clrw

I think in these sort of situations, there is no right answer. No matter what, I think we feel guilt. My father died in front of me... practically in our arms and to this day I can't help but wonder what I could have done different? What if I had said something, when I'd noticed he wasn't looking well? what if what if? I say this not to diminish your feelings - I truly feel sorry for you and wish that you were not required to go through this situation. I hope you can find a way to heal & come to the understanding that it was not your fault. You were doing your best to help your mom... Take care.

Thank you Only Child - I will be sure to check your post... you have found a wonderful site to come and express yourself. It's a relief to have people who understand what you are going through & how you are feeling... I hope you find it as helpful as I have.

I am so sorry for you Shell - you have been a wonderful help to me... I hope that I can reciprocate in some manner...

Shell, That's a wonderful way to think about it... thank you for sharing that chris

Thank you Shell... I find it almost mystifying how a song can bring back a rush of memories... I have this quote in my bedroom about how life is full of memories & how sometimes it's all we have that will last... I read that & think of dad... I have a tonne of wonderful memories

It is astonishing to think of how far we've come... each bad day I get through, I marvel at my ability to do so. You just look back and think: "wow, how did that happen?"... I'm sorry for your pain & I wish I could say "it'll get better"... (I'm sure it will... I'm just not at that *point* yet)

Yes, that is a good one... or "I want you to live" by George Canyon. If I'm having a particularly bad day - I put that one on (bawl my eyes out) and afterwards I feel better... dunno why or how... it's almost as if my dad is talking to me

DawnG.... You were helpful - you let me know that I'm not alone... and at times like this, I think that's all we can hope for. I don't think any of us have "answers" (at least not answering what we are *really* asking), so all we can do is talk to each other... take advice from each other & know that we are not alone. And for that, I thank you... I am so sorry about your mom, and I hope you (like me) will one day be able to find our way again. Thank you Lori

Thank you for sharing that Lori... It truly does make sense & I honestly do hope with time I will be able to believe again...

Thank you all for responding... I was away on a 2-day work trip... that is why I haven't answered Lori - I understand what you mean... and I appreciate your kind words. What a strong person you are! Rosanne - that is exactly how I feel!!! You just expressed what I had been trying to say... thank you for sharing your story with me We all have our blue days - but I hope we can all continue to move forward

Thank you MartyT, I will be sure to check out that post I don't think I'm going through quite the same thing... I do have a belief, I'm just having problems coming to terms with the fact that "MY GOD" could do such a thing (I do believe there is a heaven, and I do believe that is where my dad is... I just don't understand the hows & whys of it) But thank you... I will go through it and see what I can take from it

Thank you Shell, I hope I can find that place again... *hugs*

I know it's been quite awhile since I last posted - but I have been on (lurking) reading up on how everyone else is doing and I find myself bowled over with the amount of faith some of you have... and I don't understand it. I'm not trying to be disrespectful - before my father passed away I was a quasi-active Christian (I say quasi, only because I didn't go to church every week... or even every month for that matter, but I did... or do? believe in God). Since dad passed away, I've had a very hard time even entertaining the idea of going to church... it's a small congregation, so everyone knows everyone and I just don't know if I can deal with their concern/empathy/or what have you (I hope this makes sense... I know he is gone, and I know I can't change it... but the thought of people coming up and asking how I'm doing just tears at my heart... yes it's been 7 months... 7 months & 13 days to be exact... but I just don't want to have to explain again & again & again that "I'm okay... " "getting by"... etc) That and I am having a *very* hard time coming to grips with the fact that God, my God, could take someone *so* special and *so* good and *so* honest and *so* young... away from me. I find myself comparing my father to other people's fathers & wondering "why not him?" I guess what I'm trying to ask (in a very disorganized manner)... is how do you reach down & find that faith? How do you believe in God again, after something like this? At the point I am in right now, I don't know when or if I'll ever to believe again... I want to, I want to believe. Because if I believe that there is a God, then I can believe that there is a heaven, and then I can believe that I *WILL* see my father again... and yet I wonder - if there is a God, why on earth would he take such a wonderful & loving person??? How could he inflict such pain on my family?? I just don't understand the "point"?!?!

