MariahC

It must feel like an injustice, that you had your beloved second husband for a shorter time than your first. I can understand you're thinking this way. Although, I haven't lost a husband, I can identify with what you say about being in solitary confinement on Death Row. Every minute, hour and day is difficult and other people who haven't experienced a loss are oblivious to how it affects everything. Try not to feel guilty about feeling the way that you do - it sounds like a totally normal reaction. The mind makes us think like this sometimes.

leeann, I'll be thinking of you a week on Sunday. I'd recommend letting your husband know how you're feeling. Don't try to get through this on your own. shauna marie has made a really good suggestion. Do take care of yourself and if you wanna cry then do. Don't judge yourself on last year, each time the day comes around we never know how we're going to feel. Grief is unpredictable, we never know how we're going to feel from one moment to the next. Thinking of you. M.

leeann QUOTE "I dunno.. maybe because you are putting it there?? Something to think about, maybe??" I talked about this with my counselor. We came to the understanding that it's because my family have always relied on me a lot. If anyone needs help with anything or advice they always come to me. In my family I'm kind of the first person to get a degree. So, I guess, without realizing it I've taken on the responsibility for everything. Whenever, we were at the hospital it would be me asking all the questions. Guess I never really thought about it until recently - just used to do it. QUOTE "No one else is putting there". Yes, that's true. Guess it's been ingrained in me to think that it's up to me to fix everything. The feelings came to the fore about 6 weeks ago. The rational side says that there's only so much you can do - we're not doctors afterall. Perhaps I have an unreasonable expectation of myself, I dunno. QUOTE "It simply isn't true that you are to blame or are responsible. And others, with clear knowledge of the situation, have told you as much. Why not believe them? Dunno, I guess that I can't get my head around how we find ourselves in this position. It all just spiralled out of control...just cannot fathom how we've got to where we are now. Keep going over it again and again and again. How'd he go from doing so well to so ill. I guess there was a point where the docs should have realised that the treatment wasn't working as well as before and tried other treatments, but they didn't. Guess I'm putting the responsibility for that on myself. When he'd been transferred to the specialist hospital we thought they'd got his condition under control. Knowing what we know now guess we would have got him taken somewhere else. QUOTE "I find if I keep looking back... I can't get to moving forward". Not ready to move forward yet, can't, not until these feelings are resolved, not while the tears are there everyday, not while everything is such a mess. Am stuck in limbo, guess like a lot of others on this site. Never knew it could hurt this bad. leeann - thanks so much for taking the time to reply. Much appreciated. It's so difficult in everyday life to talk about it with other people, as they feel uncomfortable and change the subject or get upset. It really helps to be able to post here.

