nashreed

Sounds like a party, Gwen. Annette always used to joke that she could beat anybody at the "Oh woe is me" thing and how many things are wrong with her. Filling out just her list of medications was fuuun. Never enough space for all of them. 

It is a conundrum as to going to visit people. I went to my father-in-law's, and it was more depressing than it was good for me. Him and his wife moved in with his daughter-in-law, and she has kids, and a big ol' dog and it's nice and homey... and depressing. I'm torn too, because I have to be careful. I don't want to give my Mom anything, and they're Conservative Christians (aka COVID deniers). He's a good man. I just don't see how he could be so fooled, but....

I do hope something warms your heart this Christmas. Maybe just seeing some birds outside or sometimes if I hear a phrase or say something in my head, I can hear Annette's response, and that brings a smile. There's still miracles to be had on Christmas, for even the lonely.

Absolutely! I agree Missy. I just need to have patience. She used to sing a song from her childhood (in a low, deep turtle voice)- "Have patience, have patience. Don't be in such a hurry..."

I love Annette and there's not a minute that goes by that I don't think of her in some way. I know that there's still some reason I'm here. Sometimes I think I'm being punished- like I'm in purgatory. I just try to be what Annette would want me to be. I don't know what my purpose is yet, though.

It's true. I have to remember. I have the gift of sight, which Annette did not have (she was legally blind). Just seeing two hummingbirds chasing each other around this morning made me smile- to think the two of us could be free and happy like that in Heaven. I try to be good. I try to do things she'd be proud of me for.

I know that I won't ever find another love, but I miss having someone that I can talk to about anything- even poop consistency! A teammate, my soul mate. Everything seems pointless, and I've never felt such emptiness and loneliness. How one person could be everything to me is mind boggling.  She was that amazing. 

10 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I’ve been letting Xmas movies run in the evening.  One of our favorites was Scrooged and I wound up in tears after.  I don’t know why I’m doing this.  Last night was Jack Frost which I never saw.  Tears again as Michael Keaton got to see his family again after his death.  Not really a good representation of how his wife would have felt.  She was way too OK at the one year anniversary.  Good about his 12 year old son.  Anyway, like your country music, I have to start turning this stuff off.  

Don't torture yourself! My family is always wanting to watch Christmas movies and play Christmas music. Don't they know how incredibly depressing that crap is for me?  Those ridiculous "classics" are so overplayed as it is. I hated hearing the same stupid songs working in retail. I made CD's of songs that were non- traditional, that I could stand. If "Winter Wonderland" is a "Christmas" song, so is "Winter" by the Stones. 

I know I will see her again. I know she's with me in some way, but I don't feel her presence. Hopefully that means she's happy and not in any way tied to this physical world. She's free of all her problems. 

Her pictures are the only way I can live without her. I can't even fathom going a day without seeing her. I never have since we met. Even when we had broken up I had a picture of her I carried around- even to work! Working at a Taco Bell drive thru, I would look at it, because I missed her so much- and we had broken up, and she hated me.  The same picture is still on my wall. 

What I have to do is balance my day, because if I think of her too much I get too depressed. I wish I could cry, but I come from an emotionally repressed family, so I can hold it in. I'm afraid that if I did cry, I'd never be able to stop. 

They say it's "better to have loved and lost, then never to have loved at all", but I'm not sure now. I try to think about how much I was loved, but it feels like another lifetime ago already, not 7 months. I'm sorry it made you cry to see his pictures. I find that seeing my wife happy in pictures as proof that she had a good life. I only ever wanted her happy. She has to be happy now, because she was in such pain in this life. We always said "I'm OK if you're OK". I know she's ok, so I have to be ok for her. 

I have no idea what I'm doing with my life. I'm cool with life or death. It's kinda weird not being worried about everything anymore. I love my wife more than ever. I talk to her, and I imagine the pandemic keeps us apart sometimes, but it's hard to keep up the charade this long. I try to keep focused on little projects. It's just hard. I wish I had advice. I'm lost too.

22 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Time magazine ran two issues in a row about this.  The first cover was The Virus Winter, the second is 2020 with a red X on it.  To me it feels like a very real year.  The worst of my life, sometime surpassing losing Steve as at least then I had my health.  I could do things we did and feel I was still connected in some way.  Now it is utter loneliness with the isolation.  I read articles by people going nuts with too much time around their families.  I’m sure it’s a big adjustment when we have been such a mobile, independent society.  People rarely ate together anymore.  But wayyyyy back when, it was normal for people to be together.  I read the complaints and feel no compassion.  I’d love to be getting on each other’s nerves because we were intelligent enough to retreat to our respective interests for breaks.  Go for a drive alone if need be.  I want to yell at these people to get creative and see how fortunate they are.  Not talking abusive situations here.  Just day to day living.  Not having every single task fall on you.  Being able to talk and hear a reply.  Someone to gripe with or appreciate.  Such simple things.  Feeling safe in case something happens like a fall or your dog needing help.  My medic alert button is not going to fill those needs beyond calling 911.  I’m cold in a way I’ve never been.  

