singledad2

Jenn, It is truly heartbreaking to hear about your situation. There are many things in life that we absolutely hate having to deal with, but most of those things don't occur at the same time. You are being tested down to your core right now. You may think that you can't take it any more, but that is exactly what you are doing. You have been dealt a hand that no one should have to handle. No one can give you the precise answer that will comfort you and lead you out of this turmoil. We can only offer suggestions that we've tried over time and hope that they, or a combination of suggestions will provide you with the comfort you deserve. On top of dealing with losing Julie, my 18 year-old daughter really struggled with school this past spring. I have had her in counseling since April, and she seems to be doing much better. Trust me, it wasn't an instantaneous fix. I too have recently had major issues with my 17 year-old son. He is refusing to go to counseling, and he too is failing a number of classes, though this is far from his history. Saturday night, we had a major blow up and I think he expected me to get really angry and tell him to leave. Instead, I told him that I refused to give up on him and I let him vent for quite some time. I just told him over and over that I loved him and would never give up on him. I sat in his room until 3:00 am when he fell asleep. I simply did not want him to think that I was angry and walked out on him. I'm sure you know how irrational teenagers can be--even without the grief of losing a parent. Life is full of 'extremes' for them in 'normal times.' We all know the feeling of losing a spouse can be utterly devastating. What I cannot imagine is how I would have felt if I lost a parent during my teen years. It would have been beyond devastating. Just try to be there for her--even when she tells you to get lost. She doesn't mean it. She's hurting, just as you are. The bond between a mother and daughter may be strained at times, but it will forever be one of the strongest 'glues' that was ever created. Just keep this in mind and be there for her when she is ready. You both need each other like never before. It may not seem like it right now, but she is counting on you, and you are counting on her. Hang in there and feed off of the little tidbits of positive emotion that she tosses you. Just know that there will be more to come in the future. SD2

Jenn, Tomorrow is bound to be an extremely emotional day for you and your children. Hang in there and hold each other and realize that despite this terrible tragedy that took your loving Eric from you, a part of Eric lives on through those wonderful kids. SD2

1. Julie was the most committed, loving wife that anyone could ever hope for. She absolutely loved me. 2. She was the best mother that our two girls could ever ask for-to a fault at times! 3. Her love for dogs led her to join a stagnant group with the local animal shelter, and push that group to action that now has saved the lives of over 500 dogs! 4. She too, loved to eat. On our first 'non-date', I watched her scarf down a dozen chicken wings. She had sauce all over her fingers and face--I knew right then, that she was 'a real' person. She wasn't worried what others would think when they saw her tearing into a big juicy chicken fried steak or a plate of wings. 5. She was so energetic. Every night, she and I would walk our two labs on a 5.2 mile circuit. It didn't matter whether it was below freezing, she wasn't going to miss that walk. I'll throw in a bonus--she had the most beautiful smile that I've ever seen. I still smile when I look at photos of her with that smile on her face. I do miss her so!!!! SD2

Jenn, You are much stronger than you believe. You know that YOU have now become the rock on which your children can depend. You know that if you don't get up in the morning and do all the things that must be done, they won't get done. Some may choose to just shut down. You have chosen to become a fighter. You may not see yourself as such, but that is indeed what you are. As you are forced by circumstances to do the things that Eric did before, you will learn that you are much more capable than you ever imagined. One of the first things I would suggest is to find a true grief counselor. In baseball terms, your counselors are 0 for 4. Don't give up hope on this. You may not be able to just will yourself into healing. There are people who specialize in this and the good ones will listen to you and actually try to give you advice based on your conversations and feelings, as opposed to someone who clearly isn't even listening to what you've told them. In the early months, I came here often to read and to grieve in private. It seemed that with my work and my 4 children, this was my only time to really cut loose. I'm sure I've dry cleaned many pairs of slacks over the past 6 months due to tears shed reading and replying to posts, messages, and e-mails sent from the fine people who frequent this site. It really has been therapeutic for me. Again, post as often as you like and read the responses and other posts as often as you feel like it. Things will get easier--they really will. We all know that right now it seems like your world has crumbled around you and there will never be a moment of happiness again. Don't fight those feelings. Just let things happen for you as they do. You have already proven yourself to be a survivor. Just keep telling yourself that your children need you and that you are their hope for salvaging some hope and happiness from this tragedy. Hang in there Jenn. Again, we are all here for you. SD2