I didn't really think that my dad's condition would kill him. After it presented it looked like Eczema so we didn't worry too much initially, but gradually his skin and symptoms got quite bad, but then he improved dramatically in early 2007. He was 65 when the symptoms first appeared, but he was a young 65. Hardly a grey hair and walking freely without a walking stick. Independent and self-sufficient. He was not ready to go. Recalling the conversations I had with him early this year break my heart. We had so many plans. leeann QUOTE For my other significant death that was from cancer.. He was younger and not ready to go yet. This was tougher in a way because of that. This guy was like a second Dad for me...Figured, yeah it was a tough thing for me to do.. very tough. But.. ya know.. he had loved me so well.. I wanted to do it. Yes, you're right, it is very tough. No matter how tough though it's something we do for our loved ones. My brother and I, we were literally living at the hospital the last week. Sure it was tough, but there's no way we could have been anywhere else. leeann QUOTE I have learned that, sometimes, the "Why's?" have no real answer. And it isn't productive for me to rehash any treatment choices or decisions. That is in the past.. can't do anything about it. All I can do is express emotions from the past that I had to put off expressing until after they passed. But that's it. The past is gone and is what it is. I know and that's what everyone keeps telling me, but I can't stop looking back. I feel responsible for what happened and it's tearing me up. My family doctor, who reviewed my dad's medical notes, has told me I'm not to blame and that it wouldn't have made a difference as the cancer had spread to his stomach. Why can't I accept this? As the younger sister (I'm 4 years younger than my brother) why is the blame and responsibility on my shoulders? Why isn't my brother also feeling like this (though I'm glad that he isn't)? leeann QUOTE Yup, anger is part of it... expressing your anger healthfully is a good thing. I usually end up expressing it via tears... Funny though.. I didn't seem to get angry "at" anyone. I was just mad.. period. I didn't put it on anyone or myself.... just felt mad... and expressed it. Knew this was just part of grief. Me too. I express mine through tears. I'm mainly angry that not only is there the loss to deal with, but also the feelings of guilt. It is so cruel feeling this way. leeann QUOTE Mariah I know you miss Dad alot. The missing of my loved ones will always be.. but the intensity has dropped off a bit over time... Yes, I do miss him so much. In some ways he was the glue that held the family together. Now he's gone it's all falling apart. If they take my mother then when my brother goes to stay with his girlfriend I'll be on my own in the house that used to be home to four people. leeann QUOTE Yeah in the beginning it feels that way for sure. But I bet you find this will pass too. Because, you know, of course, that other things in your life do matter. Just right now, they pale in comparison to this loss. But I found that my perspective balanced that back out again in time. I bet you will find that too. The goings on at work don't matter at all to me. When asked my opinion on things I have to pretend to be interested, pretend it matters when really I couldn't care less at the moment. It's just not important right now. leeann QUOTE I hope all goes well with your meeting about Mom next week. But I might caution you to be careful about how much you are up for right now as far as her care is concerned. Be honest with yourself about how much you can healthfully do for her at the moment. Hear ALL the options and ask any questions you may have while considering your options. Use that MH worker as a resource for you all three of you. As the decisions made effect all three of you. The MH worker can help you greatly with your options and choices. Don't be afraid to say.. "Can we think about it all and get back to you?" And then take your time in discussions with your brother before you make any decisions. Thanks leeann. My counselor said the same thing. He said that we should take our time and not make any rash decisions.

Hi Marny, I'm sorry about the loss of your mother. I can tell you that parents know, that we, their children, love them so very much. You have to remember that you were there for her, helping to take care of her. While you were doing all of this your mother would have known that she means the world to you - you were there for her. Remember words are just that words, our actions - spending time caring for a loved one and being there for them mean so much more. What isn't expressed verbally is expressed in so many other more meaningful ways. "I just never really thought that she would die" When we are caring for a loved one on a daily basis we do get really caught up with the caring, so we don't really give ourselves time to think about them passing. When they do pass it can still come as a tremendous shock. "I dont know what to do with my time anymore" This I can definitely identify with. My dad passed 8 weeks ago now and still I don't know what to do with myself most of the time. He was an in-patient in hospital and every day I'd go straight from work to visit him arriving home between 8-9pm. Now, it feels really odd going straight home. "I have this big hole in my heart that I'm not sure will ever heal". Yes, another feeling most of us on this forum can identify with. It feels like their's a massive void that can never be filled. It's normal to feel this way. Do make sure that you do take some time for yourself. I know it can be difficult to pick up a book, listen to music etc. and you may not have the motivation to do these things, but it's important to have some "me" time. Do let us know how you're getting on. The people here are very caring and understand.

Hi Christina, I'm sorry about the losses of your mother and father. It's difficult at any time, but I believe even more so when you're young. I'm two years older than you, so I can identify with some of the things you've said. I lost my dad around 8 weeks ago and although I still have my mother, she is mentally ill, so losing dad feels like the loss of both parents. Like you, I'm not married yet and have no children. It's difficult to contemplate these things now that the people we love are no longer physically here to share these experiences with us. If you have other elder family members, I'd suggest trying to keep in close contact with them. When we lose our loved ones, one reaction is to isolate ourselves, but this only makes our grief more painful. Do you have any siblings? I wonder if you've been able to speak with anyone about how you're feeling? I'm seeing a counselor at the moment, which does help somewhat. Perhaps, seeing a bereavement counselor might help you also.