What shows me is I have time to write posts for hours because life is so empty.  I love you all, but I wish I had something to do instead of seeing all I don’t.  If I can offer support, that feels good.  So much is needing the contact this family provides.  For that I really am grateful.  No one out there gets it as we know from experience.  

I have never felt so useless and so alone. My wife has a sister and a Dad, who obviously are sharing in my grief -and helping me tremendously. But at the same time, Annette's Dad is remarried and happy with a lot of extended family around and even her sister, who has terrible luck with husbands is getting back with her husband. I am I so completely alone and miserable. So, my family are all lonely, unhappy people together for the holidays. Yippee. I guess I should be in the fortunate category, and be happy I have at least two people here that get on my nerves. Trying to be positive. I could live alone, and that would be worse. I wish I had the energy and will to kind of get out of my funk and get more engaged with my family. I tried early on, but they just don't seem to be interested in changing their routines either. 

Yes- I know. It's hard to do- I have regrets still. With time, I don't feel as bad. I felt so bad because I used to be so protective of her, that I smothered her. I was always bugging her- asking if she needed a nap, because I knew sleep was important for her, and I didn't want her to be "woogy" (our word for being sleepy and out of it and not thinking clearly). I truly only had her best interests at heart. I know she understands, but I have to deal with it so it makes sense to me. All my worrying didn't help anything, and that's a hard pill to swallow.

1 hour ago, Gwenivere said:

Steve and I didn’t do the dating thing.  We snuck around because of marriage issues.   Our marriages thru choice tho.  Oddly we didn’t get together right away.  Steve took a job here in Seattle and the separation changed everything. He was flying back every other weekend.  I had thought it was just a super attraction thing, but none would ever have made me quit my job, store my stuff and move to Seattle the first time he asked.  Thought it would end at some point just like others even tho this felt different.   I was deeply in love and didn’t want to acknowledge that.  When he said we should get married I was stunned.  I knew his track record, maybe 4 years.  But I did and while we came close to ending it twice, it was only successful when death snatched him away.   We never did figure out what made our connection/addiction so intense beyond anything we ever felt.  No matter how bad, we couldn’t stay away from each other, even when separated there were excuses made to be together.  We both were the ones that ended things with previous partners.  We couldn’t with each other.  

So I read the above start if this discussion and see, no, I couldn’t 'date' anyone again.  Like Karen, I could never live with anyone again.  Yes, I want companionship, but it would be disappointing.   As Kieron said, set in my ways.  Ways only he would fill.  I’ve had years to think about this and nothing or no one has made me feel anything.  I had interest a couple years after by some, I felt nothing.  Didn’t want the possibility of them feeling anything I could never reciprocate.  

I was and am still in love.  Always will be.  

I think that nails it. I am still in love with Annette. From the moment I met her, I don't think I ever stopped thinking about her. 

We went out for a couple of months, and then we broke up for two years. During this time, all I did was pace around thinking of ways to get her back. It was all my fault- I was so inexperienced, and she didn't understand why I wasn't like other guys. During those two years, I tried to hang out with her friends, just to be around her. I even had another girl that was interested in me (a very sweet African American girl who looked like Tracy Chapman). I went with her AND another girl to Disneyland, for what was supposed to be a romantic opportunity of a lifetime... and all I did was pine for Annette the whole time. Seriously,-completely blew it (the poor girl was killed in some senseless family gun violence incident a year or so later). All I ever wanted was to be with Annette. And now I still pace around pining for Annette, trying to figure out a way to "get her back". 30 years later and I'm in the same situation...sorta. 

2 minutes ago, KarenK said:

This may sound stupid and I don't know if men think about this, but being a woman, I'd almost be afraid to go out with a stranger. I'm not near as strong and fast as I used to be and what if he turned out to be a serial killer or rapist. To be truthful, I'm not real good at reading people. Ron was, but I kind of take people at face value. I watch and read way to many crime stories, I guess. Good thing I'm not really interested. I definitely wouldn't want to live with someone new.

I don't think there's nearly as many serial killers around these days. People are too lazy. Knowing my luck, I'm sure I give off "creep" vibes. I'm definitely not an athletic guy, and I've never been a guy who exudes confidence or have any handyman skills or.... Yeah, I'm going to be alone the rest of my life. That's okay. I had my love- a lot of people never do. It's this purgatory I'm in now that I need to accept.

