nashreed

It is very, very hard to get up the wherewithal to actually be productive. I'm telling myself that in January I will have to motivate myself to do something that will make her proud- whether it be getting a job or even just volunteering at my father-in-law's church. With the pandemic, the election and December (her birthday, our anniversary, Christmas  ), I can't face it before then. I want to get out and try to be social, but I am not even sure of my personality right now. Do I even have one without her?  She was everything good in my life, and everything I did that was good was for her. 

True- Often, a dream will begin with some stupid minutiae from the day, and go off somewhere from that. But I'm afraid I have somehow stopped being able to dream of a time when she was still alive- and this is very depressing. Before, I could at least have sleep to look forward to, where I could be in a world where (even if she wasn't in the dream) she was still alive. Now it seems the dreams have evolved to where I am aware of her loss, even if it's a freaking high school dream from before I knew her. If I could talk to her in my dreams it would be ok, but so far I haven't been able to.

I just hate being alive sometimes. I'm not trying to sound grim- it's just so unfair to still be living. It's like being in purgatory- maybe it is. I still have good deeds to do, I guess. Annette had secured her place in Heaven, and God knew that I could handle her loss, even though I hate it. I guess I'm stronger (maybe colder) than I thought. All the little things that distract me from my thoughts about her, also need to not distract me from what I still have to do on this earth. I still need to try to get my brother's soul in better shape (I promise I'm not trying to be religious, more spiritual). So, life is not forever, but love is and our spirits are. While in this limbo, I have to know that I still have a purpose. Annette watches over me and I try to make her proud.

I'm sorry Kay. I know what it's like. There are so many weird things that didn't make sense the night she passed. I just hope that she was asleep- that she didn't feel the chest compressions as I'm sure they must have cracked a rib or something.

I don't think that Annette gave up, so much as her body gave up. I know that she didn't have a fear of death. She knew where her soul was going. I wish I knew if she had felt that her time was coming. She never would have been able to tell me because she knew I would have freaked out.  I don't think she wanted to leave, but she was ok with it. She was in so much pain that I think that she just wanted it to be over- or I could be saying that to make myself feel better, but I know how she was. The last picture I took of her shows her to be just so sad and tired, no light in her eyes.  I feel so damn selfish because I felt some relief that my stress had eased. I feel guilt because I sleep so much better now. I used to constantly worry myself to sleep thinking that she could fall out of bed (she did a few times) or her CPAP got knocked over, all sorts of things. 

Again, I miss her so incredibly much. I ache for her. But she's not in pain. She's happy and I love her. Even though we're separated, I want what's best for her, always. 

5 hours ago, scba said:

I've mixed feelings about the subject of this thread. I've felt that death could ultimately be a good thing for my bf, who too had a chronic disease....But at the same time I feel it as to acknowledge that what happened was the only option for him. That there was never another possibility. Not healing. Just slipping and dying. I struggle with this concept 6 years later. What's the point of thinking of it now? I don't know. All I know is that I will coexist with survivor's contradictions for the rest of my life. 

I wish life had been better for her. She had so many just genetic strikes against her. I truly hope my love made her pain more bearable. I often think about what the months would have held in store if she was still here. I would still be freaked the freak out about her getting COVID. The Winter always made her ache because she was very sensitive to the cold (she would literally just park her wheelchair on the heater grate).

Thank God for music! It's really the only "positive" I have.  I love me some 80's music. It's literally the only thing that relaxes me. I can actually sit and focus on CD's (I have thousands) where I can't on anything else. I get very bored and restless with TV for the most part. The precious 90 minutes I get with my big stereo is the only thing I look forward to. Sometimes I hear songs that remind me of Annette and make me sad- I have to be careful. Right now I'm in a phase of avoiding music that she enjoyed. I can't face them right now. She had a Spotify playlist of her favorite songs that I promise her that I will play, but I just can't do it yet.

36 minutes ago, kayc said:

I pretty much adopted this philosophy when my George died...interestingly enough, I thought I had another 40 years of this, which may be spot on as my family lives well into their 90s and I was 52.

Gee- I'm so sorry. I truly hope I don't live a long life. I'm not eating that great these days, now that my wife isn't looking out for me and goading me into eating well.  Pearls Before Swine is so depressing these days. Where's the crocodiles?

4 hours ago, kayc said:

I'm glad you had that brief respite...it's common to feel disappointed when you wake up to this reality after experiencing being with them in your dreams.  Enjoy them fully when they occur!

Yeah, I think I may have opened Pandora's Box. Last night I dreamt that she was gone, just like in real life. I liked it better when my dreams were set in a time when she was at least still alive. Hopefully she can be more present in my dreams to balance it out.

