Dealing With Difficult Emotions

[tara12]

Hello ,

I would like to hear how people deal with these issues . how do people cope with the feelings of betrayal and also fidning out people who u thought cared dont , how do you deal with the anger and rage inside . how do we , you , me deal with injustice . how does this complicate the initaial grief and make things harder . what helps ? please sahre this with me. especially i would like to hear if you have recent losses and if you have felt alone a lot and lacking in support . if you have lost friends ? if you feel really angry .. help em and hlep us , what will help ? is it faith ? a belief ? is it time ? what ?

please share ... if your buddhist , christaian , new age , whatever ? what has helped ? or have you lost faith or isit more important to you now ? do you run , do excercise ,g et massages ? or try forget and hide , do drugs ? has your drinking , drug use got more , taken up cigerettes..........

i feel a mess myself . i have lost so many people I am 46 and i feel like i am 80 or something in terms of losses. now noone is left . so I may as well be 80. i have lost people all my life . today I am numb and angry , normal i think . this is the hardest times , when i feel like this becuse i hate everyone including myself ... but i think this is normal , hard as it is.

[Paul S]

Hi tara!

Oh, boy, what a topic!

I have had a recent loss, which brought me to this board. My Mom died in November 2005. A rift between me and my sister developed quickly, (she is the executor) but the rift is not over things, as in who gets what. The rift developed over our personalities and how we handled it. (If you are interested, goto the "General Grief and Loss" section, and lookup the "Different Ways of Grieving" topic I started. You may get some helpful info there.)

How to cope with feelings of rage, anger, betrayal and injustice? First, and this answers another question you had, this DOES complicate the initial grief by making it harder to focus on the grieving process. It was complicated further for me by the fact that my sister's style of grieving was the opposite of mine (that's why I started that topic I mentioned.) You are distracted, you have all these feelings that are competing with what you think you should be feeling. But in addition, a lot of these feelings are natural anyway to grieving. But its worse when some of them are the direct result of other people's less than ethical actions and behavior. My coping with this was helped by my Faith and grief counseling. And so we go to another of your questions. (Boy, you asked a lot! )

I am a Catholic Christian, and that Faith has helped me immensely, especially in the teachings, generally shared by other Christian churches, of offering one's suffering up to God. The idea is that His Son, Jesus, suffered and died for us, and so we, as Christians, are to emulate Him by uniting our sufferings to the Cross. This isn't easy, especially if you're not a Christian, and its hard even if you are a good one. It takes practice, much prayer and meditation on Christ's Passion, Death and Resurrection. But being a Christian, especially Catholic isn't supposed to be easy, anyway. Being bound up in the grief of your loss makes it a bit tough, but for me, a breakthrough came with perseverance. The pain eased, but traditional Christian teachings on Heaven help and comfort. The idea that death isn't final, that death just transforms the relationship helps. Mom and the others I've lost can still help me, and look after me, they are just not physically present.

I was alone and lacking in support, because the situation just made relations with family harder. And so here we go to another question. I didn't do alchohol or drugs or smoking. I am an alcoholic, a recovered one, sober now for almost 4 years (May 22, 2002 is my sobriety date). I started AA meetings again, went to 1-3 a day for a month, then switched to f2f grief counseling (f2f means face-to-face. Someone, I won't mention who, didn't know ) To me, all this griefwork incorporates the sobriety stuff, if I don't get a handle on Mom's death, I'll just go back to drinkin'. And I really don't wanna do that!

I come to this board a lot, and talk to nice people, and read a lot of postings. I go to that f2f grief counseling, which I cannot recommmend enough! I also read books on grieving. I have a nice library that I am patiently wading through.

Instead, I go for walks a lot. It also helps that gas is in the neighborhood of $3.00/gal, nice incentive, but I like to walk anyway. See things better than if you are driving by them fast. I can think much better, and things seem to be resolved better afterwards. It was on a long walk that I took after I had found out that my Mom's old house was sold that I prayed for the new owners. Talk about a release! I felt better and as if a new page had turned. It took a half hour of walking before I convinced myself that it was the right thing to do, but it was a great healing.

I have found that I cannot forget or hide. (Well, concerning 'forget', i do have memory troubles, I have a hard time remembering some details of Mom, her daily habits and routines, and this is sad as I did live with her, taking care of her. I sometimes try, and succeed, but there is a pain, so I'll just try again when I am better. The memories are there.

Everything that you said in your last paragraph is basically normal. Everyone has common feelings and experiences, although the details differ, of course.

Keep sticking around, we need you, too.

I hope I helped.

[shell]

Tara,

As far as finding out people you thought cared, don't care, and friends not being there and betrayal....that has been a much talked about topic here! You are not alone. Search the topics and you'll find a lot posted about that.