I wonder if that's even possible- just to date, when you're over 50. 

I really wouldn't want anything other than casual companionship. I doubt many women in my age group are looking for the same thing. Most will have children of some age- I can't be anybody's stepdad. I have nothing really to offer financially- I'm sure that's a no-go. Why can't two lonely people just want to spend time together without committing to change each others lives?

Today I woke up very sad, because I dreamt that I asked Annette how she was feeling and I remember she said "terrible". That's not necessarily an unusual response. She would usually say "hurtin'". I just started thinking about all the ways I could have made her feel terrible. She used to leave me a message every hour at work, just to let me know she was ok (she would tell me what her blood sugar was, and in the last two months, her temperature). Sometimes she would forget, or her phone would run out of battery life. She would get sleepy (pain and sleep apnea made it very hard to get a good nights sleep) very early and sometimes get kinda loopy and forget to call. So if I couldn't call her back (because her phone was charging or something), I would freak the freak out and I sometimes had to race home on my lunch to make sure she was ok. I did find her a couple of times with a low blood sugar and one time had to call EMSA. But if it was just some reason like she didn't hear the phone because she was watching something, I would get so mad and yell at her because she knew how much I worried. I feel terrible about things like that still. I wish I had been better to her. 

I was very lucky. What are the odds of finding your soul mate? If I hadn't applied at that fast food place and got hired, I never would have met her. We lived in the same town, but never went to the same schools. It could have easily been another place that I could have applied at. Up until this year, I always believed you were where you were supposed to be. things happen for a reason, etc. It always seemed like me and Annette- us against the world, we could make it through anything- we always did, ...until she didn't. 

I believe that her spirit is around- I just can't feel it because I can't calm my mind at all. If I wake up to go to the bathroom, that's it- my mind starts up with all this stupid stuff and it takes a while to fall back asleep. It would be very frustrating for her to try to contact me I imagine. 

I am in contact with a widowed friend who has been to a medium, and her husband has been able to give her signs and she's been told he is watching over her. Maybe I want to believe too much. I don't know why some people can't tap into that energy. 

We hadn't been able to sleep in the same bed for years, but there's so much more to marriage than the physical. I just miss it all- every aspect. You're right, Gwen, it would be waaay too much work to have a relationship that really means something. I'd settle for a couple of good friends at this point. 

You better believe there was only one Annette. I miss her so much.

You know, it is very lonely. I literally have nowhere to go. I drive around a pretty small town and it is booring. 

When I'm home, my Mom and I don't talk a lot. She's always nodding off, for no other reason than that she's old. She closes her eyes and looks totally like she's sleeping, but if you ask she will never admit it- she's always awake, but her eyes are also closed and her head is down. It's so irritating. Why do people get so offended about being caught nodding off? Annette got mad about it too.  Plus she's hard of hearing, and my voice is so low in volume and hard to understand. I hate shouting. It's just easier to not talk. 

Thanks. It means a lot that you would take the time to write that out. 

I'm torn. I'm resigned that I won't find anyone like Annette ever again- she was perfect for me. But I guess the "man" in me wants another relationship- for companionship and affection. This is not the era to be single. Is there ever going to be a time when you could meet somebody at the grocery store, deciding on melons? Everybody avoid strangers like the plague- literally, and I'm afraid that mindset is here to stay. 

I know Annette wouldn't mind me having another relationship. We said that I could even have an affair- if it was a redhead (my type). I doubt there's any available anyway. Every woman seems taken. For every breathing female there's a dozen men looking for action. I don't even have a job right now. I'm on disability living with my Mom, and I wouldn't want to even attempt to get a job in this environment. She's 84, and it's good she has someone here and she's not left alone much. It's bad enough my brother works at Walmart. It's like playing Russian Roulette. 

So, yeah, I know I might be young, but I fear my hopes as far as another romantic relationship is not in the cards. It's the getting used to not having a purpose that's hard. Being her caregiver, but also her best friend. We could be ourselves, as nasty as we wanted to be. We could discuss feelings and fears and dreams. My family doesn't do feelings. Hugs are not done. It's a very hard adjustment. I just take it one day at a time.

The funny part is me remembering it and making a point to remember, which I don't usually do. Most mornings I have a very vague recollection of what I dreamt (like this morning) and there was no Annette component in there at all.

