MariahC

I guess that some of you can probably identify with the feeling of not being in control of things. [My story is here http://hovforum.ipbhost.com/index.php?showtopic=3007] It's now been 5 weeks since I lost my dad and things don't seem to be getting better. The following describes how I'm feeling. I wonder if any of you are experiencing any of the following behavior, feelings and emotions too? I'm usually such an organised person, but losing him has turned me into a complete basket case. I can't concentrate or focus and have become forgetful. Definitely don't feel myself. On the outside I might look ok, but on the inside I feel like a shell. Feeling exhausted all the time - even on days when I haven't been to work. My heart is filled with sadness and I feel that there is nothing positive in my life anymore. The rug has been pulled out from under me. Feel completely wide-eyed, stunned and bewildered. Feeling as though I'm merely surviving on autopilot not actually living anymore. I have to force myself do get up and do things. I can't do the things I used to enjoy. When trying to do so I lose focus and interest in a matter of minutes. Feeling angry (& punching things) - angry at myself - for not being able to do anything to stop what happened. For not forseeing what was going to happen. Dad was doing so well this time last year... Feeling helpless and anxious that I couldn't do anything to prevent what happened. Also, if this can happen what's to stop me losing another person that I love. Worried about my brother and frustated with myself for not being stronger for him. Keep looking back to times of the past before all this - to when I really had no (real) worries - though I thought I did at the time. Want to get out of the darkness I find myself in but can't. I keep reliving what happened and it's heartbreaking. The last 6 weeks and particularly the last week. Feeling really worried, that unlike everything else life has thrown my way I won't ever recover from this. People are making demands of me (time and attention etc.) but I don't feel that I can handle it all. Feeling under pressure to do everything. If I don't do it, then it doesn't get done. I guess my brother depends on me a lot. Although, we've tried to share out what needs to be done between us (regarding mother and dad's affairs), I often have to prompt him to chase up on this or that. I wish it wasn't down to me to remember - what needs doing and when - all the time. Feeling isolated and alone - both at work and at home. I have some close friends but how can they really help, as they haven't experienced a close bereavement themselves.Thank heavens for this website. - Can any one else identify with the above? - Will things always be like this? - Perhaps you used to feel some of the above emotions but have now overcome them during your healing? - How has bereavement affected you?

Hi Cathy, welcome to the board. I'm sorry about the loss of your dad and your ex's great aunt. The loss of a father is so, so difficult to deal with - I lost mine 5 weeks ago. Like you, I was also a daddy's girl. The feelings you describe "wanting to spend days off in bed" and wanting to hibernate I can identify with. It is difficult to face each day and to face the world sometimes after having lost the people that you love. People who tell you to "get over it" sound like they've never experienced the loss of someone close. Really, if they haven't got anything helpful to say, they really ought not to say anything at all. It's times like these that you realise who your true friends are. I'm glad to hear that your close friends have rallied round and are helping you. It's also great that you and your mother are becoming closer. You'll help each other through. Please do continue to post here when ever you need to.

Midnight - I'm really pleased for you! Your doctor sounds like a gem. His explaining to your husband how he can support you was excellent of your Dr. There's also absolutely no shame in taking medication to help you through. Sometimes we all need a bit of help during really difficult times. It was good to hear that you got to have a proper chat about everything with him. It's also good that he gave you a complete check up. While grieving one's heatlh can really suffer so it's good to keep a check on everything. Well done you!

Thanks leeann. I'm slightly surprized how well it went at the doctors, especially as it was the first time I'd met that particular doctor having only joined the surgery a few months ago. She went through it in terminology that I understood and didn't leave important details out. She said that she's well aware that some hospital doctors lack the ability to communicate information properly with patients and their family members. Of the two of us, I used to be the one asking all the questions, but sometimes it was very difficult to get any meaningful information out of the doctors. I used to ask them about dad's treatments and ask the nurses what he was being given in the IV etc, but there was some important information that they withheld. Now I understand more about what was going on it has helped a bit. If they'd told me what my doctor told me yesterday - I probably still would have been shocked at dad's passing, as his condition deteriorated so quickly. However, I doubt I would have experienced such strong feelings of self guilt and blame. I still miss him like crazy and had a 'bad day' today - being really tearful. I suppose we all get days like that. leeann - It's awful that your cousin's daughter had to go through that. Doctor's sometimes tend to see the people they are treating only as 'patients' not someone's loved one. I'm glad you were there to help her understand what was happening and to comfort her. I didn't need to take the meds today, as the pain in my back and shoulder wasn't too bad - so I went to work. Keeping active with exercise should definitely help the both of us.

