Kevinslove

Just passed Kevin's birthday and next month is the six year  make it still seems like yesterday  yet so long ago I  am not on here hardly anymore  this time of the year  draws me back every year because  it is the hardest and always  hits me , I want to welcome  all the new people  to the group no one wants to be apart  of,  this place  is such a big help people  on here genuinely  care and just get what your going through I lost Kevin  to a drug overdose  we were  together  26 years  and had 7 kids and grandkids,  have  had more grandkids  since he passed, to everyone  new to grief my heart goes out to you, I understand  the feeling  of loss , of hopelessness,  of not wanting  to go on, of missing  them until your body just aches, for those who didn't  get to say goodbye  I understand  he passed away while I was at work by the time I got to my house  he was gone, I wish I had  a way to take the pain away , I  can say you will never  forget  them they will always  be in your heart,  time just teaches you how to live with the loss and hopefully  find some joy in life even in the little  things, anyway me heart is with everyone  hug

As I sit here on my porch going through  old posts and songs I have  posted just brings back so much sadness,  it's so hard  to believe  it's been 5 years since my life forever  changed  that my tomorrow  changed, even though I have  come so far and there are days I don't  even think about loss days like today just totally  bring it all back, the emptiness  consumes me, though I know  I will make it through  as I always  do I just feel like today is a total  backwards day,  I see the paramedics telling me I am sorry mam he is gone, I can see him sitting  on the couch looking at me the morning  of his passing  but I said nothing because  I was so mad at him for using the night before,  I can see him running  around with my grandkids,  I feel so much regret today, so much that I  do now that I should  have  done when he was alive, even the new love I have  found will never fill this void , I come on here to share with people  so they can maybe see it gets alittle  less painful  with time and yet it sometimes  just pulls  me back to day one anyways know this is long am sorry just needed to free my mind today,  hugs to all in this journey  we never wanted  

I am so sorry for your loss, I lost my husband  of 26 years 5 years ago , we never made it to 45 years that is along time  alot of wonderful  memories  I am sure of, I was not able to say goodbye  to Kevin  he passed away from a drug overdose  when  I was at work, not that being able so say goodbye  makes it any easier in anyway  but I wish I had a chance  to say my final goodbye to say I love you and share his last moments  together,  I had 7 grandkids  when he passed  away  I now have 9 with two on the way they truly do give you a reason  to smile and keep going, , I  know that this road is along one full of sadness  and loneliness but know  that you are never  alone hugs

Dee P yes unfortunately  the pain is always  with us but I try to remember  that the love is always  with me to though I can't  hold or see Kevin's smile anymore  I know  that I was blessed to of had that love and I try to keep it in me even on the darkest  days, I was lucky to of been able to love again  but deep in my heart  I know  that the love I had with Kevin  will never  be the same  that I now share with someone  else even to this day Kevin  was my soulmate,  I didn't  want  to be here without  him not  even for a minute  but I knew  he tried so hard to keep  me safe when  he was alive that he would not want  me to be with him before  my time it is not an easy rode not one I wish for anyone  to be on but if I had to choose between  having  the love I had and feeling  loss now or never  knowing  that love I would choose  the loss everytime because  I was so blessed,  and not for this to sound wrong but I learned so much with the loss, I learned to never  take someone  I love for granted,  I learned to never hold onto  anger, I learned  to appreciate  so much more so even in his death Kevin  gave me a new life hugs to you , you are never  alone

I am so sorry for you loss,  you have  gotten  lots of good advice  already  not much more I can say except  I can relate I lost my husband  of 26 years to an overdose of fentanyl I unlike you knew  he was using I didn't  like it and it caused alot of problems  for us he also  had bipolar  disorder  but threw it all I stuck by him, swelling on what you felt or should have  done is truly hard I know  I dwelled on my guilt for along time if only I could  have  been tougher force him to stop to get help but unfortunately  would have  could have  should have  only make us feel worse and don't  bring our loved ones back, and yes it is so true no one who has  not lost there partner  to death will ever understand  how could they, I know  nothing I can way will take away your pain just know  that the pain does lighten it never goes away  but it lightens and know  you are never  alone hugs

I am so sorry for your loss you have gotten  such good advice on hear from everyone  not sure what else can say, except I understand  how you feel, the feeling of emptiness,  loneliness, of not wanting  to be here without them, of your whole life just crumbling,  I lost my Kevin 5 years ago from a drug overdose,  he had bipolar  disorder  and at least three times before the overdose  he had attempted  suicide though he did not succeed  it was very hard ,  it was very hard for me to think of a future,  I just took it one breath at a time my future did not exist  anymore  for me I  decided that I did not want to spend the remaining  years of my life in utter sadness,  and it was not easy but slowly  I started to smile again, I was able to find someone  to love again,   I still have rough days, days where I just want my past life back where I would give anything  to just hear Kevin's voice or see his face, everyone's journey is unique  to them and there is no right or wrong journey loss of a spouse  is so life changing,  just know  that you are never alone hugs 

