Rosemary T

Hi,

Here is what I am wondering....does your cousin even know about your sister's plans? If yes, how does she feel about it? I would be furious if I came to visit family as a new widow and someone planned this type of gathering for me. I would refuse to come! Now maybe that sounds selfish but I have to tell you that I have been through enough turmoil these past few months that I AM going to put me first! The only other person I would have any additional consideration for would be you (my cousin who also lost her loved one). Being surrounded by that many people would scare me to death at this point.

Ok, I'm done being a "B". I hope you have a wonderful, and RELAXING visit with your cousin.

Rosemary

Hi Marsha,

The first few months after Lou died I did not get very much sleep at all. In fact during the first week he died I slept a total of 8 hours in 7 days! I was a walking zombie. I was also all alone in the house and people who saw me would try to encourage me to go to the doctor. I was getting lost while driving and putting the phone in the Fridge.

I refused to seek any medical help and it is a wonder that I did not wreck the car or have some kind of a total breakdown and end up in the hospital or worse!

I would not recommend my way to anyone. But without anyone here to "force" me to do the right thing I was pretty much on my own to "handle it". I did a lot of praying and reading I can tell you. My cats were the only ones who knew how "crazy" I really was!

I am only into my 10 month now so I am probably not the best person to tell you what to expect. Especially since everyone is so different. All I know is everyone here does know the pain and can relate. Keeping checking in here. It is a great place to vent and get feedback from those who really understand.

Hang in there!

Rosemary

Hi Jan,

I also have never considered myself "religious" but I did think I was "spiritual". Like you and others who express a "bewilderment" of it all, I question God all the time now. I sure don't feel very "spiritual" or feel like I have any "faith" anymore. I find myself praying and then just begging to hear or feel something so that I can go back to believing that everything will work for the good and that there is a purpose for all of this grief and hurting.

I keep telling myself that I have no right to question the ALMIGHTY and that I should be ashamed to think that I have any way of understanding one who is OMNIPOTENT.

Again, I have to thank you (as I have so many others on this site) for expressing EXACTLY what I feel. It gives me more comfort than you can imagine to know that I am not alone in my feelings about a GOD that I once thought I knew, loved, and understood. I can only do this one day at a time and reading posts like yours help me to know that there are many of us in this together and feeling the same thing.

Take care!

Rosemary

Corrine,

Thanks so much for your words of wisdom about the whole "dating" thing. I can't even THINK about being with anyone now that my soulmate is gone. I am terribly lonely but just can't imagine anyone taking his place.

A friend (well not really) of mine whose husband died within a month of mine (he had cancer) really made me feel bad when she chided me about still wearing my wedding rings. This was 3 months ago and of course I am still wearing them. They give me comfort and I see no reason to take them off. I am married to Lou. I know he is dead but that does not change the fact that I am his wife. This lady looked at me like I was crazy when I seemed confused by her questioning me wearing the ring. She also had started putting her dead husbands things on ebay about a week after he died. It took me 7 months to even move his clothes out of our Master closet and I only did that because my parents were coming to stay with me and we needed the room for their clothes in the other closets that I was using for winter wear.

I felt so odd talking to her. She was moving right along getting on with her life and made me feel like something was really wrong with me. Even now when I go in the bathroom, Lou's colonge and shaving stuff is right there on the counter. She implied I might need counseling. I haven't seen her since then. We really are in different places with our grief and I don't think I make her comfortable and I know she does not do it for me. Too bad; I was really thinking we might be a comfort to one another.

It sounds like you really have been through a lot and I envy you having your girls to make what was a bad situation really work for the good. God has a way of taking ALL things and making them work toward the good. I hope to find out what that good is in terms of my situation. I would really like this to be revealed now but it is not up to me to determine that.

Thanks again for sharing. I feel a little better!

Rosemary

Hi Ployd!

When I read what you and Kath did I can see that maybe my way was hard but perhaps the right thing for me.

