Loss of a Partner

[LindaA]

I lost my partner on June 18th. I  cry uncontrollably can't catch my breath. I wonder what I did wrong in life or what we did wrong to have her taken away from me. How does someone go into the hospital to get treated for cancer and dies from the treatment instead of the cancer. It hurts so much I want to be with her.

How do keep living when everything I do, and see reminds me my JoAnn. I sleep on the couch cause I cannot not go into any of the  bedrooms I don't want to live without her. I was with her 24/7 in the hospital making sure they gave the appropriate medication, bed was clean, gotten up to help her breath, made sure she kept her oxygen on and suctioned when needed. So why was she taken from me. I feel like my heart is being ripped out of my chest!

 

[weaksoul]

Hi LindaA,
I am so sorry to hear about your loss. It's been 4 months since I have lost my wife. And I am still going thru the pain. We have to bear it somehow. It was extremely tough for me in the first couple of months but I can see a difference now. Though nominal but it's there. Please stay strong and make sure you have some besides you. Seek help/company from you distant friends/relatives even if you have to make a special request. 

There are lot of good people on this forum and I expect them to share their piece of advice and coping skills with you. May God give you strength and peace to go thru this tough time.

[LindaA]

Thank you weaksoul for your encouragement. I'm sorry for the loss of your wife as you know the pain is unbearable at times.

I try to get together with friends but every where I go and do reminds me of her and my heart hurts so much. I can't even go in the bedrooms. I  did join a grief support group and a therapist.

I also find myself not believing in a god anymore. I don't understand how a god can take away good loving souls and keep the horrible menacing souls still out on the street!

[kayc]

I am so sorry for your loss!  So heartbreaking.  My heart goes out to you, I lost my husband June 19, 2005, it was Father's Day and Juneteenth so all the tv ads and social media just accentuates that date.

I have always been an avid pray-er (have taught classes in prayer as well) but when I went through this it felt like my prayers were bounding off the wall of heaven.  After about a year I realized it was God that carried me but I couldn't see anything through my grief fog.  I don't think God personally takes them from us so much as crap happens and nothing fair about it...I too asked WHY for a long time, I never got any answers...and when that reunion day comes it will all be a moot point, all that will matter is that we are together again. My own religious belief is that Satan is in charge of this world right now but God will reign him in and things will change then!  I know, it may sounds simplistic, but it's what I've derived over my lifetime.  No idea why the bad people keep living, there's so many!

After all these years I still sleep on our recliner as our bed is an empty reminder...no idea why I find comfort in the recliner and not the bed, we spent many a time laying on our reclining loveseat together (no cupholder in the center, George didn't want that) holding hands and just being together.  Now I have a pillow in the middle and my puppy sleeps on the other side.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[LindaA]

Hi kayc,

Thank you for your response. My heart goes out to you as well in the loss of your husband George. It seems like the grief doesn't go away does it!

I use to be spiritual and pray. We even had a prayer circle for my partner of 33 years and the prayers for her were not answered. what so ironic is we had a prayer circle going for my niece who had the same cancer AML and she is doing well.

I'm glad you find comfort in the recliner, I use to but that was JoAnn's favorite  chair so now I sleep on my couch with my kitty Gracie. Do you find it hard to go back into an empty house after forcing yourself to get out with friends? I just break down in tears cause she is not here to share with and it is so lonely and empty.

It hurts so much I can't catch my breath!

Hugs

[weaksoul]

3 hours ago, LindaA said:

Hi kayc,

Thank you for your response. My heart goes out to you as well in the loss of your husband George. It seems like the grief doesn't go away does it!

I use to be spiritual and pray. We even had a prayer circle for my partner of 33 years and the prayers for her were not answered. what so ironic is we had a prayer circle going for my niece who had the same cancer AML and she is doing well.

I'm glad you find comfort in the recliner, I use to but that was JoAnn's favorite  chair so now I sleep on my couch with my kitty Gracie. Do you find it hard to go back into an empty house after forcing yourself to get out with friends? I just break down in tears cause she is not here to share with and it is so lonely and empty.

It hurts so much I can't catch my breath!

