Ztyu123

12/16
It was on August, 20, 2021..

The pain doesn't ever stop for me
The tears haven't either, just multiply everyday just like the meltdowns 
The guilt doesn't stop
The wishing you were here, but glad that you're not because you were very ill and suffering.  You suffered.
That guilt has me very confused and its conflicting.
The should of's,  could of's,  would of's,  the ifs, the why's,  preoccupy my mind 24/7.
I cry when I'm awake, I cry in my sleep, I wake up crying, go to bed crying, I cry when I have to go out (rarely ever). 

I have no joy (not that I had much to begin with
My physical appearance has deteriorated and I've aged physically and put on weight and it shows.

I don't care about anything anymore.....

Just how much longer I have to wait until death.. 
The only thing that I wish  upon  stars for.

I hope that you're happy and at peace 
Wherever you are

I miss you tremendously 
 

I feel soo foolish and even more depressed than ever to know that I just brought you  presents that will never be enjoyed by you. .

I feel foolish for still having your untouched bed, toys, coats, blankets, etc... still realizing that no matter how hard I wish, hope and pray that you'll never use those things again. 

I just feel foolish because my heart feels tricked. It's a nightmare that I can never wake up from. 

I just want to be wherever you are now..

I barely ever leave my house now and I had to get a package from outside.  I was unaware that one of my neighbors were out there, and before I could run in the house they stopped me.
They asked about you.
I don't like telling people that maybe you're that "G" word...
They never understand.
They just never get it.

I tell him.
He goes,
"I'm sorry"
"You should get "another" "one""
"I bet you are missing those walks."

I run back in the house,
and what's left on me
Bursts into more pieces 
The tears. The agony. The pain. 
Are the only things that are alive 
Inside and out of me.

I just miss you. That's all.
Only you.

I miss you 
I hope you are happy, loved further and still now.
 

I wonder how many meltdowns and explosions I have left to experience and inside of me. 

I've had countless since you've........

Just like the one now that I'm having

11:PM 
Tears streaming
Nose stopped up
Looking at your bed in our room
Wondering if it's truly empty
With my head on your pillow filled with your toys
On the night before Thanksgiving 
As I listen to my neighbors celebrate life and each other with a house full of light and people 
As I sit in the dark
Empty

I was supposed to get that old farmhouse or country house for mainly you with enough land and acres to explore and endless adventures. You wouldn't have had to remain indoors most of the time or at all like you hated. We were supposed  to stare up at the open sky every night from outside on our porch at night with the twinkling stars inviting us in for an escape and to comfort us. ..together...forever...

It was supposed to be you and I at the end, together until the end of time. We weren't supposed to be separated.

You reached the end without me
I reached an endless time
It just stands still
Without you 

I am supposed to be with you,

Just not in this way.
Just not in this way.

Why couldn't I save you??

How many times did I make you feel unloved, unprotected, unsafe,  not cared for, restricted??

How many times did I show you impatience, yell, become short fused, push you away, told you no, made you feel guilty,  broke promises, didn't give you enough freedom, couldn't give you a better life??

I wish I could have given you a better life. 
I wish I could have saved you 
I wish that I could have
I'm soo sorry I was terrible and everything is all my fault
My tears say plenty. 

Before I break and set today's daily record of tears spilled....

What can I say?
I hope that there's another side 
Where you and I will be reunited 
Again...
Forever this time..

Because the longing, heaviness, and feigning 
In my empty arms

Itching to hold you
Is overwhelming and 
Overpowering.

I miss you with everything that I've lost and the fragments of me left.

I wish that people could recognize you as an irreplaceable loved one, that can never be replaced. 

I'm  tired of people asking me or telling me to get "another one".
There was only one you.
 
I wish society treated you better
And didn't place such harsh labels and rules on you

I wish that I could have saved you.
From everything..
Including myself 

Everyday is still truly a nightmare that I can't find a way out to escape.

I wake up often to burst into tears.
I still burst into tears often. 

Another first without you coming up...

Thanksgiving. 
Wish it was over and done with.
Wish that it was all over

Still I miss you dearly,

Ps, I still want to die  to perhaps be with you, I'll die trying..anyways

How will you manage without them 
During?

How do you manage at all?