Jenn, You are being waaay to hard on yourself. I know that right now you feel as if your life is caving in around you. Of course you will always miss Eric. He was the love of your life and the father of your children. To not miss him would be unbelievable. Life as you know it will never be the 'normal' that you have known. However, you will eventually build a new 'normal' for you and your children, and the pain will dissipate a little at a time. You are feeling the same thing that we all have at one time or another. Just a month after I lost Julie, I had a friend write me a note of comfort that basically said 'don't listen to how people tell you that you should be feeling, or why somehow you will recover eventually. Instead, just know that this sucks. Admit it, grieve in your own way, and heal yourself in your own time.' I would certainly suggest finding a counselor who can help you channel some of the pain and feelings of helplessness that you seem to have. It's healthy to let it all out and have someone who won't tell you that you just 'need to get over it.' It makes it even more difficult that you have a teenage girl going through this with you--all the while dealing with one of the most trying periods in her life. Trust me on this one--young teen girls (and I've gone through this twice in the past 5 years!) have very little logic to the way they treat the people they love the most. She is trying to find answers to all the teenage girl questions she has, along with trying to process losing her father. Despite how she might act or what she might say right now, she needs you terribly. She may say that she does not want you around, but she does need to know that you are there when that time comes-and it definitely will. Never take the insults of teenage children personally. Please do try to get with someone who can help you sort out your feelings. It really can help. Lastly, you won't feel like crap forever. Right now, it only seems that way. Of this, I am sure. There are many on this board who will back me on this, and will also be here for you when you need to cut loose. Not to discourage you from counselors, but unlike counselors, we're on call 24/7 for free! Lean on us, we will be strong for YOU. Take care, SD2

Jenn, I'm sitting here with a terrible image of your grief after the loss of your husband. I too lost my wife at a comparably young age-45. The suddenness of life being wonderful one minute, and the next minute having to realize that you are living a nightmare, can be overwhelming. I lost my beautiful Julie on March 31st, and have 4 wonderful children that I am now raising. As I have told others before, there are no magic words that anyone can say to take away your pain. Life will never be the same again for any of us. We have to find,adjust, and adapt to a new 'normal' in our daily lives. Just as you mentioned, I also experience feelings of deja vu when I occasionally expect her to give me a call or walk through the door, or when I reach for the phone to tell her some exciting news. That numb feeling hits when I realize that I can no longer share those times with her. My 18 year-old daughter had to have a medical procedure completed today and due to the feminine nature of the surgery, she waited until last Thursday to let me know that anything was wrong. Julie would have been the one to discuss that with her and her doctor before. Instead, I found myself sitting in pre-op at 6:15 a.m. across the table with her gynecologist. Of course I'm going to be there for her during these times and every other one, but this wasn't how it was supposed to be. My point is that we have all learned that nothing in life is certain. I believe each of us quickly develops an even stronger appreciation for those who are most important in our lives. We all might wish that we had done things differently in some manner, or worse yet, we play the 'what if I had only done this or that' game. Hang in there Jenn. There are some wonderful people here to whom you can pour your heart out. Unlike some friends and neighbors who will tell you that they can imagine your pain, we have truly felt it. We will be supportive and understanding when things get the best of you and you just need to vent out of anger, sadness, or any one of a number of emotions that can hit you. We are here for you, as others have been here for us. SD2

