nashreed

5 minutes ago, Gwenivere said:

I wonder if I have given up already.  When you use up your time with no enjoyment, that’s not fighting.  I never wanted or needed to fight before for life.  There was friends and interests.  Things mattered.  I see it all around me all the time.  Throwing the ball for my dog, tending to the house because it was lived in, wanting to fix my health so I could enjoy my life.  This is just routine now.  There’s no drive beyond keeping things livable from habit.  So many things I have let slide or do the bare minimum.  I’ve never felt so dead inside.  But I’ve written this so many times here, it’s getting boring for others.  I just sat outside, freezing, and threw the ball for my dog so she is winded and happy.  I feel nothing.  Just cold.

 

 

At least your dog is happy. She loves you and depends on you.  I can't even get a pet. When I feel so, so down...I think there's always somebody worse off. It's raining hard and there's homeless people in my town- freezing cold, nobody cares.... If I didn't have two people who let me live in their house, it could be me out there. I have enough mental issues to match up to them. I can scream at traffic with the best of them. When I was alone, living alone after Annette passed, I did start giving in to my mental illness. Only the project of packing and moving myself kept me focused and in check. Now that I'm here, I am ok because I don't want to be a bother to my family. But, it's good, for what it is.

I miss Annette so much, and I'll never be happy. Aside from music, life has no enjoyment. TV bores me. Food bores me. I don't have a forward drive anymore- I exist and get by because I don't want to let Annette down. I don't want to succumb to despair. I could, easily (except living with my family is kinda like being on sedatives- my emotions are dulled out). I just hope there's something better for you, if just for an hour, even if just for your doggy. It's a cliche', but where's there's life, there's hope... or at least I hope there's hope.

I understand how it is to not have a purpose, to have nothing to do...today is one of those days. 

It's a very rare rainy day in California. Cold and grey, like my life. All I can do is say I know how it is to hurt all the time, and to feel useless. Annette didn't have her health, and she felt like a burden, which broke my heart. I tried to get her to exercise and be active, and I wish I had pushed harder. I feel such guilt for not being tougher with her. Maybe there's some guilt mixed in. I just don't want you to give up. But I understand. 

Sometimes it's all I have to get me through... to think that Annette is having fun with her grandpa up there, putting googly eyes on everything and painting (his hobby was making crafts and critters with googly eyes and painting).

No shame in writing the truth. That's important that you can be so honest and it helps us know your struggle and we're all friends here.  It honestly helps me get through my day, believe it or not, because I can still care about someone and I don't have a completely cold dead heart, as I feared. To have a connection to someone, even just on the internet, is about all I have. I understand your pain, because of Annette's suffering. 

I don't like myself for a lot of reasons. I don't think I have a personality. I have so much mental illness, I can't really even deal with "real" people, except for Annette, who is gone. But you have a cool personally and you can't let the pain win. I know how hard it is to be alone. I can't imagine Annette without me, but she wouldn't have given up on me. She was a fighter. There's a fight there in you too.

Gwen, I'm not sure that it's even a religious thing. There's no reason why a good person like you will not be reunited with Steve in Heaven or the afterlife or whatever it is. It's not necessarily even faith that you need to have. If there is nothing after death, then... well, you won't even know. But if there is something... and Steve is there. It's something to look forward to. Why not believe? There's nothing to lose and possibly so much to look forward to.

I can definitely relate to what you're saying, Missy. The days do go by quickly, I guess, but the time that we've been apart has seemed like years. I find it harder and harder to pull up a memory from our life together. I don't want to forget. Luckily, there's pictures of her happy and healthy that get me through- to remember that she was a vibrant, happy soul on this planet, that she wasn't just a dream. 

I do get by every day, and I can appreciate little things that maybe I would miss with all the stress I had with her health problems. I just don't feel like I do anybody any good- kind of just taking oxygen away from something that has a purpose. I exist, but it's hard to live. I always to try to look at the beauty in the mountains and the clouds and the birds- all the details she couldn't see. I need to appreciate them for her. 

