The Hole In My Life

[Guest Vickie]

I am not sure where to start. My daughter died last July. She had leukemia. She was only 33. I miss her so much. I posted on another site for a while and thought I had had enough pain so I decided not to go back to the site anymore. I was tired of reading about all the pain and never feeling any better just angry that so many had to feel this way. I made up my mind that I was over IT...IT still hurts. Right now I just want to hear her voice or see her one more time. Just once more. I thought I would know when the time was near but I didnt and I did not make it to her side. I tried to get there but I was to late. to late. she was gone. Everyone keep telling me that it has been such a short time and it will get better...ok when, tell me when this horrible feeling will ease. Most days I flounder around keeping busy looking ok but I am not ok. Sometimes the hole seems to get bigger, sometimes it seems smaller. I just want to crawl in it and not come out. My family needs me. I have to get passed this. I am working on it, my daughter would tell me not to give in to it, to move on, except it and move on. It is so hard. I have never felt this way before. I never knew anything could hurt so much. I am sorry for the rambling, but the two glasses of wine is probably the cause of that. I know I will make it out of this hole. I have alway been strong I dont know what happened this time. I thought I could handle anything. My daughter would have handled it. I know she is telling me it will be ok. I am sorry if I said anything I should not have here. It is time for me to go lie down a while. I pray God will help me find peace tonight. thank you for letting me find my way here, maybe I will sleep tonight.

[Guest Guest_Ken_*]

I am sorry for your loss. I lost my son last week. The only things I have of him are my knowledge of his life, his ways. I can only feel that getting through this will be helped by honoring him. Adrian was a great guy, only 23. There are so many things he was about but mostly he was about love. He did things with his friends to watch out for them, was always a gentleman, and helped my middle son heal over a family argument.Right now the only way I have to go forward is to honor his life, his ways, and try to go an extra step to help someone else, make someone smile or laugh, help my friends. I think this way the best of him will always be with me. I know I have a lot more to go through, to help my wife, Adrian's Mom, to get through, but I have to start somewhere. I hope this helps and I send my love.

[dragonfly7573]

Dear Vickie... I'm sooo sorry for your Loss!!! I too lost my Daughter, "Brandy", in an auto. accd't. My Daughter, was also my Best Friend! She was 24 when it happened! It's been 7 yrs. for me. I still hurt!!! I hate the words "You must move on"! Because to me, that means leaving her behind! I will not EVER do that! I don't want to forget, anything about her, her & I etc. I'm still triing to figure out a way, of "Surviving" this! And all I can come up with... is I have to figure a way to move forward, with her still, very much, with me! I can't let go! And I Refuse too!

[Jester]

Vickie, Ken, Dragonfly:

I am truly sorry for your losses. Yes, this is something that you probably hear too often, and it does nothing for you, but I really am. I know moving on may seem like accepting God's will, like saying "it's ok" when it's not. I don't really know what moving on means anyways, I move on in the sense that I go to work everyday, clean my house and do other things instead of staying in bed, where I would love to stay every morning.

July... it is still too soon, Vickie. I have read and I have been told it takes between 8 and 12 months to grieve and learn how to live with this loss, supposedly at this time, one feels better. I also know no grieving is the same, and many details can change that timeframe, such as if there were things pending, promises not fulfilled, the kind of relationship you had with your daughter, and the way she passed. Don't let anyone tell you how you should grieve or how long, take your time, even if you feel you have to be strong for your family, you have to grieve first to be strong later. You are entitled to it.

Ken, I am very surprised at the way you are handling things. Keeping the lessons our loved ones give us and living by those lessons is a beautiful way of remembering and honoring them, of moving on with them inside us. What you wrote is beautiful, and I could feel my eyes sparkle once again. I admire you.

Bless you all.

[STARKISS]

Hi Vickie,

I am very sorry for your loss, I know that you are so very sad right now and are probably feeling like why me? I can only say that God has plans for all of us and only He knows how long we are going to be here on earth.. I know that your daughter probably meant a great deal to you and you miss her so very much but know that in time the pain will lessen even though you still miss her... Take care and God Bless you Shelley

[dpodesta]

To all of you who have lost a son or daugher, my heart goes out to you. I have one son who is 7 and my wife passed away this April. So I can't say I know what you are feeling, I don't know what I would do if I didn't have Carson. I have always thought that the loss of a spouse has to be the worst thing that can happen, but I think that lossing a child is probably worse. All I can say is moving on does not mean forgetting. Your child will alway live on as long as you remember them just like my wife will live on through mine and Carson's memories.

Lord, I just pray tonight that you give Vicki and all others on this site the peace that only you can give. Especially be with Vicki tonight as she is having problems with the loss of her daughter. Let her feel your loving arms around her and help her to have a peaceful sleep tonight. Give her strength for the upcoming day and help her to get through each day. It is in Jesus name I pray. Amen.

Vicki keep coming to this site there are a lot of people here that would like to help you through this journey. It is a rough road that none of us want to be on and we shouldn't travel it alone. We have found each other on this site through our common losses and everyone here is like family.

[racemom]

Hello I am going on this today by racemom. I am sorry for your loss. I to lost my son in a four wheeler accident 3 years ago and don't know how to go on with my life. I am in therapy and that helps along with my faith I still can't believe he is gone however not forgotten. You always feel like your the only one going thru this so it is good to know I now may actually found someplace to talk with someone who feels the same as I do.