I didn't dream about my daddy for quite some time after he passed away (January 20th, 2007)... but maybe 3mths ago I started having dreams with him them (I find them nonsensical... and most times they just confuse the heck out of me) I know I hoped/prayed & wanted very badly the "hear" from daddy... I hate to say this, but just give it time... I felt it was almost as if the harder I tried to hear/see something from him, the more elusive it was. I wish you all the best & am sorry for your loss... *hugs*

feeling-lost, Thank you, you are *so* right, I know when the time comes for us to start a family it will be bittersweet... I'm sorry that your dad passed away so suddenly - I have mixed feelings about that. It makes me feel better to know that my dad didn't suffer, and yet I am somewhat envious of those that had the chance to say good-bye. I guess what is best for them (our loved ones) isn't always best for us, I find that because he was "here" one minute & "gone" the next, I have a very very hard time believing it was real, there was no preparation whatsoever... we didn't even see it coming. I wish you all the best & hope that in time we can come to terms with what happened. -clrw

Yeah - absolutely! It's now a matter of quality vs. quantity. I can count on one hand the number of goodfriends that I have. The rest, are merely acquaintances. I think it's definitely a step in the right direction, that we know/can admit this...

Thanks Shell - I do believe you're right... when we end up putting more effort & time into a relationship, it doesn't just affect us. But the relationships we have with our other friends (and family members). My outlook on those things has changed too... I think if you can't make time for me (or understand why my time is so valuable) than I don't have time for you. Thanks for your kind words - I'm sorry about your mom (and dad) Hugs...

Not long after my dad died - maybe a month or so - came out. I was driving home from a particularly bad day at work (just felt miserable & overwhelmed... ) anyways, I don't know if anyone else is like this but I always have my radio on... and sometimes it's just background noise, I don't actually *hear* what is playing... well this song came on & I had to pull over onto the shoulder of the road. Every single time I hear it, it brings me to tears & yet at the same time... I feel better for it. I feel as if my daddy was talking to me though the song. Artist/Band: Canyon George Lyrics for Song: I Want You To Live Lyrics for Album: Somebody Wrote Love When she got the news The phone hit the floor She fell to her knees and cried his name He had just kissed her lips And both of the kids Their lives will never be the same At the end of her hardest day The only words she could say were Chorus: I want you to live, I want you to love I wanna go back to the way it was To hear you say my name again I wanna see your smile again I want you to live Takes all of her strength to go through his things It feels like she’s holdin’ him again The letters he wrote the books that he’d read and some of the shirts still have his scent The picture in Florida she holds to her heart and cries out loud Chorus: I want you to live, I want you to love I wanna go back to the way it was To hear you say my name again I wanna see your smile again I want you to live Bridge Lying awake in the middle of the night Trying not to let the kids hear her cry She prays for answer or some little sign She closes her eyes and swears she hears him say I want you to live, I want you to love I want you to go on and not give up I want you to live, I want you to try I want you to know that I’m alright I want you to fall in love again I wanna see you smile again and again I want you to live I find that "Ticks" by Brad Paisley also makes me think of dad (to totally understand what I mean, you'd have to know my father... he loves country & is just a saucy bugger... the first time I heard that song I immediately thought "that's DAD!!") I also find "Amarillo Sky" by Jason Aldean makes me think of dad... It amazes me sometimes the power that a song has over our emotions... how one chord, one chorus can just bring back a whole slew of memories

Hi Lindsay - My heart absolutely aches for you... everything you have said you are feeling - is pretty much how I feel on a day to day basis! My daddy passed away in January - unlike with your mom, it was sudden... very sudden! He had been to the doctor not 10 days before (for his yearly physical) and was deemed healthy as a horse!! I wish I had some wise words to share, and some ideas on how to heal... but I'm pretty much feeling my way through it too! I do recommend that you listen to "I want you to live" by George Canyon, it breaks my heart, and brings me to tears everytime I hear it... but somehow, I feel better. I dunno, maybe it's just me, but I feel as if my dad is talking to me through the song! I got some pretty good advice from my pastor - keep a journal... that way when I'm feeling particularly down (and I seem to be in a down period right now) I can look back and see that my down days/times are farther & fewer than before. It does help... it's nice to see progress of some sort, but I'll admit somedays I like feeling bad. Because it's as if feeling good means I don't miss dad. And I do! I still expect him to be sitting in his spot at the kitchen table drinking a coffee, or coming in the back door - when I go to visit mom... This spring was *so* hard on us all (my family farms)seeing my brothers & uncles in the field, and knowing that dad wasn't with them... it just felt so wrong & so unfair! As you can see - I'm not very good at the whole advice thing... taking, or giving it! I do wish you all the best, and please know that there will be times that you just feel like you can't move, your heart is breaking so much, but.... it will pass. It will! And that's okay, not hurting doesn't mean you don't love your mom. In fact, I think our parent's (my dad, your mom) want nothing more than for us to go on and live a full life... I hope I was of some help... take care!