I went home from the ER by myself after kissing my beloved Lou good bye for the last time (he had a massive heart attack while I was with him) and for 7 months I came home to an empty house each evening after work. I planned the entire memorial service myself and took care of all the business with the Social Security office, credit reports, etc with no one by my side. I can't begin to tell you how lonely and devastating this was for me. Everything was so quiet and all I could do was cry and wait for the sun to come up so that I had to get up and go to work again. Perhaps this long bout of tremendous grief has to be gone through. Either at the beginning or if you overload on activities, sometime later!

We are all feeling it; the anger, loneliness, despair, fear, etc. I come here to vent and to hear about others experiences. Fred has shared things that have made me reconfirm that I need to wait a long time before gradually making friends again. For me this is best because things are too raw for me to jump in just yet. I am a firm believer that people need to really listen to their own "inner voice" and do what really "feels right" and not mimic anyone else or listen to those well meaning but clueless co-workers or friends that have no concept.

The folks here are the best to vent and gain insight from but ultimately you have to go with your GUT!!! You are unique. Your situation is unique. NO ONE had what you had and NO ONE feels exactly like you. Folks in here come the closest to understanding though and are the ones with the best "listening ears".

My heart is broken and I know yours is too. Thank you for sharing your grief, it makes us all realize we are not alone!

Rosemary

PattyAnn,

I'll tell you what bothers me more than anything is the fact that I just can't seem to muster up enough energy to even CARE if anyone wants to see me or not. I also have noticed that no one contacts me but unlike you I do not go to a church or other organization that can "slight me". The one place that Lou and I frequented was the bowling alley where he worked for almost 50 years (yes, he WORKED there that long!). He was 18 when he started there and almost 68 when he died and he loved that place. Well it was "that place" that (in my opinion) caused his death so I won't even drive by let alone go in now that he is gone.

Will I ever be like you and crave more human companionship? I mean I do get lonely sometimes and wish for friendship and socialization but it fades quickly and I go back to not giving a crap real fast!

You are doing well by craving the normal part of being human. You will find people who love you and appreciate you for who you are. I can tell just reading your post that this will happen because of your sweet and caring spirit. Have you thought about looking for a new church home where you can make "new" friends? I asked because sometimes people think things like tragedy will "rub off" if they get too close and that is why they avoid the person who reminds them of their own immortality and lack of control over their life. People hate to be reminded of the shortness and fragile nature of the human condition; avoiding those that have "lost" someone helps then act like an ostrich (pretend it isn't happening by not dealing with it).

Best wishes to you!

Rosemary

All special days seem to hit me pretty hard too. The first Valentine's Day without Lou was very hard. Of course it was also only 2 weeks after his death. But that was a day that I always tried to show Lou in extra special ways how much I loved him. People at his work always knew they would be asked to help out on that day by bringing him gifts, cards, notes, etc throughout the day. I had so much fun with it and he got such a "kick" out of it too.

Thanksgiving was another day that my Lou absolutely loved. I would have all the people closest to him over and planned very elaborate feasts. He loved familiy, friends and food and I think it was probably his favorite day because all of that combined with great football games left him quite content.

I miss Lou so much and those special days bring the loss of his companionship so close.

Is Sweetest Day like Valentine's Day? I have never heard of it.

Rosemary

Hi Cheryl Lee!

Although I did not start a new job (I am an assistant principal) at a middle school and a graduate instructor for UOP online, I noticed that because there were so many changes at school this year, it has kept me VERY busy. This really is a blessing because at least for a good portion of the day (M - F anyway) I am diverted from thinking too much about my loss. Oh, there are still the pictures of me and my precious Lou together in my office but they are reminders of great times unless I look for too long, then they become reminders of all that is gone!

I wish you the best in your new endeavor!

Hi Barb,

I remember not too long ago when I was "new here". The death of my husband was also very unexpected and I have also not gone through all the first's yet (first Thanksgiving not together, first Christmas not together, etc).

