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Everything posted by Kevinslove

  1. As I sit here on my porch going through old posts and songs I have posted just brings back so much sadness, it's so hard to believe it's been 5 years since my life forever changed that my tomorrow changed, even though I have come so far and there are days I don't even think about loss days like today just totally bring it all back, the emptiness consumes me, though I know I will make it through as I always do I just feel like today is a total backwards day, I see the paramedics telling me I am sorry mam he is gone, I can see him sitting on the couch looking at me the morning of his passing but I said nothing because I was so mad at him for using the night before, I can see him running around with my grandkids, I feel so much regret today, so much that I do now that I should have done when he was alive, even the new love I have found will never fill this void , I come on here to share with people so they can maybe see it gets alittle less painful with time and yet it sometimes just pulls me back to day one anyways know this is long am sorry just needed to free my mind today, hugs to all in this journey we never wanted
  2. I am so sorry for your loss, I lost my husband of 26 years 5 years ago , we never made it to 45 years that is along time alot of wonderful memories I am sure of, I was not able to say goodbye to Kevin he passed away from a drug overdose when I was at work, not that being able so say goodbye makes it any easier in anyway but I wish I had a chance to say my final goodbye to say I love you and share his last moments together, I had 7 grandkids when he passed away I now have 9 with two on the way they truly do give you a reason to smile and keep going, , I know that this road is along one full of sadness and loneliness but know that you are never alone hugs
  3. Dee P yes unfortunately the pain is always with us but I try to remember that the love is always with me to though I can't hold or see Kevin's smile anymore I know that I was blessed to of had that love and I try to keep it in me even on the darkest days, I was lucky to of been able to love again but deep in my heart I know that the love I had with Kevin will never be the same that I now share with someone else even to this day Kevin was my soulmate, I didn't want to be here without him not even for a minute but I knew he tried so hard to keep me safe when he was alive that he would not want me to be with him before my time it is not an easy rode not one I wish for anyone to be on but if I had to choose between having the love I had and feeling loss now or never knowing that love I would choose the loss everytime because I was so blessed, and not for this to sound wrong but I learned so much with the loss, I learned to never take someone I love for granted, I learned to never hold onto anger, I learned to appreciate so much more so even in his death Kevin gave me a new life hugs to you , you are never alone
  4. I am so sorry for you loss, you have gotten lots of good advice already not much more I can say except I can relate I lost my husband of 26 years to an overdose of fentanyl I unlike you knew he was using I didn't like it and it caused alot of problems for us he also had bipolar disorder but threw it all I stuck by him, swelling on what you felt or should have done is truly hard I know I dwelled on my guilt for along time if only I could have been tougher force him to stop to get help but unfortunately would have could have should have only make us feel worse and don't bring our loved ones back, and yes it is so true no one who has not lost there partner to death will ever understand how could they, I know nothing I can way will take away your pain just know that the pain does lighten it never goes away but it lightens and know you are never alone hugs
  5. I am so sorry for your loss you have gotten such good advice on hear from everyone not sure what else can say, except I understand how you feel, the feeling of emptiness, loneliness, of not wanting to be here without them, of your whole life just crumbling, I lost my Kevin 5 years ago from a drug overdose, he had bipolar disorder and at least three times before the overdose he had attempted suicide though he did not succeed it was very hard , it was very hard for me to think of a future, I just took it one breath at a time my future did not exist anymore for me I decided that I did not want to spend the remaining years of my life in utter sadness, and it was not easy but slowly I started to smile again, I was able to find someone to love again, I still have rough days, days where I just want my past life back where I would give anything to just hear Kevin's voice or see his face, everyone's journey is unique to them and there is no right or wrong journey loss of a spouse is so life changing, just know that you are never alone hugs
  6. I think most days I am able to find that light even if just a small one I just try to remember even for the loss I have suffered I have been blessed in so many ways I have my health, my children, my grandkids, even just to wake up to me is a gift even if its lonely sometimes because there will come a time when I to won't have all of that hugs to all
  7. I felt guilty at the beginning of my journey my Kevin was addicted to drugs he passed away from a fentanyl overdose, I remember one day going to work and just feeling so exhausted from dealing with it that I said lord I can't do this anymore I just need this to stop a few months later Kevin passed away I felt like god had answered my prayer in a way I didn't want ( I am not trying to offend anyone I know everyone has different beliefs) it took me forever and Marty reminding me that I didn't have that much power to just wish someone away I was just so exhausted guilt if a very powerful emotion on that can be very hard to let go of
