Scotty

Thanks Karen Not that I'm having any good days yet, but this one sure is worse than others in the past. Thought I was getting past the "would ofs", "could ofs", and "should ofs", but apparently not. I try to keep telling myself thats its still early but it doesnt seem to help for the present. Oh well, one day at a time. ...Scotty

What a miserable day today. Starting my 2nd week back to work doing nightshifts. Finished this morn, slept a few hours and spent most of the day sobbing like a baby. Dont know what thats about, didn't feel this bad yesterday when I awoke. Strange how emotions kind of sneak up on you and slap you in the face. Hopefully I'll get it together before my shift tonight. ....Scotty

Hi Kim That is a beautiful gesture. No doubt its going to be an especially hard day for you. Hang in there. Your in my thoughts Take care ...Scotty

Hey PattyAnne I'm guessing there are a few of us alone this Easter. Friends are all busy getting on with own lives I'm assuming. I'm trying to treat it as just another day to get through. I'm also noticing a difference in the way friends are viewing me now that I'm alone. Don't know if seeing me brings on their own memories they have to deal with or what the story is. Either way I try not to view so much as inconsideration but as ignorance to the situation. Unless you've been through what we're going through, its hard to understand it. I know I never did before. Take care ...Scotty

Thanks Kim, Your words of encouragement and support are meaningful. I feel like an autonomous robot, just going through the motions. I'm still amazed at the similarities we all share. There is some comfort in knowing we are not totally alone. Your "firsts" sre coming before mine. I have til Sept. to worry about her birthday and anniversary. I'm not looking forward to those either but we will get through them I guess. I'm working nights shifts through this Easter weekend. Thankful for that, at least it will come and go a bit more quickly. Occupational hazard is working through a lot of the holidays. Kate and I would celebrate them when our schedules allowed. Now I think I'll bypass them all together. Anyways, I'm rambling. Take care .......Scotty

Thanks Karen and Bob Moving on is a tough one. At this point I dont see a way how to, or even if I want to. Still doing the one day at a time thing, but each day seems to be getting harder and harder. There's a few details I still have to wait for and attend to. I cant even inter Kates' ashes til the end of next month when the snow finally goes, our headstone to be delivered sometime at the end of May. A lawyers appoinment in 2 weeks to change my will, have Kates' name removed from the house, etc. I've almost finished all the home renovations I'm qualified to do. Have contractors coming in next week to redo the kitchen. Once all this stuff is in order, I'm going to assess my situation and see where I stand. Something Kate knew and I'm beginning to understand is I dont do very well alone. ....Scotty

This is going to be a lot tougher than I imagined. Started back to work last week and barely making it through. Kate used to work there too and I knew it was going to be hard, but not sure if I can do this or not. Friends at work try to be supportive, but if you haven't been through this, its hard to know what to say or do. I used to look forward to the shift ending and heading home. Now, I dont want to be there, but I dont want to go back to an empty house. Last few years I've become disenchanted with the work place, but it didnt matter, I had an excellent home life. Now I dont have either. Dont ever remember being this scared or such a feeling of being alone before. .....Scotty

Hi Kim I haven't been here for awhile either, apparently for the same reasons. Having a hell of my time myself after losing Kate 2 months ago. Seems strange that when the hurt builds, we shy away from this board and the people that care til we're about to explode. You special days coming up are just some of the firsts we all have to go through. Hang in there and we're all here for you. .......Scotty

Lily Thank you for putting into words what I could not. The sense of "alone" is overwhelming. My daughter lives with her mother from a previous marriage. She turns 18 this June. Kates 2 daughters which lived with us are 20 and 22. They both cut and ran as soon as the insurance check came in. For 16 years I helped raise them and thought of them as my own. A double slap in the face I'm trying to deal with. In the course of a month I go from a family man to somebody who has the face rest of his life alone. My only hope is one of the universities my own daughter has applied to is close to me and hopes to move in with me next Fall. How I would like to see that come through. Like you, I think I have people convinced I'm doing better because every day I manage to eat, shower and shave, and am even fixing up the house. Everybody is delighted I'm going back to work next week. As a Correctional Officer, going back to work is not going be an easy adjustment, especially when Kate worked there too. We were both loners of a sort, although Kate was always more social than I. We were happy just being together at home, her with her gardens and pottery, and me with my puttering and projects I'd dream up. She had 7 years left to retire and I have 10. We were so looking forward to it. Now at the age of 47, I dont even look forward to tomorrow. Last year I was living. Now I'm just surviving. I've almost completed most of the details that I think of. My pension and life insurance policies have been taken care of. Still need to see a lawyer and get my will updated. I purchased a head stone last week and will inter her ashes whenever the snow here goes away. Everybody says take it one day at a time, but struggling every day just to get by, sure does get tiresome. I do long for the days when there was actually something to look forward to. ....Scotty

Hi Gail. I know what you mean about how the grief suddenly sneaks up you. I didnt realize it did that it still happens a year later. Not much to look forward to. I see the weather forcast has your area being hit hard again. I cant wait til Spring. Although there are about a dozen perennial gardens that are going to need tending to and I know little about them. Another learning curve I'm ot looking forward to. Take care .....Scotty

Thanks for the replies. It is comforting to know that I'm not alone with these thoughts. Been a bad day today. No particular reason that I know of, just one of those should of, could of, wish I'd, days. Hoping tomorrow is better. ....Scotty

