V. R.

On 8/23/2022 at 7:19 PM, nashreed said:

WHY did I not feel her leave this earth at 2:28am? Why did she not come to me and say goodbye then? Why did I still have hope for a good outcome? Did I not have enough of a connection with her, even though we loved each other so much? It just really bothers me still. I just don't know why I didn't know. I have read so many anecdotes

On 8/23/2022 at 7:19 PM, nashreed said:

Why did I still have hope for a good outcome? Did I not have enough of a connection with her, even though we loved each

I don't know how many times I have asked myself the same question. Why didn't I KNOW he was having a heart attack? Where was that BOND, at that particular moment? Who or What blanked my mind and didn't think the worst, when I usually do! Why is it that when you are anxious about a certain symptom someone may have, it always turns out to be nothing at all? Then when you're not particularly worried, the outcome is actually serious? Is there really an evil force out there somewhere, or just a little 'gremlin' behind our shoulder waiting to play dirty tricks on us? Yes ok, I am deeply grateful for all the good things that happen to us during our lives, and yes let's thank God or whoever, but why spoil them? Why take our soulmates away from us so soon, when we have devoted our whole lives to them and now we're left 'lingering', not knowing what to do with ourselves, or who we are? We have been forced against our will to literally go through an 'identity transformation'. If you take off all the petals off a beautiful sunflower, what will happen to it? Will it live? Sorry if I'm going on a bit, I sometimes just need to 'scream'. 

You're right about vinyl needing a top stereo to hear it properly and appreciate it completely. In fact, I had just a simple panasonic when I lived in London, but when I heard the same music on my husband'stereo here, well, there's no comparison! . I noticed also that listening to the same song firstly on vinyl, and after on a CD, I could hear every single instrument individually on the vinyl but not so  on the CD, the music of some of the instruments on the CD seemed to be too 'covered' up by the others. Records wear out though too, get dusty and scratched, they are not eternal unfortunately. My husband had a great passion for good Hi Fi stuff, I remember we traveled miles once to buy a new set of 'good' speakers and a new turntable, so difficult to find. It's a shame they've stopped putting CD players in  cars, there's just the radio and a  USB pen slot, now!

Nashreed, Sheemie, I see we share a passion for good music. CDs didn't  last long though, did they? Soon replaced by ipods and other new technology. Nothing beats the level of music that came out of our good old vinyl LPS, don't you agree? What about the 45rpm single records? In my teens, I used to buy one almost every week, would go to my local record shop and ask for the No. 1 hit. I still have my husband's stereo equipment and professional loud speakers, turntable, the whole set. I'll never be able to use it without him. I now prefer just to keep practicing my piano playing, like we had been doing together for some time.,singing and playing, which helps release all that pain I have inside me. It's a good way of venting for me right now. 

8 hours ago, Boho-Soul said:

Thx for the info about Twin Peaks. Never watched Lost, couldn’t get into it. I did hear the end was a fail. Mad Men was similar, the initial story was so mysterious, the whole series covered the 60’s decade, but the last season seemed off, and the last episode was a big let down given the entire series storyline. 

I was quite impressed by Mad Men, because it was different to any others, original unique storyline, the setting was interesting too. It opened my eyes to the world of 'advertising', something I'd always just taken for granted, never really thought about much. It was also strange seeing the actress who played Peggy in a completely different role, after seeing her in The Handmaid's Tale, a little distressing to watch at times, but very well directed and produced. 

The Sopranos ending leaves a great mystery too. We still don't understand here, what the screenwriter really wanted to make us think. 

In fact, I'm going to watch The Return of Twin Peaks together with my daughter, because she hasn't seen it yet, but has already seen the other two seasons. I didn't know about th movie, I'll make a note of that. We didn't get all the American series and sitcoms in the UK, but we had so many British ones obviously. I've seen my son watch The Big Bang theory, it's probably a bit too 'young' for me now. 

Watched the new Elvis film the other evening. Great music, from a great decade for music, just like the 60s,70s,80s. My husband and I shared this passion for the superb music from our teenage/20s years. Any type, as long as it was 'good'. 

On 8/21/2022 at 8:54 PM, nashreed said:

It's kind of an odd thing to think, but I do. 

TV is a good thing, and throughout my marriage to Annette, it provided hundreds of hours of entertainment, catchphrases and conversation. 

