amanda

hi shelley, i dont know if you remember me i havent been around for a while but i recentley went back to disney after my mum died there in may 2005.It was sad but im glad i did it. i took diazipan for the flight which did help,at first every time we drove past the hospital i felt sick but on day 11 i plucked up the courage to take a card and some chocolates to intensive care to say thank you to the staff.To my suprise 2 of the nurses who had care for my mum were on shift,they were great,spent about half an hour with me talking about my mum and how i was feeling now,after i left the hospital it had helped greatly.so a big thank you to celebration hospital once again they were wonderful. I cant promise it will help for you but it did for me. Im a bit sad this week mums birthday would have been on the 7 th but at least im crying now. i wish you all the best. loads of love amanda

hi shell, well putting it like that maybe i am a good mum.thank you. if you hadnt guessed im not very self confident not like i used to be so i am trying to change that but slowly, I hope 2007 is a better year for everyone on this site. I know we could all do with a better year. loads of love from amanda

hi shelley, i hope you get this. dont worry about whats normal or not,i think there is no such thing as normal when it comes to grief,although we all experience simalar feelings we all had different relationships with our loved ones so no two losses are the same. try to go with the flow minute by minute if thats what it takes and dont let anyone tell you that you have grieved for long enough,its a personal thing and it cant be rushed. Its been since may 2005 for me with my mum and i havent finished grieving if there is such a thing as finished. look after yourself my friend. all my love from amanda

hi shell thanks for the comment though i dont think im a great mum but i do my best and love my children totally. yoiu take care aswell loads of love from amanda

hi shell, i had an extra one for you but wished i hadnt,ha ha. well i am doing ok,i have my moments when panic sets in and im overwelmed with grief but im dealing with it one day at a time. ive just had my 1 st christmas without all my kids here dan spent it with his girlfriend,that made it a bit harder but he did pop in to give me a hug. im so lucky top have great kids who love and support me. look after yourself my friend loads of love amanda

hi shell, not to bad but this time of year is always hard,i am just thankfulto have the rest of my family here and i will have a drink for my mum later.hope you have been ok. have a good one all my love from amanda

hi i know its been a long time since i was here last,sorry. Just wanted to say merry christmas to everyone. I know its a very hard time of year for all of us. try and have some fun,although i know i will feel guilty if i do. so here it it is merry christmas all my love from amanda

hi shelley, first let me tell you i am so so sorry for your loss,when you have lost both of your parents i think it hits really hard. i lost my dad 12 years ago and then my mum may 2005,im still not over it,if there is such a thing. I think its really normal to have delay reactions with grief,there is no hard or fast rules, everyone is different in the way they cope with each loss and each loss is different as you never have the same relationship with one person as you do with another. the only advice i can give you is to hang in there,take each minute as it comes and dont beat yourself up for the way you feel ar the way you are reacting to your great loss. all my love amanda

leann, i am so so sorry you are dealing with another loss,sometimes we feel like our bad times will never end,i know that feeling very well. please remember your site family are here for you. all my love amanda

To all Americans and to everyone that was affected by 9/11,my thoughts and and tears are with you today. This is a day that will remain in everyones mind forever,those lost will never be forgotten. I wish you all some kind of peace and healing. loads of love amanda

hi as4me, I am so sorry for your loss. I too am the strong one of the family (well thats what everyone wanted me to be),by bottleing up my feelings i became physicly ill,having anxity attacks,papatations and it also made it so i could not move on from the first stages of grief. thanks to the people on this site i have learnt to be able to let go and tell my family that i feel too. when my dad died my mum told me it was worse for my sister because she lived closer to him. when my mum died my stepdad said the same.miles dont make you love someone less, so I started to speak up and say hey IM NOT AS STRONG AS YOU WANT ME TO BE,I HURT TOO and if you dont like this then tough. It really has been hard to accept that my mum is gone i lost her 16 may 2005, i still have days where i go to call her and thats hard but some days i have are ok days now. by allowing myself to grieve i am becoming slightly stronger,its strange but you have to let it out and ride through it to come out the other side if that makes any sense to you. remember everyone here understands and welcomes you to our site family. loads of love amanda

hi maylissa, reading your post has me in tears, im so very sorry for the loss of your baby girl and im sorry for the horrific pain you are feeling. i know there is nothing i can say to make you feel better,you have been an outstanding mother to nissa,you have endured more than most people and given her time that many babies wouldnt have been given.well done for being a fantastic mum to her. I think that the vet needs a lesson or two in his bedside manner,he sounds very inconsiderate,us parents need our needs to be reconized also. i think you are only having nightmares because the pain is so great,in time i hope your dreams will become of a more pleasant nature about nissa. sorry im not as eleqant with words as some but my love and care comes straight from the heart for you. Everyone on this site values and cares for you greatly.You were missed whilst you were not here. take care maylissa. all my love amanda