People handle their grief in many different ways and I'm sure that includes drinking, using drugs, etc. I suffered anxiety attacks after my dad died and am now on anti-depressants, so sometimes you need medical help. As far as drinking and drug usage, I guess it is safe to say that we all know that's a trap you don't want to get into, as tempting as it is sometimes!

Unfortunately, it seems the only way to get through the grief, in one piece,is to face it. Feel what you feel and cry and cry. Like Paul said, counseling is an excellent idea and reading books on the subject. If you are lucky enough to have a deep faith in some religion, that would help tremendously.

Just read as many of the posts as you can and hang in there. It's a rough, painful journey, but it will get easier to deal with.

Hugs to you,

Shell

[tara12]

Hello ,

yes , this is a very topical thing i have discovered , The feeling of loss extends to friends and there are so mnay emotions connected to this expereince. For me it is not less yet , if anything I feel more now. I think losing my mum and dad so close has meant all i have had happening intensely for months is dying , death , funerals , lawyers , things , ashes , on and on ...... and form one moment to the next expecting somethings else to happen ,so my system is in permanant high alert . in shock .... and then the roller coaster of emotions is something else .... I do not remember having such intense feelings ever . very unexpected and totally on the edge of my limits

still , I am ok and grateful even ..... its a wild journey this, thanks for your words and support , this site is helping me a lot , just to know I am not alone , just knowing everything that i feel and is happening is actually noraml responses , I am not weird or overly dramamtic , its normal to feel up and down and normal to feel exhausted and angry and sad ........

still , i hope at some point , that things feel less anxious , less painful , less intense..... I feind it hard ot sleep right now , and i AM FINDING i AM DEPRESSED and anxious too much of the time... I also am not functioning very well and am tired so much and just sort of numb and uninspired . which is hard to accept......

please write more and tell me about how this time was/// is for you ?? I get a bit worried sometimes ... and need the reflecions and sharing with others in similar places or people who have been here and understand .... some how.

talk soon , I wish everyone well.... may we find our peace with things, and know we are loved

[Paul S]

For me the emotional rollercoaster kept going for nearly 4 months. I felt my mind fracturing and really started stressing out that this pain will NEVER end. Religion helped, as well as posting on this board about still going nuts. A lot of postrs helped me get through it, so tara, you are doing the right thing and are in the right place in poking around and finding what other people have written, and in sharing your self.

The emmotional topsy-turvy still happens for a bit, but not so much. Remember, everyone is on a different timetable, just know that if you continue to face it like you are, and continue to share and read and so forth, it'll get better, eventually. Maybe harder for you as you've lost so much so soon, but have hope.

On sleep, I actually slept longer. Instead of the usual 6-7 hours a night, and going to bed at 9:30 thereabouts, I was hitting the pillows at 6-8 PM, and sleeping 9-12 hours. Only recently, approaching the 6th month mark, are my sleeping habits returning to normal, slowly, but they are. But that's just my experience.

[Maylissa]

Tara,

I've yammered many a time on this board about all the injustices done and blatant neglect I've suffered from relatives, my immediate family ( the SOURCE of most of my added grief, actually ) and friends, both old and newer - you can check out my older posts, if you know how to work that feature here.

My experience ( so far ) has been that I went 'mental', suffering all the usual and common grief reactions and then some ( from the added pressures from others ), for much of the first year...although that was, in part, because family stuff just kept happening, non-stop. Strangely, the second year was even worse in some ways ( more depression, for example ), yet better in others...but overall, worse. And this really only abated quite a bit after this 2nd year when I started having more pressing, immediate problems to contend with, namely the increasing illness and crises with our last remaining furbaby. This is where I am now....so nothing's let up in over 2 years for me. Now I'm into much heavier anticipatory grief over losing our beloved cat, whom we've shared our lives with for over 19 years.

As for what helped, for one thing I finally took action in the ongoing battle with my last brother, over our parents' funds ( father is still alive, but barely ), by calling a lawyer....not that much has happened there yet....but still, it gave me some sense of not feeling quite as powerless...still victimized, but not as powerless. Telling myself that I wasn't going to do this out of revenge, but out of a sense of justice, fairness and being supportive of my own rights really helped. I'm not worrying about his reaction ( when and if he finally finds out what action I've taken ) and I feel solid in my reasons -- that was the empowering part.

Also empowering was emotionally finally giving up on all of those (except one old friend, but it was a conscious choice to hang onto her for now) who left me out in the rain also helped, even though it still makes me angry and hurt. The difference was in giving myself enough time to feel like I could, indeed, live w/o any of them in my life, even though it would be preferable to have them be a part of it. I had to feel strong enough first. Funny, too....once I made that decision, more other people started gradually coming out of the woodwork to lend me some support....like those on these boards. It matters less where we find support, but more that we make an effort to find some.

