Michael D.

Hello Linda, Thank you for your kind sentiments regarding Edward. I have a sister and a nephew that are supportive, along with fellow grievers in my local support group. That is about all the people I can tolerate right now. None of them can help return Ed, and their words can ring hollow. Edward was by best friend and confidant. When he was in the world I didn't need anyone else. I too experience so many memories in the hospital that I think will only lessen over time. After about 6 weeks in the hospital he had lost track of time, day v. night, etc. When they wanted to transfer him to a rehab hospital I had to say no, I wanted him home where i could take better care of him. I've worked in healthcare for many years and I just wanted him out of that place. That rabbit hole of constant testing, procedures, and no rest. Shortly after going home he became totally dependent for all of his care. We spent six months working very hard together, and then finally on February 8th of this year his body just gave out. I'm glad he was able to die at home, in my arms. I'll never be the same. I know right now everything has an unrelenting intensity for you. Everything reminds you of what you and JoAnn WERE, and that's all changed now, in the worst way possible. She still loves you, and doesn't want you to suffer so... Speak to her, tell her what you're going through. Ask for her help. The only way I've kept my sanity is to take everything moment to moment, and one day at a time. To think about 'the rest of my life' is simply too overwhelming. From what I've experienced and read about, most people seem to be in the painful intensity and shock for the first 6 months or so, and then once some of the shock wears off you can begin to catch your breath. That might be a good time to consider a grief support group. However, in my case, I begged to get into a support group two weeks after Ed died. I was desperate for connection with others that could help keep my afloat. Know that you're not alone. We are all grieving together. This blog is a great place to start. Try and read the many stories of others experience, it really does help. Peace be with you. Michael

Dearest Linda, my heart reaches out to you during your grief journey (and it is a journey...) for the loss of JoAnn. I'm glad to hear that you have taken the step to join a grief support group, and find a therapist too . Good job! Try and find at least one person that will really listen to you and not judge you in any way. My participation in a local grief support group has provided immeasurable growth, for me. I've been in group since the second week after Edward's passing. Sharing the pain of loss with others that know what you're experiencing in this moment provides a salve for hearts that are broken. My partner Edward passed five months ago. We shared a blessed love for 28 years. I can certainly relate to your hospital angst. I had to combat so many issues during hospital stays that I believe I now have hospital PTSD. The first few months were so painful. Like you, I literally could not catch my breath and thought I would die, but I didn't. We were each others' world, so we didn't have a large circle of friends and felt, and I still feel quite alone at times, but it has gotten better. Please be gentle with yourself. Try as best as you can to stay connected to whatever remnants you have of what you believe to be a Higher Power. That Benevolence is the only thing that can bring the return of the light into our lives. Looking inward is the key. People try hard to help us, but sadly, disappoint more often than not. But god bless them for trying. Steady yourself. Michael D.