4 hours ago, kayc said:

I was one of the lucky ones too.  I was married to a monster and barely escaped with my life.  Then I married a man who was controlling and cold, for 23 years, I lived a loveless lonely life.  After he left, I married George, and for the first time in my life, I experienced complete and reciprocal love, our communication was great, our connection amazing, and I knew this love to be rare.  Just 3 years 8 months later he suddenly died and life as we knew it was completely changed.

Somewhere out there, he still is.  He is not his physical body, I could see he was no longer there, he is the spirit that resided inside of that physical body, and he still exists.  Someday I'll be with him again.  Until then I cherish our connection that will always be, even if I can't reach him.  I'm growing old alone and when I have these struggles, I know he's cheering me on...

Wow Kay, I'm so sorry that it took so many years to find your soul mate. I was lucky that the first girl I ever dated was The One. I dated her a couple of months, she broke up with me, and I pursued (stalked a little  ) her for 2 years. We were finally together almost 30 years total. 3 and a half years- that's just so little time. I'm glad you made the most of it. I get down because I don't feel her connection, even though I know she's up there. It must be hard to connect with the living and a rarity to be able to do so, but I will be patient. I know I'll be with her forever, this is just a separation, like because of quarantine. I just have to work harder to keep our love alive.

1 hour ago, razorclam said:

I was never a caregiver, so I can't relate to all aspects of your situation. But I say no, it is not wrong to think this way. My friend, who managed his cancer with grace and courage, was not afraid to die, but he was afraid of pain, and the loss of cognition that would accompany the inevitable morphine drip. He contemplated assisted suicide, but his wife wouldn't hear of it. In the end he died instantly, of a heart attack, before reaching the end staging. As shattering as the loss was, its swiftness and (I was told) relative painlessness were one of the few comforting elements of his story. Your loving wife Annette was lucky to have you, and she is now at peace. May her memory be a blessing. 

Yes, being her caregiver was very hard.  Juggling her doctors appointments and trying to stay positive was my job, along with my working- even though I'm on disability.  It hurt her pride so badly that she couldn't work. She wanted to pull her own weight and it broke her heart. She had a lot of depression, along with the Type 1 Diabetes and Kidney Disease and everything else.  I only wanted her to be happy- always.  If she couldn't be happy in this life, I'm glad she's happy now.

My beloved wife, Annette, was really in a lot of pain before she passed. I remember that the last time she had to walk just a few feet across a ramp (from the house to the car) it was torture. She squeezed my hand for dear life and slowly inched across. She had severe Rheumatoid Arthritis and a myriad of other health problems. I had no idea how I was going to get her in better shape. Her doctor had her in a rehab facility after a hospital stay, but she hated it and wanted out immediately. After two weeks in the hospital (not able to see me because of COVID), she didn't want another two weeks or more in a rehab facility where they didn't even have her prescribed insulin. 

After a below knee amputation in 2014, she was wheelchair dependent (with the Arthritis and her weight, walking was a challenge), and so her strength was really compromised, making her dependent on me for a lot of things. She was also legally blind, and so she was very dependent on my eyes, and just lost the will to be social or go out much. When she was healthy, she was so independent (and really didn't ever want to marry- I wore her down). She also hated having to wear adult diapers, and so coupled with her poor eyesight, limited mobility and depending on me for everything (and being in constant pain), she was, honestly, not happy.

I struggle with this, and wonder if she was better off passing away. Nobody wants to die, but life was very, very hard, and I know now that she's in a better place, with no more pain.  Am I just trying to make myself feel better, or is there a point where it's more merciful for your loved one to be free of pain?  I actually am of the belief that God has a plan, and she told me that she believed she would not live a long life.  I ultimately just want her to be happy, and hope that she's happy now. But is it wrong to believe that it was a good thing? Obviously, it is horrible, and I miss her terribly- but I feel better than I would if it were a death from a horrible accident, if she had been healthy.

Just thoughts that I can't shake. Thanks for your time.

James

Oh Gwen, I totally relate. I don't have the pain (and I'm so sorry about that. My wife had almost constant pain and I know what it's like), but I have the long, lonely day thing going on big time. It was nice to have a long, lazy day with Annette, but without her it's just boring.  I could go for another pointless drive, but that's just depressing. I see how my hometown has so completely turned into a slum since I've been gone is hard.  Just yesterday a homeless guy was just laying on the sidewalk on the intersection to home. I guess I should be grateful I have my Mom and brother here- I could easily be homeless. I have my Mom, and I love her, but she's half deaf and (it's horrible to say) but I've heard all her stories. I never got bored with Annette. I could listen to her same stories all day.

Seeing pictures of Annette is starting to just make me sad more than anything. I have pictures up of when she was young because she didn't like to be photographed in the later years because of her weight. She was on Prednisone and, yeah... My memories of her are starting to jumble and it's like I'm in some time loop of past, present and no future all unstuck together. 

