nashreed

I think I finally am getting the hang of talking to Annette. It's hard to focus on a monologue, but when it works I can hear in my head what her response to what I'm saying would be- and that is very comforting and makes me feel a lot better. I need my morning walks (and talks) with her- they're very good for my psyche right now.

2 hours ago, kayc said:

She would not have.  Once we've past that point of our heart stopping, there is no more pain.  Our spirits are sometimes in a transitory place (I've had NDEs) where we're up above and watching them working on us, before we go to that next place, but no pain as they're giving compressions.

Thank you. When I went to the hospital to see her after she had passed, she had a tear in her eye, and I was so afraid she had been in pain.  It was 4am, and I didn't want to leave her. It was so hard. I didn't want to seem weird, and the staff there weren't very nice at 4am. I just didn't want to leave her. I'll never forget how beautiful she looked at 4am May 16, 2020.

2 hours ago, kayc said:

I understand, there are about a dozen barking hounds (each sounds like it has a dual set of vocal cords) just three houses down from me, and a German Shepherd across from me that barks terribly with a sharp piercing sound, the owners never get onto him and why for the life of me they leave him outside at night when window are open, I do not know.  None of us can sleep with it.

I'm sorry. People are so rude. Absolutely no consideration for others around here. Plus, there's always these screaming kids terrorizing the streets. Why do kids constantly have to scream and why do parents let them? Whatever happened to "Kids should be seen, not heard"? I would never have gotten away with that crap when I was a kid.

I'm so sorry, Joan. It is so hard to be this early in the grieving. My wife has been gone a little over five months. I thought she would be ok when they were working on her after a severe low blood sugar, that let to a cardiac arrest. I am grateful that (as far as I know) she was still alive when she was taken by the ambulance. I just hope she didn't feel pain when they were doing the compressions trying to revive her. 

I have guilt about so many things. I enabled her in some ways, because she tried so hard to eat better and cook healthy, but I couldn't say no to her when she wanted fast food or something unhealthy. Life is too short. 

This may not be consolation now, but, in my opinion, everything happens for a reason. Maybe it's for the best that she passed the way she did, and didn't get COVID- which would be her worst nightmare. She was claustrophobic and her worst fear was not being able to breathe. Please don't beat yourself up too much. He wouldn't want you to. 

I so wish I had the patience to meditate, but it would take a lot of Xanax to help me be that calm. I live in a mobile home park that's like a kennel- there's so many dogs barking all the time and sound triggers my anxiety, and dogs do that big time. I often have to have headphones on just to keep sane. 

I know that if it was easy to appear to me or be in my dreams, Annette would do it. Maybe I'm just too out of touch with my spiritual side. It might be too frustrating for her to contact me. 

Hello.

I thought it would be nice to help keep the memory of my wife, Annette alive by listing things I loved about her. Hopefully it will give you all a little opportunity to get to know her, and then in turn, you can write about your beloved. I think it would be a nice healing thing to do, because if I share some things about her, I can remember the good times and not the bad. 

She was 49. She was short, 5' 4". She had the cutest little button nose that I used to press in with my finger, because there was literally no cartilage there. Her favorite feature of hers were her ears, because they were small and petite and perfectly formed. Her natural hair color was kind of a mousey brown, but she dyed it different tones of auburn and red, and had since she was 16. I just so happened to be a big fan of redheads, so she kept it up for me.

She was a huge reader. Unfortunately, she lost a lot of her eyesight because of her Diabetes and having to use Prednisone, so she used a Kindle. Her favorite author was Robert Heinlein. She also loved the Chronicles Of Narnia books, as her mother read them to her as a child. She was always very curious about nature and was also very gullible, which I used to have fun with. She was very funny and cute, and would make up songs for me on voicemails, usually singing new lyrics to Carpenters songs, because they were in her limited range.

Ultimately, she was very shy, but I am too. We were each others soul mates and understood each other so well. She brought out my best qualities, which I didn't know I had. I have a tendency to be very selfish, but she made be more selfless. As she got more dependent on me, I had to step up and actually cook and doing things for her made me happy. Getting her little surprises made my day. She was so patient and tolerant. She put up with me blasting music every afternoon. She had a huge heart, but was also so very sensitive. She lost a lot of friends along the way due to perceived slights. She was really too good for this world. 