I think most  days I am able to find that light even if just a small one I just try to remember  even for the loss I have  suffered I have  been blessed in so many ways I have  my health, my children,  my grandkids,  even just to wake up to me is a gift even if its lonely sometimes  because  there will come a time when I  to won't  have all of that hugs to all

I felt guilty  at the beginning  of my journey my Kevin  was addicted  to drugs he passed away from a fentanyl overdose,  I remember  one day going to work and just feeling  so exhausted  from dealing  with it that I said lord I can't  do this anymore  I just need this to stop a few months later  Kevin passed away I felt like god had answered  my prayer in a way I didn't  want ( I am not trying to offend anyone  I know  everyone  has different  beliefs) it took me forever  and Marty reminding  me that I didn't  have that much power  to just wish someone  away  I was just so exhausted  guilt  if a very powerful  emotion  on that can be very hard  to let go of

I don't  have  any mental disorders  but all if my children I think inherited  a form of a mental  disorder  from there father he had bipolar,  all of my kids either have bipolar,  anxiety or depression  some have PTSD from him passing  I have  noticed it worse sometimes  since his passing  with I was more help to you

I am so sorry I know  this is very hard I know  that feeling of just missing them so much your entire body just hurts, I am sure you did the best you could to care for him we almost all have  regrets things we wish we would have did or said more I would just talk to Kevin  outside  telling him everything  I wish I would have  said telling him what I was sorry for whether  he heard me or not I like to think so but it made me feel better I know  this road is hard and painful  my heart goes out to you hugs 

I am not offended  in anyway I am sure that quite a few people  feel exactly  like you I just choose to tell myself  that this is just the way it is now as much as I hate  it  my life will never be the same so I choose to look at it as my new normal it's just my personal  preference  so I guess I would like to apologize  to anyone  who that term might offend  I know that life before  their death was normal  and this new life can be full of emptiness,  loss, loneliness but for me I have  to try to find a light in this dark road for my kids, for my grandkids,  for my own personal  sanity I don't  want  to spend the last part of my life in utter despair and hopelessness it's not easy  but am trying very hard hugs to all

Very true the it's like your brain  goes into overdrive  thinking  of the day coming knowing it a day that just really sucks, then it takes a few days to get back to what is your new normal  hugs to all

Well I made it through  another anniversary  I never wanted  it just never gets easier  to deal with today time to go to sleep shut down my brain and get up and face and start to survive another year  hugs to all

I totally  agree the anger you feel when you love on is taken from you never seems to go away 

It can be very hard  to find our purpose  in this new life without  them and living without  them can just be unbearable at times, everybody's  journey  is unique  to them I just made up my mind one day that I  was gonna  try to start to find some joy in life even the little  things and it was not easy not that it makes a difference  but I also  become a widow at a young age I was only 46 anyways I hope you are able to find some joy in life at some point  even in the smallest  things

It was not easy to find the joy in life it took a very long time to get to that point , there are days especially  like today that the joy just doesn't  seem so clear 

I know  the whole before  and since sometimes just feels so hard the before sometimes is starting to feel like a dream to me at times yet I know  it was once was so real,  I can barely  remember  the sound of his voice anymore,  and sometimes  I have  to think real hard to remember  his face other times it just rushes in my head, sometimes  I just long for the before I want  know part of the since, then the since brings happy times and sad times Joy's of my grandchildren, of looking at my children  and seeing their father in them especially  my boys, Joy's of just being thankful  for being alive, of being able to start to love again but the then the since brings heartbreak leaves a whole that will never go away , makes me face my own mortality  life will never be the same 

It's been five years since I heard those words  " I am sorry mam he didn't  make it " that day changed me forever,  it feels like yesterday  and a lifetime  all in one.  Though I have come along way in my grief journey and I have learned to live with this pain  it is always worse today the day my whole life as I knew  it got ripped  away , I MISS YOU KEVIN  , I miss your unconditional  love, I miss my partner,  I miss the only other person  who will ever love our children unconditionally,  we are having more grandbabies  that you will never know,  though I have learned to live life again the best I can, though I can smile now and shed tears there will always  be piece of me gone up there wherever  you are a piece  I wish never left I will ALWAYS  Love you and Always  miss you 

I am so sorry for you loss I lost my husband  of 26 years  5 years ago today and the loss I felt was beyond words,  could not eat could not sleep could not find a reason to go on or smile, my entire world as I knew  it had come to and end and I wanted no part of my new world, so I understand  your loss, this site is an amazing  site full of people  who truly do understand and are their to help you even if just to listen,  try to just take baby steps to just take one moment  at a time, grief  will come in waves and  sometimes  you will feel like you are drowning, in time the waves hit less  I wish there was a way to stop the pain but with great love comes great pain keep posting and know  you are never alone, Hugs