If I didn't have music as a distraction and a friend, I would surely not make it through.

There's a little hummingbird drinking from the feeder I can see out this window. Life goes on here, as I wait to reunite with my angel in Heaven.

There's always a post holiday depression for me, even when Annette was alive. It seems like there was this great build-up and it wasn't bad. I had a wonderful dream of Annette on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day was nice with my family. And now, it's just this empty feeling because the Christmas "spirit" is unsustainable. I'm hit with this reality of "What do I do with myself?". I told myself that I can get to Christmas ok, but now I just realize that I'm just not needed by anyone. I had been married 27 years and facing every day now just feeling so unnecessary is a reality that I was able to keep at bay for months. Now it just hits me that I'm never going to be relevant again. Even Annette's sister, who has been more than kind and texted me through many dark times, is getting back with her husband (though it's absolutely not like a relationship, it was kind of nice that we were helping each other through this- sharing stories and being supportive). It leaves me just here, alone, like a guest at my Mom's that's overstayed their welcome. No possibilities of work- I truly wouldn't know where to even think to begin. I am completely obsolete as far as skills (music retail manager, no college, over 50). This is really a time where I don't think I can face many more days. Truly, there's no place for me. My identity is gone, my reason for living is gone. 

I'm sorry, Kay. I truly find comfort in places that I can find here, where she would have gone to or worked at when she was young and healthy. They give me a sense of peace, because it was a place that she saw and was part of her life. I suppose if I still lived in Tulsa, seeing places that we went to would make me sad. Sadly, the last few years of her life, she didn't feel comfortable going out and she really just went to doctors appointments or Urgent Care. If she went to a store, her eyesight was poor and it was always frustrating to shop with her. I wish I had had more patience. Actually, yeah- Walgreens and Dollar Tree's do stress me out. 

What really, really depresses me are the unavoidable commercials for things like Humira, which she had to take for her RA for years. She started it the first year it was out. Unfortunately, it resulted in her amputation, because it suppresses your healing ability and led to an infection after her ankle replacement surgery. I truly hate those commercials (Commercials in general I can't stand. We always used to tape shows and fast forward through them. My family watches tv in real time and even when watching something recorded, refuses to fast forward through commercials!? Grrrr)

Annette grew up poor as well, and she though she wasn't a foodie, she definitely had her favorites. She had to be careful, because of her Diabetes, but I used to love to surprise her with little treats and things. I suppose that with all of the wonderous beauty in Heaven, one of the things that won't be there is the need to eat. I'm always wondering what Annette is doing up there. What relative she's hanging out with...

It's a really, batcrap crazy world right now. And I would be so worried about Annette if she was living in it, trying to keep her protected.... It doesn't seem to matter now. I guess it's nice to not be stressed out all the time, but I'm also not needed either. That's the hardest part. My Mom and brother have a weird symbiotic relationship and I kind of feel in the way of it. They got by fine without me. I'm here with her to make sure she's ok, but she doesn't need me. She's usually nodding off to CBS procedurals, so it's Uber exciting. I'm sailing my ship without my partner and best friend and there's nothing I can do to fill that emptiness. 

I feel like I'm trying to "find" Annette.

I live in my hometown again, the town where we met. It holds so many memories, but most of the places that mean the most to me and our relationship are gone, or changed, or closed. The Taco Bell we met at has been remodeled, and looks nothing like it used to. The park we used to love to go to (because it has grassy hills that we used to be able to "roll" down) is closed off. You can't drive into the parking lot for the park, because it's been taken over by homeless people.

If if I go to certain locations, I get a sense of deja vu, or I feel like just for a few seconds that it's the 80's or early 90's, before we moved away. It's a weird, cool feeling. I feel like if I drive past at a certain speed or just the right angle, I could hit a time wormhole and go back. 

