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nashreed

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  • Your gender
    Male
  • Location (city, state)
    Hemet, CA

Previous Fields

  • Your relationship to the individual who died
    Spouse
  • Date of Death
    05/16/2020
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
    Tulsa, OK

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  1. I sincerely apologize to everyone I offended. I never meant to name call or single out anyone here. It's just that I don't understand, Why can't the country be united against this like "The Greatest Generation" were during the war effort and the eradication of polio and small pox? I've tried- the fridge magnets don't stick to me. It is just sad and infuriating.
  2. So, are everybodys cities and states "opened up" by now? California is supposed to be on Tuesday- possibly one of the last states to do so. No more masks or social distancing, and you're supposed to take peoples word for it that they're vaccinated? Hmmm I don't see how I'm going to be comfortable going into a Walgreens (one of the few places I actually have to go into) without a mask, even though I'm vaccinated. I just don't trust people and I can totally see a scenario where its fall/winter and this Delta variant is running rampant, and "Geez, we're sorry, guess you still need a mask again". They'll probably be a mad rush for the booster shot after not being able to give away the vaccine now, having to give away millions just so morons will get vaccinated (I'm the moron for getting vaccinated so frickin' early I guess). I hope I'm wrong.
  3. Funny- I just had a dream that I only remember bits of. The frustrating thing is, Annette was there- but she was a combination of her and a high school crush, and she was only around 12. I feel like if I could decode what I dreamt, I would know the answer to my life.
  4. It hurts me to say it, but I really feel like my marriage is over. I had to stop feeling the guilt that I had, for so many reasons, because I have to live with myself day to day. I think the guilt was the last thing that really connected me to her, but I just had to let it go. It's not that I stopped caring, but it is. Now I just feel like I'm estranged from her- divorced. The stuff I have of hers won in a custody battle. Maybe JimJim has it right, though if I were to buy stuff for Annette now, she would be pissed. But I never dream of her. I feel like she's mad at me, although I know she wouldn't be. Maybe she wants me to be free of her, even have another relationship unlikely as that is). She always felt like a burden, a hindrance, I have something to look forward to every day now. I don't know what it means, but its something that makes me happy. It's a friendship and I so needed somebody that understands me again. It's like an inmate getting a penpal. I've been a prisoner of my grief, and at least now I have hope. Annette and I will be together when I die. But until then, I need to be me- for better or worse- and try to live.
  5. I feel for you, Kay. I know that every time Annette was in the hospital, it took even longer each time to recover from it. The last time she was in the hospital for two weeks before she passed, and I couldn't visit at all because of COVID- and I so regret that. If I would have been able to talk to her doctor every day, and seen her.... maybe it would have changed something.
  6. Hello. I am still around and reading the forums- I just don't have anything to add or contribute. After reading about yours and Gwen's problems, KayC, I don't feel like I should complain about anything. I know its not fair to compare and even though I'm only a year into this, I feel so disconnected and so far from Annette and my old life...I'm just resigned to my boring day to day existence, making baby steps to socialize, but then retreating. But I have my health, more or less, and my family is fine and I am thankful for that. I have a roof over my head and my family is understanding enough to let me slum here and so who am I to complain? I feel so bad for you, Gwen, and I can sympathize- but I can't do anything to help, and that's hard for me to deal with. You get invested in the people here, and if nothing else can be said about me- I did everything I possibly could to help Annette and advocate for her. I was up late at night googling symptoms, and always pushing for medical justice. Nobody messed with her on my watch. I'm now in a place where I am just a passive observer of life, trying to just get by, but I don't invest myself like I did. I'm not in control of my life- I'm just along for the ride. I'm lucky to have an outlet for my venting, but a year in...I'm just trying to find happiness where I can and I feel so bad that I don't have guilt and I'm not tortured with grief anymore. Maybe my emotions are successfully turning off. It's just what's happened. James
  7. That's very sweet. It's a good attitude to have about crying. I'm from an emotionally stunted family. I wish crying was easy. I could use the release. I'm lucky that I do have moments where I think of a "Nettie-ism", something funny or cute that Annette would say, and it brings a smile. Just as often though, I will get depressed from something on TV, or a song. It's a roller coaster.
  8. Ultimately, all this talk about "America coming alive again" post pandemic is very insensitive to the people who lost loved ones to COVID. I didn't lose Annette to it, but I know my life will never be the same as it was pre-pandemic. And only half of the country is vaccinated. How is that going to work out well?