I don't know how I'm going to 'turn out' from all of this upheaval, and truly am worried about myself after our furbaby leaves ( she's been the bulk of my world for all those years ), but I'm starting already to at least consider other things I might do with my time and life, even if I won't feel like doing any of them for a LONG, LONG time. It's a baby step and perhaps I'll only be doing some of those things out of sheer desperation to escape the intense pain this will bring me, but it's better than thinking about buying a gun for myself! I figure I must have learned and grown at least a titch from my other losses, because I've never planned ahead regarding grief before, in my entire life.

Sigh....I must admit, I still go around really buying into that old saying, "Life's a b****...and then you die," more than I should, but that's where I AM right now, like it or not....and yet, I still feel like I'll be around for some time to come ( just sense it ). Speaking of which, I've relied more and more on my intuition, which is a good thing...listening to your Higher Self/ Inner Voice, so I guess you could say that's one of those 'silver linings' of loss. I would have gotten more physical exercise, etc. to help as well, but our baby's illnesses have made that rather difficult in the last while....but if you can, I'd say DO something that way!

As for drinking, I found that anything more than just a little bit made me MORE depressed, so I monitor this carefully and naturally. I have increased my smoking a bit, however. ( oh, please, may the self-righteous Anti-Smoking Gods not smite me down for being such a throwback! Yah gotta have at least ONE flaw! )Faith hasn't helped me too much, as I don't have a set faith system, but am sort of a blend of different ones ( been searching for years - take what I like and leave the rest! ) yet there ARE certain things I'm pretty or entirely certain of nonetheless...but still, many fears and doubts have come up, so that's still a work in progress. Trust has become even more of a dilemma for me than it always was, which makes it doubly difficult. However, finding out over months of perusing different grief boards that many, many, many others suffer much of the same kinds of tragedies and rejections has indeed helped, as at least I know that it happens to the best of us, even if it doesn't solve it. We're never as alone as we think we are, but just have to find the right people to talk to! Venting to my heart's content on this and other boards for about 1/2 a year has helped dispel at least a goodly portion of the rage and hurt, though not all of it. I also did private counseling a couple of times, and wouldn't even mind doing more, but have no time for that right now.

Oh, and I also turned to food, and not the good kind, so gained weight, which only made me feel so much worse about myself. And this, from a gourmet vegetarian, whole-food, cooked mainly from scratch, healthy diet....to sugar-laden, junky, fatty and sometimes meaty, late-night snacking TERRIBLE diet! So I added shame to my growing list of problems, too.

There ARE no easy, quick fixes, that's for sure and we all progress at our own pace, whether at a turtle's speed like me, or faster, like that humorous guy just below your last post. But being here for each other, when no one else wants to bother with us, is GOLD.

Edited April 29, 2006 by Maylissa

[tara12]

Thanks for all the repsonses , IT SO SO HELPS ME AND HOPEFULLY ALL OF US .

today is a big day , going to meet people who my dad knew in the 30's or 40's wow , so long ago , he grew up in an orphange and then was kicked out and sent ot work on their farm..... but somehow after all these years he still wrote and kept in touch. he wanted me to make contact with them , so after he died I foudn their number and did so . they called and have organised a " family" LUNCHEON WITH ME OT MEET ALL OF THEM 4 GERNERATIONs... IT WILL BE ... WHO KNOWS , emotional and moving and I am deeply touched and a bit nervous. but i KNOW DAD WANTED this and feel proud to do it for him , just sad I cant tell him about it and reprot back to him , or anything .. and this will be sad , how come it is after they die , all t hese things come out and how come i feel more for him than I ever did .natural i think. ahh this is hard , to lose them both I think about it ALL THE TIME ... that and the mess of the will and the betrayals and there is so much going on inside and so much letting go to be done and work to do...... and on top of this pakcing up to move for a year OS and leave my darling darling dearest dog , tara , who is the love of my life ( silly to some i know ) but she is special to me and has been with me 7 years... and is basically ALL I HAVE LEFT.. i pray she will be ok with me going . its hard and will be hard on her and me .... its very hard .

oh well , got to keepo moving and trying my best and can only do what i can do and unfortnautely I am expected to work at a high level and once in the USA it will all be very busy and intense as well and huige amount of work , just ot catch up ont he work i missed being able to attend to over the last 4 mths as the death and funerals and so on have been my work for all this time . its endless and tiring as YOU ALL KNOW.... but mutiplied is even harder , almost more than I can cope with mentally ... or even make sense of ,,,,, its early days yet and it will be intersting to see how I go as i let go of even more and leave with nothing .... to something unknown , all a bit scarey and lonely ...... and yes , my biggest prayer is I come home and my dear tara is ok and happy and alive...... any more death , ( which unfortuantely happens and is out of my control ) but if i have a say , i would ask for no more for a little while at least and please god not my dear dog....... I feel for you all , loss is just hard any loss ... and is so personal and lonely no matter what .. its ours and noone elses in the end ... its also a chance to learn and become more compassionate and transform our emotions and anger and so on and make sure we live the best we can in honour of those who have gone .

