Dealing With Difficult Emotions

[Paul S]

KathyD:

Thanks for what you said. I think one of my problems, and I have more than 1 is that I tend to have a dualistic grasp of things There's an intellectual grasp, and an emotional one. The intellectual side tends to view milestones as a benchmark for the emotional grasp to target for its healing, whereas the emotional side tends to have a mind of its own and needs to get beaten up a bit before it decides to catch up to the intellectual grasp. I read in some AA lit that it is not uncommon with us addictive types, and that the lag between the when emotional side catches up to the intellectual is a good barometer of how much healing or what faults still remain. I dunno. That's my story and I'm stickin' to it.

tara12:

Feeling snappy and short tempered with others I think is common to all of us durning the first few months or so of grief. I wouldn't worry about it too much, if they're good friends than they may understand, and if not, who cares, anyway. You're going away for a long time, then you'll be back home (I think?) and maybe to you're old self (to an extent) plus all the changes that successfully working through the grief and your travels will bring you, and you can ree-visit these people, re-build friendships.

I am learning that each 'level' we reach, each hill we climb up, and then topple down a little, helps us to get to that next level. Then we deal with the emotions as best we can, let them lead us, or just accept them. Feelings are our feelings, sometimes there's little we can do. Fighting them makes it worse. (Are you listening, Paul?)

Things will get better, it just takes time. I go thru periods where I doubt that I will be over my grief, I went thru a doozy of a period just this week

End dint wuury abt the loozy spilling an nu spill chek, we din't mind it ull.

Mayberry:

Yah, grief is never really over, but the mourning can and should be. I've read in the grieving lit that we'll be grieving our losses the rest of our lives, its just that we'll have moved past the active stage and have just incorporated it into our normal lives. We'll have momentary 'grieving moments' when something will happen to trigger a memory, and we'll just have to stop and pause from life for a moment.

You said: It must be so much worse for all of you who still, or always, had normal family functions and contact, to be so suddenly denied that. Even I, who had nothing of the sort for about 17 years, ( and before that, it usually wasn't pleasant anyway ) felt myself being drawn to the very distant past and pining for the 'old days' and how things used to be way back when....in my case, most of it consisted of unrealistic dreams and hopes, but still....it was, and still can be, very hard to give up. So I really feel for all of you who really HAD some of the good family stuff. Maybe, in some strange twist of fate, I've actually been spared more sorrow than I could have handled otherwise, especially being a HSP ( Highly Sensitive Person - yes, folks, there IS an official label now for people like me!!...and I have the book to prove it! )

I guess there are trade offs, I suppose, vis-a-vis having had good family times (which I've had) and being suddenly ripped from it, versus little experience, just hopeful fantasies. You just play the cards life deals you, know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em. ...

You're a HSP???? NO?!?

Polka's are German, I think from the oompah band stuff of Bavaria. Polish-Americans (Or, Polish-North Americans ) highly influenced from the period of the Partitions of Poland by Prussia, Russia and Austria in the 18th Century adopted them here. Why, I dunno. I learned of this in James Michener's novel "Poland" Plus, they are a source of personal trauma for me, from childhood. Here's the layout: picture my old bedroom at the top of the stairs in the old house. The living room was off the foyer at the bottom of the stairs. It is a Sunday. Any Sunday, 8:29AM. I am sleeping peacefully, like angel, in my bed. My Mom goes into the living room, where the stereo is. Turns the volume of stereo way down. Turns stereo on, with the volume low. Stereo is already tuned to one of those ethnic radio stations around here that program in Polish and other languages on Sundays. Guy on the radio is giving the local news in Polish. OK? Sound still low. I'm still angelic in bed, blissfully unawares. The clock keeps ticking, ominously, as it marches its way to 8:35AM, when polka programming resumes. At this time, with the precision timekeeping that would make a Swiss watchmaker proud, Mom whips the volume up LOUD, and I am rudely, therapy-inducing awakened, JUST SO I CAN BE UP EARLY ENOUGH TO GO TO CHURCH, to the ROUSING, DISCORDANT WAILING of "I Don't Want her, You Can Have Her, She's too Fat for Me." Or, "In Heaven There is No Beer, That's Why We Drink it Here." Makes you wonder why I ever touched the stuff years later. Or explains it.