Kath, I too was visited in the past 60 days by my beautiful Julie. It was after one of my worst days to date. Prior to laying down that night, I cried out to her that I really needed her. When I drifted off to sleep, she suddenly appeared to me as if she were simply walking through the bedroom door on a normal day. I told her that I missed her terribly and that I was so glad she was back. She came over to the bed and gave me a big hug and whispered in my ear 'back? I've been here the entire time.' I held onto her tightly and told her that I never wanted to let go of her again. However, as I released her from my arms, I awoke and she was gone. Let me assure you that this was no devil--although she was most certainly 'devlish' at times! I believe she was telling me that she indeed had been with me, helping me to be the person that my family needed me to be. It was as real as any dream I've ever experienced. Some might say that my experience illustrates the power of the human mind. If that is the case, I need to start feeding my mind some more, as I am hoping for more and more of these experiences. Never let anyone scare you into thinking that any contact that you might feel with Bob is evil in any way. Some people feel the need to justify anything they don't understand, as being somehow evil. I'm reminded of the character that Kathy Bates played in Adam Sandler's 'Waterboy.' She was an extremely overprotective single mom who 'protected' her son Bobby Boucher from everything good by telling him that it was 'the devil.' Football was the devil, Vickie Vallencourt was the devil, school was the devil. Kath, enjoy and appreciate any contact you have with your dear Bob. We may not understand these contacts, but we can certainly find comfort and 'feel' our loved ones. I don't know about you, but rather than evil, I'd call that 'a gift from God.' Take care, SD2

rgangel, So sorry to hear that you had to join our 'club'. Each of us deals with grief in differing ways. Some will grieve heavily for lengthy periods, while others will be able to work through the grief a bit quicker. Please keep in mind that there are no rules to this cruel game. Just when you think you may be in total control, you are apt to fall to pieces. When you feel like you've run out of fluids from crying non-stop, God will grant you some temporary peace. I suffered the most devastating loss I could ever have imagined on March 31st. For me, I tried my best to be there for my 4 children and show a strong emotional state. Inside, I was dying slowly. I learned that I could control my emotions substantially and really let loose when I was alone. For some reason, that has worked for me. I find my most significant emotional releases come after reading this board and discovering how others are going through the same issues. These releases seem to allow me to channel my emotions (for the most part) into segments that allow me to still be able to function nearly normally (whatever that is)on an external basis. It also has provided me with a more stable response when others say things that seem to really sting my heart. Everyone around me has been very loving and supportive, but as has been stated in earlier posts, unless one has personally been in this position, they rarely know how difficult it can be to hear certain 'comforting words of wisdom.' Just do what works for you. Only you will know what is best for you. Trust your head and your heart. That is what we all did once, and look at the wonderful spouses that we were able to enjoy as a result of that trust! Hang in there. Life will never be the same, but the wounds will someday heal. The scars will remain--as will the wonderful memories. These are the things that will forever be a part of us, but we do not have to allow them to define who we are. Please take care of yourself first, so you can take care of your child in a manner that reflects the love and caring ways that you and your husband would have provided together. Visit here often, and post when you feel the need. These are great people who will always be there for you. SD2

Mark, I'm sure you've already figured out that there are no magic bullets that will make everything better. I lost my wonderful Julie on March 31st, and though I have four wonderful kids at home, there hasn't been a day when I didn't feel the most profound sense of loneliness imaginable. We too had one of those perfectly matched marriages where we both wanted to spend as much time as possible together. Even today, when something good happens to me, I reach for my phone to call her and let her know. It's just a reflex that I can't seem to kick. I know exactly what you mean when you talk about getting out with friends and trying to put on the face, so you're not being a drag on them. I find myself talking about her a lot, and I know that makes many people feel uncomfortable, as they are worried that they are going to say something wrong, or they just want to change the subject. Although my comments aren't sad ones, I can understand their discomfort. It still doesn't keep me from commenting about the most beautiful, talented, loving wife that ever lived. The months ahead will be your toughest, but as many on this board will tell you, the pain will lighten a little more with each passing day. I still miss her as much today as I did the first day she was gone, but the emotional roller coaster just doesnt' seem to go quite so high or quite so low as in the beginning. Just know Mark that you have people who you can count on during the lowest of your low points to understand what you are feeling and provide you comfort as they come from the same perspective that only the unfortunate members of our 'club' can know. Hang in there. Enjoy the memories that you shared for all those years, and know that with your wonderful wife, you shared more love and happiness in one year than many will find in a lifetime. As the Garth Brooks tune goes, 'I could have missed the pain, but I'd have had to miss the dance.' I'm sure like me, you wouldn't have missed 'the dance' for any amount of pain relief. SD2 SD2