A TV show kept our relationship together when it was at a very fragile place. We had broken up after a short period of dating, and I did everything I could to reinsert myself into her life, including ingratiating myself with mutual friends. It was work, hard work. As we slowly started to talk again, we found a shared interest- the TV show "Twin Peaks". She had watched the first season when she lived with a friend, but they had a falling out and so for a time she had to move back into her Mom's house. The second season started in the fall of 1990. There was absolutely no way her Mom would let her watch it at her house (her Mom was very religious), so we made a standing date night (well, we were definitely just friends in her mind at the time) to watch "Twin Peaks" together Saturday nights (when they actually showed new programs on network TV that night). We were like gypsy nomads- every Saturday trying to find a place to watch it. It was usually at my Mom's (but my Mom didn't like us in my room with the door closed...), but sometimes it was at my grandpa's, or mutual friends. It was a struggle- nobody else liked this show but us! It was the beginning of the "Us Against The World" feeling that became our life creed. It brought us closer together. That show formed us. 

It broke my heart when, in 2017, it was revived, and we tried to watch it together- but she would always fall asleep during it. It was her combination of severe sleep apnea, opioid dependence and the fact it was slow moving and very, very weird. I ended up watching most of it alone. She was much more keen to watch reality medical shows and news in her last years (stuff like "Dr. Pimple Popper" or "Untold Stories Of The ER"). 

On a visit home in 2016, I started watching"Big Brother" with my family. I had never seen it, but they watched it religiously. I became hooked, and came home with a massive addiction to it, and she got hooked as well. We binged all the previous 15 seasons in a couple of months. It was our big show. She was so into it she would watch the YouTubers that commented on the live feeds (watching the houseguests 24/7- for those that don't know, it's a competition show where strangers are filmed 24/7 in a house, playing competitions and trying to survive "elimination"). With her poor health, limited mobility and as the years went by, it was one of the few things she had to look forward. 

Now, it's summer again, and "Big Brother" is getting good and I watch it without her.... Hoping that see is able to watch it with me. I'm sure a lot of you can relate to a show being "yours", enjoying just being bums and watching TV and just being together. I will always miss it. 

What a coincidence! I'm actually watching the whole Twin Peaks saga at the moment. Ive reached ep. 15 of the second series. I'm actually enjoying it, a good form of 'escapism' for my mind, as there is so much magical and surreal stuff going on in it. When it was first shown on British TV, when I lived in London, I never bothered to watch it, although I was a real tv freak! I thought it was a little 'strange' for my liking, but now I'm appreciating it. I  even made some homemade doughnuts yesterday, after such a long time! (there's practically a scene with doughnuts in every episode!) I just cannot watch ordinary TV anymore, I used to watch lots of current affairs programmes in the evenings with my husband, just can't do that anymore. I don't want to see the news or other 'real life' programmes, so my daughter downloads films and TV series for me to watch during my lonely evenings while she and my son are both out. In the afternoons me any my daughter are now watching Mindhunter. Being set in the late 70s/early 80s, reminds of all the past American cop series in those years, I watched them all: Chips, Streets of S. Francisco, T. J. Hooker, etc. And not only, I watched all the soaps too. Dallas, Dynasty, do you remember the comedy soap that was called just "Soap"? My favourite comedy show when I was at school. 

That's a touching story about your dog, he has surely suffered enormously for the loss of your soulmate. It must be so comforting for you to have him always by your side, like you say, being able to share your feelings with him and nobody else in your family. Our wonderful dog Milo had already left this world when I lost my husband, I can't  imagine how distraught he would have been if he was still here. They had a special bond, followed him everywhere, it was so emotional watching our dog sitting beside my husband, while he'd get on with 'fixing' something outside in the yard (my darling never stopped, always doing odd jobs) his toolbox open, and Milo absolutely concentrated in every single movement. Everytime my husband put on his work shoes to do some work on our land, watching him from our glass door our beautiful dog would start wagging his tail like crazy, with those deep expressive eyes as if he was saying: "I'm waiting for you, you don't think you're going without me, do you?".Of course not. I also used to say he was "part of the family", not just a dog, to me he was another child. I called him the "dog of a thousand facial expressions" , he made himself understood, we had a special 'language' to communicate together. He was so well-mannered too, would always look at us waiting for approval, when we opened the door to let him in, he'd never just dive in without being invited. Many times my husband had saved his life, medicating his injuries, treating him with antibiotics for infections, injections when necessary, oh, the tears we shed that day he left us! I am so grateful to have had such a special dog in our lives, and me, of all people, I had never had much interest for pets before, I suppose you can't understand until you have one yourself. They really are 'better' than humans at times, aren't they? A real comfort and solace for the mind. We have two adorable cats now. 

