selena1988

13 hours ago, CommanderCody said:

I respect your opinion on this statement. I on the other hand looks at it from a different perspective, that she's genuinely caring for me -- she knows that she doesn't have much to offer right now and she can't meet my expectations that's why she did what she had to do -- break us up. To me that is a form of love, even though she doesn't want to do it ( she was crying when we had this break up discussion ) she had to let me go. You know the saying -- " if you love someone, let them go. If they come back it's meant to be. But if not, their love was never yours to begin with " It just sucks that life had to get in the middle of our way. 

I respect your opinion too, but after being married and having dated several men, I feel that I've started to see a pattern. Again, this is mainly my perspective, however after seeing a dating coach to learn about attachment types and personality types among other things, I've started to notice patterns that I didn't see previously. 

Let's take my latest ex for instance, a genius, I'm sure he'll achieve great things. Unfortunately, he was very inexperienced with relationships and love in general, so he left me because he didn't have enough to give. Sure, he may even feel that way, but I truly believe we change for the right person. 

Look, even at my boyfriend. Amazing guy with a few serious relationships in the past, still he never committed to change. Then he met me. For the first time, he wanted to make things work. Even when he was caring for his terminally ill mother he spoke with a therapist with me (online), because as he said; I never wanted to be with anyone more than I wanted to be with you. Although he loved his ex, he ended things with her when his mother had a relapse. 

As he said: if I was anyone of his exes he would have left, but I'm his future wife and he looks at the bigger picture. 

I've also left men behind because I felt the emotional work was too hard, but now, for the first time ever, I'm all in. I feel so safe and content with this man that I allow myself the space to work through things. 

Of course I know that not everyone has the capacity to do that, but honestly, neither one of us thought we did a few months ago either.

The past year and these last months in particular has changed my view on this. Only a year back I'd agree with you fully. 

On 12/4/2020 at 8:17 AM, CommanderCody said:

Hi @selena1988, 

I appreciate your thoughts on my situation. I'm glad to hear an opinion from another perspective. 

I agree with almost everything you have said, they make total sense -- from bringing their best selves to the table until to me being her safety net. But I'm believing that you might have taken a misconception about her accepting support. She recognizes my outmost support in her time of grief, even her sister was shocked when she found out recently that we've broken up because I was very supportive to them from the beginning but our relationship fell apart. 

I really agree with you on this statement. On the first few weeks when we've broken up, I kept constantly thinking about this. I've been asking myself that " it's only been 2 months since we've become a couple but this already happened to us. What more if we continued the relationship? " I'm not blaming the death of her father. I'm saying she really handles her own personal problems differently. But I get her point on why she chose to break us up it's because she doesn't want to be selfish and she can't meet my expectations at the moment. I also know people handle their problems or grief differently but I really wished that she didn't cut me out of it. I also wish she realizes by now that if I'm still supportive of her until now, what more if she didn't break us up? 

I know I deserve better than this. I don't really know why I'm still hoping there's a chance to fix this. The attraction is dead. The love we once shared is not there right now. But I still care and love her and I feel she still (care) does too. As day goes by, I'm slowly accepting the fact that sooner or later she may be out of my life and it's something that I should be brave enough to face to.

Hi,

Sorry for the bit delayed response from my end, just a lot going on.

Again, I feel with you and your ex. This is definetely a difficult situation to be in, and I believe that deep down you know what's right for you. 

My boyfriend lost his mother eight days back. He still talks with me at least two hours daily, we text, we leave voice mails, and he still keeps on bringing up how to take our relationship forward. He shared a message that he posted on social media with me to get my input first.

Is my boyfriend broken? Sure, he's heartbroken. His mother meant the world to him, but so do I. I believe that grief can either make your relationship grow stronger or break it. 

Sure, sometimes he feels flat, and we chat briefly, but the point is, he's mature, he's present, and although I wish he had the mental capacity to take on my grief too, I value how he always tries his best to include me in his. As I tell him "you've given me no reason to doubt you." 

If he acted like your ex did, I'd leave straight away. It took me years to understand this, but we deserve someone who sees the effort we make for them. My boyfriend thanks me every day for being there for him, that makes it easier for me to be there, and by extension, I want to help him even more.

Her exuce about being selfish is an easy way out, in my opinion. Does my boyfriend feel that he burdens me? Sure. But he also understands that supporting each other through everything is important if we're planning on forever. Allowing others to take part in one's grief is anything but selfish. However, your relationship is fresh, and perhaps she has some unresolved trust issues? My boyfriend knows I'm a grown up woman, and if things get too difficult,I'll tell him that. Whether it's too much to take on too much is my decision, the same way it should be yours. I understand that she's in no shape to have a relationship right now, and that's fair. However, I feel it's anything but selfish to ask someone to be by your side. His first words to me after his loss were; "I'll need you so much in the next week and months. "

Letting someone you care for go is always hard. Staying in touch with her and her friends makes it even harder. She has clearly shown that she's not capable to provide what you need right now. The next steps are up to you.

I recommend reading up on how to get over an ex. It will be hard, and it will take time, yet it will only get harder if you prolong it.

If I was with my ex, I'm sure he'd act similar to your ex, and initially I'd make exuces for him. It's human to want to do that. That said, I feel that you need to decide to give up all hope to be able to move on. Wish you the best whatever you decide to do.

5 hours ago, CommanderCody said:

based on your experience and all of the similar stories you encountered that I've been going through, even though she still wants to work it out and judging from the previous story I've shared, what's your estimate ratio on us making it work? 

Hi,

I'm not the person you asked, but I want to share my thoughts. Hopefully I don't come across as "hard" and/or judging by mentioning this... 

In my personal opinion; you should never stay with someone if you want them to change. What you see is normally what you get, and unfortunately it takes a lot of personal strength to try to change patterns. 

At the end of the day, you probably want to spend the rest of your life with this person. Sure, grief is extreme, but we all know life is full of bumps. I understand that it's hard to bring their best selves to the table, but honestly; there's no reason to treat anyone poorly. 

Chances are, this girl is likely to react the same time when another difficult situation happens. Are you okay to live with someone who shuts herself out and can't communicate through her bad times?

Also, you were only two months in when this incident happened. People often show theirselves from their best side during "the honeymoob phase." It's likely that you probably would have picked up on traits you didn't appreciate later on.

Regardless... it's difficult to be there for someone who can't accept support. You can only invest so much from your end without her cooperation. 

To me, it sounds like you're her safety net, and I'm sorry to be blunt, but you sound like a good and caring person who deserves to be treated with appreciation and kindness. 

On 12/1/2020 at 6:15 PM, kayc said:

I want to start by saying how sorry I am for your loss, and also how sorry I am that you find yourself in this situation.  This is a situation that is no one's fault, and it's more common than you'd realize.  I honestly wouldn't lay any demands or relationship talk while he is going through this or it could be the ending chink.  My fiance of a year broke up with me when his mom was dying, he was her caregiver 24/7 for a few months before she died.  It blindsided me.

http://www.griefhealingdiscussiongroups.com/index.php?/topic/5333-here-i-go-again/&page=1

 

 

Edited for privacy reasons 

Hi there, 

I've been reading on this board for a few months after my brother, however, as (probably) expected, no situation is very similar to mine. I'll try to explain my situation, and hope that some of you can chip in with advice.

This posts concerns my boyfriend that unfortunately lost his beautiful mother way too soon.

I find myself asking how should I care for him? Should I avoid all practical discussions for the next couple of weeks, months, how long? 

Edited for privacy concerns.