hi funnyface, you really are getting a dose of it arent you my love.Im so sorry to hear that your jake maybe sick(i have to say your jake as i have a jake who is a black lab cross),im really hoping it something like fatty tissue lumps that are harmless. whatever happens your friends will be here for you and yes you can get through this one. all my thoughts are with you and my fingers are crossed. loads of love amanda

hi haley, wow you will have a wicked time,getting away nearly always makes you feel great so go for it girl and have fun. charlie1 i to have tried the gym thing but i was never motivated enough so instead i do a paper route i think thats what you call it,that way i get paid to get fitter as we have to put each paper through the doors of each house its alot of walking.also i have to muck out my daughters 2 ponies .thats hard work but i enjoy it as it is a way to escape and concentrate on and giving they a comfy bed. loads of love amanda

hi funnyface, i think the balloon idea is wonderful,maybe i will do it for my mums birthday. my first anniversary of my mum was almost worse than when i first lost her,i think that was because i had started to allow myself to grieve instead of bottling it up but im glad i did start to be able to let out the pain and anger its so destructive not to. i will be thinking of you on the 28th. take care loads of love amanda

hi ann, maybe thats part of my tiredness,i really hadnt thought of the little time i get sleeping. loads of love amanda

hi regas, shell is totally right once again,you have to tell the children the truth,it will be hard for them and thier mother but with your support im sure they will get through. sorry i couldnt be any more help. amanda

hi judith, im so sorry for your loss the pain of losing a much loved baby is so horrific, i lost cindy after 16 years and 5 months,i have her ashes here and always talk to her. molly may was a very lucky baby to have had you in her life,to have found out what total love and commitment was. there is nothing i can say to make you feel better but posting here and haveing the support of others that understand is invaluable. take care. loads of love amanda

hi all, im so glad to hear im not abnormal my husband says im really lazy,i go to bed at around 11pm and get up at 5.30am and i always need a nap during the day. thank you all for letting me know that im not the only tired wore out one. loads of love amanda

hi haley, i you are not the only one to do this,16 months on from losing my mum i still want to call her and have picked up the phone to do so. I also find that good news brings bad feelings,as soon as something happened good or bad i would call my mum and now i get really sad when i cant. if it wasnt for the people on this site replying to me i think i would have gone insane. maybe other people wouldnt mind if sometimes we posted our good news as we cant go loved ones any more.but i dont know what others think about that? i know when i have good news it hurts and it hurts alot. loads of love amanda

the 1st anniversary is awful,ive just had my mums in may,i am thinking of you and hope todays is not to awful for you. loads of love amanda

hi shell, yes you most probably will fall apart in the normal sence of grief,but we will all be here for you, as you have been for us. take care my friend loads of love amanda

hi rayon, Isnt it strange how we are capable of doing anything as adults then all of a sudden our lives are turned upside down and inside out,we feel as if we are children all over again without the ability to cope with life and all the mess it throws at us. One day you will regain some control in your life but for now let yourself have the time to do what ever you want to,i made the big mistake of not allowing myself to grieve,putting on a brave face ,being strong for the family but with the help of this site and the people on here ive begun to let go,its hard but it does make you stronger and life more bearable without your loved ones. loads of love amanda

hi shelley, i know that feeling well,after mum died i felt very bitter in a way towards my mother in law because she was here and mum wasnt,i felt guilty and i felt i was an awful person in time i thnk i have over come those feelings but sometimes it still bites. Ive not been to bad well untill i heard about the bombings in turkey and had a 2 second panic what if they hit the greek islands but i soon came back down from that one. darren has kept his promise to call me daily he is having a good time and im really pleased for him,he deserves a good time to be able to pass his exams as well as dealing with grief shows alot of maturity and courage.i would say that im his mum. Im very proud of my kids they are great people to know and a pleasure to have brought up. shelley remember you dont always have to put a happy face on,even after a party you can always find some where to have a good cry or come here and let your feelings out.I bottled my feelings up for to long and are now paying for it,slowly getting better though. loads of love amanda

hi rayon, Ive been told that your hearing is the last thing to go when we pass,so i am sure your dad heard you tell him you love him,its the doubt that we are left with that eats us up. I always thought my parents would live forever even threw any illness they had,but here i am at 36 with no parents left,but they live on in our hearts and minds,that hurts to begin with but slowly the good memories over take the bad. i know everyone says time heals,in a way it does,you are in the very early raw stages of hurt and grief,try to hang in there. my heart goes out to you at this awful time. loads of love amanda