Thanks leeann. I really hope so, as these feelings just make things 100 times worse. I hate the feelings of helplessness. When he was transferred from the local hospital to the specialist one end of Nov 2007, I saw it as the answer to my prayers. Now looking back they really didn't do anything except discharge him with a crib sheet of pills. There are so many "WHY's" that I want answers to. What happened has made me feel as though I should have been doing the hospital doctors' jobs for them. Suggesting treatments etc. Except, I'm not a doctor and we put our faith in the doctors to treat our loved ones. I am so angry right now. Angry with myself, angry with the doctors, angry with God... The feelings of desperation, anxiety and pain will stay with me forever. It's strange how life can give you a sucker punch when you least expect it. I remember this time last year, pretty much to the day. We were so hopeful, as his condition had improved greatly. We could never have imagined that just one year later we would be going through this. Around other people I feel under pressure to 'be ok and normal'. People have said that I'm really quiet. People who know what's happened (including my family) keep asking me "What's up? Why are you upset?" which is infuriating at times. What do they think is wrong. My brother on the other hand seems able to (truly) laugh, socialize and live. S'pose he's able to compartmentalize his grief. Just missing him so much. Nothing else in life seems to matter right now. Just going through the motions at the moment, just trying to hang in there. My brother and I have been called to a meeting by my mother's MH case worker next week. They want to take her permanently. My brother wants them to take her as he sees her as a bit of a nuisance. I on the other hand, am not sure. Everything familiar seems to be going away... Slept for 17 hours straight from last Friday night through to Saturday afternoon! I guess we don't realise how much all of this takes it out of us.

JoyL, what you've described sounds very familiar indeed. Pretty much all of the things you've described above I am also experiencing. Leeann has it spot on when she said: "feel not so terrible for a while and then feel absolutely awful.. like in cycles almost; but seemingly without rhyme or reason". This is very true. There will be times when you'll be feeling better and then all of a sudden you find yourself feeling awful. You'll find your emotions going from one extreme to the other and vice versa, it is all so exhausting. Joy, what you've described about wondering what you could or should have done differently is normal. I've found that these feelings come up a lot on this site. I think we all feel that to some extent. I'm a little different in that I have no problems sleeping at night - I just have difficulty getting up in the morning. Take it easy on yourself and don't expect too much from yourself at this time. Take care.

I'm glad Marty's information was of help to you. Guilt seems to appear a lot on this site. I think it's important to get through these feelings as they tend to make our grief even more painful. I'm trying to get through it and am trying to understand why these feelings keep returning following periods of feeling better. There are times when I don't think I'm going to make it, which is terrifying. Seeing a counselor has helped somewhat, but there's a long way to go.

Thanks leeann. I find replacing those negative thoughts with a positive one each time they crop up and as soon as possible helps me tremendously. Doing this ahead of time.. like planning for those negative thoughts when I'm not feeling overly emotional makes it easier for me to just 'grab' a positive response when I need it. WE are in control of our thoughts. We have the power to change them. Not vice versa. Negative thoughts have exactly the power WE give them. If we choose not to give them any.. then they don't have any power. That is within our control. This is an excellent suggestion, I will try this. It's so difficult though, once I get sucked into that way of thinking it's so hard to turn things around. I can't always control the negative thoughts, perhaps that will come in time. Things are still so raw. But the bottom line to me during their illnesses, dying & deaths was... "I'm not in control." Something bigger than me is in control. I don't possess "power" to change anything or anyone but myself. Treatment decisions for my loved ones were theirs to make.. not mine. My "job" was to just love them and help them any way I could. But I had no real control over treatment and for sure, no control over their respective diseases. When I was honest with myself, I had trouble even asking myself what I would have done differently because.. simply put, I wasn't the person that should have been making decisions for them. Those decisions were theirs and their Doc's. Not mine. Their illnesses and deaths were all about them.. not me. I'll have my turn someday.. but I really felt their illnesses, dying, and their eventual deaths were ALL about them. All I had to do really?? was love them and support them as best I could. And when I asked myself if I had honestly done that... I could say "Yes I did"... I did the very best I could. It wasn't about me.. it was all about loving them through it all. I know I was there for him, loved him and supported him, but still there are times when I think that there's more we should have done. What you've described above about not being the person that should have been making decisions for them: I accept to some extent, but I guess that the circumstances surrounding what happened is haunting me. Feelings of having let him down. My brother doesn't feel like this, which is maybe why I'm seeing a counselor and he is not. Been trying to make myself believe that even if things had been different and he'd gone to that other hospital - would the outcome have been positive? I guess that there's no way of knowing this for sure. Had a slightly better day yesterday after Wednesday's meltdown. Decided not to sit in my office at lunchtime, so I went over to visit a friend who works in the building nearby. Going on previous trends of good day - bad day - good day - I wonder if today will be another meltdown day.