James

Hello Tina,

I recently found this forum and find that, after 5 months, it's important to have people that understand. Me and my wife were a team- we never needed anybody else, because we loved each others company. Now, I find I have such a hole in my life, such loneliness. But, it helps that there are people here that are friends. It is a day by day struggle, but post here- it helps! And listen to music- it's a great healer.

And on a tangent... I wonder if anybody has ever had an experience seeing what I guess would be an "orb". It's unusual because I see it in my phone camera. I take pictures of CD's to sell on Ebay. A couple of times now, I have seen a tiny little orb fly into the camera frame. I have an open window for better light, setting the disc on a chair. I would say there might be glare shining off the plastic case, except it zooms in as a little ball of light, like a bug would. It only happens once a session as well. Just a funny thought that she might be saying "Hi" to me in that way. I just would think that it's pretty hard to be seen if you were spirit energy, and I certainly don't want her hanging around as a "ghost". Just curious to me.

Yes, I just hate to think that I might be blocking her being able to come through because I might be being too hard on myself, with guilt.

I feel like I finally had a focused successful conversation with my beloved Annette. Every morning, I walked around a disused basketball court here and try to focus and have a talk with her, and I usually get distracted easily or I sound silly  to myself "talking to myself". But today, I actually was able to keep focused and expressed what I had to say and could imagine in my head what see would say (when my thick brain actually figured out something that she knew to be obvious, she would go "Ding, ding, ding").

I'm still frustrated and upset that I haven't gotten much in the way of signs or spiritual communication with her. I know that it would be difficult for her, and that it is going to be very rare if it does occur. I wonder if I'm just too dense and not spiritually enlightened to be able to "hear" her. 

It did make me feel better to have a "talk" with her, and I wonder how long it may have taken you all to be successful at what I find to be a challenge. 

James

1 minute ago, cinart said:

thank you all for responding to my letter. The support you all have given me has helped my day go a little better. Struggle with not only his death and my loneliness without him but also from the trauma that I experienced watching him be in so much pain as he became more and more the cancer and less himself. I could not  comfort  well enough and take any of the pain away. So helpless. he was 64 and before he became sick our relationship was the central piece my world was organized around. I left my job to take care of him and did not return after he died because I am not able to do that work right now.  nights are especially hard. It will soon be 3 months and it feels harder then when it first happened> Have any of you found that to be true as well?

 

Certainly. It actually was way easier to deal with in the first couple of months, because I was not only having to pack up and drive halfway across the country within a month and a half of losing her, but I originally was ...not happy, but relived that she was no longer in constant pain. She had been in the hospital for two weeks where I couldn't see her at all, and then they wanted to get her into a rehab facility- which she hated. It would have been at least another two weeks of not being able to see each other. She just didn't want to deal with it. The last time I took her to the doctor, she was so weak and in so much pain, it took a half hour just to go up an 8 foot ramp (from the car to the side door) She had so many health problems- there was always something new to contend with. She would just lay her head (siting in her wheelchair) on the bathroom doorjam and just cry that she couldn't do it anymore. She really got a raw deal, and I know your husband did to. It really makes me wonder how truly evil people in the world thrive and are healthy while beautiful fragile souls get taken away. 

I was her caregiver and worked because she couldn't work anymore, especially with COVID in the picture. Now, it hits me in month five that my life is so empty and without purpose without her. With everything going on, and my mental issues, I can't see myself working, but at the same time feeling like a bum for not working. I am lucky I have my family to live with, but living with my 84 year old Mom is not the same as living with my beautiful wife at all. I love my Mom, but we're not the same in a lot of ways. There's only so many "NCIS" reruns I can stand, and I hit my limit 3 months ago. 

1 hour ago, cinart said:

Hi This is Cinda. Lost my husband 2 months ago after a terrible war he had with multiple myeloma. I took care of him and was with him each day witnessing the disease take his body and then his mind before he died.  He and I had such a deep connection and were so much in love. Know he fought to beat the disease because of  wanting more of our life together. Imiss him so much Iache to my bones and find it difficult to find distraction. How do you begin to have better days? James I understand your experience and wish Had a way to help but Iam right there too. 