1 hour ago, kayc said:

am the anxiety ridden one who thinks of things in the middle of the night...

That's me! 😕

In reply to your post Kayc, I just couldn't resist the temptation to send you photos of our two adorable cats. We've always had a dog and a cat, but at the moment it's just two cats. I never used to believe in 'pet therapy', but I've discovered it really is so true! They provide us with real unconditional love and so much comfort and motivation. Obviously, not everyone perhaps lives in a place where they can keep pets. 

I understand you about these commemorative days, how sad they can be. Your story is so heartbreaking. Today, (it's early morning over here, 15th),is actually 21 months to the day, since I lost the one and only love of my life. I still can't believe this, even as I'm writing, it was all so sudden and unexpected, untimely(heart attack) , that my mind just will not acknowledge the fact that we will never see him again. I still think he's going to come through  the front door at any moment, calling out: "HI, everyone, I'm back!". I keep reliving that horrific November Sunday afternoon, always on my mind 24 hrs a day, it was the start of another "Covid shutdown", and we had just spent a week stocking up on food any other necessities. I cry thinking how he never got the chance to see the world reopening, finally getting back to normal (almost), but I'm not seeing this anyway, my life stopped that day, my emotions stopped, my motivation, desires, enthusiasm, don't find joy in anything, everything stopped. I can't talk to my two grownup kids about how I feel, would just upset them even more. Other family members who haven't lost a partner don't understand at all, they see my false brave face, thinking all is well, just getting on with their lives as if nothing's happened. 

Take care of yourself. 

It's his birthday today. 

I came across this song (Faith Hill). The title: 'You're still here", echoes the words I keep repeating to my beloved over and over again. I'll never let go of him. 

Happy birthday my love. 

3 hours ago, kayc said:

every day but the congestion/clearing throat is slow in improvement...

Sorry to hear you're still battling with covid. 

Wishing you a speedy recovery. ❤️

11 hours ago, Sheemie said:

was so busy all day helping my mother in law, helping neighbors, making food, taking care of everything. I used to

Sheemie, I'm so sorry you're feeling so homesick, your story touched me. You hit a chord when you wrote those words above. I went through a long period, together with my darling husband, going backwards and forwards to my MIL's house (she lived alone,  20mins drive from us), caring  for her, cooking, cleaning, washing, shopping, official paperwork, getting her to have a shower, she was suffering from dementia, did not cooperate and  had become very verbally aggressive. We wanted   her to  move in with us (lots of space in our 3 storey house), would have been so much easier, for her and for us. She utterly refused, we tried once and we found her walking out of the gate, saying that she would returnhome, on foot, if it was necessary!! We were forced to drive her back home. 

We didn't have time for ourselves at all, the stress was unbearable, especially for my husband. I could see he felt guilty that I was having to do all this for her, being female (she didn't have daughters), it was obviously less embarrassing for my MIL, and more  natural, for me to bathe and clean her,when she became no longer self-sufficient. I always tried to reassure him not to worry, these things happen. I'll never forget his desperate  words one day: "I can't handle this any longer, she's killing me..", referring to his mother. Imagine, how I feel now. 

I also find myself in an opposite situation to how I was before , watching the hours go by, days that never end, nothing in particular to do. I could find lots to do, if I wanted, but they are just things that can wait, not really necessary,and to tell you the truth, in my depressive state, I can't be bothered anyway. What's the point? Isn't it strange that we even find ourselves missing what we used to complain about? 

Sending you comfort and strength. 