Everday it gets harder than the previous
Everyday it hurts to carry grief

It still hurts
And
I miss you always 

My body is just going through the motions of life
My heart and my mind
Is still stuck on you
I don't want to be here without you
You were my only happiness in life.
Life will never be close to okay without you
Multiple times a day I just break further down and cry
I don't know what to do with myself. 
Everyday without you is a nightmare 
I miss you soo much

I don't know what to do anymore or what to make out of what's left of me..

That creation won't be attractive 

I'm the lowest I've ever been considering I've  never been high.

Everything has always gone wrong in my life, you were the only thing right in mine.
Everything is going haywire
I'm unhinged
Deeply depressed 
Full of a never ending pain

Ever
since 
"It" happened 
 I didnt save you
Keeps repeating over and over again in my head. 
I don't want to admit that I couldn't. 

I miss you
If tears could bring me to you now I'd never stop crying

I busy my mind to reroute and distract my tears. In case I'll ever need my eyes to pick up the fallen pieces.

I can't stop 
Missing you
Thinking about you
Wishing we were
Still creating memories 
Together
And not 
Apart.

I've stopped the count, honestly all days blend and bleed into one another.  I just know that my heart's still constantly being poured with overflowing pain.  It has become a lifetime ago.. A lifetime ago  cardboard boxes became rocketships and tiny homes,  snowglobes became reality,  logistics never spoke, and the heart could care less about rationality. 
I wished I still lived in that impenetrable, inescapable snowglobe with you and the others.

Forever wasn't supposed to shatter.

It's  been 52 days. It's been 1,248 hours since you've been the "G" word. 
It's been 52 days. It's been 1,248 hours and since then:
I've tried not to say your name for 52 days, 1,248 hours 
I've cried 52 days, 1,248 hours
I've haven't bathed for 52 days, 1,248 hours.
I've run away for 52 days, 1,248 hours.
I've been numb, lifeless, motionless,  for 52 days, 1,248 hours.
I will remain breathless 
Without you always.
I miss you soo soo much.

Today was the first time that I've ordered groceries without your presence..it wasn't a great experience. 
I feel like I am a ticking timebomb that only you can dismantle 
I honestly lived to be in your presence. I have nothing now. I am nothing 

Every second,  every day, every minute. You're on my mind, you're in my heart. I'm soo numb, and lost without you. I have zero direction or motivation. I don't know what to do without you.  I'm sorry for not being able to cry all of the time like I used to..its not because I don't love you anymore (always have and always will) I'm  just numb and have grown emotionless and cold. I want to cry and breakdown often, but I can't sometimes and I hate it. I hate it. Wish you could have stayed longer, or I could go with you now or know for sure what to pack wherever u are.
This is torture and the worst pain that I've ever experienced..I hope that it's still not for you. I hope that you are happy and loved still..wherever you are. If you're still hanging around here because of my unhappiness, I will fake being happy just so that u can go on to the next phase. I love you . I miss you..  always thinking of you

If you have to refer to another being with the breath of life as a "pet" or "animal". You can't begin to understand my pain

I couldn't save you,
Now 
I can't see
Nor 
Save myself. 

You deserved better than someone pathetic like me
You deserved better in life.
I'm sorry that I couldn't give it to you in life
Maybe I can make it up to you
Really soon 
In the aftermath 

I'm not doing well or close to it

I miss you every second with everything in me

My arms miss you .....with absence and space 
My face misses you ....with tears.
My heart misses you...with emptiness. 
I hated cleaning today, I will never erase you 
I hate not crying automatically anymore,  because  I feel like my heart has betrayed the both of us.

I honestly don't want to live.
I will never be happy without you.  
There's nothing to discuss with a therapist,  nor do I need one.
Theres nothing wrong with trying to achieve a hopeful happiness , and state of mind, 
Please don't post hotlines 
I'm not suicidal 
I'm trying to live
Life isn't achievable here.

I just can't crying constantly or I can't stop loving you or thinking about you constantly. Your death has changed me in terrible, soul numbing, non caring ways. If I were sure we'd be together forever in wherever you are now, I would go in a heartbeat now.

Tired of people insisting that you're in a better place and no longer suffering.  They have no proof. But maybe you aren't anywhere better but worse,  maybe you are still suffering somehow. I don't have faith, I have tears.

Your death is the bitterest pill to swallow that I keep regurgitating

No one understands my grief  but me