I went to see my doctor yesterday morning as I'd been struggling with pains in my back and shoulder blade for the last week - I guess caused by stress more than anything else. Yesterday (Thursday), when I woke up the pain was really bad so I thought I'd better go see the doc. It was probably the best thing I've done since my bereavement. I spoke to her about the guilt I've been feeling, the beating myself up and thinking "what if I'd did this or that...". She surprized me in saying that she felt that what was causing these feelings was the lack of communication on the hospital doctors' part. I realised thinking about it that this was so true. I'd always wanted to know more about how they were treating dad, but they were always so reluctant to provide enough information. The doctors weren't accessible enough. This led to us being pretty much totally unprepared for what happened, which made his loss even harder to bear. My doctor has electronic access to the hospital doctors' notes on my dad and his treatment, so she went through everything they'd written. Though it was painful, it really helped to know more about what was going on. I've found that since seeing the doctor the guilt and blame doesn't seem to be there anymore (for the last 24 hours anyway!). My brother and I are still going through a really rough time of it - we both had a cry last night - but I feel we're taking small, but positive steps in our healing. I still miss my dad so very much, he's left a massive void in my life. I miss our close communication - a lot of the time we'd know what each other was thinking without the need to use words, one exchange of looks was often all that was required. Sometimes, when in the presence of other people we'd both notice something and comment afterwards "did you see that?" and sure enough we'd both have thought and noticed the same thing. I miss his infinite wisdom. Whenever I had anything on my mind he'd know instantly and he'd know how to turn any negative into a positive. It worked the other way too. He too would always call me to seek my advice on pretty much everything and if he was down I could cheer him up. It's so, so hard, but I feel we will get there. My brother and I are registering at our local health club this weekend, which should help when we're feeling low.

You seem to be putting pressure on yourself. You're trying to rush your grieving. "You are supposed to be getting a little better not worse" you'll have days (or hours, minutes...) when you feel worse than at other times. You won't just go from feeling worse to better. From experience, I find myself feeling bad one day, better the next, but then the day after I can be feeling bad again. I don't think it will always be like this, but you have to remember that your loss is so very recent. Your loss occurred nearly at the same time as mine, so I do recognise (and have experienced) a lot of the emotions and feelings you're describing. The loss you've experienced is unique - it can only happen once - so you won't have felt like this at any other time of your life. A loss is individual and unique in the feelings and emotions it causes. I saw my doctor this morning and was completely honest with her about how I was feeling, both emotionally and physically. I would urge you to be honest with your doctor - otherwise how can he/she help you if they don't know how you're really feeling. The anger you're feeling is normal too. I get angry at times too - though I'd recommend punching a pillow instead of a wall. I've been experiencing this too. My mind has been focussing on the last week at the hospital. This is because the loss is still so recent. The last days are often very, very intense so I'm not surprised that they are dominating your thoughts, as they are mine. I've tried to distract myself with other things and get involved with other things. I went to my local health club today and was given a tour. I will be signing up soon, as sitting at home staring at four walls (when not at work) is not good for anyone, as it gives you time to think too much about upsetting things. Don't forget that doctors are also there to listen to you - not just to dispense meds. Try not to be reluctant to tell the doctor how you're feeling. Remember whatever you tell them is totally confidential. The best way to get help and to heal is to be honest with yourself and other people about how you're feeling. I think you will feel better - it's just going to take some time. Hang in there.

Surprisingly, two of my colleagues started speaking to me today. One took me for a coffee and we spoke about work and also how I was getting on. My colleague had been through a bereavement of someone close to him too. It was good to talk. My other colleague said that he'd avoided speaking to me on Monday and Tuesday because he could see that I was really stressed. What you've said makes a lot of sense. In a way, I know we did try really hard. Dad was losing a lot of weight so I was coming home from work, making him food before going back to the hospital which involved an extra two hours of travelling each day. I remember feeling desperate at times and that we had no control over what was happening. I felt so helpless and anxious each time they discharged him as I knew it wouldn't be long before he'd fall ill again. At the moment, the guilt isn't so strong - maybe because of your posts and because I spoke to three people today who also helped somewhat. You're very right. He is still struggling inside but he is trying to get by in a way that works for him. He feels the pain too. I am not ready to get back to doing the things I used to do yet. A friend of mine today tried to get me involved in things. She said that my life had been on hold and that I should start doing some of the things I had put off. I'm not ready to resume them yet, but I do plan to do something positive like join a gym and actually go. I'm hoping I'll get back to doing the things I used to do and that I'll be able to laugh from the heart again. I wish these things for my brother too. Thank you so much for sharing your story. It was indeed extremely heartwarming. Hopefully, in time this will come and without any guilt attached. Here's hoping. You're right. Our loved ones wouldn't want us to be miserable. Though, I guess that feeling will be around for a while. Thank you for sharing your insight. Your posts have been helping me (and I imagine others also reading them) a lot.