10 hours ago, nashreed said:

haven't a clue how to make new friends in this day and age. The world has passed me by while I was in love. I'm in the same circumstances I was in as an awkward, painfully shy 19 year old, but this time I'm an old man at 52, and there is no second chance. There's

I understand this feeling, for me it's just mentally, because luckily, I can still live in our home, hope to continue living here until my time comes. I am sorry for you that you had to go back to live in a place, which it seems by what you say, that you don't like now  at all. At least you are not alone though, even if I know, it's not the same. Nobody can be a substitute for the love you shared with your soulmate. 

My kids could eventually move out, for personal/work reasons, as they all normally do, but I don't think I ever will.  I do sometimes feel I've been suddenly tossed back in time, but with the mind and body of a 55 yr-old (I feel more like a 100 yr-old sometimes). I fear that I will go into regression, forget all I ever learned, not having  my soulmate to share my daily life with, discussing problems, suggesting advice together for our kids, I'm completely useless now. If you break up a team, especially the guide, what's left? 

Take care. 

3 hours ago, Sad_Widower said:

confident being alone in the hotel will be really extra lonely, simply because she is not at home.  I know that sounds weird but I am confident it’s how I will feel.

This doesn't sound weird at all. I can understand how it will be for you, not having your beloved waiting for you at home, keeping in contact all the time, as you said. I know it won't console you, but just keep thinking that she is actually waiting for you, you will probably still get that feeling of "can't wait to get back home". It's strange but even when I just pop out for the weekly shopping, I can't wait to return home, I feel my husband closer to me when I'm in our home, our nest that we 'built' together. Apart from this, yes, all the "first times without..." are unbearably devastating. The problem is that I'm finding the second times even worse, like this month, I have both our birthdays and wedding anniversary, just don't know  how I will manage to get through them. Christmas was even sadder than the first one which came  just a month after losing my beloved, didn't put the tree up, this year either.  Perhaps, during the first year, I still hadn't seen the whole reality of my loss, I now  seem to be suffering from 'delayed grief', if this terminology exists! I was also so inundated with paperwork, being tossed about backwards and forwards, visiting all types of public offices almost every day,unanswered phone calls, closures and no possibility of sorting out bureaucratic stuff   due to covid restrictions, dozens of appointments,  suddenly finding myself being a full-time carer for my MIL, who was bedridden and suffering from dementia. I just wanted to scream at the world: "Leave me alone, I don't even have time to grieve!" Anyway, I don't want to drift off the subject. There is one thing, that I  absolutely cannot imagine doing for the first time without my darling husband, and that is to go on a holiday, or even just a day trip, couldn't bear it without him, don't even feel the need to. I still have to hold back the tears when I walk into a supermarket, and I really have to force myself to do these weekly trips, only when it's absolutely necessary, when the food dispenser is almost empty. I don't even feel the need to just go out for a stroll around the shops, the high street, like we used to do, almost every day, especially during cold winter days. This year, for the first time, completely on my own, I have managed to plant some tomatoes on our property, without using mechanical devices (our clay soil is very tough!) , I just used a hand hoe and my inexistent muscles to  dig up and prepare  vegetable bed. I didn't believe it would work, but it did! This may sound silly but I burst into tears when I started seeing those bright red little fruits ripening. While I pick them, I talk to my husband, asking for his approval, and telling him I have done this for him, as he would have been so sad seeing our land with nothing growing, all bare and abandoned. 

I better stop now, before  break down again. 

Hope your business trip goes well, your wife is with you, looking after you. 

Glad to hear you're home, Gwen. Don't worry, it must seem scary at first, but I'm sure everything will go well for you. 

Big hugs to you. 

I understand you all. Yes, of course, we are human beings and it's natural to have a desire to interact with the opposite sex, not necessarily in a romantic, intimate way,just to have an interesting conversation with. My husband and I used to jokingly argue about whether a female could live easily a life without a male companion around the house, or vice versa. I would state that I could never live without him, he said the same and insisted that a woman can adapt to being alone but a man would find it very difficult. I just miss those hours of cultural discussions that we had at times, I don't want to boast, but my husband was really a 'baggage' of knowledge, I called him, teasingly, my 'walking enciclopedia'. He said it was because he had read so many books, on every single topic in the world. He loved it when way back in the 90s, "Sky" tv came along with all those documentary channels: Discovery, National Geographical, (especially Discovery Science), he actually influenced me in this, opened my eyes to so much I had just always ignored or taken for granted, and we'd sit there for hours watching them. 

