Scotty

Woke up again today hoping it was terrrible nightmare, but no, still the same pain in the pit of my stomach. Bitterly cold, ran out to garage/workshop for my morining smoke. Yep, even with Kates death, smoking holds some comfort. I remember Kates doctor telling me that I should quit "cause the same could happen to you". How I wish that would come true. Kate was an avid gardner and stoneware potter. Her gardens are covered in 2' of snow right now. Don't what the hell I'm supposed to do come Spring. Every year, she always wanted to expand them. I'd dig and till up the earth add fresh soil and she'd plant away with her new finds of perennials. I always thought the bigger the gardens, the less lawn for me to cut :-). The gardens were hers and I did the lawn. The nicer the grass was, the better her gardens looked, and vise versa. I know nothing about flowers. When she got into pottery, I set her up in my workshop. How the guys at work teased me. "A mans workshop is his domain" etc. I wouldnt of had it any other way. On days like this, we'd both be out there, her throwing pots on her wheel, and me tinkering with a dozen projects and repair jobs. Some times I'd even complete them :-). I go out there now and her pottery wheel is empty, shelves lined with pots ready to fired in the kiln. Tubs of different glazes with funky names. Lord how I miss her Scotty

"land of nanook" Thanks Bob, made me smile, considering this evening I shovelled the driveway. Not that there was much there, just a dusting of fresh snow on top of the frozen stuff. -20 Celsisus, a tad bit chilly but the bit of fresh air and exercise did feel good. In another 6 hours, it will be exactly 2 weeks since I left the hospital for the last time. 04:00 in the morning. Kate had been there a month. New years eve was when the doc had the heart to heart talk with me and explained that everything that could be done had been done and it was time to make her has comfortable as possible and have her die peacefully. He guesstimated a week, she lasted til Jan 10th. She always was good at defying the doctors. Damn I miss her Scotty

Thanks everybody for the kind words and replies. A couple we used to hang out with invited me over this afternoon for coffee. Wasn't going to go, but then then thought it would be better than brooding around the house all day. It's not like I had anything better to do. I lasted about an hour before I made a hastily retreat before I turned into a blubbering idiot. Not quite the same visiting friends anymore. No one there to give a flirtatious wink to, or even to smile back at me. This is going to be a long haul, not sure if I'm up to it or not. Scotty

Well, tomorrow it will be 2 weeks since I lost my wife Kate. I'm trying to take comfort that in the fact that after a year and 1/2 battle with lung cancer, we had a really good year together. She did the radiation and chemo and rebounded remarkably well. She even returned to work. But 4 months ago it had spread to her brain and it was a downhill battle ever since. Trying to keep busy looking after a 1000 details, but the pain is unbearable. Time supposedly heals all wounds and I know not enough time has gone by yet to judge, but this idea of going through life just surviving instead of living, not quite sure how to deal with that. One day at a time. Thanks for listening. Scotty