Hugs

Linda, you were very lucky to have 33 years with your partner, I only had just 16 years with my wife. I am thinking what if I had just few more years with her and it would have made a huge difference in my life. My 8 year old would have had few more years to enjoy her mother's love. 
I am not qualified to advise this but I think one thing we/humans should avoid is questioning the God's plans since we don't have the ability to see into the future. And our understanding of what truly is good for us is very limited. 

Just try to keep your faith alive. It is big source of strength when nothing else makes sense. Stay strong...

[LindaA]

Weaksoul, I am fortunate to have had my partner for as long as I did. I'm sorry your daughter lost her mother at such a young age and you only had 16years with her. Your faith must be strong! Maybe some day my faith will return. Wishing you and your daughter all the love and happiness for years to come.

[MartyT]

Religion and Spirituality in Grief

In Grief: When Faith and God Don't Make Sense

Why? Why Me? Searching for Answers in Grief

❤️

[kayc]

13 hours ago, LindaA said:

Do you find it hard to go back into an empty house after forcing yourself to get out with friends? I just break down in tears cause she is not here to share with and it is so lonely and empty.

The first few years were really tough, now I'm used to being alone and this place is my sanctuary. It's hard because we're in fire season (another fire started in neighboring vicinity) and I hate evacuations, did so twice last year and also the year before.

I understand your questioning faith, I totally get that, I was praying for George when I lost him.  Sometimes it's beyond us to understand or comprehend. I trust God will let me know when I'm there with him, if not, like I said, it'll be a moot point by then, George and I will be back together.  At any rate you can beat on His chest so to speak, and He's okay with that, He understands your broken heart...

[weaksoul]

11 hours ago, LindaA said:

Weaksoul, I am fortunate to have had my partner for as long as I did. I'm sorry your daughter lost her mother at such a young age and you only had 16years with her. Your faith must be strong! Maybe some day my faith will return. Wishing you and your daughter all the love and happiness for years to come.

Hi Linda,
Thank you for the good wishes and thoughts. And please don't mistake me, my faith is shaken as well and I am totally broken at the moment. I am barely going thru my day. But faith in God and knowing that he loves you no matter but is the only reasons why I am able to go thru my day.
Wish you peace and strength. Stay strong...

[Michael D.]

Dearest Linda, my heart reaches out to you during your grief journey (and it is a journey...) for the loss of JoAnn. I'm glad to hear that you have taken the step to join a grief support group, and find a therapist too . Good job! Try and find at least one person that will really listen to you and not judge you in any way.

My participation in a local grief support group has provided immeasurable growth, for me. I've been in group since the second week after Edward's passing. Sharing the pain of loss with others that know what you're experiencing in this moment provides a salve for hearts that are broken.

My partner Edward passed five months ago. We shared a blessed love for 28 years. I can certainly relate to your hospital angst. I had to combat so many issues during hospital stays that I believe I now have hospital PTSD. The first few months were so painful. Like you, I literally could not catch my breath and thought I would die, but I didn't. We were each others' world, so we didn't have a large circle of friends and felt, and I still feel quite alone at times, but it has gotten better.

Please be gentle with yourself. Try as best as you can to stay connected to whatever remnants you have of what you believe to be a Higher Power. That Benevolence is the only thing that can bring the return of the light into our lives. Looking inward is the key. People try hard to help us, but sadly, disappoint more often than not. But god bless them for trying.

Steady yourself.

Michael D.

 

 

 

 

[kayc]

@Michael D. Your post is very heartfelt.  My heart goes out to you in your loss...I've been here 18 years, since the loss of my husband, you've found a good place to be. 

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[LindaA]

On 7/26/2023 at 1:44 PM, Michael D. said:

Dearest Linda, my heart reaches out to you during your grief journey (and it is a journey...) for the loss of JoAnn. I'm glad to hear that you have taken the step to join a grief support group, and find a therapist too . Good job! Try and find at least one person that will really listen to you and not judge you in any way.

My participation in a local grief support group has provided immeasurable growth, for me. I've been in group since the second week after Edward's passing. Sharing the pain of loss with others that know what you're experiencing in this moment provides a salve for hearts that are broken.