Hope all are well.

[tara12]

Hello paul and hello shell,

here i am in alone land .. just as well I am going , i seem to have lost every friend i thought I had here.. really truly... just either they moved ( 2 people) another is away ... and then about 6 or so total fallouts ...

awoke again to the neighbours ( theya re like 4 ft away from me on the same property , not this time to endless car alarms going off at 2 am( 2 nites in a row ) but this time to music blasting at 6 am....... i called out ( I never do this ) and said can you turn the music down PLEASE.... AND THEN SLAMMED MY WINDOW SHUT . so as a consquence I am tired again and pissed off with them and their constant selfishness....... and glad i am going ....... as hars as ti is .... it is only my dog it is ahrd to leave ... not much else , oh and the ocean ... but not PEOPLE.

I know this is grief in part . but if it is , well it sure shows u the truth of human nature in its extremes and mostly people dont appear to be much help. though there is some , like HERE and also a couple of other people , who i dont see much , but when I do it is helpful.... but its a counselor and my yoga teacher , so they dont really count as they are kind ( in their roles ) although I supsect also could be friends as well.....

then there is a couple peole i CAN CALL ON THE phone , and thats the things that save me form feeeling complete aloneness ... and self pity at my lot ;/

i SERIOUSLY do not know why I am doing what I am. but I AM AND Rather , than loose energy trying to analyse it and figure it out , bes tot just go with it and see how it unfolds . maybe it will be clearer once in the USA and in the end I tell myself WHO CARES... really , if i fail,even , who cares , noone much and thats good , sort of comforting . but at this stage i need to carry through and i KNOW once there new things will emege they have to .

paul , i so realte , to the addict and the duality and the sepreation and lapse between emotional and interllectual.... i have this . its slowley changing and madam lash is getting less , sometimes she isbrutal ( me to me) and i then now think , u know , expect nothing , there is no right , wrong , just things as they are ........ ITS A HARD LESSON FOR US CONTROL FREAKS WHO WANT TO BEABLE TO HAVE AN ANSWER TO EVERTHING AND FIGURE VERYTHING OUT ... AND BE HEALED ALREADY BEFORE WE EVEN GET A CAHNCE TO CRY .

but thats our training , i learn this , you did as well... the old get up and pull u boots on and so on.... others expect US , me , TO BE STRONG and so I am

I am strong .... but sometimes feel i have reached a limit . but no choice but to continue , cause noone can pick me up and give me a reprieve , no one is gonna wrap me up and take care of me . noone. so thats that .

it will be ok... I will go to the beach and have a swim and then come home and work work work and get this damn report in... I think i actually will still have another 4 days to do on it ....... which means ? I have no idea when , given i have to pack now. time is limited and passing and its hard .... why why ,c ant someone help me , I wish someone would . just small things , even , just somoene make me a meal , or mow my lawn ... but its not how it is . so all i can do is do what i can... thats all.............

be well and thanks for the replies and support , It helps just to talk to someone and know I am not the only one ... but sorry that it is so , sorry that u also have this hard time . but like we say to each other ( it will get better ) IT HAS TO. CAUSE EVERYTHING CHANGES AND EVERYTHING PASSES AND SO THIS TOOOOOOOO SHALL PASS..........

ALSO , IT HELPS ME TO REMEMEBER ALL THE THINGS TO BE GRATEFUL FOR , EVEN HARD AS IT IS ... U KNOW . we are alive ( i think this is a good thing? loll ) and we are healthy ( resoanbly ) and the sun shines and so on , we have food , we arent ina war ( directly getting bombed ) and others somehwere have it worse ......... not that I wisht hey did , but it helps me to think In the scheme of things , my lot is not that bad , really ... and so ....... on we go.

talk more soon.

x