leeann, thank you so much for replying. You always give such brilliant advice. I read your reply yesterday to Matthew (on his feelings of guilt) which also made a lot of sense. Marty, thank you very much. The extract on guilt that you posted from your book is very helpful. I guess I'm a little surprized by the intensity of the the guilt I'm feeling. The pain of the loss is so great that I'm beating myself up thinking that we need not be going through this if things had been done differently. I've convinced myself that this hospital would have made a difference. The rational side of me reminds me that he'd lost a lot of weight and it wasn't like him to not have any appetite, as he loved his food. He must have been very ill to have been like that. Perhaps, even if he'd got to that hospital maybe they wouldn't have been able to do anything...(trying to convince myself of this). However, the rational side only seems to exist for a short time before it gives way to the negative thoughts again. These thoughts really got me so worked up yesterday, that I couldn't breathe and had to go sit outside for 30 minutes to calm down. Am really worried that if these thoughts won't go I'm going to make myself physically or mentally ill. I will try some of the excellent suggestions you've made under 'Coping with guilt'. Here's hoping that this will stop the negative thoughts once and for all. Things simply cannot go on like this, my muscles are really tight and am hyperventilating most of the time.

So sorry to bother you all. I was wondering if anyone knows what to do when feelings of guilt (regarding the death of a loved one) won't go? This is an issue which seems to crop up a lot on this site and is something that I am also really struggling with. [My story is here: http://hovforum.ipbhost.com/index.php?showtopic=3007] I've been seeing a counselor about this (for the last fortnight) because I keep on blaming myself for my dad's death. Keep thinking that if I'd gotten him to one particular hospital that specializes in cancer (and is one of the best), he would still be with us. Finding myself constantly looking up information on the (rare) disease he had, including medical research papers on the Internet. Not sure why I feel this way, when my brother doesn't. He's satisfied that we did everything we could and that it was out of our hands. I just keep thinking back to January of this year and what I could have done differently. My family doctor reviewed my dad's medical notes - including the communication between the two hospitals treating him - and she told me that I was not to blame and that getting him to another hospital would only have given him a couple of months extra. For some reason, I don't seem to be able to accept this for a sustained period of time. The feelings just keep on coming back and when they do, they cause such deep pain and anxiety that I find it difficult to breathe and can't get on with things. Today is one of those occasions. My dad had been referred to a hospital which specializes in cancers that begin in the skin. He was having fortnightly treatments which seemed to improve his skin greatly, but then he became ill end of Oct 2007 with Sepsis. The local hospital where he was an in-patient treated the Sepsis and then referred him to the hospital where he'd been having the fortnightly treatments earlier in the year. We all thought 'great' he'll get the treatment he needs there, but three weeks later they discharged him. He was at home for only 10 days when he fell ill again (Dec 23) with a urinary tract infection and was again admitted to the local hospital. They'd decided to treat him with a new type of treatment, (because apparently the disease had spread to his stomach) but this seemed to further weaken his immune system making him susceptible to infections. He then took a turn for the worse and died a few weeks later. I was hoping that the initial feelings of guilt and blame would have gone by now, as I've been told that these feelings are normal during grief, but it just seems to be getting worse. I constantly wish I could go back in time. There doesn't seem to be any let-up at all. It's the first thing I think about in the morning and the last thing at night. Just miss him so much. My thinking that this could have been prevented is unbearable. What do you do when the feelings of guilt won't go? How do you get yourself to live in the present rather than constantly looking back?

I saw a counselor last week which did help somewhat...well for a couple of days anyway. Eventually though, the feelings of guilt slowly came back. The counselor said that these feelings are normal when grieving. Wish these feelings would go away though - they make the loss even more painful. The happiness has gone out of my life now, what with also coping with mother's schizophrenia. Guess a lot of people on this board feel the same. How do you get to the point where you aren't really sad or crying everyday? Does this slowly happen over time? Worried this won't happen as the circumstances of what happened are very harrowing. Although a part of me wants to get to this point, there is a part of me that doesn't, as it would feel like I was betraying him by "forgetting" about him. Have become quite obsessed with looking up information on my dad's condition(s) on the Internet. It was very rare for him to have had both CLL and NHL simultaneously. Have been reading numerous medical research papers on it all, some of the stuff that I couldn't fully face before as it used to scare me. My brother has become quite concerned by this, but I can't help it. I have to believe that there was nothing else we could have done. Another obsession is looking at my e-mail sent items folder from this time last year. Before all of this, when he was still with us. We were given no warning of what was going to happen. We all thought he was doing well. It all happened so fast...have read that the complications he encountered are common with his condition. Went food shopping with my brother yesterday. Afterwards we called a cab. We knew the cab driver well, though we hadn't seen him in a while. He asked how we were doing - not knowing about our loss. We said that a lot had happened since we last saw him and he told us that a lot had happened in his life too. It turned out that he lost his mother 3 weeks ago to breast cancer. He'd turned to alcohol, but has thankfully since stopped drinking and is now back at work. Loss seems to be everywhere! I'm having another counseling session tomorrow.