Hi Midnight - I can identify with what you've said about you being at work, but your mind not being there. I've been feeling exactly the same. From my own experience I can tell you that thinking about your dad and his death is not unusual. I'm the same. At work someone can be talking to me about something and I'll be thinking about my dad and the painful last week at the hospital. Feeling physically tired and drained is an all too familiar feeling. When your mind is being overrun with so many different emotions you will find yourself feeling exhausted. I try to do things that help me to relax a bit in the evening e.g. I take a hot bath adding bath oils to the water which seems to help me to sleep. I can identify with what you've said about thinking of dad and his final days. I know it is hard, but try to remember the happy times. I'm having difficulties doing this myself, the events of the last week at the hospital with my dad have been dominating my mind. I've been told that these memories will fade and eventually I'll remember the happier times with my dad. Hang in there. If you feel like you want to cry, don't feel guilty about going to the bathroom to do so. I had a cry myself in the bathroom at work last Monday and I felt better for it, as I'd spent the preceding hours trying to fight my emotions. It's better to let it out. Please don't think you'll get into trouble for grieving - do what you need to do and in your own time. I thought that no one understood how I was feeling at work too, as my colleagues seemed to be ignoring me and my efforts to engage in conversation. However, I think some of your colleagues do know you're going through a really difficult time right now. Today one colleague approached me and said that he didn't ask me if I was ok, because he felt it would be a stupid question under the circumstances. He said that he knew I wasn't ok, how could I be. Some people are reluctant to speak to you at this time, as they are worried about upsetting you further. At the moment you are trying to survive you haven't got back to living yet. I'm the same. It's going to take time. Please don't isolate yourself. It does help to talk things through with other people. Sometimes it's best to talk to people who are not directly involved. I spoke to the chaplain at work today which helped me somewhat. Don't put a time limit on your feelings. This will only put you under pressure. Emotions don't work to a schedule. If after a month you are not where you want to be then you'll feel disappointed and frustrated with yourself - so please don't schedule your emotions. Just take it one day at a time. Like you, the loss of my dad is the first bereavement I've experienced involving someone really close. In my opinion this is why is it so hard to deal with. Don't be hard on yourself. They may not say it, but colleagues won't expect you to work full pelt as though nothing has happened. Try to do what you can and don't put pressure on yourself to "get back to normal". I'm not functioning as normal myself - but that's because my life has changed, as has yours. After what's happened you have to give yourself time and not try to rush your grieving.

Although the loss of my father is recent, I can identify with being someone else before it happened - compared to the person I am now. I keep remembering things/events and I find myself frantically searching to see what date it was. To look back at a time when I was able to live and find a way to be happy no matter how difficult things had become with dad's illness and my mother's problems. I've had a really bad couple of days at work. I don't know what I was expecting really. Last week I was at home, as the office had closed for Easter. Yesterday and today I've noticed that my colleagues have been treating me as if I'm invisible. Talking to each other but not acknowledging me. Even colleagues that I usually get on well with are reluctant to talk to me. I wanted to talk about work and other things - everything but the bereavement. I'm in an office with more than a dozen people - yet I feel so alone. I think at times like this a bereaved person needs normal conversation - not people avoiding or ignoring you. I guess people feel awkward and are worried about causing (further) upset. The thing I've found with bereavement is that you can feel an emotion, cry and then think you're past it to have it come back again and again. The guilt has come back a bit today. I keep thinking what if I'd had my dad referred to another hospital, why wasn't he having this treatment or that treatment... I wish I could get past thinking like that. I also don't want to laugh or enjoy myself as I think that I must be miserable and the guilt makes me think that I must be punished. My brother is different he's able to do things he was doing before all this, like read books (fiction), go out (he went to a party last Friday night) and laugh when on the phone. I can't do any of these things or any of the things I usually enjoyed doing before. The happy memories I have of my dad have been clouded out by memories of the last week at the hospital. These memories are very strong. I realise now that I was in a deep shock in the days after his passing, but we had so many things to organise and sort out that I never had time to think about what this all means. Now I am thinking about it and it's threatening to destroy me. As each day passes I seem to be feeling worse. There's this emptiness and the realisation that everything that used to be familiar to me is now so different. I recognise the streets, cars, people, trees etc. but at the same time everything looks so different. I want to go back to living again, but I can't.

