Loss of mother and grandmother

[Boobear3322]

Soooo this is my first time ever on something like this and figured I would give it a try. So I lost my mother in December 2017 very suddenly. She had a cold witch had turned into pneumonia very quickly she was in the hospital 3 days and on the 3rd day she was gone. I’m now 26 and trying to figure out how to deal with this all my mom was my best friend and  the best thing in my life always their to help me listen to me and give me advice on everything and anything. Me and her had shared a house together did almost everything together. I have a older sister who had pulled away from us due to a new relationship this was before she had gotten sick. So it was always me and my mom against the world. She was a very heavy drinker but I dealt with it all my life so it wasn’t anything new. My sister could never handle the drinking always moving in and out of the house but I always stayed fearing if I would leave I would lose her, but I lost her anyway she was only 52. Like I said she had gotten a cold and it quickly turned into pneumonia, we where at the hospital and it still haunts me to this day when she herself went on hospice because their was no turning back she wasn’t going to make it. I was the strong one I talked with all the doctors,nurses, and specialists. My sister withdrew herself witch is a perfectly normal response to something like that. But on the 12th of December and my nephews 4th birthday she was gone. I remember being surrounded by my dad my sister her boyfriend (my good friend) my aunts my uncles my mothers bosses her best friend and the one nurse who somehow grew attached to me in as little as 3 days. but I remember sitting next to her and just looking into her eyes her beautiful milky brown eyes and telling her how much I loved her and it was going to be ok and hearing my aunts tell her to find my grandparents. And then before I knew it she was gone seeing my aunt who is a nurse give her a hard sternum rub to make sure she was gone. And that was it I called the funeral home and made arrangements for her to be picked up and then hearing my dad tell me it’s time to go. I lost my mind having to leave my mothers body their and just walk out of the room I felt as though I  was abandoning her leaving her their. So then came time to make the funeral arrangements call the family members friends ect. I was numb I didn’t have any emotions I was in complete and utter shock. We had the funeral its all a blur I don’t remember much of anything except trying to keep myself calm because My niece and nephew where their and I didn’t want them to see me break down. Then come 2 days later my grandmother had fell at her nursing home and broke her collar bone. And had a huge hole in her forehead from falling into something. So I was back and forth from home to my grandmother to work to my grandmother to home and so on. Then I got a text message from my dad telling me she wasn’t going to make it  she had cancer before and beat it but got it again and it had spread to her bones that’s why her collar bone broke so easily. So I rush to pick my cousin up and head over to see her the whole family is their I said to my sister I don’t know if I can do this again. My grandmother was also my best friend we talked multiple times a Day always checking up on each other or just to talk about anything literally anything. She helped raise me so in a way she was a second mother to me. So she made it threw the night and I HAD to go to work the next day so I go to work telling my bosses I’m not staying all day my grandmother isn’t doing well they understood and before I know it my cousin had texted me a crying face emoji and I said what and she said nanny is gone. I almost threw up in my classroom and almost passed out. I told my bosses and other teachers what happened and ran out the door balling my eyes out. Thinking to myself not again, so I go straight to my aunts where all my cousins are my sister is meeting us their we ball together she helped raise all of us and all’s I could think is how am I going to do this again. My mom on the 12th of December and my grandmother on the 22nd. My two best friends taken from me so close together. So we had to wait till after Christmas to have my grandmothers funeral and when I tell you I can’t remember anything except crying I mean it.  With the I’m so sorry for your loss and then the second I’m sorry about your mother as well I’m sorry your going threw this. So all is done and here I am trying to still move forward because as everybody is saying life goes on. I know life goes on and we all have to move forward with life and I have I have gotten promoted at work gotten raises still have my house but their is still such an empty hole inside me that’s so deep and it feels like it will never heal. And that’s why I’m here because I don’t know how to keep moving forward I feel as though I take steps forward but then get thrown a million steps back. 

[kayc]

Wow, to go through two close losses so close together, that is really hard, I'm sorry for your losses, I know it sounds like a cliche and doesn't begin to express it, but there are not words adequate for something like this.  I've had a LOT of losses in my life, but not two major ones together like that.  My husband died 13 years ago and although it wasn't my first brush with familial death, it was my hardest, and I've been living with death ever since...I've learned to coexist with my grief.  It becomes part of us, and is never entirely gone, it's like we live our grief side by side with our life, we're able to smile and laugh in time but all the while we're carrying this sadness inside of us, this missing part of us.  Gradually over much time, when we've had ample time to process our grief (I'm talking years, not months), the memories bring a smile and comfort, encouragement, instead of the pain they initially bring.  Essentially, I've had to grow up, be on my own, make all the decisions, and while it's developed inner confidence, sometimes it can be pretty tough too.  My husband was barely 51 when he died.  I wasn't close to my grandmothers, but there was a neighbor I grew up with all my life that was like a grandma, and she died when I was a young adult, by that time she'd moved to assisted living and I lived a few blocks from her, I used to go see her all the time...she'd been there for me my whole life and I didn't know life without her, so losing her was akin to your losing your grandma, I imagine.  My parent's home was dysfunctional but she lived across the street and I could always go talk to her, and did.

I realize death is the natural order of things, it's part of life, but it FEELS unnatural, and we never feel quite prepared for it when it occurs, not even if we know it's going to happen soon...there is that finality that sets in and it's hard hitting knowing we can't go to and talk to that person.  I lost my dad as a young adult and my mom just four years ago after her years-long bout with dementia.  There wasn't any estate to settle, everything went for her care as it's very costly.  My brother cleaned out the home when I was snowbound, wouldn't wait for better weather/roads, so I didn't get anything to remember her by...nothing.

The empty hole you talk about...that can take a long time to get through, we continue missing those we love, it never entirely goes away, just something more akin to getting used to and adjusting to the changes it means for our lives.  

If you haven't already, I would encourage you to get some grief counseling or at least attend a grief support group, it can help to know there are others going through the same thing, share experiences as to how you deal with it.  It's good to know you aren't alone in your feelings.  There are countless books and articles on the subject.  I want to give you a few links to get you started...I know, too much reading at once, but you can go through them little by little as time permits.

https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2014/08/grief-understanding-process.html
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/10/seeing-specialist-in-grief-counseling.html
http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2010/04/finding-grief-support-that-is-right-for.html
http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2016/04/in-grief-coping-with-multiple-losses.html
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/p/grief-bibliography_21.html
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/p/links-to.html