My partner Edward passed five months ago. We shared a blessed love for 28 years. I can certainly relate to your hospital angst. I had to combat so many issues during hospital stays that I believe I now have hospital PTSD. The first few months were so painful. Like you, I literally could not catch my breath and thought I would die, but I didn't. We were each others' world, so we didn't have a large circle of friends and felt, and I still feel quite alone at times, but it has gotten better.

Please be gentle with yourself. Try as best as you can to stay connected to whatever remnants you have of what you believe to be a Higher Power. That Benevolence is the only thing that can bring the return of the light into our lives. Looking inward is the key. People try hard to help us, but sadly, disappoint more often than not. But god bless them for trying.

Steady yourself.

Michael D.

 

 

 

 

Hi Michael,

Thank you for sharing the lost of your partner Edward, I am sorry for your loss. I can totally relate with your hospital PTSD. I was with JoAnn 24/7 until she took her last breath. I keep getting these small flashbacks of all the scenes that took place from helping her sit on the edge of the bed to breath to suctioning her. I find myself having trouble to breathing every morning. Everyone tells me it gets easier as time moves on I just don't see it happening. Every thing in the house reminds me of her to the point I can't stand to live here. She was the love of my life just like you and Edward. I hope you have a good support system with friends and not feeling so much alone. Take care!

Linda

 

[Michael D.]

Hello Linda,
Thank you for your kind sentiments regarding Edward. I have a sister and a nephew that are supportive, along with fellow grievers in my local support group. That is about all the people I can tolerate right now. None of them can help return Ed, and their words can ring hollow. Edward was by best friend and confidant. When he was in the world I didn't need anyone else.

I too experience so many memories in the hospital that I think will only lessen over time. After about 6 weeks in the hospital he had lost track of time, day v. night, etc. When they wanted to transfer him to a rehab hospital I had to say no, I wanted him home where i could take better care of him. I've worked in healthcare for many years and I just wanted him out of that place. That rabbit hole of constant testing, procedures, and no rest.

Shortly after going home he became totally dependent for all of his care. We spent six months working very hard together, and then finally on February 8th of this year his  body just gave out. I'm glad he was able to die at home, in my arms. I'll never be the same.

I know right now everything has an unrelenting intensity for you. Everything reminds you of what you and JoAnn WERE, and that's all changed now, in the worst way possible. She still loves you, and doesn't want you to suffer so... Speak to her, tell her what you're going through. Ask for her help. The only way I've kept my sanity is to take everything moment to moment, and one day at a time. To think about 'the rest of my life' is simply too overwhelming.

From what I've experienced and read about, most people seem to be in the painful intensity and shock for the first 6 months or so, and then once some of the shock wears off you can begin to catch your breath. That might be a good time to consider a grief support group. However, in my case, I begged to get into a support group two weeks after Ed died. I was desperate for connection with others that could help keep my afloat.

Know that you're not alone. We are all grieving together. This blog is a great place to start. Try and read the many stories of others experience, it really does help.

Peace be with you.

Michael

 

 

 

[kayc]

My heart goes out to you both.

This is my first post here 18 years ago...

 

[LindaA]

Hi Michael,

I totally feel your pain and grief. No words or comforting thoughts will ever bring Edward or my JoAnn back. I to go to support groups and also seeing a grief therapist. JoAnn was my rock even though she always said I was hers. When life got rough for us we always said it was her and I against the world. My JoAnn was not in the hospital as long as your Edward, but hospitals definitely leaves me with bitter feelings. My mom's turned into a hospital law suite so my PTSD just kicked in with JoAnn. I was with her when she took her last breath and that will always stay with me. I wanted so much to bring life back into her! I cannot even begin to imagine what it was like for you to take care of your loved one for so long and have him pass in your arms. I have no idea who I am without my loved one, I can't even figure out how to live alone on my own anymore. I just want her home and I know that is not going to happen.

Your suggestion to read the stories of others experiences does help a little but at the same brings sadness and pain to my heart.

Take care Michael

Linda