aluckyson

Yesterday would've been the one year anniversary of my mom's last day at work, the place that she almost had to be stopped from trying to go to even up until the end. About three hours from now it'll be the one year anniversary of when the ambulance came to pick her up from the house to go to the hospital... it's hard to believe that it's just hours away from the last time she was ever in this house. It's been a pretty lonely year but I've mostly gotten through it okay. It's kind of weird how coincidences work, my mom and I being huge baseball fans. Last year the season opener for our team was on the day that she passed, this year it was yesterday afternoon and its start time would've lined up almost perfectly for her to watch it right when she'd be home from work. It's just a dumb thing I guess but I do wish she would've been able to see that one last opening day game. Anyways, just slightly less than eight more days and it'll officially be one whole year. Not looking forward to that anniversary one bit but I'm hoping that once it's over things will feel a bit better since I won't be thinking about any more "one year" anniversaries.

As of about 15 minutes ago it's officially been half a year since I lost mom. I still can't believe how it both feels so recent and also like it was forever ago. Today is also my 30th birthday and I just wish that it would be over. Not that I ever really celebrate them or anything, but it makes me sad knowing that I won't be spending it with her or at least hearing from her like I did for every other one. It's also Thanksgiving weekend here in Canada so that's just one more reason that this time fo the year will feel weird from here on out.

This is something I still definitely struggle with at times for sure. I used to talk my mom's ear off with things haha. I certainly have that itch to tell her about how I heard some piece of news or saw something when I was out, etc. I still do have little chats with her all of the time and make sure to say goodnight. I still almost always put the baseball game on her TV when it's on too lol. It's still weird and sad to me to think that this will only be the third ever birthday I've had without her (but this one being the first without her literally being around at all,) the second Thanksgiving and the first Christmas and New Year. I think it's going to be maybe only the second time I've not been with her for her birthday either.

4 months now as of early this morning. Still really hard to believe that it's been a third of a year. Two months from now it'll be exactly half a year and it falls on my birthday. Really not looking forward to that at all.

I definitely know what you mean about that. I always cooked for my mom or as I mentioned in a previous post, I would almost always grab us breakfast at Tim Hortons on weekend mornings. It was just a nice little routine thing. It's definitely the talks and just the physical presence though that I miss. On the one hand it's nice that I just eat/cook what I want now when I want since I have no one else to think about for it, but at the same time I'd much much rather have it the way it was before. Oh wow lol, that's kind of a wild way to come into the world. My birthday is actually right around (and occasionally right on) Canadian Thanksgiving.

Today makes it 3 months now. Hard to believe it's been a quarter of a year since she passed away. It still sucks and it always will, but it's a little easier to deal with especially now that I don't have my grandmother and aunt at my house. I'm still dreading some things like my birthday (October) and my mom's (November) because I know those will be hard, not to mention Christmas without her. For some reason I randomly thought of Halloween the other night while laying in bed; it's not that we did anything on the day, but every year my mom would grab a couple of the boxes of assorted candy and she'd take some in to put on her desk for the people at work and she'd keep some at home for us to snack on for a few months. The thought of it really bummed me out.

Unfortunately to do that I'd have to go some place out of province. It's a really weird system. I do have good news though: I had applied at an insurance brokerage last week and I just received an email from one of their offices about half an hour ago to set up a Zoom interview some time next week. Meanwhile, this morning I received a second email from a different place I applied to (hospitality industry) about my interest in a spot; they called me then about 90 minutes ago and tomorrow morning I'll be having an in person interview there. Still hoping to be contacted by the bank for an interview, but right now it looks like some other options are opening up in the meantime.

Wish me luck, I applied online today and am hoping I make it through so that the manager at my local branch can give them a recommendation for me. It's a shame you had such little time with him, but I'm glad that you had it. There's that saying about a light that burns so bright burns half as long. My hope is that we'll all see them again one day. Still not religious, probably won't be (I'm just agnostic) but I do hold a bit of hope that it's how things go.