  9. I'm so sorry, Gwen. I actually had a morning where I felt detached from myself: from guilt, from anger, from all of my emotions. It felt peaceful, actually. But, it also means that I have been without love now for over a year. Annette's love was always there, and I was able to feel it a little still, even after this long. But, I honestly felt like a ghost this morning. And, of course, this afternoon I was back to the guilt and anger at the situation I'm in. I'm bored with life. So freaking bored with T.V. The theaters are open here finally, but there isn't a damn thing I'd want to see. The last time I was in a theater is when they were having a one night only showing of 6 old "Twilight Zone" episodes on the big screen in Tulsa. I am so bored with eating and the mundane aspects of life. There's nothing to look forward to for me. I certainly miss hugs from Annette. I used to hug my Mom when I visited here before Annette passed, but she doesn't like it. She has a whole story and thing about hugs, so I don't push it. It's easier to just get used to it, get used to no love. I am thankful that I'm not in pain, and I know what that's like, and I'm so sorry, Gwen. It's all I can do, let you know that I know what its like to suffer through chronic pain. Annette had severe RA for 20 years. It's frustrating to not be able to do anything for somebody you care about.
  10. That's comforting. I wiped it away and kissed her forehead and that's the last thing I could do for her.
  11. I'm selfishly glad that Annette passed only two months into the pandemic. She was claustrophobic and hated wearing the masks. With all of her health issues, she would have to had to continue to wear one in public, probably for life. Just another hard reality to face. I'm still using the same box of masks that I bought for the both of us at the beginning.
  12. So, Memorial Day Weekend is upon us. The news says 3 billion people are hitting the road and air travel is at a post pandemic high...and I'm here, missing the love of my life and am feeling more depressed than ever. It's funny, Memorial Day never meant anything to Annette. We never traveled for it, never went to cookouts or anything like that. The media makes you think that you should be out and traveling and I guess that has gotten in my head. It was kind of comforting that the country was kind of in a state like I was during the pandemic: house bound- not having any fun, not able to go to the movies or concerts or even eat in a restaurant. Now that things are opening up again, I feel more lost and miserable than ever. This is my second summer without her, but last summer I was focused on getting here, to California, and I didn't really think of it in terms of what summer usually means. I was just aware of it being hot. How does one get through a summer of sadness?
  13. I was watching the terrible story on the news about the wife of one of the San Jose victims. Her husband was near death and crying and reached for her hand. it really hit me hard. Annette had a tear in her eye when I saw her at the hospital after she had passed. I actually asked about it, and they said that it was normal to release tears when passing, not from sadness, but just as a bodily function. I wonder though... I feel so bad that I wasn't there the moment she passed. She was still alive when they took her that night. Was she sad that I wasn't there? Was she in pain because they might have broken some ribs when doing CPR, trying to get her back. So many questions. I just can't think about it too much, but its good to release it into the internet. Maybe it will help free me from the guilt and sadness, a post at a time.
  14. HG88, I hope that my thread idea absolutely helped you. If you were able to make some sense out of your reasons for crying, then that was the point of my post. I have felt all the feelings you described in your posts in my own life, with my own circumstances. My grandmother died when I was 8. I didn't cry for her. I didn't feel bad- she was kinda mean. My Mom didn't cry in front of me. I was raised in an emotionally repressed household. When I met Annette, not only did she come in with beautiful hugs and love, she came in with a capacity to cry and was so in touch with her emotions- she was not afraid of them like I am. If I really stopped and thought long enough about the loss of her physical body- her perfect little nose that I could press in like a button, her cute little ears, I might cry and never stop. There's a difference between crying and shedding a tear. I am shedding a tear right now. But love, our love, is still alive. It is stronger than death. I can feel it in the mornings, when I look at the sky, in the funny little birds, its there. And I truly don't want her to see me cry (just like my Mom didn't cry in front of me). I think Annette feels sadness that she had to go. I have to be strong. I know that we will be together again. ALL of us will be with our loved ones again. There IS an afterlife. My belief in that is why I don't need to cry. Annette believed in it and she was never wrong. She knew she wouldn't live a long life, and she didn't fear death. She knew there was already a place for her in Heaven. I'd be nice for us to all meet up there someday, in spirit.
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