V. R.

Here I am again, already up after just a few hours' sleep. (and I'm lucky if it's a few). Yes kayc, just like Gwen says I live in Italy (South) and have been here since 1993. Before that I lived in London-G. B. where I grew up - was born there. This is a beautiful country and over the years, thanks to my husband we have visited so many fantastic places and now I know this country much better than I ever knew England. I also feel now more Italian than British but I think that's normal. I got married and have created a family here even though now the person who helped me make this happen is gone. Oh, it just can't be possible, I continue saying to myself. My husband was the only one whom I really ever loved in my life and who ever loved me. We had really become 1 person. We shared everything together, oh we did have our bad moments, a time when it seemed that we were on the verge of separating but there was that 'special something' that kept us tied together because we were a whole entity, impossible to break up no matter what. I get so angry at times, especially when I'm alone in the car, for example, while I am driving into town, I suddenly start shouting to myself and'making strange noises' with my voice. Am I going crazy? Talking about cars I can honestly say that my love was the engine of the family. If you take away the engine from a car, can the car still go on? I had to pause for a bit, bacause I was starting to break down. You know I used to call my husband, teasingly, a walking enciclopedia. He could have a discussion with you about every single topic you can think of in the world. I really learned so much from him and I am grateful (in this deep sorrow I am going through) that he came into my life. To think that when we first met all the girls in town were after him (very handsome, charming and a gentleman), I didn't think he'd even look at me! Getting back to the 'music' discussion, in this period of deep suffering, I have discovered the beautiful, incredible voice of Lady Gaga (normally, not my type of music), but her song: I'll never love again- just says it all. I have now learned how to sing and play it on my electronic piano even though some days I just can't!!! I don't know why but the 'real' piano we have has become unbearable for me to use. Maybe because we had bought it together for our 25th anniversary? Oh, and another thing I haven't been able to do is to go inside his (our) car, I have to ask my daughter to turn on the engine every now and then so as not to let the battery go flat. I should sell it but it would seem like 'letting him go' even more,because that car is part of him. Oh, how I miss you, my love, my best friend, my lover, my everything. 💔

A huge thank you for all your replies. You are really all making me feel at home and I appreciate this so much. Considering also that we are 'oceans apart', in fact here now it's early morning. There is no need to apologize, kayc and Dee. Your replies were all very comforting to me. Gwen, I am so sorry to hear you have health problems at the moment, don't worry, I'm sure everything will work out. Like Marg. M says, this is a good place to pour your heart outand everyone listens. (sorry to hear about that episode about the pills, Marg, just forget about it now. We all have our strange thoughts at times, it's natural in this period). Yes, Marg I am reading the past posts to get to know you all and I don't consider any of them 'nonsensical', not at all, they are all precious for me. Ruby, it pleases me to hear you also have a passion for music. I now consider it MUSIC THERAPY (a bit like pet therapy). Thank you also to Keiron for your warm welcome and I want to say to Nashreed YES, we are all 'out there' for each other. And now, back to another endless day to get through, and keep on asking WHY WHY WHY????

My friends, I am so touched by your posts. I really do wish you all lots of comfort from sharing our grief together. You know, when my mum asked me how I was feeling a few days after that 'day' I just said: I am a half-person now. Just like Gwenivere says, my husband was a part of me. We were 'one'. Nashreed, I used to watch 'The Incredible Hulk' every Saturday in the 80s when I lived in U. K. and I'm really sorry you feel like David Banner. At this stage I don't know who I could compare myself to. I don't even feel like a human being anymore. I'm just a body who moves, breathes and does things automatically just like a robot. I've been drained! I'm writing this post from our "music room". We had started learning how to play the piano together, my husbandwas much better than me.! For the first 6 months I couldn't set foot in this room on my own without him,but now I come here every day for a couple of hours and it seems as if I'm with him and we are playing and singing together. I will probably call it my comfort room now. But I can't play the songs and music we learned together. I just break down if I do That. I have to play different songs that we didn't do together. In the same way I can't cook all the special dishes he loved. It wouldn't be fair on him. I have given up Sunday lunches, cakes for special occasions, etc etc. Everyday is the same for me.. All the best. V. R.

Thank you for your messages. I am really starting to believe that it's healing sharing one's grief with others by writing down our thoughts and experiences even if we don't know each other. I have so much inside me that at times I feel I'm going to burst, like a balloon. I just can't let it all out, at least not yet. How can I if I still don't accept what has happened? We had celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary that year, and the irony of it all is that my love was suddenly torn away from me by a heart attack exactly 26 years after we had first met(the same month and almostthe same day). He is always on my mind, every single moment of the day. Each day I get up and I hope that the day will pass quickly because for me this period I am living now is just "useless" without him. I manage to get by thanks to my son and daughter who live with me, otherwise there would be no sense for me to get out of bed in the morning. I'm sorry if I have been a bit gloomy but I am just unable to come to terms with my loss right now. I go about my day as if my husband is still here. I continously ask what he thinks about a certain something or in other cases I say: well, what would he do/say in this situation? Or maybe: yes, that's right, your dad would approve, he would say... Or he would do.... He used to make all the important decisions in the family and I can honestly say that in all these years he Never made a wrong one. In fact a friend of his called him Mr Wolf (the problem-solver in the film: Reservoir dogs). I manage to go on also thanks to his knowledge, wisdom and reason which he has passed on to me and my kids. I owe so much to him. He taught me so much about life, people and everything. Thank you for sharing. V. R.

Hello everybody. I'm new here so I have chosen this topic to introduce myself. I lost my soul-mate just over a year ago even if for me it seems that not even 1 day has passed. I don't know if anyone has experienced this feeling of "time being stopped" but this is exactly what has happened to me. Everything around me seems strange and unfamiliar (odd - just like Ruby said in another topic). I look forward to sharing my thoughts with you. V. R.