That's awful, and I feel terrible for your loss. That's a crazy amount to go through so close together. The fact, I think, is that you're right and that you won't be the same. I don't mean it in that you'll never feel good again, but it does change you. I haven't dealt with losing three close people like that, but I know that if one changes you, three must. Right now I think just grieving is all that can be asked of you. You deserve to be able to. If you're the type of person that would benefit from it I'd recommend reaching out to friends to talk to; anyone who is reasonable or even just nice will want to help. Of course places like this are good to visit too.

Minimum wage here is $15 which is equivalent to $11.65 in the US. As for Gwen, it's unfortunate that she doesn't have some more things to look forward to but it's good that she has that. It's fun playing even if you don't win. Mom and I always got 2 cards each for Tuesday nights in her final months which would cost a total of $18 (that's a tick under $14 USD). We used to play the Saturday night ones too (which cost us $20 in total, $5 per card) but we didn't like it as much. Anyways, even though we never won together it was fun... even when it was frustrating because they'd keep barely missing our numbers. I love (not past tense, never past tense) my mom more than the world. EVERYONE I've talked to, from people at her work, the women at our bank, the women at our insurance place, the head nurse at our family doctor has said how sweet and how smart she was. Keep in mind that my mom was kind of private outside of work but you couldn't help but to love her. Anyone who didn't like my mom is probably someone who sucks lmao. If I ever find myself a woman who I think of even half as highly as I do my mom, I'll go ring shopping the next morning. I actually had something happen today that I'm PRAAAAAYING works out... I went to the bank to pay a few bills; the women there all knew my mom and sort of know me, and they're super nice. Anyways, one suggested applying to become a teller. Minimum wage they pay at the bank is $20 to start and she said they're always looking for more tellers. She also said that since they're almost always women they a guy might be able to get a fast track in since we're kind of rare. So if I get a chance to work there (knock on wood) and only got 30 hours a week, that $30,000 a year would allow me to not have to worry about finances barring something major. The other great thing is that I live super close to the bank. If I really wanted to in the good weather I could just walk there in about 10 minutes. To drive there round trip would take me like 3 minutes a day.

I did a bit of converting on the numbers and I'd say it's around $5.80/gallon USD where I live. I have three places I generally go to for groceries: the first is only a couple of minutes away but the selection and prices aren't great. The second place is about a 10-15 minute drive each way and has a lot more selection and the prices are comparable. The best option is about a 25 minute drive away (each way) which is about the only drawback as it has the best selection and prices. When mom was alive it was definitely where we would get things from most of the time. Regarding my house, I discussed it last night here at time and things may not be as serious as I thought. Don't get me wrong as I don't have the money to not do anything for a decade, but my leash is a little longer than I thought. Really outside of my bills (heat, electric, water, gas, property taxes, home and car insurance, internet and cable) and things like food and gas for the car, I don't have much to worry about in terms of costs as I don't have car payments or a mortgage - knock on wood that I don't have any serious home/car repairs in the near future as the house is relatively new and the car isn't a decade old yet and is of a quality make. The closest my my mom and I ever got to winning the lottery was winning at TV bingo when she first went into the hospital. That was for less than $120 lol. We had been playing for about seven months, once a week (or at most, twice) and we didn't actually win until the evening of the day she was set to stay in the hospital for her first or two trips. I remember phoning her after it with the good news and I know it made her happy. I just wish it had have happened when she was actually there to play with me. I'll never know whose ticket was the actual winner, but I'll always just consider it to count as "ours".

I'm in Canada (Ontario) so gas here is about $2 a litre, so not great but probably better than California. Basically the options are the following: Job 1 - it's pretty close to home. Only about a 3 minute drive both ways with good weather (maybe a little more than 5 minutes in the winter). It's really a job I think I wouldn't enjoy much as it's pretty fast paced/service oriented (it's at a chain restaurant). Job 2 - it's about a 25 minute drive both ways. It's also not a job that I'm thrilled about but it's not a customer service job and it's more private which I like. Now granted I don't 100% have this even locked down yet as I have a second interview (on Zoom) set up for Tuesday as of now. Bear in mind that both jobs pay barely over minimum wage, but that's really all I'm in the market for unfortunately. Now there's a third (possible) option which would be the most ideal but I'm waiting to see if it's even available. It's also not amazing by any means, but it pays slightly better than the other two and it's located only about a 30 second drive away which is nice. I'm still looking around and hoping I can find other things, but I don't live in a very large area so it's a bit limited. Realistically if I could just make around $19,500 USD a year it should cover most of my expenses with a little wiggle room added. Winning the lottery would be ideal, but I'm not waiting on that to happen lol.

