Missy1965

It's been 5 months since my whole world came crashing down around me. I hadn't been able to look at his pictures, so about an hour ago I decided it was time. BIG MISTAKE. I thought it would help to see him happy in pictures before he got sick. To remember a time when he was smiling and content, not sick and dying in a hospital bed.

He only had a couple of months to enjoy living on the beach, but he was happy there. His dream was to live on the beach. Why didn't he get to enjoy it longer? We only had 3 and 1/2 years together. I feel so insecure and unsure. What am I going to do with my life now? 

Now I'm a big puddle of tears. I miss him so much. It hurts so bad to be in love with someone you can't see or touch. 

They never called for the interview so I have been on the phone leaving messages to please call me, trying to find out what happened.

Maybe it's not meant to be. 

What about pictures? I look at them and cry, but it was a happier time in his life before he got so sick. Were you all able to look at pictures at first. It took me over 4 months.

I do have a lot to be thankful for and so many blessings. I live with my elderly parents who are in remarkably good shape which I am thankful for. 

Nashreed, you have a lot to live for whether you believe it or not. Who knows? You may one day be the caretaker for your Mother. Keep Annette alive through her favorite music and know she would want you to find something to live for. You are not alone as God walks with you every step of the way. I have to remind myself of that often. Think of Annette with brand new legs and a brand new, healthy body dancing away in Heaven. 

I think it's a hard time of year for everyone regardless of their circumstances with covid and isolation. 

I feel like I'm right back at day one. I want so much to enjoy Christmas because I know in my heart he would want me to, but I wake up crying every morning and cry most of the day. Everyday this month so far. It's been almost 5 months and I am struggling just like I did at first. This will be my first Christmas without him in 4 years. We used to ride and look at Christmas lights and walk around the mall just looking at things and buying candles. I miss him so much. I'm a horrible mess. I'm on an antidepressant and something for nerves, but right now they don't help me. It's a beautiful, cold day here and I am having trouble finding joy in anything. I have a new Grandbaby on the way and even that doesn't excite me. What a shame. I hate what this has done and has taken from me. 

I have a facetime interview for a job at 2PM and my eyes are so puffy it's horrible. I will need to gather my composure. 

Nashreed, you didn't cause your sweet Annette's death any more than I caused Brian's. I know this is so cliche', but it was her time, just like it was Brian's time. I have been through every single emotion the past 4 months, and always end up coming full circle back to guilt with a touch of anger thrown in. 

The thing is, thankfully they remember nothing of the "bad" times and are now brand new, eternally alive. It's those left behind who deal with all these emotions. 

I didn't want to live either at first, but he wouldn't want that for me. Annette and Brian both would want us to live our lives until it's our turn to be reunited with them. 

I'm still feeling guilty that I didn't go to the hospital with him that first time he was hospitalized because I was supposed to start a new job the next morning. I should've gotten right up when they called me and said he had been admitted at 2:30am, instead of getting some sleep and waiting until later in the morning to go to the hospital. I could've stayed with him and called my job from the hospital. He stayed for 4 days and left AMA.

He hated hospitals. It wasn't until his last week of life he finally agreed to go after weeks of begging and pleading. By then he was too sick. 

24 minutes ago, nashreed said:

It's ok. I'm sure he understands. As long as you remember they were his favorites and you tell us, that memory means more than the actual discs. What were his favorite CD's? Because of her being legally blind, Annette didn't ever handle discs, but I kept her favorite music, even though it isn't always my thing. I was going to sell them, but ended up not- I just like having them. But, please don't feel bad about not having the physical discs. Most people don't keep them anymore and just use streaming. 

Thank you for the kind words. It was a set of Rocky movies. He watched those things over and over. 

I want to wear his ring on a chain but just looking at it right now dissolves me into a puddle of tears. I've cried everyday this month so far. Christmas just won't be the same. 

I still deal with a lot of guilt over other things. 

I'm still feeling so much guilt over leaving his favorite Rocky CDs behind. He loved that set of movies and I feel by leaving them behind, they meant nothing. They can be replaced but I still feel so bad. Plus I can't find his favorite music CD. I was so distraught and so confused. I just wanted to get away asap. 

Thank you for sharing. The heartache is indescribable but I know where my sweet Brian is. 

Thank you Dee. Realistically I know he couldn't care less about that stuff, but to me it's like I'm telling him that stuff that he enjoyed doesn't matter to me. 

I think my biggest regret is leaving his movies behind just because he watched them over and over, and I can't find his music CDs. It's not like he can watch them now, but it bothers me. I'm sure where he is, he doesn't care about movies. He's in a far better place and eternally alive. 

His phone wasn't very important to him so I had his account disabled and threw the phone away after I took the SIM card out. He didn't have a lot of possessions either, but one thing I do regret leaving behind were all his Rocky movies. He loved those movies. One day I will replace them. I honestly believe his wedding ring was more important to him than anything else, and that I do have.

Sorry for your loss, nash. 

Thank you Gwen. Lots of last minute decisions alone, but I do feel like I kept the things that meant the most to him like his ring, his tools and the books and shirts he bought me. I will learn to accept what couldn't be salvaged and treasure what could be. After all it's just "stuff" and he doesn't need it anymore, but it still brings me some degree of guilt that I couldn't salvage everything like his shaving kit and other odds and ends that are just minor things. I have precious memories and pictures on my phone that will always be with me. 

