Missy1965

His name is Brian 😞 He was the most tenderhearted, funny, sweet man who would go out of his way to help others. A truly beautiful soul. He loved the beach and wanted to be a beach bum. He loved taking care of me and doing things for me. He loved cars and loved taking care of mine. Because of the alcohol, we had a lot of fights but I loved in spite of it. He wanted help and I tried. God knows I tried. He had been to rehab before but didn't want to go back. He wanted to do it on his own. I have so many regrets over things I said to him out of anger. I imagine if the roles were reversed, he would be doing and feeling the same way I am now as he said a lot of things too. He said in the hospital he wanted to live. I can't get that out of my head. Was it his time?

You didn't hurt me and you're right, I'm trying to escape the pain. Right now I feel as if I am not going to make it. The week in the hospital, his illness, my feelings of guilt and regret...all these things have me bound so tightly and I don't know where to even begin. I can't even drive my car without seeing him beside me. I don't even want to live anymore. I pray God has mercy on me and takes me home asap. I just want to be at peace and see him again. I can't even say his name 😞

Is it too soon to start volunteering at a therapeutic horseback riding stable? We went everywhere together in my car and I don't know if I'm ready to get in it without wishing he was beside me listening to his favorite songs over and over, turned up too loud. He knew I love horses and always wanted me to be able to be around them, but he would've wanted to go with me. I feel sick and anxious today. I haven't slept in more than 24 hours.

I keep replaying the week in the hospital over and over in my head. Lucid moments, confused, lucid, confused...I feel like I gave up on him...like something could've been done.

I'm sorry. I may have been misunderstood. In no way, shape or form am I even remotely close to wanting to be in another relationship. The thought sickens me. I'm 55 years old and as far as I'm concerned, he was my one and only. My end. The last man I will ever love. I just meant that it's discouraging to see so many still grieving so painfully years after their spouses passed. I understand the pain never really goes away if one truly loved his/her spouse and the memories will always be there. I was just saying that I can't imagine being in the raw stages of grief for YEARS. I believe I would die of a broken heart or take my own life. I'm still dealing with a lot of regret like the times he wanted me to hang out on the balcony with him and his friends and I was selfish in wanting my time to myself after work, or I didn't have my bra on and didn't feel like putting it on. I hope he forgave me 😞

Thank you all so much for your kindness and support but to be honest, I'm even more depressed seeing that there are people on here who are still in agony after years of grief. I have accepted the fact that I won't see my soulmate again until I go to my Heavenly home, and am incredibly sad I won't get to physically hold him, kiss him, he won't be able to do the things for me he loved to do, bring me home little happies...but death is a part of life and we're only here temporarily. That doesn't make this any easier, but I'm a Christian woman and will rely on God and my faith to get me thru this heartache. I'm not in denial. I'm very aware of the fact that half of my heart is gone. Now I need to work on letting certain things go and let my love RIP. Again, thank you all so much.

Thank you. I don't know if I'm ready yet. He never really got to enjoy it except on a few occasions. He declined quickly. He did get to walk on the beach and stick his toes in the water and let it wash over his feet. At times we just drove and looked at the ocean. He was too tired a majority of the time or I had to work. There were times he wanted to go late at night but I had to get up early for work. I wish I had taken him now. The guilt I'm feeling is eating me alive.

Thank you all so much for the kind words. I'm in a huge struggle as well with some of the fights we had and the things I said to him like he needed to get a job and that he was just bumming off of me. And things like all he wanted to do was get drunk and we couldn't enjoy anything. A few weeks before he went home to be with the Lord, I was nagging him about not working or helping around the house and he kept telling me he didn't feel well. He didn't LOOK sick at the time so I didn't know. I just didn't know...It is eating me alive. On another note, my sister lives in Navarre, Florida and has offered to let me stay with her and her family. I'm staying with my elderly parents and they're doing the best they can comforting me, I cry constantly and it's putting stress on them. My sweethearts dream was to live on the beach so I got a job on the Gulf Coast. He got to enjoy it only 3 months. I feel like if I move to my sister's place I will be somehow rubbing it in his face by living by the beach. Like it would be unfair to him. We had so many plans but now he won't get to see his dream of beach life come true. Please help. I don't know what to do.

Thank you. It's just so raw and painful. I wish God would go ahead and take me so I can see him again. I just wanted him to be happy. We moved to the beach just 3 months ago because that was his dream. There's so much more but it's too much to type right now. He never really was at peace on this earth. He went thru so much pain mentally. He's finally at peace now.

Thank you so much for the encouraging words. I'm struggling with blaming myself for buying the liquor for him on the way home from work. He didn't have a job so I would stop at the liquor store on my way home. Yes he asked for it. He had started drinking more and I begged him to cut down. Doctors told him not to try to quit cold turkey because the withdrawals could kill him. He had horrible seizures when he did try to quit cold turkey a few times and it scared us both. You see? He wanted so badly to stop and in some ways I feel like I contributed to his illness and ultimately, his death.

I lost my soulmate of more than 3 years just 4 short days ago to liver and kidney failure. He had been sick for a few weeks but absolutely refused to go to the hospital. The times he did go he walked out of the ER pr left AMA. He hated hospitals. By the time he agreed to go it was too late to reverse the damage. He had end stage liver failure due to years of alcohol abuse and when his kidneys all but shut down, the doctors tried everything but they just couldn't catch up. His liver numbers improved slightly but the kidneys never kicked in. He swelled in his abdomen, legs, privates and feet. He lived one week in the hospital with his last day on hospice. During one of his lucid moments he said he knew why he was there and had brought it on himself. He then cried a little and I lost it. He looked at me and said please don't cry. The lucid moments gave me hope. For a week he fought it. He hated the hospital bed so he constantly tried to get up. Those images, his words, the sound of his breathing and his face after he passed are haunting me. I read scripture to him, held his hand, talked to him..for the entire week. I didn't eat or sleep. It's so unfair. I feel like I can't breathe. I walk around in a fog of tears and numbness. I've yelled at God because he didn't heal him and took him from me. I blame myself for not forcing him to get help sooner. So much guilt and regret. He was only 49 years old. He was my whole heart. I don't know if I can live.