It seems like I've managed to get it. If I accept the position I would begin my orientation on Wednesday. I have another interview (I made it past the first stage) on Tuesday, but I'll probably cancel it - it's a job that I think I'd prefer, pays the same but it's about an 15 minute commute each way, and I'm sure everyone here knows what gas prices are like these days. I have a family member who is going to look into a job thought for me and I REALLY hope it happens since the place is so close to me that I wouldn't even need to drive if I didn't want to during the nice weather. The pay is a little better too than the other places on top of that. Still certainly nothing that'll make me rich, but it'd be ideal in a lot of ways.

They're not really forcing me I guess, but they're saying the financial situation isn't as good as previously thought. I'm hoping they're wrong though, but there's still fees (from my mom's funeral and whatnot) to finish with. Plus certain things like the house insurance are going to go up for me as my mom's policy had a senior's discount that I won't be able to benefit from. I actually do have a job interview in like two hours though. It won't paid a ton and it's less than glamorous, but I hope I get it. It's close to home (actually only about a minute drive from where my mom worked) which means it'll be good on gas/wear and tear. It's a night position too which is ideal as it should be less stressful. Doing the math (if I even get the job) I should be able to mostly handle my finances but I'll have to really adhere to a STRICT budget for quite some time. I'd do almost anything though to not have to sell my mom's house or have to move from the only area I've ever known. And yeah, I've been keeping a mental calendar in my head about when they're leaving. Just 9 full days after today lol.

My aunt and grandmother came back yesterday afternoon. They're going to be staying here until July 4th. I'm in a pretty bad place right now... I'm being told that I may not be able to keep the house and that I might have to sell it. I've done the math and I thought that even if I did nothing in terms of having an income I should be good for about a year living the lifestyle that I do, but I'm being told that even if I can find work that I might be in trouble. I don't know if it's them knowing something I don't or what. I've been redoing some math and I think that they might actually be right about it. I just feel miserable and I want to be with my mom more than anything.

Can't believe the as of a little over 10 minutes ago it's been two whole months since my mom passed away. It both feels like it was only just yesterday and a lifetime ago. I still talk to her out loud at least once every day and I still put her TV on (almost) every day when the Blue Jays are playing.

My mom was very similar to you and I in that sense. When it was my mom and I there was no issue, it didn't feel awkward or invasive. If ever there was a time where it felt like it was "too much" being around one another (which wasn't often) I could just go off for awhile and that would be that. When I was in college I had roommates a few times and while it wasn't my favourite thing ever, it wasn't too bad. I had my space, people respected it and best of all I wasn't told how to live my life. I didn't encroach on anyone (to my knowledge) and no one encroached on me (to my recollection). As it should be. Neither do I, but yeah, basically I have no say in the matter since it's not OFFICIALLY my house yet even so that's being held over my head. In the last year or so (long before she ever was sick) my mom mentioned every so often that she wanted to update her will but it was just one of those things that wasn't an urgent priority since no one could've believed she'd be gone any time soon. I know that she would've been leaving me everything before, I have zero doubt there, but I wonder if part of why she wanted it updated was because she foresaw a situation like this. I think she knew I'd be able to handle everything on my own now, it's not like I'm a little kid like when her will had been made. Anyway, trust me they'd totally get the hypothetical reply you'd give lmao. Trust me, I have the same thought as you. I can tell you that all it would do is get met with snark and me being told how ungrateful for all the things (that I explicitly said I didn't want done) they did "for me". It's how things have long been, even before my mom died. Any time I disagreed with something or expressed an opinion of my own it's met with "We've done this, we've done that, we bought you this, etc." Mind you these are often things I've never asked for or are often things hearkening back from when I was a kid lol.