I too am starting the season of hell. I don't know how I'll make it through December. I will miss having Fall, as it was my favorite season. There isn't a Fall in California.  Nowhere to go, nowhere to be- I understand. 

Please know I understand and care. Post away!

I take comfort in little moments where a memory is triggered by a commercial or a song. I know that a lot of people never have true love, never find their soul mate. I am lucky. I always try to live imaging that she's looking down on me. I still want to make her proud.

I actually did pray for Annette to be able to visit in my dreams.

Last night, I had a dream that she was able to e-mail me from Heaven, and I could respond. I woke up, of course, sad that I couldn't really do that. I wonder what a dream interpreter would make of that. I vaguely remember another dream where she was a presence. So, I have hope. 

1 hour ago, Kieron said:

Day by day, hour by hour, it's about all you can do.  😕

I often think that if I had loved my wife more, I would have died when she did. I've heard that happens. Lucky people.

3 hours ago, kayc said:

I hope you read the article I posted for you, it might be something for you to explore.

Try not to put too much worth on your having dreams about someone else...all it tells me is you're not ready to accept being alone.  This is a lengthy process, so I hope you'll be patient with yourself no matter what you're going through!  Six months is one of the hardest times in our grief journey, as a lot of times support has dried up and reality has set in...give or take a month or two.

I found this on line, it seems to depict what many of us notice/feel about that six month time:

When I worked in hospice and was talking with loved ones after a death, I would offer that “the six month mark is when you may start to notice a shift in your grieving.” Typically this is because the memorial/funeral/celebration of life is over and most people have returned to their routines. All the paperwork and other “necessary” steps of dealing with death in our society have “resolved.” Friends and co-workers tend to be done asking “how are you doing?” fearing you may be truthful and say, “not well,” depending on the day, and then what are they supposed talk to you about? Then there are those people who want you to “be better already.” And others ignore you, their invitations, phone calls, texts, and emails drying up. Suddenly all that support you had early on is gone and the space you craved initially, feels as vast as a Siberian steppe. When you cry out, grief is all that rustles in the wind.

This is a generalization. Grieving is different for everyone. But it is a valid generalization based on my experience in deeply listening to those trying to understand their new life with grief in residence. It is why hospice organizations send a bereavement letter out at the six month anniversary date of a death. This lets the bereaved know grief is an ongoing journey and they are still being supported. Of course for those who don’t die on hospice, this day will go unmarked unless those grieving have the energy to notice.

Oh, people stopped caring about how I'm doing way before even 5 months. Not that I have many people in my life. I'm just getting through day by day.

12 hours ago, MartyT said:

James, I encourage you to read this article, "Am I Going Mad?" ~ Mystical Experiences in Grief, which includes the following:

In his book, Love Lives On: Learning from the Extraordinary Encounters of the Bereaved, grief expert Louis LaGrand encourages mourners to seek—actively and intentionally—what he calls an extraordinary encounter with the deceased loved one:
I tell every client who comes to me that there is nothing wrong with asking or praying for a sign that your loved one is okay. You will receive a sign when you need it most. Be patient. Persist. Be specific. Keep petitioning. Stay alert and increase your awareness of the coincidences, feelings, unusual happenings, intuitions, and good things that occur during your day. Give thanks when what you have prayed for arrives. Persistent prayer cannot be denied. In particular, ask your Higher Power to allow you to have a visitation dream. Many spiritual counselors believe that dreams are the easiest way for spirits to communicate with survivors (p. 119).

That is very interesting. 

I desperately want to see Annette in my dreams, but I feel like I don't want her to "get in trouble" if I pray for her to be able to appear. I KNOW that she is in Heaven- I have never had any doubt of that. I don't want God to think that I doubt. Her faith was much stronger than mine. She had no doubt about her afterlife. I would not want to rock the boat with my doubt, if that makes sense. It would be incredibly selfish. I know she's ok, and pain free. Wanting her to "visit" me is purely selfish and I just have to wrestle with if that's right to do that.

It's been almost 5 months since losing my beloved wife.  So, I have been struggling to even find a reason to get up every day. I find it very hard to find anything to look forward to. Nothing seems to matter without Annette.

I have a hard time watching shows that she enjoyed. It just doesn't seem right to enjoy her shows, so I tend to shy away from watching them. I can enjoy music that she didn't like, but find it difficult and sad to listen to artists she liked.  Finding a purpose, something to take pride in, is incredibly hard. There's just no motivation because I used to do everything for her. I took pride in maintaining our huge two lot yard. I don't have it anymore, as I had to move, so I don't even have that for exercise and purpose.

One thing I find I enjoy are treats and sweets- which are bad for me because I have Type 2 Diabetes. I have never been that into sugary stuff, but now I find they're inexpensive rewards- like Halloween donuts for example. I have to actually drive out of town to get to the different donut places, so I get out of the house too. It's bad for me, but it's a distraction.