I'm not really ready to give anyone advise yet, (too messed up myself) but I sure can relate and say that NO ONE can feel exactly what you do because your situation was unique to you and your wonderful husband. This is however the closest you will probably come (I still have not been able to meet with people like me face-to-face and probably shouldn't yet)to meeting people who really feel most like you and understand your pain.

I wish you the best in what will be a painful and sometimes seemingly unbearably long (every minute seems like an eternity to me) journey.

Rosemary

I had several visits from Lou for the first few months after he died, but nothing for awhile now. The visions were so real, I could actually feel his skin and the heat from his body beneath my hand or arm whatever part was touching him. I could smell him and was positive he was there and then I would seem to jerk and "awake" but it sure did not seem like a dream while it was happening.

The week he died I had several red cardinels come and cling to the screen and just look at me while I was on the patio. They took a long time to fly away and let me very close.

I also found my tennis shoes with the strings tied together (something Lou did) so I don't think you are crazy. Not sure what to make of all of it though!

Rosemary

Hello Teny!

I just want you to know that your words are very powerful. They expressed EXACTLY how I feel each and every day. A person does not have to write using perfect grammar or spelling. In fact some of the most eloquant pieces of writing have left me feeling nothing more than admiration for their skill.

When words come from the heart (as yours so obviously do) and they reflect a person's inner-most feelings, they are more meaningful than anything written by someone who really does not know or understand what the reader has gone through.

Since each person's experience is different, most of us relate best to those whose feelings are most like ours! You have written something that touched me deeply. I thank you!

Maybe one day you will take a visit to the USA and some of us may get to meet you! I live in Orlando Florida, so let me know if you ever come this way!

Rosemary

Just a thought.....

Maybe you could text back and say....

"I'm sorry, could you remind me again which one you are so I can mark you off my list?"

Marty and Barb,

Thanks for the info. I will certainly check out everything. I will take my time before getting involved though.....I know me!

I do not take offense to anything posted here. Why? Because I so appreciate how no one takes offense to my ranting and ravings....but rather supports my right to grieve and feel whatever it is I need to.

If there is anything I am discovering in this forum it is that everyone has different ways of expressing grief and that all feelings regardless of how different they are, are OK! We also do not know all the different situations that each person here is in, so what may seem logical to one simply will not work for another. That is OK too.

Great idea! I'll try it even though that is the hospital that I was in (emergency room) with Lou when he died so it might be hard going into the parking lot. Maybe I'll try a different Hospital!

Funny, you should mention Mrs. Charley in your post. I thought about her and when she said she was thinking about moving away.....I was thinking....I wish she would move to Orlando....I think we would be good friends!

In any case, I am in the later part of my career and cannot leave my job and even if I could.....I can't even spend a night away from home yet...so moving is out of the question for me right now.

I appreciate the advise....I will give it a shot.

Rosemary

I would like so much to find a few people in my area (I live in Orlando; home of Mickey Mouse) that I could occasionally get together with. I just can't seem to find them. Orlando is not a small town so I wonder why? I looked up a group for widows but it seems full of young chicks on Harley's (ones that seem ready to move on) and I don't seem to have much in common with them. No men at all in the group which makes me uneasy because it seems like more of a "girl's night out" which is fine but because of the age of the women and their demeanor (at least on line) seems more about "partying" then an emotional connection or friendship based on a common experience (losing a husband or spouse).

Then, I took Derek's advice and took a look at Christian Mingle and other "meeting new people sites) but they all seem to really be more of a dating site (and he said it was so I am not implying that this was misleading)which I just don't think I am ready for. The thought of romance makes my stomach churn. Isn't that a strange reaction?

I am looking for mature people who are just looking for companionship from others who have been through the same thing. I don't want to be part of a "meat market" and I don't want the focus of the group to be dating or looking for a new partner. I also don't want just a social network where people may not understand my pain or why I react to things the way I do.