I've just kind of given up on it. Without getting lawyers (which I can't afford to get into some long drawn out thing with) or having police involved I don't know how it can be resolved. I just want them gone. I'm now firmly at the point when this is finished, they're dead to me. I say this knowing that I will be, in all likelihood, leaving a considerable inheritance (which partly would have gone to my mom) from my grandmother off of the table by doing so. Objectively not a wise decision financially, but I don't care. She's in her late 80s. She should have been the one who died, not my mom. Everything would've been so much easier too. The will was very simple: my grandmother was named the executor, and I am the sole, without exception, beneficiary. As I understand this, my grandmother's duties are to pay the bills (out of my mom's bank account/estate), get copies of relevant paperwork (death certificate, etc.), cancel any credit/debit card, etc. So right now, all of the bills aren't in my name - from the cable to the internet, from the water to the hydro, you name it. When will they be changed over to me? I don't quite know. I'm not in control of any of it, it's no longer even being sent to my address. I woke up yesterday and the flowerbed was full. Now the house is being gone through AGAIN and they want to have someone come in and clean it (it's not even very dirty, I swear on this)... so will that be on their dime or out of the estate which should be MY money? Again, I have no clue. The house isn't all that big (when there are two other people who you desperately want out) and I can't really go anywhere in it because I don't want to be around them; I feel trapped in my own house, and on top of it they're planning to be here for another WEEK. Then they say they're coming again later in the summer, for who knows how long. I'm so angry over all of this I just wish I wouldn't wake up in the morning.

Double post here, but I thought I'd make this one separate just for some thoughts: My aunt and grandmother have been back for a few days now and I fear they're going to be here for at least a week. They're insisting that I'm going to have a bunch of flowers in the front flowerbed (there are already a couple of perennials, but lots of empty space) even though I don't want them. After all, even though it's going to be my house, my property and my life, there's no reason I should have my own say, right? Same goes for me being the bad guy saying that I think I want to cancel the cable (which I don't need and runs about $100 a month) in lieu of getting a sports (because that's all I ever use the cable for) streaming package for about $150 a year because if they come to visit (oh God, how often are they planning on this? I had it so nice not having to worry when my mom was alive) they'll have "nothing to do". Yeah, well, I could sure enjoy saving about $1050 a year. I'm far from being in a position where a thousand dollars or so is no big deal to me. Yesterday I had a local car dealer (who my mom and I have known for many, many years) come by to give a price for her vehicle. He was so shocked to hear that she passed away; virtually everyone I've spoken to has said that. The price offer actually came in at a little below my expectations unfortunately, but it was reasonable and I don't think he was unfair. Today in the mid-afternoon he came by and picked it up so I watched it leave the driveway one last time, in the same direction mom would always head out to work in the morning. About an hour to that I backed it out of the garage one final time. I was able to retain her plates (I have them sitting in my room actually) and I intend to have them transferred onto my car at some point. Hopefully they're something I'll have forever. I feel like I said it in every post, but I'm ridiculously sentimental when it comes to my mom. Not super crazy stuff like finding and keeping a used tissue that fell under the bed lol, but stuff like her license plates, etc. Earlier in the day we had the house reappraised. Good news: the value has increased considerably due to the general market, it being relatively new and it being kept in good condition (also the builder and his company are very reputable). Bad news: the taxes which I'll now be paying will increase too. I still have no intention of selling unless I am forced to at some point. Hopefully career things pick up for me so I feel more comfortable. I'll just be glad when all of the legal stuff is done, when all of the bills are switched over to my name, etc. It's probably going to take at least 6 months though until things are settled. Most of all though right now I just want to be alone. I can't even relax in my own house again. I can't even have the air conditioning on without it being a thing because it's "too cold" (72 Fahrenheit) while I'm boiling. The two weeks prior when I had time to myself felt... okay. Believe me, nothing has felt okay since my mom died but I didn't feel like I was constantly being nitpicked and controlled or having to play some role of entertainer for people. The quiet was nice. I'm much prefer there being the background sounds of my mom watching TV or talking on the phone or even her snoring at night, but if I can't have that at least the quiet was fine by me.