2 hours ago, nashreed said:

Unfortunately the chances of meeting one are slightly higher than being attacked by one of those crazy Japanese mon

This made me smile, nashreed, we do need a bit of sense humour added to our sad posts, to help us get through our days. 

Thank you all for being here. 

49 minutes ago, Sad_Widower said:

are lucky to have each other.” to where it got kind of tense and no one said anything back. Even though I am 52, I NEVER talk to my parents like that so I took a deep breath and realized at that moment, if my own parents, who were involved in my wife and I’s daily life don’t understand..no one can until they experience it.

This all sounds so familiar to me. Luckily, I also still have both my parents, dad is 88,mum 84, but  I don't know how many times, when visiting them, I have had to 'grit my teeth', stopping myself from exploding,  grin and bear it, being close to marching out of their house, slamming the door, due to all the nonsense my dad gives me. I know I shouldn't feel like this, they only have me and my kids, I'm an only child (huge disadvantage) and they are starting to be less independent, needing our help. They just cannot understand what I'm going through, how can they? I avoid talking about my husband with them, I just get too irritated, I've become less patient than I was, can't tolerate stupid lamenting about minor ailments that are not life threatening at all, especially my dad, for example:"oh my blood pressure is a bit high today.....".  My answer to him:  "well, I'm thirty years younger than you and MINE is much higher than YOURS! How about that, eh? At least you've been lucky to see old age, not everyone gets a chance to see it! "

I don't have any close friends and nobody I know who has lost a soulmate in their early fifties, who I can relate to. Lately, I've become a bit closer to my FIL's second wife. She lost her first husband, over forty yrs ago, in a car accident after just 11 months of marriage! I was chatting to her the other day and finally discovered that she is really the only one who can  understand me, and I told her so. 

I agree, unless they've gone through it, No one can possibly understand what it's like seeing your whole world collapse from one minute to another, having lost the one person who 'got' you, knew you inside out, shared your existence together, going through ups and downs, practically breathed the same air.  I will never be the same person I was, ever again. How can I be? We gave our whole selves to each other, my MIL used to say fondly to us:  "You are ONE person", yes, she was right. So if he's gone, what's left? The shell. 

"till death us do part", we said in our marriage vows, well, I don't think so, I don't feel 'parted' at all from my darling husband, I don't want to.. he will always be with me, a part of me, l will never take off my wedding ring, that's for sure,and I wear his ring around my neck on a gold chain. 

Sorry, for my whining, I just need to do this every now and then, can only do it here with you all, I know you won't judge and will forgive me for blurting out any old stuff that comes across my mind, which may sound too harsh. 

On 7/27/2022 at 8:02 AM, Gwenivere said:

Everything is harder in this h3at.  I don’t have the blinds open which feels weird.  Can’t tell if there is any AC on in the halls because so many room doors are open.  I

3 hours ago, kayc said:

was 99 here.  It's been hotter every day than predicted.  Monday should start to lower.  That'll be over a week of this

Looks like quite a few  of us are struggling with this sweltering heat. Our heatwave has been going on since beginning of July, maximum Temps in the afternoon reach 100F.Surely no chance of easing down with August around the corner, can only get worse. At the moment it's 97 here where I live (400 meters high), it's 5pm,this is the hottest time of the day. In our nearby town, it's over 100. Have to keep an eye on using too much a/c, I don't know about you  but we've had enormous rises in our electricity bills this year (the Russian war excuse🙁). 

Gwen, we're all thinking of you here, cheering you on, I hope  everything will get sorted out for you for your return home. 

17 hours ago, nashreed said:

get up in the morning and have my walk and talk with Annette, and it keeps me through to the noon hour. The mornings are quiet around here with all the noisy neighbors and brats, and I have motivation to do housework and get things done. The afternoons are the worst. I used to play music between noon and 3 when we together, and I regret

I agree, afternoons are the worst, especially now during these torrid summer days, barricaded inside, shutters closed down, living like vampires, only get a breather early morning or evenings. At least at other times of the year, I can stay outdoors on our land and get odd jobs done, now you risk your life or at the very least, a sunstroke, if you dare to spend time outside, even just strolling around weeds. I have to wait unti sunset to water my tomatoes, spraying myself with mosquito repellent, first! Only, at that time, the wild boars start coming out, but they usually keep their distance from human presence or any noise they may hear. We practically have a "heat" curfew, from 11am to 5pm, not wise to venture out, of course it isn't official, like the covid Curfew. Just common sense,really.