Been almost 2 months since the death of wife and best friend. I find my thoughts occupied with my own death. No, I'm not suicidal, just I've been working the past month on the house remodelling and painting, just trying to keep busy. All I can think about is that if I fix up the old place, my daughter can get the maximum return on it when I die and when she sells it. I get to thinking that I have to get my affairs in order so when I pass on, things will go smoothly for every one concerned. Am I losing my mind? ....Scotty

Hey J So sorry for your loss of your wife. I lost my better half Jan. 10 after a year and 1/2, battling lung and eventually brain cancer. The pain and the states of delirium near the end sound all to familiar. My understanding is it will get some what easier as time goes on, but I not even close to that point yet. For the time being, its just one day at a time. Concentrating on your girls will hopefully provide some degree of comfort. This site is proving to be very helpful. There are a lot of good people here who, at the very least share your pain and understand what your going through. Unless someone has experienced this first hand, it's hard for them to even imagine what your going through. Take care ...Scotty

Hi Rosella Enjoy the trip as much as you can. A change in scenery can't hurt. We'll all be here when you get back Take care ......Scotty

Thanks Karen, I cant imagine getting to where you and others are right now. I've had tragedies in my life, but nothing even comes close to this. Maybe next week it will be more bareable. ..Scotty

This is one tough go. Been a little over a month now and I feel worse than ever. When you are so devoted to the other person, how are you supposed to go on with life? I've been barely surviving one day to the next. All our plans, hopes and dreams for the future are gone. I'm suppose to go back to work next month. Don't know, I'm trying to do this one day at a time thing, but awfully hard to go from bad to worse days all the time. Sorry for the whining, just been a bad week Scotty

Hey Rosella I hate to use a corny phrase but it really is just one day at a time. It hasn't gotten much easier yet, but it is still early. I'm slowly coming to grip with the idea that it will never be the same. Volunteering sounds like a wonderful thing to do. The empty house syndrome is a tough one to deal with. I leave the T.V. on most of the time to add some background noise when I come home. There are some really good people here. No one has a magic solution to our grief, but we all share the same pain here, and it does help. Its amazing all the emotions you feel and comforting to know your not alone in dealing with them. Take care .....Scotty

I know what your talking about, Gail. I have all this time off work, a thousand projects we wanted to get done around the house, and I find myself sitting here without the ambition to do anything. Nobody around to give me the pat on the back if I do a good job. I feel good that at least I got this washing machine thing figured out. Never realised how much of a spoiled brat I was. Although tongue in cheek she told me often enough. Someday I'll get started. Painting, staining and redoing the kitchen, now thats something to be proud of. Take care Scotty

Thanks Teny Thats quite the shop you have set up there. The pieces are beautiful. Some day I may be consulting you about finishing her pieces. She tried teaching me how to throw on the wheel, but I could never get the knack for it. I always thought of that as her domain anyway. I remember once I tried feebishly to glaze one of her plates. I think I had glaze covering every square foot of the shop. She had a good laugh over that one. Pretty lousy day today. A little hesitant to go anywhere in case I start blubbering. Maybe tomorrow will be better. ....Scotty

Yep, Kate was talented. She got into painting many years ago, and when she discovered pottery, I encouraged her to combine the 2. Cupboards are full of coffee mugs, serving bowls etc. I'm really starting to hate weekends, not that the weekdays are much better. No plans for today. I better come up with something to occupy my time. I miss her so much Scotty

I would like to see some of your wifes pots .As all friends here you have to try day by day.Thinking of you TENY Thanks Teny, I've attached a pic of one of Kates early creations that happen to be on my computer. This was only her hobby. Something she really enjoyed doing after work and excelled at. Someday, I'd like to think I'd be able to finish her pieces left on the shelves. Some are just air dryed, others have been bisque fired and just waiting to be glazed and fired. Her disasters or failures as she put it, usually ended up in her flower gardens as ornamentals. Take care Scotty[attachmentid=242]

Not shaping up to a very good day today. Not that any are, today just seems to be worse. The fear of everything is unexpected for me. Kinda like flying with out a net. Before Kate died, it didn't matter what life threw at us, together we'd get through it and eventually get back to normal. Now, my "normal" is gone and terrified of what the new normal is going to be. Scotty

Hi Suzanne, what Bob says is correct. The registration on our motorcycle was joint with a "/" between the names. Regardless, I dont believe its a critical issue or something that has to be dealt with immediately. Not sure why, but for me, its just one of the loose ends that needs tying up. Spending most of time thinking of what has to be done. I'm sorry if this caused you any undue concern. Scotty

Thank you Gail for your posts. I know I'm not even close to being where you are yet, been just 2 weeks for me, but it is encouraging to see that somehow it does get easier to manage. Wish i could just sleep and fast forward to a couple of years from now. Scott

Spent most of the afternoon at the vehicle registration office. We bought a motorcycle in 2001 and spent many miles cruising around the province together. Wasn't sure if she would like it, but being the trooper she was, she fell in love with it. Never drove, she was just content being my co pilot. For some reason that escapes me, it was registered in both our names. Spent 40 minutes waiting for my turn to come up at the office so I could have her name removed from the registration. Was suppose to turn her driving license over at the same time, but spent the forty minutes staring at her picture on it. When it was turn to get to the wicket window, I explained that my wife had passed away and what I was there for. The girl promptly looked after all the details and when she was done asked if I wanted to cancel her drivers license too. I sheepishly slid Kates drivers license into my pocket and told her maybe another time and left. Admittly a horrible picture of Kate, but think I'll just keep it in my wallet for a while. Scotty