I actually was able to figure out a location that still looks like it would have back when we lived here. She used to live in a tiny town in the area, and that towns post office still looks the same as far as I can tell. It's where she would have picked up her mail, and I just sat in the parking lot and soaked it in. Went inside and looked around (It's very small, and unfortunately, still has people picking up their mail). Pretty sad, huh. This is what happens when you have too much free time.

Anybody else indulge in this kind of thing? Do you go to the landmarks of your relationship or places your spouse used to work, or is it too painful?

Some music styles I have to be in the mood for. I can appreciate a lot more than I actually enjoy- a lot I can listen to for the production alone. I should have added Christmas music to music I cannot listen to. My brother made me listen to 2 Christmas albums and they made me physically angry. I had to listen to a favorite CD just to calm down. 

I'm just the opposite. Music comforts me. It is a bit hard to listen to the playlists Annette made of her favorite songs- a lot of them are newer bands like Imagine Dragons don't aren't my thing. Knowing they meant a lot to her makes me feel closer to her though. Stuff from the 80's we both loved brings back great memories of when she was healthy and happy. When we could dance to the 8 minute "Tainted Love/Where Did Our Love Go" at the club. 

I've never seen "A Christmas Story", proudly. 

I can listen to and appreciate any type of music except actual Classical, boy bands and modern Country and Pop. It is just so calculated and fake sounding- more cold and impersonal than Kraftwerk (cold German techno). I need to get some Kitaro. Annette had a cassette from during her New Age phase. She literally spent 1989 watching VH1 (remember, they used to show music).

They've been brainwashed by the orange one and right wing media. Some people truly need to have something happen to someone they know to make it real. 

You get some Merry Wishes thrown at ya anyway, Gwen. Please take care and know that there's folks here who truly care. I read your posts every day, and they mean something to me because I understand. Annette was in constant pain, so I know how hard life is for you. Just to have somebody who is suffering the way she did breaks my heart, but also brings out a protective instinct. There's not much I can do except tell you that someone cares. You are not your pain and the body that has let you down. You're a beautiful woman with the heart of a young girl who wishes they could be free from their disabilities. Your mind and your soul are still young and I hope there's a miracle for you- whether it's a small unexpected joy or rememberence of better times or an hour pain free: where there's life there's hope, until you can be with your soul mate again. I have no doubt they're waiting for us. It will make all this pain worth it. 

My family had a heckuva time getting me gifts. I don't know what I want (or it's things that are too expensive). I have so little room for stuff in this cramped mobile home as it is. I really don't need more CD's, but they're about all I have interest in- so I got some, along with some clothes, a nightlight and a shower curtain 😺 . I got my brother all Baby Yoda stuff to be funny. 

I would like to do something that makes me feel like I'm worth something. It is very hard right now though. My father-in-law is very involved with a church, and though they are COVID deniers, I'm sure they are good people. I would be welcomed and could do some good there. I was a librarian for a church we went to years ago. I would be able to socialize at any other time. I'm not worried about myself so much, but I can't risk my Mom getting it. She has very bad allergies to wheat and breads, which is the base of everything she eats. She refused to change, so every morning she's coughing and sneezing. It's been like that for years and years, but she's high risk because of it, and 84. I have to think of her when going out or not. I can do "not" very easily. 

I understand. I often wonder if I'm just not a very nice person. I always tried to be "up" for Annette- I always loved to make her laugh, and I tried to distract her from her pain and problems. Without her, I don't think I'm nice. I'm not social. I can't make small talk. I can't look people in the eye, and with masks now, my voice is really hard to understand. I'm selfish, and I regret all the "me" time I took that I could have been with Annette.

The problem is, like you say- I lost my better half. I lost the good part of me. All that's left is a shy, insecure, selfish kinda jerk. I want to be a good person for her, but it's harder... a lot harder. 