I want to meet people who want to go to interesting museums or cultural events. Or maybe horseback riding or watching a live show. It could even be a fun game of cards. But I also want it to be folks who understand and accept that I might cry at a drop of a hat or can't talk about things at certain times without losing it. People who have not been through this would think I was a nut or that I am not fun to be around. Why aren't there groups out there (near me) like this? Or maybe there are and I am just not going about finding them correctly?

Kathy,

I just read your question. I say if writing the letter makes you feel better than "go for it". But if you are only doing it in hopes that it will change them towards you....don't.

You will always wonder if they are just responding to you out of pity. If you are like me, that is the LAST kind of comfort you need or want.

Best wishes to you!

Derek and Mrs. Charlie!

I also feel the guilt of not doing enough and Derek, like you I have been told that the heart attack was inevitable. I just am so grateful that he died with me right there rubbing his back and trying to soothe him instead of without me right there.

Derek,

I admire you for your attitude and hope I get there one day.

Mrs. Charlie,

you say everything EXACTLY the way I feel. Our situations sound very similiar right now. Even your Rally's love for the pets sounds like my Lou!

The best to both of you. If nothing else your words validate me!

Rosemary

Thanks for posting exactly what I feel most of the time. I feel so guilty about being ungrateful and so nasty in my demeanor. Sometimes I just want to "slap" people who tell how blessed I am.....but then I also realize they are right.

I guess the anger and the guilt for feeling angry is all part of this. I also sometimes just think it would all be so much easier if everything would just STOP.

Thank you for validating my feelings. I hope when you read this you will be in a different frame of mind. That kind of pain is not bearable for long stretches!

Rosemary

Oh thank you so much for posting this. It is so good to know that this is the norm even though it is very sad!

Lou's brother who called him all the time and even spoke to me on the phone each time he called and claimed to love his brother more than anything has decided he not only never needs to call but actually "hates me" because I refused to have a viewing of Lou's body. Lou and I had discussed this and both of us decided that we did not want anyone viewing our body. Lou died of a massive heart attack while I was with him and I called his immediate family that were in town to have them come to the emergency room while I was there with him. They were told then to look at Lou, hug him, hold his hand, whatever, but that when I decided the visits were over that would be it. They would not see him again. The brother who was out of town did not like that I refused to have Lou's body out for the rest of the relatives to see. He did not seem to care that Lou and I had discussed this and that these were our wishes. He refused to speak to me at the service and has not called since.

Lou had 3 sons (2 biological and 1 who was not really his but he acted as Dad to for awhile). The only one who calls and sees me constantly and is there whenever I need him is the one who is not even blood related. The other two never call or check on me at all. It only bothers me because I know what their father would think of their behavior and how hurt he would be. But, they were selfish when he was alive so I really did not expect any different after he died. I am so grateful that Lou is in a place where he only feels joy and peace. He was a wonderful person and I could not bear the thought of him being so disappointed and hurt by his family's actions.

There are very few people who ever even think to call or check on me. I don't try to figure out why or contemplate what they are thinking. I still miss Lou so much that I really can't think of anything else but when I do think about it, all I can say is it baffles me. It is good to know that this is true in many cases, not just mine!

You are so brave to share how you are feeling and what you are going through with Andrea. I question my sanity all the time and just KNOW that others who see some of the things I do or read some of my thoughts here must think I am a real nut case.

Grief does make us do crazy things and act like we are not all there. Isn't it funny how all of us react in such different ways but in the end it is really all the same? We are so devastated by our loss, we just all manifest it in the ways that our brain and heart leads us to!

Thank you for being able to share this......it made me realize that there are others out there who really do "get it". Best wishes and prayers go out to you!

Rosemary

I read the post with great interest when I saw the title "Kents ashes". As I sit here and write this I am looking over at the urn with my Lou's ashes in it. I could have afforded a "spot" to put them in at our local cemetary but the thought of it was overwhelming. I had to have him with me. My dresser in the bedroom is a shrine of sorts. In fact anyone who came in here and saw how I have moved the study into the master bedroom with all of our pictures and then the ashes would probably think I am crazy to have all of this right in front of me everytime I go to sleep and there again upon waking.