leeann and shell thank you so much for your replies. It's comforting to know that the feelings and emotions my brother and I are experiencing are normal. I know we did a lot to help our dad - visiting him everyday, preparing his medications, bathing him, helping him apply his creams, preparing and bringing him food, taking time off work to accompany him to his hospital appointments... I didn't mind doing it and I agree with you leeann, in that I would it all again. I think when we're grieving we can easily dismiss the things we did do and somehow become consumed by feelings of "could/should I have done more", "what if I...". I now remember one of the occasions when my dad was admitted to hospital and the Doctor said that my dad was very lucky to have two such caring children. Except in my grief, I didn't recall all of that I was (and in a way still am) just hellbent on beating myself up. I still wonder if things could/would have been different, but I'm starting to realise that negative thoughts only prolong and increase the pain we feel. shell, you're right about that. The not being able to control what happened has been very difficult to accept. I don't think I've fully accepted it yet. I am grateful that we were there when dad passed away. The hospital had let us stay so we were sleeping on chairs in his room for 6 days - only going home for a couple of hours each morning for a shower and a change of clothes. He liked us being there with him and I'm glad we were there - even though it was very difficult and traumatic. The tears are now mainly coming at night time. I cry for him and all he went through. Seeing him anxious, in discomfort and pain. What happened was so cruel. I feel completely destroyed. Dad was so important, as he was there during all of the most important times in mine and my brother's lives. It really hurts to know that he won't be there for any more. I'm going to try very hard to get through this - though I know that I will never be the same again.

Hi, I'm new to hovforum. I lost my father 3 weeks ago. He was 67. Two years ago he'd been diagnosed with CLL and a type of non-Hodgkins lymphoma which mainly affected his skin, blood and lymph nodes. His skin became cracked, itchy and flaky requiring him to apply emollient creams all over his body every day. In early 2007 his skin did improve following treatment, so much so that he didn't need to apply the creams so often. However, one day in mid 2007 he became dizzy and fell down at home. His blood cell count had been depleted by the CLL, causing the fainting. He was given blood transfusions and steroids and was discharged from hospital the following month, but was re-admitted in late August 2007. The steroids had made his face swell badly. He was discharged in September, but was re-admitted and sent to the High Dependency Unit (HDU) end of October with an infection and Sepsis. He was then transferred to a specialist hospital and discharged mid December. We were looking forward to having him home for Christmas, but a couple of days before that he became ill again. He complained of a headache - on checking on him I found him lying face down in his room unable to get up. He'd cut his head. Again he was taken into hospital suffering with an infection. My brother and I stayed there with him until 5am Christmas Eve when he was allocated a room. We also spent Christmas day with him at the hospital. He remained in the hospital from then on. He started to get thin and was unable to walk, so after work I was taking him porridge and soups every afternoon until they started feeding him by tube. We continued to visit him every day after work, sometimes twice a day (on weekends). The hospital gave him a treatment, but over time it seemed to worsen his condition. He started getting diarrhoea. One day in late February '08 (while at work) my elder brother (who at 34 - is five years my senior) and I were called by the hospital who asked us to come straight away. We were told that they didn't think he would pull through as he had contracted so many infections. He was hooked up to an ECG and was being given oxygen and morphine. We stayed at the hospital day and night for 6 days until the morning he passed away. His funeral was nearly two weeks ago. I still can't believe he's gone. I'm not coping well at all and am crying every day. My brother and I were very close to our dad as he raised us pretty much on his own as our mother has mental health problems. One minute I think we're going to get through this then I think about all the difficult times, especially the last 4-6 weeks and I break down. I also can't help blaming myself. I wonder if I could have done more or prevented this somehow. My brother is finding it difficult too, but is coping better than I am. Does it get easier?