We're all helping each other right now. Just your reading and responding to a post I write helps tremendously. Maybe I will gain some deep wisdom somewhere along this grief journey, but right now I can't do much but say I'm sorry, and I know your husband is in a better place. People that suffer so much here on Earth, I believe, are rewarded in Heaven. Their pain is over and they are happy. I'm happy when Annette is happy, so maybe I haven't been so low because of that. I miss everything about her, but we always said "I'm ok if you're ok". I don't know how old your husband was, Annette was 49, but any death is too young if that love you have is still so strong. I miss her connection so much. I look for signs that she's still with me but don't feel her. That's the hard part- the loneliness. Lately, I have a better day after checking in to see how the good folks here are doing. 

23 minutes ago, razorclam said:

It's been 1.5 years since I lost my soul mate, and I think of him whenever my mind is not otherwise occupied (as in working, socializing, reading, etc.) I truly feel like nobody else in the world is mourning him as much as I am. His family members all have each other, with whom they work through their grief. I have had some infrequent contact with them, and I always feel better after that. But it does not appear that more regular communication with them is in the cards. Some of his (male) friends were in contact with me shortly after he died, but none of them responded to my follow-up emails. Like James, I feel that my friend should be remembered and memorialized. I expect to have a paper published soon, that will be dedicated to his memory. But as more time passes, it becomes harder (at least for someone in my situation) to memorialize him outside my own head.

Absolutely. It's so sad that, because of her being so self conscious about her low vision and her weight, she lost touch with so many friends. There's friends she used to have to live here (I assume they still do) that don't even know she's gone. I wouldn't have any right to pop up out of nowhere to lay that on them, not that it would make any difference. I visit her Dad every so often, and I think it really helps him, although he has an extended family (via a remarriage) and is busy with his church. It's the closest I can get to her, and I do feel peace there with him and her step-mother. It's funny how fast other so-called friends disappear after a month of mourning (well, they were just Facebook Friends, but still).

It's starting to get more sad and depressing to listen to her voicemails as time goes on.  They're like transmissions from a past life.

I miss that special unconditional love, that special "soul mate" friendship. It truly does suck to be alive without it.

Well, it was the Fall of 1988 and I was 18. I met Annette at my first job, Taco Bell. She was a Shift Leader. She was pretty intimidating, but I was immediately attracted to her. She would HATE this comparison, but if I had to compare her to a celebrity so you could understand what she looked like, the closest would be Natalie from The Facts Of Life, but from the later seasons where she was cooler, not so nerdy. She was a hard, competitive worker. I, of course, was beyond geeky, and had absolutely no "game" or any hope of a chance with her. She actually called me out of the blue after a few weeks (she looked in my employee file for my phone number) in the guise of being concerned about my job performance and that she wanted to help me be better. She told me later that she thought of me as "mysterious", because I was so quiet and that she thought I could be her "guru", that had some answers to the "Big Questions"! How wrong she was! (She actually was never wrong about anything ever- except that) She had a lot of issues with her upbringing and her parents were divorcing, so she was kind of lost.

Our first date was at the local one screen theater here in Hemet, California (the movie was the documentary "John Lennon: Imagine") She didn't really have any interest, but she humored me. (She was into the Hair Bands of the day, and I was in a retro Beatles phase, because music kinda got crappy in the late 80's) Well, it ultimately turned out to be a disaster, mostly because I was so socially awkward that I didn't even hold her hand, let alone try to kiss her. We did go out and hung out together at her place a few more times, but ultimately I was just too weird and she didn't understand what was wrong with her, as to why I didn't kiss her. We ended up breaking up and it took about two years to woo her back. I have a letter she wrote me during this time and its pretty scathing- I was just too hangdog for her. 