Hi there, I'm very sorry for your loss. It's all going to be very raw for you. I can identify with a lot of the feelings you've described, as I lost my father last month. An anticipated loss doesn't make it any less painful at all. I hope that you do take some time for yourself. For a while you'll find yourself running on autopilot and things will seem so different. Your mind will be preoccupied for some time. I'm sorry to hear that you have to pretend to everybody. I would recommend taking some time out to see your family doctor and possibly a counselor. It's so important to be able to communicate how we are really feeling. Having to pretend for other people only makes us feel worse in the long run. Take care. I'm thinking of you. Anytime you want to "talk" feel free to come here and let it all out. The kind people here understand.

Karen - I'm sorry to hear that you are having a difficult time of it. Schizophrenia is such a challenging illness to deal with - I can emphasize as my mother suffers with this. You're right about unscrupulous people taking advantage. We have a constant problem with electricity/gas suppliers tricking my mother into changing over to them. These people are unbelieveable taking advantage in that way. I hope that this is quickly resolved for you and your son. Please do make sure that you get help and support with all of this. We all wish you the very best and have you and your son in our thoughts.

Joy - I'm so sorry for the loss of your father. I lost my dad 6 weeks ago. Reading your posts, I can emphasize with a lot of your feelings. I too, feel in deep shock and also have the horrible feeling in my stomach that you've described. The emotions and feelings you're going through will feel overwhelming. You've done the right thing coming to this site - the people here are so kind and helpful and they understand. I can't offer any advice on how long it takes to heal - as like you, I've only just begun my grief journey. I still can't believe that he's gone. I keep thinking that this is a bad dream that I'll wake from and all of this won't have been real. The pain is really bad most of the time, but the only way to heal is to let these emotions wash over you. I've found that talking to certain groups of people helps. I've spoken to my family doctor, the Chaplain at work and will be speaking to a bereavement counselor this week. The advice and support on this site is invaluable too.

Thanks Shelley. I'm so sorry for your loss of your mom and dad - and in such a short space of time. It all must have been such a shock. I'm glad to hear that things are improving for you. I will keep you in my prayers also. When you mentioned your dad had been diagnosed with non Hodgkins Lymphoma (NHL) it really struck a chord with me. My dad was also diagnosed with NHL and he also had chronic lymphocytic leukaemia (CLL). The symptoms appeared in early 2006. Very itchy, inflamed, flaking skin and swollen lymph nodes. We had a part-time carer in for a few months from October of that year, as he was weak following a lymph node biopsy. But from January 2007 his skin had greatly improved and was no longer flaking or itching. Now, feeling like such a fool and am angry with myself for believing that he was doing ok. End of June 2007, the CLL had caused severe anaemia and it all went downhill from there - he was in and out of hospital many times. Shelley, it must have been tough to go through your grief journey without your friends close by to support you having relocated. I can identify with this somewhat, as I'm a shy person who doesn't make friends easily. The lack of social support in grief can make it harder. S'pose, even if we have a lot of friends it doesn't guarantee that we'll get the support we need. Talking to people who have been there - on this site, as well as people where I live, has been the biggest help. I will be seeing a counselor tomorrow which I hope helps, as things can't go on like this. The main thing to get through for me will be the blame I'm placing on myself, the guilt, and anger. Have tried hard to drive these feelings away, by talking to my family doctor and the Chaplain at work, but they keep coming back during the darkest moments. Feelings that "what happened" could have been prevented is making this even more painful. I will let you all know how it goes.

Thanks Shell. It was good to get out. My brother was rather taken aback when he saw me getting ready to go out. My mind did flit back and forth a bit during the film but the change of environment did help.