I actually did dream of Annette last night- although it was very brief. Through the dream, I was not myself- I was a worker, doing some kind of inventory in a series of warehouses. It seems to have been related to seeing the vaccine rollout on the news, as I was aware to be careful of COVID in the building, but also taking stock of product (I used to do inventory work and also check in boxes of merchandise in previous jobs- so work dreams are common). I had a supervisor and an assistant and at some point the assistant turned around to kiss me! Only then did I recognize that the "assistant" was Annette. She didn't look like her, but I knew it was her because she did something that only she would do (and has done before)- she slipped her gum in my mouth! I thought it was gross, and then I woke up. She chewed gum constantly, so I was very aware it was her. The fact that I woke up and remembered the dream -which is rare- means that it meant something.

1 hour ago, Gwenivere said:

Presents?  What are those, I seem to have forgotten.  I see people with rolls of wrapping paper and do have memories of doing that. Was darned good at it too.  Loved handing them to people just like getting some myself.  *sigh*. The good old days.  We went from piles of them crammed under a large tree to one apiece with a 2 foot table tree.  All felt good.  Now, nothing.  Can’t even take ones to the nursing home.  Well, I could but I can’t see the people.  They are doing what I used to anyway, but for all the residents.  I brought things for my groups I spent time with.   

For us it was showing how we knew each other.  We bought things we needed during the year.  It was the fun of the surprise, or not. Steve tried to high tech me a few times and failed, like a Kindle.  I like paper books and he was sad to send it back.  I suggested he keep it and he got hooked.  He did get me into Tevo.  Changed Tv forever.  Can’t imagine the rituals I went thru with a regular cassette recorder and no season passes. 

I’m strolling too deep down memory lane.  I’m just bumming myself out more.  It’s bad enough Christmas can’t mean anything but pain right now to be living it in advance.  This is when I want to be an animal that lives in the moment only.  Being able to not dressed walking would be nice too.

I actually love to hear the stories from a marriage. We actually saved a lot of our outdated technology and made a cabinet of obsolete items from our life together, which I cherish: things like a cassette walkman, MP3 player, old answering machine, and her first blood glucose reader. I actually had to save several of her cassette tapes- she was proud of her collection until she met the guy with a few hundred CD's (at the time).

Caring for Annette was difficult- I can only imagine to your struggle, Gwen. I wish I hadn't been so mean to Annette when she was hallucinating, but it was the only way to help her. She would get so stubborn and obstinate when sleep deprived and dehydrated, which is what the hallucinations were caused by- that and the opioids. 

Thanks for that. Her death was basically a combination of everything that was going wrong with her health in one accident- kidney function, extreme low blood sugar (she had Type 1 Diabetes from the age of 15) and heart failure. She was very obese and in chronic pain. She had severe edema towards the end- just a lot. She had been in the hospital for two weeks. Originally she went in because her knee locked up and she couldn't even stand, but in the hospital (somehow) her kidney function went south. I have so many questions still about the details, but I couldn't visit, so I couldn't grill the doctors. She was very loopy during her stay. They transferred her to a rehab, but she did not want to stay there. It was a crappy place anyway, but she would have been there when she passed. I don't know if that would have changed things. She just couldn't face another 2 weeks with us separated, I know that. She almost passed in the hospital- she just kind of casually mentioned it. I was so glad that she wasn't loopy anymore, I didn't press it and I should have. It doesn't matter now, but I asked her doctors office today for the records of that stay. I just need the closure. But, just the last few months, she was in so much pain. She would be in her wheelchair and put her head on the bathroom door jam and cry- it was that hard to get up to go. I don't think she gave up, but she had no right in her. Her body gave up. 

Wow, "Little House"... I'm sure I did as a kid. Annette loved that show too. Of course, everybody during the 70's watched the same shows, so even though we didn't grow up together, Annette and I had the same reference points of shows we watched and loved- "Dukes Of Hazzard", "Battlestar Galactica", "Hardy Boys"... I can't imagine young couples today having the same pop culture reference points- there's just too much, too many channels, too many choices. It's sad. 

I have our stockings up in my room, but we never put anything in them. They were just for decoration. 

It's snowing in our home of Tulsa. She would have liked it, although I always, always freaked out because I hate driving in the snow. I had to worry about clearing the ramp if she needed to go to a doctor appointment. It was always very stressful and this time of year I had that added stress of the weather- but I'd give anything for that stress again.

Hard to get into "the spirit" where the seasons don't change- although if it's windy, the palm trees shed, so that's Fall. And if it's in the 60's, people in California are freezing. I never wear a jacket except in the mornings when it's in the low 40's.

And George Harrison sang "All Things Must Pass". But why so soon? I just wasn't ready. I feel like she might have known it was her time soon, but couldn't tell me because I would have completely lost my mind. I feel bad that she wouldn't have been able to confide that to me. What kind of husband is that?