I was still working there (I actually got adept at being the Drive Thru guy- i was fast. I wanted to get people the hell out quick), so she get another job. It was very awkward. We had mutual friends and she was living with them (they still worked at Taco Bell). I would go over there to "hang out" and try to be with her, anything to be around her. I was obsessed. I just couldn't stop thinking of her. I knew she was my soul mate. I had no interest in anybody else. I wasn't anybody's idea of a catch then, I was super skinny and the only sport I've ever really played is bowling. I was relentless, kind of a stalker. Through this time she had many disappointments and challenges (she even attempted suicide at one point). Through all this she actually started to see that i really cared about her. She called me for comfort when she had a bad nightmare. At the time it seemed like I kind of wore her down, and we started to go out and do things together (her other friends were flaking out on her and she could count on me). I know that she really saw that I cared for her and would always be there for her. 

Thanks for letting me share. It makes me sad to relive, but happy too. It's really funny how we find our soul mate. I did NOT want a job, but it was suggested that I try Taco Bell by my Aunt. I just have easily could have picked any of many fast food places and would never have met her. 

13 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

It’s so hard learning to be your best friend when you’ve had that with our lost loves.  I agree on the years for purpose.  I’m still looking.  All the things that gave life purpose were shared with my partner.  It’s a double whammy, them and purpose gone are extremely overwhelming.  I know it’s made it hard to care much about myself beyond physical battles.

It's hard to just not have her around, with her funny little things she did, and her genuinely sweet nature. Nothing she did ever really annoyed me, where my family annoys the crap out of me sometimes. 

I miss being her caregiver, as stressful as that was. I don't even have our big beautiful yard to take care of.

I found out Annette's sister has COVID. She would be so worried and beside herself- I'm a little glad that she doesn't have to deal with the worry. She would be really upset.

26 minutes ago, Kieron said:

James, your handle on life broke off.  You're allowed to not have a handle on things right now.  (And I mean that in the nicest way possible!)

That's an excellent analogy. I was always a control freak. Honestly, I wasn't always the best at being in a equal partnership with my wife. I had to have things my way. She was very understanding, but I don't like to admit that I was so controlling. A lot of it I was doing because her health and taking care of her was so hard that other things that I could control, I did. Now I'm in a house where I feel like my geeky teen self again- I'm not in control of anything in my Mom's house. So, yeah, I'm really just barely holding my head above water.

Thank you Ann. I definitely understand your grieving. I also think of Annette when I get up and all through the day. I guess I think somehow I'm trying to distract myself from her memory. If I can kind of not think of her and focus on other things I can survive the day. I mean, I have her picture on my phone screensaver (and I switch them out all the time), and I have tried to think that I'm just on a long vacation and she's still at our home in Tulsa (I like with my family now, where I used to just visit every other year).

I guess my point of this thread is trying to live with a balance of living with memories and living with today, I try to (as the old Depeche Mode song says) "Get The Balance Right". I don't feel I'm doing that great, and I wish I had a better handle on it.

Annette has been gone over five months now. I miss her more than words can ever express. I'm at a point where thinking of her, remembering our life together, brings more sadness than happiness. I find it easier to try to not think of her, to get caught up in staying busy (I've been sorting through 6,000+ CD's, listing them on EBay). TV commercials or random songs will trigger memories (seeing a commercial for Humira, for example, makes me upset because her being on that for a decade led to her below knee amputation). I can smile and think of her for short periods and be okay, but to really remember her- the way she deserves- is just too hard right now.

She deserves to be remembered. Her memory needs to be celebrated. I feel like her family has already moved on. My room is a shrine to her right now- all her stuff that was important to her is represented, from her two prosthetics to her Chap Sticks. Consequently, I only really sleep in there.  It's not right. I feel like I'm the only one who even cares that she's gone. 

I'm just wondering how you balance remembering the good times with living in the now? Thanks.

James

Thanks!  The hard part is to figure out my new purpose. It's really daunting to even try to look people in the eye, let alone be social- and in a pandemic. 

I want to get a job again for her. It broke her heart that she couldn't work. She actually was let go from her last job because of her health problems -she had some low blood sugars there, plus if she didn't get good sleep (which was hard because of her pain) on her CPAP, she would not be up to work mentally. She tried so hard, and didn't want to be a burden, ever. 

