singledad2

It really does help to get things out in the open on this forum. Man, what a rough afternoon. I just got back from a 5 mile walk with my two labs and I talked quite a bit with my wife during that time. We used to have a daily routine of taking the dogs on a long route around the east side of our town. She was the driving force behind that routine--even talked me into walking with thunderstorms threatening one evening last fall. When we were about a 1/2 mile from home, a bolt of lightening struck a tree a few hundred yards in front of us. I about jumped out of my shoes! It was one of those moments for her when she couldn't stop laughing. She knew I didn't want to go that night, and the only reason I went was because I didn't want her to go alone. I was so mad, but I couldn't stay mad when I turned and saw her ear-to-ear smile. I can hear her laughing now! I am learning to release things more and more. I tried to be strong for my family and still try to keep a stiff upper lip when they are all around, but I also know that I've got to get the pain out before I can start any hope of recovering from this tragedy. I try to shut the door to our bedroom at night and let out whatever I'm feeling. Sometimes I know it's going to get rough, so I make sure the kids are asleep and just bury my head in my pillow and cut loose. I thought it was working for the most part, but Thursday and today have been two of my worst in a while. I really appreciate the support from all of you. Perhaps later I'll add a few caveats to my story that make this even more stressful. I'm holding off on those for now, as the 'full picture' would almost seem too overwhelming to comprehend. Take care friends.

My daughter's boyfriend graduated from high school today. I was confident that I would be okay attending the graduation party. The first 15 minutes went okay, then I looked around and saw all of our friends and thought 'where is Julie(my wife)?' That was all it took. My eyes began to well up and I had to tell my daughters that I would see them at home. I drove around for about an hour and my shirt is just soaked with tears. I was at a place with many friends today, but felt as if I had walked into a building filled with strangers in a far away land. It was like someone was saying 'what are you doing here?' It's beyond that point where everyone tells you how sorry they are and offers their help for anything. Now I seem to be at that awkward stage where people look and smile, but almost seem to avoid me for fear of not knowing what to say. My two sons are home with me right now, but they know that now is not a good time for me, and they are just giving me my space. I'm sitting here just sobbing, not knowing what is next for me. I'm just sitting here wishing that...I don't know what I'm wishing for. I just know that I don't like much of anything right now, and I need to find something that I can grab ahold of for strength. Today I feel like I'm being washed downstream in a torrent of water and I already know my wife has been taken. My four children are all on shore and see me in the water, but don't know that I'm unable to get back to them. I'm still fighting, but I'm losing my strength very quickly today.

Bob and Derek, Thanks so much for your words this evening. I feel a bit of relief knowing that I can share my thoughts without worrying about how others(who seem to have the best of intentions, but have no idea what I'm going through)will think. I'll try to use this forum therapeutically as one tool to help me regain my center in life. For what it's worth, I too wish that none of us had ever had to look for or visit this type of site. I am however, glad I found it today.

Thanks Bob. Every once in a while I get time to myself and it just comes flooding out. Tonight was a rough one for me. No one in the house and I just let it come out naturally. Unfortunately, my oldest called from college and didn't even recognize my voice. I just told her it was a really bad night for me. I'll be moving her back home for the summer tomorrow. That means all 4 will be here, and I believe that the oldest hasn't really had a chance to grieve with school and all. I just need to make sure that I can get through the summer. It seems like I'm sitting on a virtual powderkeg here. My 17 year-old daughter is in grief counseling after experiencing suicidal thoughts and battling severe depression. This has just flat kicked my family's butt! I'm trying to lean on friends and family, but I feel like I'm just 'winging it' and will screw up and allow things to get even worse. I know my mind isn't very clear, so I can't possibly be making good, rational decisions. Topping this all off are the demands of my job, which have me overseeing operations in several states, and managing over 300 employees. As you can see, this is very, very close to overwhelming right now. I do talk to my wife regularly and try to find strength in those conversations. I ask her for wisdom and the willpower to be able to fight the good fight in all that I do. Some days that really seems to help. Other days, I feel even more lost, knowing how much I miss our chats and occasional banter about politics, people, and life in general. She was so intelligent. When I met her, it was as if God had granted me that one wish that I had been wishing for my entire life. Now, in some cruel twist of fate, that beautiful, vivacious answer to my prayers is gone, and I am feeling an emotional pain that I never thought was possible to feel. I'm reminded of the Garth Brooks song 'the dance' that includes the words 'I could have missed the pain, but I'd have had to miss the dance.' I've lost my dance partner and I just don't know how to get myself back on track.

My perfectly healthy wife died suddenly on March 31st. I went from a very happily married 44 year-old father of 4, to a single parent trying to cope with the ultimate loss and be everything to everyone. My first week was absolutely horrible. I lost it like I've never lost it in my life. I've begun to be able to control things somewhat on the outside, but I still feel so lost and so empty. We did absolutely everything together and we just sent our oldest child off to college last fall. I also have a high school junior, sophomore, and a 4th grader. I feel like a robot now. I'm living to take care of the kids, but inside it feels like I'm simply made of rubber. The days go by so quickly, then I settle into our bed and think of how unfair all of this is to me and the kids. I think about her constantly, and have difficulty concentrating on work. The only relief I have is when I'm so busy that I don't have time to think about anything else. I used to consider myself to be a fairly sharp guy, now my mind is gone! I cry at the drop of a hat, but it passes quickly. Just when I think I have things back under control, out of nowhere, my eyes tear up and I have to excuse myself from meetings or conferences. I keep asking myself 'why did this happen? She was such a wonderful person.' So many others deserved to be taken for their bad deeds, yet my best friend was stolen barely an hour after I kissed her good morning and headed off to work! It's just not fair! I know the pain will eventually ease, but will my dead spot inside ever awaken again? I just hate this!