I Lost My Sister, My Best Friend, My Heart

[Guest Guest_Leslie_*]

I lost my beautiful sister six months ago, on September 25, 2005. She was 33 years young. She left a one year old, a husband, two parents, a 35 year old brother and I. I am 25. She was my Best friend and my mother figure. She basically raised me and protected me my whole life. She was a beautiful peron who loved me more than anyone ever will. She was the joy of my entire family and anyone who knew her. I'm trying as much as I can to deal with my loss. My mother is absolutely destroyed. I'm looking into therapy, because it isn't getting easier at all. I also hope that if I can go to therapy, I can convince my mother to come as well and it would help her and strengthen our relationship. I know nothing about therapy, grief counseling, or what they do for you. I was wondering if anyone can suggest something that made them feel better.

[Maylissa]

Leslie,

I'm sorry about your losing your sister. Sibling loss seems to be a very disenfranchised type of grief and I know how hard it is to find help for it out there. I hesitated ( too long, probably ) in replying just because of this, as it's been over 2 years for me since losing my oldest brother and his loss was not only considered not as important by most people, but also fell only 2 months after my Mom's, so I've not gotten much help, yet, for dealing with it. Even on boards, I find I can't as easily relate to as many sibling losses, simply because the majority of them seem to be in a different age group from mine and my brother's.

While I did avail myself of a psychologist when my Mother died, and a 6-wk. grief group ( a free one ) locally, neither avenue helped me much when it came to my brother's death because a.) my Mother's death was actually more traumatic for me, so I focused, by necessity, on that in private counseling, and b.) the grief group had no other sibling losses among the attendees, so his loss got completely glossed-over in the fray. So the most help I've gotten has been on boards such as this one, but even then, it's been more limited.

As for going to counseling, for both you and hopefully your mother, too, I think it would be a good idea, as you are in the driver's seat as to what you want to address when you're paying for it. My opinion is, the more family members who get counseling, or any other avenues of help, the better, so you can all work together on issues as they arise out of mourning....even if each person's counseling is independant. A good counselor should be able to help with most of your issues and questions about grief, but I would always try to find one who's had the same loss as you've had, as I think that's where true empathy and understanding comes from...so you and your mother might want to find different counselors - one for sibling loss and one for child loss. The organization, "Compassionate Friends" is another possibility for each of you, as this group deals with child loss, but also sibling loss, depending on how your local chapter is set up. For me, it wasn't available, as our local chapter only allows for siblings up to the teen years, so adult sibling loss has been....well, disenfranchised again, and by the very group that was set up to deal with it! I was NOT amused! You can also access your mental health association to see what other groups are available locally, and DO do as much reading about your particular loss as you can. If nothing else, a proper education in what to expect is a good thing.

And of course, you CAN also come here to talk more about your particular feelings and events surrounding your sister's death. Just because I couldn't find many who could relate to my own situation, doesn't mean you won't! Good luck and I hope you can find what suits you best.

[Guest jenny Smith]

Hi Leslie, i have just found this site and although it is a relief to have come across it, it is also hard to read.

My eldest sister died 7 yrs ago from misdiagnosed cervical cancer leaving two young kids and three younger siblings and mum and dad. It really has taken ages to process and I think the process of healing and grieving is still going on. The most helpful things for me have been to accept all my feelings and take them seriously, and when i have questioning thoughts like not feeling entitled to my sadness, I unpick them a bit and give myself permission to allow myself to feel massively bereft.The feelings have definately been too much for me at times and since she died i have developed a pattern of waking up scared at night when things get overwhelnming like i can't cope with too much emotional stress because i am trying to process such a lot most of the time as a result of losing her.

I identify with your statement about her being a mother figure, i think older siblings often play that role which explains how significant the loss can feel. I am in a therapy group and have been for six yrs and that has been immensly supportive - it is not a specialist grief group it is simply therapy for whatever issues we have and I have returned to the issue of my sisters death alot particularly at anniversarys etc.

i have also written letters to her which was very therapeuatic, I even had a dream after she died when she came to me and said Jenny why don't you write to me so it was like I was getting guidance. I found that i was putting others in my family first like their grief was more important, but if you havent worked thru your own you can't realy support others thru theirs. Photo's are really good for releasing feelings, and one thing that stands out massively is that initially i just kept saying to my friends when am i gonna stop feeling like this, when is it gonna go? and now i know that it won't ever go, it shouldn't ever go, but the loss does subside but only after quite a time.

The hardest part for me and still is, is the fear that I too am gonna die young and that if that happens i will regret my life and regret not doing all that i wanted too, so i do try and take that on and make choices that reflect my highest goals but some days i am stuck in negativity and blame etc and those just feel hard but still part of life. I am very sensitive to pain in my body and so what i have done is to check things out like go to drs and even A&E one time which afterwards i realised was on the annniversary of her being diagnosed and i think my body was just reminding me.

Being around her kids has been painful and it's an easy area to feel inadequate in. My sisters kids are really lovely but they are definately bereft and their lives have taken a turn for the harder thru losing her which is a very painful reality. I wanted to compensate massively, but obviously I have limits.

i hope this helps, do write again, sharing similar experiences is really therapeutic

good luck with it all

love from Jenny, Bristol, Uk xxxxxxx

[kookie]

How can I do this? We will be 40[would have been] on the 13 of aug,2006. She died a suspicious death July 22,2006 and she has three children that are now my responsibility. My twin and I were so close we could read each others minds not only from across the room but from across town. This scared lonely feeling controls me, I feel like I am just a walking shell. I lost my mom a few years back but death is nothing new to our family in 15yrs there has been 8 friends and family members lost. I am now feeling anger that everyone is still moving forward and I am stuck in this nightmare.

[dpodesta]

Hello all

I am so sorry that you are haveing to go through these losses. I lost my wife to a heart attack on April 6th of this year and I have a 7 year old son. The feelings of loss, emptiness, and anger are all of the signs of recovery, and are perfectly normal.

I went to counsling a long time ago with my dad and as it was said earlier, when you pay for the sessions, you are in the drivers seat, they are there to guide you through. I believe it is a good idea for anyone who feels like they aren't moving forward.

Kooike, being that you are only into the first 5 weeks, it doesn't feel like you are moving forward right now and it won't for a little while longer. I just now feel like I am getting somewhere and starting to live my life again. It will be a difficult first year, but it will get better.

You all have taken a huge first step in your recovery by coming to this site and posting here. There are a lot of friendly people here that are more than willing to listen and to help you through this.