Contempt For Mother In Law

[amanda]

Ive always been close to my mother in law saying shes the best mum in law anyone could wish for.But since losing my mum i tend to snap at her and think my mum wouldnt do that or say that.

I really dont want to be mean to her but it just happens and afterwards i feel awful,she never says anything and says its ok when i say sorry.

I dont mean to compare her to mum but i cant help it.

has anyone else felt like this? or am i just an awful person?

amanda

Edited April 1, 2006 by amanda

[Paul S]

Hi amanda!

You're not an awful person. Anger is VERY common in grieving, as you will no doubt find out from others who are going through this. We've all been very angry, and oftentimes the anger is misplaced.

This is totally amateur pop psychoanalysis, but I'd say you're angry with your mom for leaving you, and are transferring that anger onto your mother-in-law. A part of you may be resentful that your mom is dead, but your mother-in-law isn't, and that the 'wrong' mom is still around.

That's my two cents. (or two farthings. whatever you say in the UK)

[amanda]

paul s

thank you for saying im not awful.You are right about me being angry with my mum for leaving.i also feel bad that she didnt get to enjoy her holiday before she got sick,after i had been to orlando 3 times and told her how great it was,she was so looking forward to it.

however as you can imagine my last visit wasnt so great but im glad i saw her before she died,im not sure if she new i was there.

By the way im not old enough to remember farthings but here in england we say two pence worth.

thank you again paul s

from amanda

[shell]

Amanda,

I can definitely see why you would be angry at your mother-in-law. I could love a mother-in-law too, but if my own mom died I would feel resentment, like she couldn't take the place of my mom, or maybe I would feel guilty loving another "mother" when mine was gone. I'm just trying to picture how I would feel, but those things come to mind. It's just good that she seems to understand. Don't feel guilty about it. You are going to go through some strong and oftentimes confusing emotions that don't seem to make any sense.

I have had doctors and hospice nurses tell me that people DO hear you, even when they seem to not be aware of anything. Maybe they say that just to make you feel better, but somehow I believe it. I'm sure your mom knew you were there.

Hang in there,

Shell

[amanda]

hi shell,

I think you have hit the nail on the head,I do feel guilty now my mum has gone.

The first day we were at the hospital they took my mum off of sedation and she had tears flowing down her face im not sure if it was because we were there or if she was scared because she new what was happening,I hope it was not the latter.

I could only stay 5 days and feel bad about that,but at this point there was still a little hope,two days after we left she was smiling and we thought she had started to get better then the next day she went so far down hill there was no turning back.It took a while for my step dad to agree to turn off the life support,it was me that really got him to do it ,now i feel bad about that as well,Im a total screw up arent i.

here i am rambling again sorry.

thanks shell

from amanda

[shell]

Amanda,

Repeat after me: You are not rambling! Really, you aren't and I like to hear from you.

Turning off life support is a really tough decision. I've never had to face that, but I think every time I have to have one of my fur babies put to sleep it is somewhat like it. You have to decide to stop their suffering and misery and it takes tremendous love for someone to do that. So, I feel your help in your dads decision was not only a very loving gesture for your mom, but also for your dad. It was probably just the reassurance that he needed to help him carry it out.

I'm also so sorry you had to think your mom was getting better, only to have it turn so bad. That's like an extra slap in the face.

Hugs,

Shell

[amanda]

shell,

I told my step dad that it was the final act of love he could show my mum,he finally decided to give the consent but couldnt stay with her,I dont blame him for that.

Two nurses that had been caring for her stayed after thier shift and held her hand and said prayers as she passed.

One nurse went down to tell him she had gone ,then she took him out for a meal,as he was not eating well.she then took him back to his hotel and had a drink with him.

the next morning she went back took him out for breakfast and it went on like that until his flight home .

Im still in touch with her now.

Thats what i was trying to say about the compassion not only for my mum but for my step dad too.

I wish i could have flown back over for when she passed,so i could have been thier for her and john (my step dad).Ive been lucky to have two dads in my life that i totally love.

It is a bit like having a fur baby put to sleep in the sence that you want to end any suffering but in a way it leaves you feeling responsilbe for thier death.I know in my heart it was the right thing to do but that doesnt make me feel any better about it.

by the way i like hearing from you too.

from amanda

[shell]

Amanda,

That is so great about the nurse who took care of your step-dad. It makes me feel good that there are decent, kind people out there. I have to be reminded every once in awhile.

I know what you mean about knowing it's the right thing to do, but it not helping you feel any better. It's the hardest decision you'll ever have to make. But you made the right one and have to realize how much courage that took. As you told your step-dad, it's the final act of love. What a beautiful way to put it.

hugs,

Shell

[Guest Guest_Bridget_*]

Taking someone off life support is a very hard decision. I did it with my Mom but my brother could not. I knew it was time...for her to move on. The closer you get to the mechanics of the dying process - the more real it becomes but it does not make it easier. By taking that action you have to give up any hope ( realistic or otherwise) that she will recover. Wow that is so sad...

As for transfering anger to a mother-in-law. I think when I finally got over my initial grief around my mother, I kept wondering why my mother-in-law who is not a very supportive person gets to live on and my mother who was suportive had to leave. Just part of the reality that life is not fair and we are all on individual paths.