Thanks Shell. It's very tempting to try to put aside feelings of grief, but this doesn't help in the long run. Also, people who haven't been there don't realise how difficult it is to focus on other things when overcome with grief. Sent my friend The Wish List (thanks again Wendy). She's backed off a bit - I saw her on Thursday and she was no longer pushing things. The other night mother (who has MH issues) was playing up returning home really late, waking us up having forgotten her keys. Had to get up early for work, so my brother and I were completely exhausted. The following night my brother went to go stay with his girlfriend for the night, leaving me and mother at home. I don't blame him for wanting a change of environment, as things have been pretty intense lately. But it got me thinking that since dad passed I'd spent most of my time looking after other people, getting this and that done, but not actually doing anything for myself. Anytime the strength has been there to go out and do something my friends and family have talked me out of it with "Let's go tomorrow" etc. which never materializes. So, worked up the courage to do something yesterday evening (Friday). Struggling with a cold (the second one in 6 weeks!) but no-way was that going to put me off. So I went to the cinema! Didn't bother asking anyone else to come as I didn't want to be put off. Getting out of the house was essential, to get away from another consecutive evening of reliving the harrowing events of 6 weeks ago over and over again. Felt strangely empowered and proud to finally be doing something instead moping around like a zombie and crying. It was a welcome release. I highly recommend taking sometime for yourself to do things you enjoy. It helped relieve some of the stress.

Many thanks Wendy. I was searching all over for it. It is very well written and it's sentiments are so true. I'll send it to my friend.

Hi Sam - I lost my dad just over 5 weeks ago. To be honest I have been struggling to cope with it - although he was ill for a while, his condition suddenly deteriorated, so his loss was a big shock. I have spoken to the Chaplain at my workplace, which was a help. I also went and saw my family doctor which helped greatly at the time. I was able to share with her the guilt and feelings of blame that were making me physically ill. I had severe pains in my shoulder and back at the time, but they went away the day after seeing the doctor. Things became difficult again yesterday, so I have made an appointment to see a counselor. This service is provided by my workplace free of charge. Hopefully, it will help. I'll let you know how it goes.

Many thanks Wendy. It does sound like it might help. I will check it out.

I just wanted to say thanks again to all of you that replied. The day I posted the message above I thought I was going to explode. Had another really bad day yesterday. Was physically sick in the morning - it was all so sudden, caused by the flashbacks of what happened. Managed to make it into work, but my mind wasn't there. My colleagues and I had a meeting yesterday, tried to focus, but my mind was preoccupied by thoughts of what happened...reliving it over and over and over again... Got to the point where I couldn't handle it anymore, so found out the number of the counseling service at work and rang them. They will be ringing to make an appointment over the next few days, which does bring some relief. Couldn't face sitting in the office at lunchtime, so popped over to the other building to visit a friend. Around 6 days ago (when we'd last spoken) she'd asked me what plans I had for the future. I mentioned some courses I was interested in doing at some point when I was feeling better. Well when I saw her yesterday she was rather mad at me for not having looked up or requested info on these courses. I told her that I would in time, but that I had to grieve and heal further before I could contemplate taking on anything else. Boy did she get frustrated hearing this. I know she means well, she cares and doesn't like seeing her friend in "such an emotional state", but I don't think that shutting out or ignoring grief in order to focus on other activities would be beneficial in the long term. I'm worried that adopting this way of dealing with things could cause further problems. The pain could then manifest itself in other ways. I told her that I was simply taking things one day at a time and not taking on more than I could handle. She was like "no but's - why haven't you done any research on these courses?" As my friend hasn't experienced anything like this she doesn't understand how simply getting through each hour and each day is a triumph in itself. I think the only way to heal is to work through these emotions - not to ignore them or put them aside. Feeling a bit wary of seeing her again now - don't want to feel like a failure for not feeling ready to do these tasks.