  8. I don't have any mental disorders but all if my children I think inherited a form of a mental disorder from there father he had bipolar, all of my kids either have bipolar, anxiety or depression some have PTSD from him passing I have noticed it worse sometimes since his passing with I was more help to you
  9. I am so sorry I know this is very hard I know that feeling of just missing them so much your entire body just hurts, I am sure you did the best you could to care for him we almost all have regrets things we wish we would have did or said more I would just talk to Kevin outside telling him everything I wish I would have said telling him what I was sorry for whether he heard me or not I like to think so but it made me feel better I know this road is hard and painful my heart goes out to you hugs
  10. I am not offended in anyway I am sure that quite a few people feel exactly like you I just choose to tell myself that this is just the way it is now as much as I hate it my life will never be the same so I choose to look at it as my new normal it's just my personal preference so I guess I would like to apologize to anyone who that term might offend I know that life before their death was normal and this new life can be full of emptiness, loss, loneliness but for me I have to try to find a light in this dark road for my kids, for my grandkids, for my own personal sanity I don't want to spend the last part of my life in utter despair and hopelessness it's not easy but am trying very hard hugs to all
  11. Very true the it's like your brain goes into overdrive thinking of the day coming knowing it a day that just really sucks, then it takes a few days to get back to what is your new normal hugs to all
  12. Well I made it through another anniversary I never wanted it just never gets easier to deal with today time to go to sleep shut down my brain and get up and face and start to survive another year hugs to all
  13. I totally agree the anger you feel when you love on is taken from you never seems to go away
  14. It can be very hard to find our purpose in this new life without them and living without them can just be unbearable at times, everybody's journey is unique to them I just made up my mind one day that I was gonna try to start to find some joy in life even the little things and it was not easy not that it makes a difference but I also become a widow at a young age I was only 46 anyways I hope you are able to find some joy in life at some point even in the smallest things
  15. It was not easy to find the joy in life it took a very long time to get to that point , there are days especially like today that the joy just doesn't seem so clear
  16. I know the whole before and since sometimes just feels so hard the before sometimes is starting to feel like a dream to me at times yet I know it was once was so real, I can barely remember the sound of his voice anymore, and sometimes I have to think real hard to remember his face other times it just rushes in my head, sometimes I just long for the before I want know part of the since, then the since brings happy times and sad times Joy's of my grandchildren, of looking at my children and seeing their father in them especially my boys, Joy's of just being thankful for being alive, of being able to start to love again but the then the since brings heartbreak leaves a whole that will never go away , makes me face my own mortality life will never be the same
  17. It's been five years since I heard those words " I am sorry mam he didn't make it " that day changed me forever, it feels like yesterday and a lifetime all in one. Though I have come along way in my grief journey and I have learned to live with this pain it is always worse today the day my whole life as I knew it got ripped away , I MISS YOU KEVIN , I miss your unconditional love, I miss my partner, I miss the only other person who will ever love our children unconditionally, we are having more grandbabies that you will never know, though I have learned to live life again the best I can, though I can smile now and shed tears there will always be piece of me gone up there wherever you are a piece I wish never left I will ALWAYS Love you and Always miss you
  18. I am so sorry for you loss I lost my husband of 26 years 5 years ago today and the loss I felt was beyond words, could not eat could not sleep could not find a reason to go on or smile, my entire world as I knew it had come to and end and I wanted no part of my new world, so I understand your loss, this site is an amazing site full of people who truly do understand and are their to help you even if just to listen, try to just take baby steps to just take one moment at a time, grief will come in waves and sometimes you will feel like you are drowning, in time the waves hit less I wish there was a way to stop the pain but with great love comes great pain keep posting and know you are never alone, Hugs
  19. I want you to know how sorry I am for your loss and I lost my husband of 26 years almost 5 years ago and I know the pain I would suggest taking one breath at a time if you have to I know it will come in waves but there is a point where the waves become smaller less frequent I am so sorry for your loss and know you are not alone . Hugs
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