I believe she's able to visit me and she what I'm up to. I need to be strong, in her memory and for her spirit. She lives in my heart and I will forever love her and know that she loves me. Death is not the end. She's free of the body she hated, that let her down. I will be good because she's good.

I started this thread to try to shed some of the overwhelming guilt I had for not taking better care of my wife. I felt like I could have made better decisions and there are so many regrets. Not only did she have severe Arthritis pain, a prosthetic leg and was legally blind, but she was also having hallucinations. I don't know if they were from the Prednisone or the Opioids or some other medication or from her sleep apnea problems, but they were really scary and I really sometimes wondered if she would be better off without all this suffering. I know now that I didn't cause her passing and it was an accident. I can live with that now, knowing that her suffering is over. I'm grateful that I was able to handle her passing and am able to help her sister and father through this as well. I guess I never knew what strength I had. I know that she is looking out for me now and that I am going to try my best to make her proud.

There are so many questions and "what if's" that haunt my wifes passing. I know that she would really just want me to stop thinking about it. It's very, very hard to stop thinking of it. She was always telling me to relax about "accidents", because I would always freak out about things falling or going wrong and she always had to calm me down, saying "They're accidents. That's why they call them accidents".

11 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

It’s too bad Mimi left.  I was struck by your post, Marg.  Calling it a love story is perfect.  I know that is what I had and lost.  All of us.  Sometimes, and I am very guilty of it, we try and try to describe it.  That helps handling the grief.  But the core is a lost love.  One that can’t be replaced in any way.  No disrespect to those that have found other companions like Kathy and KatPilot.  I loved how they said it us a 4 person relationship.  For those of us that will never find or want another spouse, it’s the daily challenge of acceptance.  That I feel every morning when the alarm goes off.  My body and mind do not want to face another day without him.  I’m so sad going thru this pandemic and historic election without him to talk to.  I don’t want to grow old alone.  These are beyond my control and that is something I hate.  No matter how many around us, if we were rich or anything people think help, like time, they don’t.  Not until they lose their love story.  I’ve seen those that have, but it wasn’t as deep.  They do adjust because not all relationships are as intense.  I saw it with my aunts and uncles.  They married because it was expected and what people did.  I never saw that flame between them.  It’s hard, but you can see it with some couples.  It’s impossible to hide.  It hurts to see.  I feel like I could tell the couples I see that would be devastated and those that would grieve a bit and carry on.  Some days I wish I were one of those p.  Then I think of the times they missed that we had and know I wouldn’t trade that for anything.  Now just to figure out how to keep living without it.

i know my mother had it with my biological father.  The man she married after she loved, but her heart stayed with my father.  I’ll be forever grateful to the man that stepped into his shoes tho, he was the best of fathers.  He knew he was 2nd, but he loved us.  I made sure he knew he meant the world to me before he passed.  Not everyone could live with a ghost in a woman’s heart.

So very poignant. I absolutely miss just telling Annette the stupid headlines off of Facebook and her getting a kick out of them. All of our little in-jokes are now like a dead language that nobody will hear anymore. I can't imagine not marrying somebody who wasn't your best friend. We never had children (she had menopause before I even met her, at 16), but that didn't matter. We joked we'd never want to pass on our bad DNA anyway. It took a lot of work to woo and win her (she really didn't like me after out initial break-up. I was socially awkward and I'm sure I have Asperger's, but it wasn't a thing then). I'm in no physical or mental state to ever do that again, but just not having that relationship ever again makes me just want to play in traffic. I could never commit suicide because I believe that would mean not going to Heaven. I just miss her sooooo much. Every day is like Sunday, y'know?

Yeah, that is going to take some work and self discipline (which I don't have- I drink caffeine before bed, for example).

Some days I just really miss her. I saved 60 voicemails of hers (she used to leave a message every hour- she would sing to me on them or just say what she was doing), and I have to parcel them out and savor them. I don't want to have them memorized anytime soon. I want to be surprised. 

It's amazing that it's only been about five months and it feels like it was another lifetime ago.  Sometimes I can't even quite remember her face (I mean I have her on my phone screensaver all the time- it's how she looked this year that gets hard to remember. Her looks through the years are all a jumble).