KathyG QUOTE "I now carry a little notebook with me everywhere.... I've become queen of the sticky notes...". Thank you so much for replying. Your post is full of so many wonderful suggestions. Carrying a notebook and using stickies are both good ideas which I shall try. Trying to remember to do everything from memory can be draining. QUOTE "Grieving wears us down as much as hard physical labor...But there is no break from bereavement - even if you manage to stop thinking about it for awhile, the loss is still there". You're right about how exhausting bereavement can be. I try to rest and eat well - though sometimes I forget to do the latter. QUOTE "These are both huge problems for me. Most days, I'm just going through the motions, feel like I have no purpose and wonder if there's any meaning to life. I ask myself if it will always be like this. It scares me to think it might be, but yet I haven't given up hope that yes, there is more and if I keep busy and keep plugging away, in time things will improve". It is scary to think about it always being like that, I agree. Like you, there are times when I have hope for a future when it's possible to truly smile and laugh again. That's a long way off at this point though. QUOTE "I can say you will find pleasure again in your favorite things, but it comes back gradually. I love reading, but after my husband died I couldn't pick up a book for weeks. Now I've started to read again, but I don't get quite as much enjoyment out of it as I used to. It's getting better, though". I usually love reading too, though I haven't got the focus to do that now. Hopefully, in time I can start enjoying it again. QUOTE "The times when he had the big seizure and then the heart attack - they kept running through my head again and again like a continuous film loop. I finally managed to stop it by asking myself, "Do I really want those moments to be my most vivid memories of the wonderful life we had together for 11 years?" Doing that helped me to refocus on the good memories I'll always have until he and I can be together again". The guilt, blame and reliving it all is one of the biggest issues for me. It was these thoughts that made me have to see my doctor last week as the stress led to serious pains in my back and shoulder. This is something that I have to stop. QUOTE "This is important: don't do more than you feel capable of doing, and don't let anyone tell you what you should or should not be able to do". I will try to take everything slow, maybe doing a bit at a time. Hi suzanne - Thanks you very much. I'm sorry for the losses of your husband and father. It is indeed a painful journey. WendyJ QUOTE "I save all my feelings and emotions and questions to this wonderful group here. I have found that it is easier to just answer people like at work when they ask how you are doing to just reply " As well as can be expected" and leave the conversations to that". I've often adopted a similar reply to the one you use, when colleagues ask how I'm doing. You're right, some people only ask because they think that’s what they should do, rather than actually being genuinely interested in how you're getting on. I've arranged to see a counsellor which I hope will be of help. You’re right it does feel better to let out how your feeling. Scotty – Thanks. You and Wendy are both right. It is difficult for other people to relate if they haven’t experienced the loss of someone dear to them. Gamer205 – Many thanks. leeann QUOTE “I don't overcome my emotions. I feel them, express them and try real hard not to judge them. My goal isn't to overcome grief. My goal is to process my losses into my life's journey. If that wasn't what you meant.. and what you really meant was: "Does the intensity of the emotions & feelings wane off some in time?" Yup”. Thanks leeann. Yes, that is what I meant. At the moment my emotions are so intense and exhausting. In a way I hope the intensity of the emotions & feelings does wane off in time, though I wonder if this will make me feel guilty that I’m not thinking about my dad every waking moment. QUOTE MariahC (OP) "How has bereavement affected you?" QUOTE leeann "It makes me not want to put things off. It makes me want to take more time with people & less time with "stuff". It makes me hug harder. It makes me express my love more easily than I used to. It makes me cry more often and not feel bad when I do. It makes me love better". Me too. Shell – I agree. I thought I was going to explode the day I posted the message above. I am so thankful that the kind people on this site offer so much support and understanding. There is no judgement here just help and support when needed.

Karen and Wendy, thank you so much for your responses. I'm so sorry for your losses. This website is so wonderful, in that it allows us to discuss how we're feeling at any given moment and get support when we're feeling very low. It helps so much to be able to "talk" to other people who have been there. Karen, your journey through your grief gives me hope. Soon after we are bereaved we can't imagine how we're going to be able to make it through each day. I hope that somewhere down the line the pain will get "softer" and happy memories will shine through. Wendy, I'm sorry to hear that you're going through such a difficult time. Life can throw some very challenging situations at us. I can identify with what you've said about bereavement destroying your soul. It's destroying me too. The things you've been told do make a lot of sense - thank you for sharing. I hope that we all get to the point where we learn to accept and cope better. Today was a particularly difficult day and I'm not sure why. I couldn't stop analysing what happened over and over again. Feeling so isolated in the office, not wanting to burden my colleagues with how bad I was feeling. Days like this are so dark, negative and exhausting. If it wasn't for all of you I don't know how I would get by - I'm sure others feel the same way. Being able to let out feelings of sadness, frustration and anger is so important. Keeping these feelings in last week made me physically ill. I'm hoping for a better tomorrow.