It made me feel better when I visited my father-in-law and his family has a big, friendly dog that I'd never met before. He started sniffing and licking me and didn't bark- maybe that means I'm not too bad. Dogs can tell if you're a bad person and won't like you. That's why a certain President doesn't have one. 

Merry Christmas from Annette, from a happier time. May you all remember your loved ones the way they were happiest. There is only joy and love where they are now. We are blessed to have known them.

I dreamt of Annette. I'm happy and sad simultaneously and wide awake at 5:45 am (I woke up at 4:44).

I prayed to God last night, and He heard my prayer. I was having an old school work dream about working at the music store in the 90's (I remember Dave Matthews Band music playing) and it was good- I loved that store (Wherehouse Music with a huge floor of CD's) I was taken out of the reality of that dream (nobody preorders DVD's anymore!) and I awake in a sunlit bedroom I don't recognize (I think it was our first apartment in Tulsa). Annette rolls in, in a wheelchair, but looks fit and happy. She says "Hi Baby" and then we hug, and I feel such love and warmth. It was her! She hugged so tight. It didn't last long enough, hugs never do, but I felt it. For a second it was real. I felt her love and the tightness of her hug. It was a weird feeling of her being right there, but knowing she has passed. But, I know she's good. I have this clarity that my family needs me here on earth, but she's with me and waiting for me. I needed this, I've been waiting for her and so needing a hug from her. Merry Christmas Eve! 

I'm sorry, Gwen, and to everyone who has to spend Christmas alone. I have this insane clarity this morning and I realize how blessed I am. My family really needs me and love me, in their way. I always used to be wistful that I couldn't be with my mother and brother at Christmas, and though I certainly didn't want it this way, it is Christmas with them. I dreamt of Annette and can't fall back to sleep (follow me to the "Behaviors" posts!). Merry Christmas Eve!

I know Missy. I like to think that God knew Annette had had enough pain, and with His Mercy, He called her home. I know she was ready. I never doubted it. She was saved. She was a big fan of the singer Keith Green, who had a tragic death, but touched so many with his music. 

You have helped- believe me. Just having people who understand. I don't have anybody in "real life" to talk to. The miracle of the Internet. 

I can imagine Annette cheering me on. Thanks!

3 minutes ago, Missy1965 said:

James, I always felt he was my purpose, but now I have to shift my focus, asking God to lead me and do His will in my life. I cry as I type this. It's very hard.

That's exactly how I feel. She was my purpose. I was her caregiver, and I could only work with her encouragement and because she needed me to. (I had a panic attack that led to major anxiety issues when I was working retail a decade or so ago. I am on disability so I really can only work part time, and I need the Medicare more than the sense of purpose a job would bring)

You've made it this far. We're all making it in our own way here. There's a purpose for us. Maybe that's simply helping each other get through this.

I was lucky to have connected with a grade school friend through Facebook. He lives here with his wife and son. At least I do have one friend here. I was a stereotypical "nerd" in Catholic grade school. Funny thing is- I wasn't smart, but I had glasses and fit the part. When I went to High School with actual smart kids, I could no longer portray that charade, so I became a basket case- dressed all in black and was left alone. Grade school is the last place that I actually was able to make friends. I had two really good grade school friends that just up and decided they didn't want to be friends one day, and that shattered my ability to have any confidence in making friends. I guess I should be glad for Facebook! It also gave me a place to vent about the madness of the last four years.

1 hour ago, Missy1965 said:

I cry everyday. Sometimes so hard I can't breathe. This month has been particularly difficult. I'm praying the New Year will be better for all of us, and everyone else who are struggling. It's just been a tough year. Period. 

Be good to yourself. If you have a purpose here, you also deserve to have happiness. Think of it as your purpose being a job- you deserve to rest and to have a reward. Although it's bad for me, I get some Haagan Daas every so often, just for a reward for surviving. If it wasn't for music, I don't know what I'd do. (Any music from 1980-85 will put me in a good mood) Take care.