I am worried about the ashes. I am almost afraid to tell everyone what I am thinking but Lou and I discussed this many times so I know what I want to do. I am just not sure how to pull it off. During our brief 19 years together (they just flew by!) Lou and I had several pets. 4 of them were dogs and what happened was very strange. The first dog "Fluffy" passed away quite a while ago and was very old. This was true also of one of our beloved kitties. It was with the other three dogs that it got weird. The oldest was an 18 year old Maltese and the youngest a 4 year old Cocker. All of our animals were rescue. During the two years before Lou's very unexpected death, all three of the animals had to be put down. How sad this was for us. We just loved our doggies (kitties too but they were doing ok). We could not believe that we were losing all of our dogs this way. Cancer, liver malfunction, and the oldest one, just old age. Anyway, we both said we wanted the pets remains to stay with us. We agreed that all of our ashes would be co-mingled when the time came and we would be together forever. So now we were just left with our sweek kitties who also seemed to grieve the loss of the doggies.

When I look back now I think in a way that the death of all the dogs before Lou died was (for me anyway) a bit of a blessing. I would not have been able to care for them. I am working about 15 hours a day and do not have family. I would never let my animals just stay outside and I could not have allowed them to be locked up with no fresh air or "potty breaks" for that long. Driving back and forth to let them out would have killed me both from a physical standpoint and a job standpoint. So now it is just me and the cats who do fine as long as they have a clean litter box and plenty of food and water. They use the pet door to lounge on the screened in patio and sleep on the bed with me at night. Weekends and holidays we just hang out together. What a comfort they are and certainly easier to leave alone then the dogs would have been.

Anyway, enough rambling.....I have all of these remains from the ones who loved me the most (Lou and the pets) just waiting for me to "do something". How will I manage to make sure we are all co-mingled together? How long will all of these urns be here in front of me? What will happen if I die suddenly or have to be put away somewhere while I wait to die? What will happen to these remains? Will that last wish of us all being together happen? Who will make sure it does?

I know there are people reading this who are thinking I have lost my mind. With all of the pain and lonliness I feel you would think that I would have more pressing issues to worry about than how I am going to make sure that all of us are together in the end and what will be done with our remains.

Sometimes I think about doing what she did, taking the ashes to some wonderful spot, co-mingling Lou with our babies and then spreading them out to become one with nature. But I just can't do it yet. I want them all with me. And I keep thinking......but my remains aren't with them! I need to be part of that! I did everything when it came to taking care of Lou and his remains after he died. I had no one to help me. I even planned the Memorial Service and wrote the program and had it run off for the service. That's me.....Ms. Control Everything! But.....it will be hard to "control" what happens to these ashes after I am gone! So, do I do it now and feel badly that I am not with them or I leave the job to someone (who the heck would that be?) for after I am gone and hope that it is done in the right way?

In the meantime, all of the urns just sit here together. I feel like they are all just waiting for me to make a decision or at least have a plan. Nothing happens. I just look at them and miss what they once were......my life, my joy, the only ones who ever loved me unconditionally....and now are gone.

A crazy woman, right?

Hi everyone,

I wish I could find someone exactly like me but I guess that is impossible. I keep thinking no one really understands what I am going through because no one is in my same boat. Maybe everyone feels that way?

For example: I listen to women who are obviously older than I am or wealthier because they are not faced with the burden of going to work everyday. People at work don't really know me so they don't understand that I "pretend" to be ok at work. Work keeps me distracted but I am not at the top of my game anymore and it is NOT business as usual. For them, it has been 7 months so I should be ok now.

Or I hear women talk about having to do for their children. I never had any children so I don't have that to keep me grounded or to see my husband in their faces.