Kay, We each have to do what we believe in our hearts is right for us. I cannot fault you for trying. My wish for you is that you find happiness--in whatever manner God decides to provide it. Regardless of whether this man or some other man is THE man, you deserve to be happy and secure. Don't compromise that. SD2

Kay, Having been cheated on by both of our previous spouses, Julie and I both talked about how utterly devastating it was to place your trust in someone and have them break that trust. We had a saying--once a cheater, always a cheater. There may be some on this board who have strayed and redeemed themselves, but I'm guessing that the overwhelming majority of cheaters are the types of people who are always in search of 'the bigger, better deal'. I know I'll never find another Julie and you will never find another George. However, that doesn't mean that you have to spend the rest of your life being married to the 'anti-George'. It sounds like this 'man' represents the opposite of what George stood for. You've been through more than most could ever deal with. You deserve better. Do what you need to do, and know that we will be here to support you through it all. Take care of yourself Kay. SD2

Kim, The days after a birthday always seem to be downers. Maybe it's because the day before our birthday we were a year younger, the day of our birthday it is all about us, and the day after we are a year older and just one of 6 billion people again! Ya gotta smile sometimes--it gives us a better reference point for how much better things can get from those really bad days. I'll be traveling tomorrow, but over dinner, I'll toast to you Kim...to better days somewhere ahead.

Kim, I'm about to discover exactly what you are going through today. My birthday is a week from tomorrow and Julie did so much to make birthday's special for everyone. No matter what everyone else does, it will never be the same again. Please find something that YOU can enjoy doing today and do your best to make it YOUR day...that's what Dan tried to do for you. Treat yourself to your favorite food, your favorite movie, or maybe just find a place where you and Dan spent time together and use today as a day to really try to connect with him and SHARE your day with Dan. I don't have any magic answers, but perhaps one of these will help ease the pain and allow you to celebrate the life that you have. Take care. SD2

To everyone who wrote with supportive comments about my custody battle for my wife's daughters---we won! I got the news yesterday that biodad had withdrawn his motion for forced counseling and residential custody of my 17 year-old. I think he realized that trying to take advantage of me and the girls during the grieving process was a lot more than he bargained for! We made it clear with our court filings that we were 'playing for keeps', and he backed down. Now we can get on with our lives and the entire healing/rebuilding process. Thanks to all of you who have written me with suggestions or positive comments. I had a great father's day with all 4 of my kids, and it was made very special when my 17 year-old daughter walked into the kitchen as I was preparing lunch and presented me with a nice gift and approached me from across the room with arms outstretched for a big hug. She has really struggled over the past few months with the loss of her mom(my wife and best friend), and has 'tested the waters' more than a few times with me. I had to be the stern one on mandatory counseling and though she didn't think she was getting anything from the counseling (kids and their 'I want everything fixed now' mentality), I let her know that her long-term well being was much more important to me than whether she liked me or thought I was throwing away money on counseling. My strong stance on counseling is starting to pay off and I'm hoping that my commitment in this area as well as my willingness to move Heaven and Earth to protect her from biodad has shown her that she may have lost a wonderful mother, but she still has a 'father' who loves her very much and is committed to helping her achieve all her hopes and dreams in this life that has been rocked with tragedy at such a young age for her. Thanks again to all who wrote. Although I knew I was doing the right thing, it was wonderful to have the support of so many. SD2

