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Painful way to end things


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Hello!

My boyfriend of 2.5 years broke up with me almost 6 months ago. It was a horrible situation. Here is a summary:

His mother was diagnosed with late stage pancreatic cancer in January. I was very close with her as well. She left the country to receive treatment in a better hospital, and we were left behind. I wanted to support him throughout this period, but her diagnosis also had a very big impact on me and I became anxious, insecure and dependent. I felt that I had to make the relationship more serious and solid if we wanted to get through it together and his mom also pushed us to do so. We ended up moving into her place while she was away, so we could take care of the house and inhabit it. 

During this time, we went to visit her where she was receiving treatment. I really wanted to support him and to be there for him. However, I started feeling like I didn’t belong. They made it quite clear in a few occasions that I wasn’t supposed to be there and that I was unwelcome. This unspoken rejection was very painful and i didn’t deal with it in a good way. I didn’t listen to it and tried to forcefully fit in. They also were unable to tell me how to support them or how to be present. They just kept inviting me places, taking me places and then making me feel like I shouldn’t be there. When we went back home, I was feeling very bad about the whole thing, and I tried to talk to my boyfriend about it, but he was in so much pain as well that he was unable to see what I complained about. He was so angry at me for feeling uncomfortable that he didn’t speak to me in days. He wrote a letter to himself about how much he hated me being there, and how much I had ruined his time with his mother. He then forgot the letter and she read it. 

This happened when we were already back home. We tried to talk it over and it was very difficult. Then his mother decided she was going to move back for a month, which meant that we were going to live together all 3 of us. I asked him what I should do, and he just said he didn’t know, but that perhaps I should go. I didn’t have anywhere to go to, so I asked him for help. After all, we had both decided to live together and I felt that simply kicking me out was wrong. He never helped me look for a place, nor financially. So I, stupidly, stayed. 

Long story short, it was the worst period of my life. I am so grateful I got to spend time with her, but I had never felt so under appreciated and left out. I tried giving them space, I would do my own thing every day and join them only for dinner or lunch. Still, they made me feel horrible. Eventually it all exploded and I, stupidly, confronted him with my feelings and told him that my relationship was with him, not with his mom. I said that I couldn’t handle the way he was handling our relationship, that I couldn’t deal with him not paying attention to me. I said that perhaps I should just go ahead and do my own life instead of being attached to his, and that that was I could be there for him in a better way. This confrontation was the worst thing I have ever done. He looked me in the eye and said that his mother was dying and I had no empathy. It haunts me to this day. 

The next day I couldn’t stop crying. I realised what a bitch I had been. I came back crying, asking to me forgiven, but although he said yes, it was too late and I couldn’t feel something inside of him had been broken. We agreed to take some space and some distance, so I moved out for a few days and then went travelling with  my family for two weeks. We barely spoke during that time. 

 

When i came back, he had packed all my stuff and left it outside. 

 

I managed to talk to him. He said it was over and it was done forever and there was no looking back. He was unbelievably harsh, but I could see the pain in his eyes. He couldn’t stop himself from grabbing my hand, but didnt reply when I said I would always love him.

 

After this happened, he asked all our mutual friends to pick sides. I lost a good dozen people in this. I never imagined I could feel so lonely and receive so much hate from a person who once loved me.

 

His mother passed away a month ago. I wrote him a message, for I didn’t want to disturb him with a call. It was a very nice, caring and respectful message. He never replied. I have sent him a total of 3 messages. He’s seen all of them, but doesn’t reply to them at all. He also didn’t tell me when his mother passed. Our mutual “friends” didn’t bother telling me either. I wasn’t welcome at her funeral. This has been very rough on me, since I still feel like I was a pet of it all, way more than all his friends that showed up. 

It’s been almost half a year since he officially broke up with me and tore me away from all of this. I, however, don’t seem to be able to put it behind me. I am devastated from his mother’s passing, from how he treated me, from how everyone turned their backs on me and I can’t seem to get rid of the guilt of having demanded too much of him at a point where he couldn’t give anything at all. 

 

Plesse help me.

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First I want to tell you how sorry I am for this experience, for I know it was painful, and still is.

When I went through it I didn't know it was a classic grief response, that some people feel they can't do a relationship at the same time as they are losing their parent.  I tell people now that are in this to avoid relationship talk, even saying "I miss you" can be construed as "pressure" to the person who is grieving.  Grief is a hard thing to go through and grievers often thin skinned and sensitive and can barely handle their grief, let alone anything else.  

Here is my story:

I consider mine a success story because after our months apart, we reconnected as friends, and all these years later, are close friends still.  It left its marks on both of us...he doesn't trust himself to get into a relationship again for fear something else will happen and he'll let someone down, and me, I have lost my ability to trust.  But I've had six major relationships so I call it good and have decided to go it alone.  I don't have any desire to go through any of it again.  I had a really good one but he died so I live with the memories I had with him.  

You are younger, and it's understandable you should want a relationship.  It sounds like you feel he is it and you're having a hard time grappling with what happened.

When two people break up it's good to take a break and work on yourselves.  It's good to take some positive with you and be able to let go of, forgive, the rest.  You might want some therapy to help you through that.  

Also, in a relationship it's good to be able to fully support yourself so you aren't dependent on someone else.  That frees you up to be able to enjoy the relationship rather than make demands that they may or may not be willing or able to take care of.  In a marriage there is some interdependence, but even then it's good to have some self-sufficiency.  My daughter was in a relationship for 17 years with the love of her life, married for 7 1/2 years, she lost her baby, and he suddenly left her!  This put a lot of stress on her to fully make all the bills on her own, at a time when her heart was broken!  It's been hard but she's done it these past seven months and then 1 1/2 months ago he told her he wanted back together.  She's taking it slow, wants to make sure it's for the right reasons, and there's some issues she wants addressed first.  I'm so proud of her!  She's thinking with her head as well as her heart, and that's so needed so they don't go through this again.  She's developed confidence and realized strength she never knew she possessed.  But it's been hard.

Your coming here is a good step, it really does help to express yourself and know you're heard.

You can't change your XBF, you can't make him want you, you can't change the past.  But you can take from this experience lessons learned and positive truths about yourself that will aid you going forward.  And once you've come to terms with some things you can begin to heal.  I wish the best for you.

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