Jump to content
Grief Healing Discussion Groups

nashreed

Contributor
  • Content Count

    375
  • Joined

  • Last visited

About nashreed

Previous Fields

  • Your relationship to the individual who died
    Spouse
  • Date of Death
    05/16/2020
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
    Tulsa, OK

Profile Information

  • Your gender
    Male
  • Location (city, state)
    Hemet, CA

Recent Profile Visitors

The recent visitors block is disabled and is not being shown to other users.

  1. Well, I can't tell you how bad I feel. Looking back at the posts, I didn't bring the subject up, but what I said was thoughtless. I was actually thinking about what Gwen had said somewhere else about now really wanting to do the screenings and all that, and I was really meaning to agree with not wanting to have to schedule a colonoscopy and everything else someone my age is supposed to, thinking there's no point. The last thing I intended was to disrespect the victims or survivors.
  2. I'm sorry, Gwen. I certainly didn't mean to upset you. It's just a thought I had, but I should have been more aware of the audience that reads my random ramblings. I know that there are a few people that it would upset, and I'm so selfish and self absorbed now. Again, I'm sorry. It's just that I would give anything to be with Annette again. I'm accepting my lonely fate more and more, it's just some days (weekends) I just don't/can't face my fate, and want the misery to end.
  3. No, I'm certainly not wishing for it. I just don't think I would fight it if I did get it. If I was given the choice right now- life or death, with no pain- just a quick passing, it would be death. I'm sorry, I just don't have anything really to live for or look forward to. Not anything that really means something. (A new season of "Big Brother", for example, which I love, but will go on without me eventually anyway) My brother takes no steps whatsoever to maintain his health. At least I've done Cologuard. He has no plans to ever have a colonoscopy or any x-rays or anything- and he loves
  4. I wish it was like that here. Damn Southern California. If I were diagnosed with the Big C, I think I would be ok with it. Hopefully, it wouldn't be too painful. I don't think I'd fight at this point. What's there to live for?
  5. Oh, Gwen, as always- speaking my language. Sunny, clear, beautiful day today- makes me super depressed and irritated at everything. The Sunday paper is so lame now. I remember when the L.A. Times had an entertainment section on Sunday that was like a major magazine- 200 something pages of movie ads and concert listings and it was so cool. I got a subscription to just the Sunday paper and it is so lame now- maybe 12 pages (the "Calendar" section) of worthless nothing, in regular newspaper size. Not even the newspaper itself is the normal size- it's smaller and lamer. I cancelled it. N
  6. I just try to remember that there were good times- I did my best for her. It's sad that for the past 20 years, she wouldn't have even been able to get into that position (RA). I appreciate the opportunity to share a photo of her here. (It's also my current Facebook profile picture) I have no one to talk to about her, but I just want to share what a kind, sweet soul she was (is). Unlike me, who's lazy and have no motivation, it broke Annette's heart when she couldn't work anymore. She was let go from her last job because she was having too many incidents of sleepiness and her being l
  7. I have to remind myself with pictures that we had great times, fun trips. My memory for them kinda sucks, but it makes me feel better knowing that she had a good life. This was in Redding, California. She was obsessed with the fact they had the classic red fire hydrants. She had never seen them! (Always yellow down here)
  8. My Mom has the news on now. They're talking about how much travel is up- they're just letting people fly internationally, willy-nilly. Who knows who's vaccinated. Why are they letting people travel? It'll just never end. My brother took off so he could go to a Hooters or somewhere. Now that indoor dining is allowed in California again. He doesn't care. He wants the mask-wearing to end, and things to get back to normal, but he won't get vaccinated. Pisses me off. I can't tell you how much I just don't want to be here anymore. I just want to be with Annette, wherever she is. She's still al
  9. I don't like myself very much right now, because I can see how I am becoming so much like my family and how I used to be, and I'm slowly losing what made me "Annette's husband". I'm short and rude. I don't mean to be, but I'm so lonely and miserable that it just comes out. Things like the stupid neighborhood kids set me off, and make me cranky. I have no energy to be polite- it's hard enough to do it one I'm with my father-in-law. It's exhausting. He's going to be home alone the first week of June (his family is going on a trip- he doesn't like to travel anymore because of IBS), and he wants t
  10. My Mom says that Judge Judy can always tell when people are lying to her, and that's why she's so mean. I always trust people and believe what they're saying. I'm actually too trusting and too sensitive, so ....
  11. She gets over things quickly- she was just annoyed. I am setting them up tonight. The stereo is in my brothers room. I can't set them up when he's here- too many cooks and all that. Today when I was at Walgreens, a lady asked me for a ride up the street or wherever she said. Of course, I said no. You can't go anywhere in this town without getting the shake down for money or something else. Does that make me a bad person? I feel like a bad person. Deep down, I'm selfish and rude, like my family. Annette made me want to be better. Without her, I feel like I've reverted to being a jerk. I fe
  12. Gwen, I understand absolutely 100% what you mean. I have such a boring routine now. I also had what would seem to be a boring routine with Annette, but her being with me made it not boring. It was great! I can do the same things now without her and it's boring, except for my music listening time- which is all I have to look forward to. I waffle between days where I say "Cool, I'm going to be fully vaccinated and maybe I can see my friend when his family are fully vaccinated, and he said we can go to a ball game" and all this...hope, and then days like today where I just want to join the local
  13. It sucks that no one seems to want to talk about Annette. For a couple of weeks, her sister shared some anacdotes about their childhood, and it was awesome, but that stopped. It seems that it's too difficult for her to deal with. Even her Dad is limited in talking about her. He'd rather talk about his dumb step-grandson. And she's all I want to talk about.
  14. I'm sorry, Kay. If you couldn't find anybody that "makes the first move", there's definitely not any hope for me. Family is pretty messed up. You can't choose 'em. My Mom is mad at me, because my new speakers came and they're huge (the boxes at least) and heavy. My arm is not up for setting them up yet, so they're in the living room. She's mad after I told her that music is the only thing I have to look forward to. I don't really care if she is giving me the silent treatment. That's what headphones are for. Lately, I've been finding comfort in the music of the early 60's- Andy Williams
  15. I know that I'll never have another relationship- and it's not even by choice. I hope it doesn't offend anybody, my saying this, but it seems to me that any woman could find a man (not necessarily the best man, but somebody so that they don't have to be alone if they so choose). It's just more of a reality that a woman can choose to be alone, or not. Even my 84 year old Mom with no teeth could find companionship if she really wanted to- maybe not easily during the pandemic, but after things go back to "normal". Older men like me are just seen as creepy unless they have some money and means. Ag
×
×
  • Create New...