That unbelievable. I'm really sorry to hear about that happening. I can't imagine how hard that must have been on everyone. That's so much to happen in one incident. My mom's knees were in pretty awful shape (literally and figuratively). She also suffered from arthritis and osteoporosis. Fortunately she never broke anything; her fall that last night/morning at home scared me even more because I knew it could be so easy to break something due to that. My mom definitely couldn't even kneel or do anything like that. When she fell that night it was the first and only time that any part of her body other than her feet (maybe her fingertips had touched the floor at some point if she bent to pick something light up, but you understand the point that I'm making) had touched the floor of the house (moved into it around this time in 2015 for context). That's a shame about the pet situation. Maybe something will change and a nice stray will come your way. I definitely recommend trying out the chicken like that. It's really quite easy and it should go well with cauliflower rice or even pasta I'm sure. I don't cook as much now though. I just kind of eat when I feel like it, sometimes not at all. I used to make dinner between 5 and 6:30, but now sometimes I just eat at 10.

Yeah, my mom didn't have very good balance either because of her terrible knees. I was always worried she'd fall, but she never did until that last day she was ever at home, about 6 hours before I had to call the ambulance to take her to the hospital. My whole life I was terrified that she would have a fall or something when I wasn't around her but it never happened; when it finally did, I was literally standing no more than a foot from her and I wasn't able to do much as it happened so fast and she wasn't easy to manage moving around on my own. I've never had a pet (I don't really consider this to be "my cat" as it comes and goes) at all before, not even growing up. Growing up I was in sports a lot and we'd go away to visit family a few times a year so my mom thought it wasn't really fair to have one as we wouldn't have had anyone to look after it when we were away. I am glad that this stray showed up though as my mom really did enjoy having it around, especially this past winter. I was really hoping there'd be a lot more time for them to be together. It might be good for you to get another cat if you're up to it. It might make things feel a little nicer and it'd be something new/fresh to spice things up maybe. It was nice that you did that for her. I'm sure she appreciated it. Now that my mom is gone I don't cook as much as I did as it kind of seems pointless to. Not that I was ever making big extravagant things or anything, but I concern myself with it now much less. I wish that I had made some of the things she liked a lot right near the end. There was one thing she really liked which is when I'd pound a chicken breast down to make it thin, cook it and then use canned soup (usually something like cream of broccoli) as a "gravy" and have it with rice. It's neither fancy nor complex, but it's good lol. Near the end though it was hard to get her to eat much and most days it was a chore just to get her to 1000 calories on the day. She was just kind of fatigued and said she didn't have much of an appetite and all I can think is that I should have put more pressure on her to go back to the hospital as those must have been signs that she was getting sick(er) again.

In a certain way I almost wish I didn't live with her here (at least for so long). While I'm comfortable in the house and everything, it's just sad now without her here. I do like that I can go to her room and talk to her or put on her TV at night and let "her" watch the baseball game. It's just that every time I pull in the driveway she's not there anymore (and soon neither will her vehicle) or when I come in the house there's not her to say hi to. They are pushy lol. There's really no good in me saying "no" even though I've tried. At this point most of the stuff with the house itself is finished (I hope). I'd just like it to be wrapped up at this point since that means not only will it be done but also that there's less reason for them to be over here. Just the cane is back in my car. The shoes and purse are back in the house where I intend to keep them. She only ever was in my car a handful of times (it was pretty difficult for her to get in and out of it since it's much lower to the ground than her vehicle) so in a way I'm almost glad that I don't have a ton of memories of her in my car if that makes sense. Yeah, it's like that every day, there's so many random little things I would normally have talked to her about. I don't really talk to many people in real life, I'm a pretty reserved person, but I could talk with my mom for hours all of the time quite easily. And I didn't mind doing things for her, with very few exceptions. I liked even doing things like getting the groceries and bringing them home, sometimes with some things that weren't on the list but I saw and thought she'd/we'd like. It was nice. We've been looking after a stray cat for close to a year now and during the winter she'd stay inside with us. Around this time last year I would sit out at night for anywhere from 15 minutes to and hour and hang out with her while she became more comfortable. When she began coming in the house she'd usually stay in the living room with my mom and I think they kept each other good company. The cat isn't really the most affectionate but I think she really liked being there with my mom. I can't tell if she's sad or anything but I think she knows she's not coming back. She hasn't stayed in at night in quite awhile and doesn't hang out as much during the day anymore but that might be because the weather is improving.