Wendy, Sorry you're feeling sad today. I too am rather blue right now. The kids are all gone for the evening, and I sit here alone. We used to cherish the quiet times alone. When you have 4 kids in the home, quiet time is a premium! Three day weekends were always looked at as an opportunity to spend an extra day together doing 'us stuff'. Somehow, an extra day to sit in the home alone as the kids are busy with their friends, doesn't seem like such a holiday. I'm sure things will get better with time, but right now it just doesn't seem like this long weekend will be very enjoyable. Don't get me wrong--it is nice to see the kids for an extra day before heading back to work, but not having the love of your life to sleep late with, steal mischevious glances from, joke with, and simply relax and enjoy their company, is very difficult. Good luck with things this weekend. Hopefully, things will get better for you. SD2

Thanks Jackie. I know as bad as it is that I have lost the love of my life and my daughters have lost their mother, my life is better because of Julie, and I also now have the blessing of two daughters in addition to my two boys. Those blessings make me a very lucky man in that respect.

Bob, Your point is very well taken. If somehow he 'wins', he will be the biggest loser of all. You take a 17 year-old girl who doesn't want to be with you, then force them to do so, and you've got a recipe for misery beyond belief...hey, maybe we're onto something here! She actually LOVES me and WANTS to be with me, yet she can turn my day upside down when she's mad at me! She might just be angry enough at him to take this as a personal challenge to exact payback for years of no calls, cards, gifts, or even acknowledgements. If there was some way to give out that kind of payback, without having her involved, I'd sign up in a second!! Oh, the beauty of daydreaming! SD2

Morally, you are correct kayc. Unfortunately, the legal obligation for child support in our state stops in June, following her graduation from high school. Luckily, I am in a place financially where I can pay for MY daughters to both attend college. One word-Karma.

September 26th is the big day! The term 'celebration' would seem an odd thing to do, but in this case, we would most definitely have cause. I'm really hoping that the judge rules against him quickly and we can move on without this additional black cloud hanging over our family. I've used the phrase 'I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy' before. I'm pretty sure I haven't uttered the phrase since April 2nd, and for very good reason. I've got to run now. I have to leave at 5:00 am for a business trip for a few days. The kids will be with their grandparents. I'll try to keep up from the hotel. This is my first trip since the tragedy. I'm planning for a couple of rough nights, as I used to call her and talk at length before retiring for the night. Now, I'm sure it will be longer conversations with the kids. Take care all, and thanks so much to everyone for your support. SD2

She has a tough outer shell, but a heart of gold. Immediately after the filing, she told us both that if her sister was forced to go to counseling with biodad, she wanted to be there to protect her. That showed me very quickly that sibling rivaries may appear to run deep, but this family will stick together and circle the wagons to protect each other. Each day that passes is a day closer to her 18th birthday. I'm guessing that will be a day of celebration for all of us...just for different reasons than those of a typical 18 year-old.

I might be tempted to buy them all myself, just to avoid the risk of missing a microsecond of that fun! Listen to me...I'm starting to sound like a crazed individual. They only thing I ever did that could be termed 'crazy' was to propose to Julie two weeks after our first date! What can I say--I consider myself a really good judge of character! In this case, I swung at the first pitch and hit it out of the park!! I was 'crazy' alright. Crazy in love with her!!!

If you think the 17 year-old is tough, you might be frightened by the 19 year-old. Though they have the sibling rivalry, she has said she would welcome the opportunity to confront bio-dad in a public place--perhaps in his office in front of waiting patients!! Oh, that would do my heart good!!!!

The emancipation issue is an option, but my daughter is so angry with him, she told me 'dad, I do not want you to let him off the hook on his child support. You're already the one paying for our college. Don't let him benefit just because mom died.' She may be scared, but she is pretty strong willed. As they say he!! hath no fury like...well, you get the picture!