How long did it take to get out of your grief and actually start to enjoy life?

2 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

This shows how different we all are.  No one wants to be alone, but I can’t fathom anyone but Steve.  He was two thirds of my life.  No one will ever know me even a smidge compared to that.  My definition of companionship has changed since I was younger too.  What fulfilled that then wouldn’t now.  

You never know.  By following your path and not forcing anything, you may run into someone who fills some of the need.  I have occasional contact with men that feels good, but I can’t see being a deep relationship.  One thing I would caution about is your vulnerability being so early into this.  It takes time to figure out, if we ever do, who we are and our needs now for a couple years from all I’ve seen.  That’s just my opinion,tho.

 I’m afraid there is no escaping the huge loneliness and longing.

Absolutely- that's why I said just a "part" of me. I know there's nobody that could ever even remotely come close to Annette.  It really is a "man" thing. I have been so used to having that companionship and being loved so unconditionally. I live with my Mom now, and I am being taken care of, but obviously it's not the same. It's probably because my Mom is very emotionally standoff-ish- no hugs.  And I feel like I'm taking all my anger and hurt out on her too.  I miss Annette so much.

Thank you. I appreciate that article.  It's just distressing that not only can I not have dreams of Annette, I have dreams where I'm with somebody else.

I almost feel like I didn't love her as much as I thought or something. How could she be so completely absent from my dreams? I imagine I think of her so much during the day, but I really need some connection to her. I feel like I'm losing her daily. I'm always looking for signs of her spirit, but I just end up feeling cold and alone.

On 10/8/2020 at 7:10 AM, kayc said:

Please don't sell yourself short.  I get the impression you're still young...I'm, on the other hand, in my 60s and what I'd look for in someone is different than what I would have looked for when I was young.  Looks definitely take a back seat, finances can be worked on, so can weight (I lost 65 lbs this year...Keto...and weigh less than I have since my early 20s!) but what I value is character, values, morals, someone who wants to SHARE in life, companionship, caring, sense of humor!  When I was young I picked all wrong, it was a miracle when George and I clicked so well!  I was so happy with him and losing him was a huge shock, hard to adjust to, it's taken me years but I'm in a better place now than when it first happened.  Be patient with yourself and do not sell yourself short!  I'm sure you have many good qualities, just need to recognize them!

I appreciate that. I'm 50, so I feel like my youth is far behind me. Part of me wants to try to find someone again, but the majority of me just thinks that would be cheating and that I should learn to be alone, after all this time where I had a love, all day every day. It's a big adjustment. 

Thanks. I hope I don't start having nightmares at the six month mark. Right now, I'm not having bad dreams really at all.  But I'm so sad that she's not in them, that they're dreams about times in my life before meeting her.  I do think about her all day long, so that must be why I don't need to dream of her.

I totally understand- it is better to have loved and lost than to not have loved at all. But, at the same time, it sometimes seems like it never happened. She was not only the love of my life but my best friend. Our love was also dependence and to not have any of it is so, so sad.  

I guess it's a "man" thing that I have been thinking of "I wonder if another relationship is possible" so soon. I absolutely know that it's crazy to even consider. Not only is it a bad time to search for love in a pandemic, but I have nothing to offer but credit card debt, medical bills and a fat gut. It's just that I miss having a partner, a team mate so much.  It's really hard to still feel her love, but I have voicemails and I see her love in nature and I hope she can see me down here because I have all her favorite things displayed in my room as a tribute to her.

It has been almost 5 months, and apart from a few fleeting glimpses (that I remember) and a couple of very short conversations, I have not dreamt of my beloved Annette at all. All my dreams are stupid things like high school and old jobs and who knows what. We were together every day for 30 years and now my stupid brain won't even give me the pleasure of her company in my dreams!  Is it because I am still in initial grief stages still? Can anybody help with how your timeline of dreaming compared? Literally, about the only thing I have to look forward to is going to bed and hoping that I can see her in my dreams and every morning I'm disappointed, Thanks for your replies! 

James

Wow. I am so sorry. That hit me really hard, because when my wife had the low blood sugar which led to her cardiac arrest, she also fell off her wheelchair. I honestly believe she hit her head, but I didn't see anything at the time and the EMT's were concerned with getting her blood sugar up and her heart going. I'll never know if she hurt her head. What a rollercoaster of relief and then tragedy for you.

I was forced to move back to my mother's- financially I had no choice. I had to pack up everything I could (including 6,000 CD's) and drive myself from our home in in Tulsa back to where we met in California. After almost 5 months, I still don't know what to do. I'm in a limbo of grief and ennui and I don't have anything motivating me. I'm not so much restless as just stuck.  Keep hope alive, Denra!