Today, mostly the afternoon and evening, has been another tough one. They seem to be becoming more frequent now, really ever since the day AFTER Mother's Day for some reason. Right now I just feel miserable and I miss her so much, even more than usual. I think that in part it's because I received a call this morning that my aunt and grandmother are coming back tomorrow to do more things around the house, and I was told that I needed to have mom's vehicle cleaned out as it needs to be sold (which I knew but it's still hard to know it won't be in the garage anymore one day.) So this afternoon I cleaned out her things from the car, put them in a bag and put them in the trunk of mine. For now they'll stay there since it takes up very little room. As I've said a few times, I'm not exactly thrilled being around my aunt and grandmother. My mom knew and understood that; she always made it easier because at least my mom was someone who I could be comfortable with and she often related and shared my feelings on things and even if we were giving each other a knowing look of "Get me out of hereeee" it was comforting. At around 5pm I drove up to mom's office (only about 5 minutes away) in her vehicle. Before I left the house I put her cane, her main pair of shoes and her purse on the passenger's side for kind of "one last ride". I actually did this same thing a few weeks ago and thought it would be the last one, so maybe today's "last ride" isn't the last either (it'll be the last one with the purse, shoes, cane though) haha. It'll be the last one where I kind of "Come home from (her) work" like she did though in it. Probably kind of silly, but I'm very sentimental about her, certainly more than I ever knew I was. When I returned back to the house about 10 minutes later I pressed the garage door opener in the car a few seconds before I was getting to our driveway so that I could drive right in just as mom always would do. After pulling into the garage and putting the door down I just sat for a few minutes and talked to mom before taking out her cane, shoes, purse and the garage door opener (which I've now put in my car and put mine in the house) and bringing them in the house. Since my mom died I've left her cane on the backseat floor of my car and that's where I put it again. I just can't get over how empty things in the world feel without her. Every day without exception there are so many things I want to tell her or talk about and I can't. Every so often during the day it hits me that I'm never going to have a random call from her office show up on the phone and that makes me sad. I can't imagine me being around for another 40-60 years like this. I knew that even if my mom lived to see me make it to 50 (20 years for me until I'm that old) I'd still probably have at least 20 years after that without her being there with me, but it's just so sad to me and it feels so scary thinking that she didn't even make it long enough to see me turn 30 this year. I don't know if I turned out "right" really. There's a lot more I should've/maybe could be doing in life. If anything I probably caused her to worry a lot because I could never really get my life together in terms of a career and whatnot.

It's good that you had good sisters. I'm an only child, don't have much in the way of close family, never knew my dad much (he wasn't a good guy and wasn't really interested in being around anyway even for visitations after my mom left him). It's certainly very rough not having someone around that you're so used to having especially since my mom was basically all I've ever had. Our house is similar in that there's clutter, but managed. Fortunately it's not a super big house so it's not like you have to search a dozen rooms if you're having problems finding something lol. Yep, Ontario. It's another warm day today (23 degrees Celsius/about 73 Fahrenheit). Give it about another 6 weeks and every day almost will be in the 30 degree range which I loathe lol. I hope so. Since she's passed I still usually go and put her TV on during Blue Jays games most days when they're playing, too. Just little things like that.

Mother's Day wasn't as difficult as I expected it to be. Not sure why really. One of the things that we (almost) always did on weekends for many years now would be to go to Tim Hortons, get breakfast/lunch and bring it back to the house to eat. With Mother's Day being on a Sunday this year I decided to go and do that, but I took her vehicle - I decided beforehand that it'll be the last time that I go there driving her vehicle before it's sold. I figured that not only was it good that it would be done during the weekend as tradition had it for us, but also on Mother's Day. For whatever reason though I found the next day to be rough and then the following one too, but slightly lesser. I haven't really been breaking down much or anything lately, but those two evenings were exceptions. I can't believe that it's been over a month now that she's gone. I think right now it's worse with the days being longer and the weather being nicer. My mom always hated the cold and she always hated how it got dark so early in the winter. As I think I said in an earlier post, the last full "normal" day that she ever had (meaning, waking up at home, going to work, etc.) was near the end of March, and while the sun certainly was out more it was -9 Celsius that morning and probably around +5 when I brought her home. For the last week or so it's been consistently around +20 and nothing but sun everyday. Mom wasn't really one to sit outside or anything much, but she'd be so happy right now with that.