Or I hear about women who are young and have their whole lives ahead of them and are talking about starting over. I am 46 and I keep thinking that it is all over for me now. First, I can't imagine EVER getting close to a man again (I had the best and most perfect husband so nothing could ever take his place) and second, I look at myself and can't imagine any man really being interested anymore. Not that I am a hag or anything but lets face it, I am no spring chicken anymore. I can't imagine dating or getting intimate with anyone ever again; it makes my skin crawl!

I often hear about how people find things like church or social groups that they get involved with. I can't seem to muster the energy or interest in anything. I go to work, try to excercise a couple of times a week and visit with a few friends once in a while....not because I get any real enjoyment out of it and not because I feel like I have any purpose in doing it.....I do things because I think I am supposed to. That's it. I eat, sleep, and go about daily functions for the same reason I breath. It is habit and uncomfortable not to.

I can't think of a thing nice or great that someone could tell me that would fill me with any joy and I can't think of anything so terrible that it would bring me any more pain or unhappiness. It would just be "something else" to do or think about. Flat line is the only way I can describe myself.

So, 250 days and I still just exist. The weird thing is I'm not sure I even care that it is this way. I only get a little scared when I think I might live a little too long and in 20 or 30 years I will be in this same situation.

Rosemary

Hi Ejn,

I am having a terrible time feeling so all alone and my Lou and I were only together 19 years (married for 14) so I can only imagine what losing someone after 46 years must be like.

My parents have been married for 46 years and love each other very much but my mother and father both say that Lou and I had a one of a kind marriage so she thinks I am probably going to have a harder time then some.

I think it is so hard to predict who will have a rougher time than someone else because we are all individuals with very different needs and feelings.

The one thing all of us have in common here is that we lost someone we love dearly and still miss them terribly.

Don't make any decisions now about anything more complicated then what to eat or which movie to watch. I am only in day 42 but I do know that my thinking is still not rational enough to make any kind of major decision. I want to be in the house Lou and I shared with all of his things around me. Yes, I am lonely especially at night but the thought of living some place else where he and I were not together makes me shudder! I am not ready for that.

I feel your pain and would love to hear more about Larry. It is good to speak of the wonderful times we had with our departed soul mates and to let everyone know how we feel about them. Sharing pain gives comfort; at least it does to me.

Rosemary

Looks like there are a number of March birthdays, here! Mine is Tuesday and I never thought about the magic number. Lou was 21 years older than me (you would never know it!) and thinking that I might go at the young age of 66 does not bother me so much; in fact it almost bothers me to think I will have to wait that long to end this life that seems so pointless!

I keep praying that God will give me purpose in my life so that I have something to really live and work for.

I wish you the very best on your birthday!

Rosemary

Well today marks Day 40 and as usual I am going to spend my entire Saturday cleaning house. This was something that Lou and I used to do together. He did not want me to vacuum or wash floors because he said it was not good for my back. We would turn the news on and go about our business but stop to have breakfast or a treat every now and then. We would come up on each other and give the other one a hearty kiss on the neck while they were busy. We would also stop and just talk about things and then get back to work. It did not take us that long to do the cleaning, I think it was the stopping and socializing that sort of dragged it out. Isn't it funny that house cleaning (which I really do not like) is a source of such good memories?

A couple that Lou and I were friends with want me to come over to their home with just the two of them for a few hours this evening. The wife calls all the time and checks on me. She thought my husband was the best man in the whole world (I agree of course) and misses him because she would see him a lot when she and her husband went to bowl where he worked.

I am going to try this tonight and see how it goes. We will just have some food and watch a movie together and talk a bit. I am hoping it will be a good experience and that I am not doing this too soon.

I wish I could stop second guessing myself all the time; what if I had forced him to the doctor sooner? What if I had called an ambulance istead of taking him myself? What if I had insisted he retire from the job that took everything he had and gave him nothing but a paycheck in return? I pray for Serenity and for awhile I don't have those thoughts but then "bang" here I go again.

Rosemary