I have retained an excellent attorney. At this point, we are simply trying to delay things through continuances and 'unforeseen occurrances' until she turns 18. At that point, the court cannot order her to even acknowledge her biological father, much less live with him. In our state of residence, they follow what is known as the 'parental preference doctrine.' Basically, it says in a challenge, a biological parent who is 'able to' care for their child and has not been deemed 'unfit' to do so, has the right to obtain full custody over the objections of other relatives and non-relatives unless that decision would clearly put the child in danger (I'm paraphrasing, as I'm not an attorney). The issue is more of attempted fear and intimidation at this point, as well as avoiding his monthly child support obligation. He has stopped paying his child support as well, so my attorney's fees are all coming out of the general fund that is used to pay monthly bills. His 'non-existance' was a bit of a blessing for Julie, in that she never had to talk with him or worry about even hearing any of his babble. Unfortunately for our youngest daughter now, he has decided that he wants to make noise. At $400/hour, my 'noise cancellation device' gets a little expensive if you know what I mean. Anyway, I didn't mean to turn this into a custody post, but thought I'd just clarify the situation. Thanks again for your input.

You all are amazing. Today was a better day for me. I am so thankful to be able to come here and share my thoughts with folks who know exactly what I'm going through. I was physically exhausted when I woke up this morning. My eyes were still puffy as I headed off to work. Recalling the supportive posts, as well as re-reading them a couple of times when I had a few minutes at my desk, helped give me strength. Fred, you are right. I have no need to hold anything back from people who are being so kind and supportive. Here goes. My daughters are actually my stepdaughters. I married their mother in January of 2001. Their father has abandoned both of them, although he is a successful doctor who lives a few miles from our home. He cut off all contact with them several years ago. I promised my wife if anything ever happened to her, I would take care of the girls as if they were my own biological daughters. I fully plan to do so, as both will be going through college (along with my 16 year-old son) over the next 7 years. Two days after Julie's death, 'superdad' contacted his attorney, and filed a motion intent on gaining full residential custody of our 17 year-old! He is trying to get the court to force her into counseling with him! The loser hasn't spoken to her or even sent a birthday or Christmas card in years. He is however, required to pay child support for the next 13 months. Avoiding this responsibility is apparently more important to him than her emotional well-being. She is terrified that somehow, some way, the courts would rule in his favor. In our state, actually trying to get legal custody over a biological parent would be going against established statutes. Nevermind that he abandoned her and that she has referred to me as her 'dad' for the past 7+ years! Her 19 year-old sister is staying with me, so her fear is that if he is successful, not only will she have to live with a man who abandoned her, and whom she despises, but that she will be separated from the only family she has known for years. So yes, in addition to dealing with the grief of losing my wife at 44, and trying to raise 4 children alone, I find myself embroiled in a custody battle for the girl I've called my daughter for the past 7+ years. Can you imagine the affect this is having on her grieving process?? She loses her mother, and then two days later...this! I believe the totality of my situation is what causes the lows for me to go so low. I have SO much going on that I don't normally have much time to think about the hand I've been dealt. However, when times do slow up a bit, and I get a chance to catch my breath, I realize the enormity of the task at hand and know that I MUST succeed, for I am the only one that these 4 children can count on. At work, I have hundreds of families counting on me daily, and I turn them off when my family time turns back on. I swear, the last month and a half almost seem like a couple of weeks. I know that Christmas will be here before I know it. We will be taking a family trip to the Rocky Mountains to scatter Julie's ashes in late July. I just hope I'm ready for it at that time. With your help and the help of my friends and colleagues, I pray that my family will remain intact and evolve into a much stronger, passionate, loving unit that will get us beyond this terrible tragedy. Thanks for letting me share this with you. Very few of my friends know the entire story. Singledad2