That's probably why  I've been feeling worse lately, not being able to keep my mind occupied, housework doesn't give me solace from my thoughts, it's the FRESH AIR that helps. We used to spend our afternoons getting on with our piano learning, our favourite was Bach, the first tune we ever learned to play together was Air on G string (only the first part, though) . I would never have managed it without him, I'd never even tried playing any  musical instrument before. I'm so glad I told him that, many times: "I surely wouldn't have got this far, if it weren't for you". Had a good cry and scream this morning while driving back from my morning errands in town, I had a long chat with my darling too, telling him I miss him like crazy more and more each day. 

18 hours ago, jathas said:

Tomorrow will mark exactly one month since my husband suddenly and unexpectedly passed.  We were together for 22 years and we are young.  I am 40 and he had just turned 52 a few weeks before his sudden passing.  My husband and I were hardly ever apart for 22 years.  In the past month, the absolute WORST time of the day for me is when I get up in the morning.  As soon as I wake up, the realization hits me that my husband is not here.  I cry most mornings.  Waking up alone for the very first time in 22 years is absolutely nauseating.  I literally feel sick to my stomach.  I miss the comfort of his presence so much it hurts.  I HATE being like this and I feel so heartbroken and angry that my soulmate was taken from me so soon and so suddenly.  

I'm only a month into this, but as holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, etc. approach, I'm sure that I will be a complete and total mess.  Thanksgiving and Christmas will be especially hard.  We actually got married on Thanksgiving and my husband and I went crazy at Christmas decorating the house, getting together with friends and family, having and attending holiday parties together, etc., and now I won't have that.  😥

Jathas, you really do haveme close to tears, reading your posts. I can imagine how hard it must be for you to find yourself forced to adjust to anew life. Like you have told us, you were only a 'kid' practically, when you met your love, I remember at that age who would ever think of settling down with a steady boyfriend, living together, marriage, house, responsibilities, etc. But you were blessed, meeting the love of your life, you grew up with him, you learned so much from life, became a mature young woman, with him by your side. I can totally understand you, I was 27 when I met my husband, he was 31, but I can honestly say that I hadn't had a real 'serious' boyfriend before then, so in a way, I feel I became a mature woman being with him, shedding away that 'girlish' attitude. I did want to meet someone and finally settle down, and then he came along, out of the blue. 

Cry as much as you want, scream even, it will do you good, and like I read somewhere, a loving relationship does not die just because one half has gone, your love you shared will never ever be taken away from you, and that special love will give you the strength to go on. Your bond is still there, even if not physically,this will help you get through this  "bumpy ride" (avoiding stronger words) we've all found ourselves on. 

Sending you comfort and a big hug. 

Jathas, your posts are so touching, I do hope you are able to find a little comfort here , sharing your feelings with us, we're all with you, we relate and understand exactly what you are going through. 

Sending you a warm hug. 

Thank you Marty for this. I particularly related to the article "Sudden loss - 5 Ways it differs from expected loss". I lost my husband suddenly and unexpectedly to a heart attack, he was still young (57), fit and healthy. Just like I read in the article, my disbelief is still the same as it was the day he left this world, over 20 months ago, feelings of guilt, could I have done more, to prevent this? Will it ever become 'belief', i ask myself? That means that I really haven't started to grieve 'properly', I'm still stuck in denial. I surely wouldn't have been able to join this group earlier, I started searching for grief support on the internet, about a year after I'd lost my beloved. Until then I was completely numb, no words would come out of my mouth, completely dumb, as if I was in a 'trance'. Talking and listening to our friends here is now helping me to survive, but the trauma of losing him suddenly  still  controls my mind, causing sleeplessness, anxiety and so many other strong emotions that no words can describe, and that I never even thought could exist. 

Thank you again for creating this great  healing community. 

I picture my darling soulmate in many different ways. At times, I think of him how he was when we first met, other times what he looked like recently, not that he had changed much, anyway. Then again, he  was only 57 when he left this world, and I had met him when he was 31. In any way, I  picture him constantly, I always have his beautiful, kind smile in my mind.