle rejection very well with my anxiety, and it's stressful trying to say the right thing and trying not to say the wrong thing because I don't want to lose a new connection. It's so much easier to just not even try.... But, I do. I miss the ease of my relationship with Annette. No stress, no worrying about offending her (though I know I could- I tend to say what I think without thinking of the other person, especially when I can be myself- whoever that is now). I still can't believe I'll never have that again with anyone (my Mom and brother kinda don't count- they have to put up with me). Thinking about what it took to woo and win Annette so long ago now (1988-91), I could never even fathom having that kind of stamina and tenacity now.