Shell, Loro, Haley & Lori - I can't imagine saying that to someone "when are you going to get over it?", sometimes people mystify me in their inability to empathize. I'm not asking for them to understand how I feel, or to share my feelings... but I would some understanding that this is a difficult time for me. I have friends that I rarely talk to now, they just don't understand how to be supportive of me & I can't be bothered to try to make things work - because it feels to me as if they don't care. I appreciate that I'm not the only one believing that there will have to be a new normal - it's weird to think that one point in my life can completely alter who I am! And as for those that wonder when I'll get over it - I do try to explain that I spent 24yrs with my dad... (it was *just before my 24th birthday)... that's a lot of time/love&memories to just move on from... I'm grateful for two things - we were there with dad, so he wasn't alone or with strangers - and I believe this will enable me to be more understanding when people I know go through a similar situation (I guess grateful might be too much of a word... I'd rather not understand their feelings & still have my dad, horrible? I know...) but I guess if any good could come of it, it eases the pain that some day I'll be able to help someone... because as everyone has said - unless you have experienced it, you don't have a clue. Thank you for your kind words & understanding

Thank you Derek - your kindness is... well touching & greatly appreciated. I am very sorry for your loss, but thankful for your understanding...

My father passed away in January - and to say that it has been difficult to deal with may very well be the understatement of the century! I suppose I should give some background... I'm 24y/o, and married... my father was 53 when he passed away. I know I'm old enough to "be on my own" (and have been independent for quite some time), I just never imagined that I would be going through this so soon. My father was a healthy man, his cholesterol was fine, blood pressure normal... he worked his butt off all his life to provide for his family - and suddenly (in front of his wife, and kids) he just goes down (for lack of a better term)... there wasn't a d*mn thing that we could do! I feel *so* cheated, my father will never get to know his grandkids (he'd been teasing us all for sometime that he wasn't getting any younger... and he'd like some grandkids soon)... he won't see my one brother get married... There are days where I see how much pain my mother is in, and I'd gladly trade places with dad... I just wish (at the very least) we could turn back time... that we'd know it was going to happen and we'd get him fixed up. We are a close family - always have been - but it almost feels as if the glue that held us together is gone... I don't know what to do without him... I feel so very lost & alone. Most of my friends don't understand how I'm feeling & don't get why I'm not "okay" yet... or why I seem different. I try to explain to them that I don't know if I'll ever be "okay" again & and that I am different! I don't know how to be that person again. And not to be rude or disrespectful, but I do believe I've had enough of "you have to be strong for your mother", what about me? When do I get to feel the loss? I love mom with all my heart - and I will be there for in the best way I know how, but at the same time I can't deny how I feel... I know my loss is nothing compared to hers. I know that at the end of the day I have a loving husband to curl up to, and it shames me... but sometimes I think "what about me?" I was always a daddy's girl... and I am having a very hard time seeing how my life will be without him. My MIL said something the other day (a month or two ago) that really just made my heart drop... I was telling her how it hurts so much to think of life without my daddy, and she told me that I do have a daddy... (my husbands dad) and I know it was well-meaning... and that she was trying to be comforting and thoughtful but all I thought was... "but he's not MY daddy!" (wow I really did 'go on' there! I just want to close by mentioning that I have lurked on these forums for some time... there are some posts that just rip my heart out and I cry a bucket of tears, and there are some that make me smile & think of dad. I hope that by adding my story here, that someone else will be able to take comfort in what I'm going through, much like I have been comforted by what other's are going through - it is nice to know we're not alone)