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nashreed

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About nashreed

  • Rank
    Advanced Member

Previous Fields

  • Your relationship to the individual who died
    Spouse
  • Date of Death
    05/16/2020
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
    Tulsa, OK

Profile Information

  • Your gender
    Male
  • Location (city, state)
    Hemet, CA

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  1. I analyzed and relived Annette's passing over and over. There's questions I won't ever know the answer to. I never expected that she would pass that night, but I knew deep down that she was not doing good, that her body was giving up on her. She never gave up, but the constant pain and her diminished kidney function. and her Diabetes... it was so much...it was too much. Annette may have known it was almost her time. She told me that she knew she wouldn't live a long life when we were going to marry. She wouldn't have been able to tell me because I would have freaked out, so I guess it's better
  2. In my ever futile attempt to keep Annette present and alive in my world, I would like to think that it would be so much easier if I could have stayed in our house, but I had no choice, I had to move because I couldn't afford it (it was just a rental). I actually miss a city that I used to despise, always pining for the past and my hometown. Now my hometown is a ghetto with homeless people everywhere and grafitti and boarded up businesses. I miss our house where it looked so very wood paneled and 70's, with hardwood floors so that her wheelchair could roll around. Her hospital bed in the living
  3. Afternoons do suck. I wake up very early and in the early morning I can clean and be productive. Something about the afternoons really do just zap my energy and forward momentum, to where I'm just useless.
  4. Thanks Kay. My life is so very different- I'm really nothing like I was. Sometimes I think that in a parallel universe or somewhere in Tulsa, we're still in our little house, enjoying our little life, cooking in the kitchen of love, enjoying just being together. It's so empty without her.
  5. I understand, Gwen. I know exactly the feeling. If it means anything at all, just your connection is comforting, knowing there's someone out there in this country, in this world, that knows what it's like- somebody who's nice, who I can think about and hope is ok, because without Annette I don't have many people I know. With Annette, I didn't need anybody else, but now I'm so, so lonely. I can look out this window at this view of virtually nothing (I mostly see a white trashy mobile home next door, with a hummingbird feeder and bell bird feeder (Yay for birds!) and then just a small section o
  6. It's the feeling of somebody needing me that I truly miss. I don't really think anybody would care if I went to be with Annette. That's how I feel. It's hard when my family really doesn't seem to care about my opinion- they just like to hear themselves talk. They're not bad people, but they're selfish. Annette was so not selfish. She genuinely cared about others, especially me, and truly cared. Even her family called her to complain about their lives and not ask about hers, because she was a good listener. Very rare quality.
  7. Beautifully said. I will have to remind myself of your post when I want to give up, Missy. There are ok days, bad days, very bad days... It's a process. I don't know how much time I have left until I can be with Annette, but I have to be here for a reason, even if right now that reason is to make sure my Mom is ok. I too, will look for something to be happy about. I can't see it happening, but I will try- it's all I can do. I just have to remember that I was so lucky to have met and have 30 years with my soul mate. So many never find theirs, never have complete total love that I did.
  8. I really wonder if there's something wrong with me, as I just can't cry (well, I know I have a lot of mental issues- but...). I was brought up in an unemotional household, but I'd like to think that I had normal emotions as a child. I cried a few times in massive shock and grief when it first happened, but then I kind of went numb, and now (living with my family) it's easy to just suppress my emotions. I try to tell her (I talk to her every morning) that I love her, and just because I'm not crying, it doesn't mean I miss her terribly. Unfortunately, all we have is time. I don't see mysel
  9. At almost 8 months, I can distract myself and "act normal" with my Mom and brother, but I still think about her all the time. I just have to just accept that my life is very, very different. I just feel so un-needed, so unloved. My family is very unemotional, so I can just exist in their world, while being disconnected. I can't cry- I just have reverted back to the way my family is. I miss her so much, but that life is gone. I can remember our life and know that I had a love that was so amazing, and I was so lucky. I just have to remember that not everybody finds their soul mate. You were luc
  10. Went through my birthday and hers in December. It is very sad. I hate that I have to not think of her too much just to get through the day. I have to try to be distracted. I know you have a lot to be thankful for, it's just finding it. We have to be strong for our lost loves. I just don't want to give up and let the grief win. Annette watches over me and doesn't want me to be sad. I don't want her to worry about me.
  11. I'm sorry, Gwen. I know what it's like to go from trying to eat healthy with my wife to just eating crap. My personal vice is Carl's Jr. Finally got my stimulus, so Yippee! Maybe it will bring on a heart attack sooner. I hate the weekend too. Just the thought that people have a social life. The Mexicans around here will sometimes blast their crap Mexican music on the weekend- Ugh. I can't get too crazy with the musical selections because my Mom is here. If it were sorely my choice, I would blast some stuff they really wouldn't like! I can blast Kenny Loggins or Elton John just the same.
  12. It's amazing how just watching TV with Annette was nice and not wasted time, and now...eh...boring, who cares. I feel bad that she can't enjoy getting to see a certain so and so get his due, finally. She would be fascinated and appalled, equally. i just hope I didn't take her for granted. We promised each other we would never do that, but I remember times where I was more interested in my phone than her.
  13. Thank you, Anne. I'm happy you found a new beginning. I'm not looking for a new beginning- just a reason to go on, just a purpose. I don't expect a new relationship, or someone to need me... Just a connection to people who understand. It's amazing how a grumpy, antisocial misanthrope craves attention and to be heard after having a wonderful, understanding soul mate for so long. The whole in my soul is that great.
  14. I was my Annette's caregiver and best friend for 30 years. She started having severe RA 20 years ago, and was in constant pain the last several years. I know what it's like to not have an identity anymore. The worst part is not being needed by anyone. I was so used to her needing me. My Mom and brother got along fine without me before and don't need me now. I'm just an extra mouth to feed, a burden and expense. I have my sister-in-law and father-in-law, but they have full lives and don't need me. I could die today and it wouldn't matter to anyone living. I want so badly to just be with Annette
  15. I know what it's like. I miss my best friend, and I feel like I'm forgetting our life together. Everything is so different now. But, I know in my heart that she's watching over me. I want to crawl under my house and die, but I can't let her down. Even if it's just maybe helping someone with a little encouragement- it's better than totally feeling sorry for myself. I don't think anybody's life is normal. Small consolation, I know. I don't think your progress is lost, it's just been taken slightly off track. I can be a cheerleader- I wish there was something else to help you through the day. Jus
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