Hard to believe it's been just over 4 months since I lost the love of my life. In the beginning I was so distraught, I left a lot of things behind, threw away some things like his phone and donated some things. I kept his ring, tools he had used for years, shirts and socks he bought me, 2 devotional books he bought me, his favorite belt and caps, his sunglasses and his clothes to send to his kids to make teddy bears from for the Grandkids.

Today I am distraught because I can't find his wallet he carried for years and his favorite music CDs. I swear I put them in a drawer under some clothes, but I have turned both dressers upside down and can't find them. I know it's just stuff and he doesn't know, but I do. I also left behind a wooden box he cleaned up for me to put colored pencils in and am feeling so guilty about that. 

Like I said, I kept the important things, but am on a huge guilt trip about the things I did throw out or left behind. I was so upset I couldn't think straight and just couldn't bear to look at it all. 

I'm doing worse. Feeling suicidal today. The pain is unbearable. Still blaming myself and have so much guilt. I can't eat and the anxiety is horrible. I just want to be free from this horrible pain. 

I would have to start all over with a new job, and being a Nurse, I would have to be "present" at all times. My anxiety level is out the roof and I cry most of the day. Flashbacks from the hospital haunt me and I feel sick all the time. Two weeks today...

I've been out of work for about 3 weeks now. Today is day 13 without my soulmate/best friend. I'm doing good just to get out of bed and get thru the day. I cry everyday and have no energy. I eat and stay hydrated because I have to. 

I have a job offer but I don't know if I'm ready to get back at it. I don't know if I can get thru the days without crying all day. I can imagine that wouldn't be beneficial to my job and the Administrator would tire of me grieving. 

I live with my elderly parents and will have to eventually find work, so how quickly did those of you who lost their sweethearts get back at it? Working from home is not an option unfortunately. 

4 minutes ago, Gwenivere said:

You are being hit with all the questions no one here can ever answer.  I know that is frustrating to hear.   We've all seen things we can’t unsee.  I don’t know if overcome is the right word, but close enough.  I know when my mind kept dragging me back there and I stopped fighting it, I surrendered to the pain.  I would sometimes fall into deep despair or scream at the ugliness of it.  Eventually it has become a rare place I see now.  Usually only brought to mind when asked, heard about or even answering this post.  I feel it choking my stomach writing this.  It will never go away and it is something you will carry forever.  I wish we had delete options like recorded shows.  But we don’t.

you really must keep in mind how new this is for you.  Totally OK to ask, but most all your questions will be the same answer....time.  It sucks and you should scream about that too.  If ever we want time to move faster, it’s now.  It’s not getting in the way.  It’s part of the grief you have to face and find your way of handling it’s power.  We can only suggest what happened individually.  You can’t skip certain parts.  I’ll always have to carry what I saw.  The best we can offer is how we each handled it, but it doesn’t mean it will work for you.  I’m glad you said overcome, not erase.  That  shows some acceptance and gives you power you may not feel you have.  You’ve already made some progress you should give yourself credit for.  

Thank you. I would like suggestions as to how each person handled the ugliness of those final days/moments. 

4 hours ago, Kieron said:

The weight loss thing is probably pretty common.  I know I lost quite a bit in the last weeks of his life, and the weeks afterward.  Even though my appetite never really changed, I kept feeling like I was starving.  It was such a strange feeling.  It wasn't until later that I realized that there is really is such a seasoning as Love, an ingredient that makes everything taste better.   After 3+ years, I don't notice it as much, but I'll never take that feeling for granted, ever again.

As for the bad images, which I take to mean flashbacks, yes, those are very much a thing.  Your psyche witnessed powerful events that leave a lasting impression and they're bound to bring you flashbacks.  Since you have mentioned your faith path more than once, some of the suggestions I sometimes give others won't mesh real well with it.  Maybe others here have some ideas, but until then, I assure you what you are noticing is definitely an aftereffect of what you went through.  It's hard, I know.  🙁

Yes. Flashbacks. And I pray they ease with time. 

I came across some of his favorite songs this morning and I lost it. God how it hurt.

I see cardinals everyday. When I sit outside and pray, talk to Brian...I see several cardinals. One even landed on the chair he used to sit in on the deck when we had to stay with my parents until we got on our feet. Another circled that chair yesterday.

One morning last week just before 2:00am, I was standing in the yard praying. Asking God to somehow show me Brian is okay and happy. I looked up and saw a brilliant shooting star and I know that was God's way of telling me all is well with Brian. 

I moved in with my parents and they make me eat even though I don't want to. I've lost 16 pounds. I can only stomach a little at a time. I drink plenty of fluids. I don't sleep in the bed Brian and I shared together but I long for him to be beside me. I may go horseback riding today with one of my sons. 

Someone please tell me how to overcome the bad images from his hospital stay. I feel it is getting in the way of even beginning to cope. 

I know he's not coming back, like I'll wake up and it will all be a bad dream. I feel I'm not in shock like I was the first week. I have cried uncontrollably everyday, I've questioned why, I've dealt with guilt, regret and blame (that's slowly becoming easier to deal with.)

At the moment my biggest struggle, other than missing Brian more than I can ever begin to express, is that I am still being haunted by some of the sights and sounds from his week in the hospital before he went to his Heavenly home. Why did he seem to be getting better? Why did I have to see him cry? The sounds of his breathing and the "death face." This is really messing me up.

I can't even sleep in the middle of the bed. 

Will this fresh hell ever get better? Am I doomed to live in a constant state of horrible sadness and emptiness for the rest of my life?? I don't want to live like this day after day after horrible day!! Is this all there is left? A broken, weepy, half person?? My God I cannot do it!!! Only 10 days and it seems like 10 YEARS!!