I knwo my parents in their highest being would wish me well and want me happy and fulfilled , I am sureyour do as well , no matter the difficulties we all may have had when alive , no matter any fights or whatever , in the end we all wish for those we love ot be happy and loved . I wish this for myself , for you AND FOR ALL WHO ARE SUFFERING THIS PAIN OF LOSS AND GRIEF THIS DAY .

MAY WE ALL BE HELD BY THE INFINITE LOVE OF THE UNIVERSE , ITS THERE FOR US. i KNOW IT IS.

[KathyD]

Tara,

I personally think that you are handling your losses very well, even though I know it is enormously painful internally. I for one couldn't do what you are doing and we both are at the same stage of loss. I've been a "hidden" emotional wreck and while I've done what I have to do to in order to get by you have done so much more and I respect you for it. Being survivors of serious depression, I think we are stronger than we think (I hope). You deserve every award that comes your way! Emotions unfortunately complicate things, but if we didn't have them could we be human? It is devastating and I've attempted to keep things light but it's impossible right now and we all have to accept that we will go through moments of intense sadness. I foolishly watched part of the A&E drama "Flight 93" and all I could think was that if Dad were there he would have been a leader and done what he could to stop what happened. Until I watched that I had made it through the day without crying. Maybe it's because he was in NY when the towers fell but he was so strong...I am trying to emulate him but it's so hard. Anyways, you are not alone (I'm being repetitive) even if everyone's situation is different. I miss my Dad more than I can express and got emotional about his snowplow being sold. God, I would give anything to have him here but I can't and it is so hard to accept it. Sorry to be a downer but I feel that this place is a place where I can say whatever I feel (I may be wrong).

Kathy

[tara12]

KATHY NEVCER APOLOGISE , I FEEL YOU VERY MUCH . i am no great survivor , and i am only doing what I must , if i hadnbt got this award , i would be hiding more , let me tell you , it is only this pushing me along , which at times is very stressful and i find myself having to let go of more and more and the fear is quite hard on me at times and the ability to function is impaired , BUT , i know if i dont go , i will get more depressed and down and always will wonder what could have been and also I KNOW , it would make me feel even wrose about mum and dad dying ... so this is why i am pushing through , not becuse i want to . but becuse i have to..... and maybe this is a blessing in disguise if i can still be true to myself some ... and who knowd why the hell these things are as they are right now , its so totally wild and intense to think that the same time i find out i got this massive award my mum and dad both die ? oh my god , its too weird .;;;;;;;; but thats what happened... lfie throws us these intense things , and in the end ONE DAY , you and me will be the ones that are dying ,. isnt that even wilder .......... and this in a way , this horiible thing , the finality of our loved ones ,i guess prepares us also for what lies ahead and if we can go deeper , i know we will be richer and wiser for it and be able to make our lives count for something ....... WE DO COUNT ,WE ARE UNIQUE AND NEVER WILL WE PASS THIS WAY AGAIN , NOT AS US ANYWAY... SO LETS TRY HEY , lets try be the joy and life our parents can no longer have . they would wish this for you and for me .... i wish this for you ...... yes , we will all go up and down and sometimes very every down .... i have and will and do and i expect it to take a long time till this changes , but we can learn to go with it and not fight it and allow it , our tears are like water for the flowers in our hearts .... its ok......... i wish I oculd hold you and tell you that and sometimes I wish someone could do that for me..... but we can tell ourselves this and each other , its ok ... its ok ..... and toegther sharing our truths and hardships and longing and tears we will live happy again with out loved ones precious memeories and hearts inside us.

write anything anytime , its all fine with me....all of it . if you cant come here and be down and sad , well ? where can you ?????? thats what its here for .

be well

[DoubleJo]

Tara;

As a loser of 2 husbands, and both parents in 4 1/2 years I can understand the overwhelmed feelings that hit us. When my first husband died some strange relative cozied up to my parents and suddenly he was on their checkbook, and all the instructions and wills they gave me were changed. Not that they had much, but the final insult is of course, they did it to me when I became alone. I have no children and only in my 50's. Truly the things people do can be incomprehensible. But I have a stubborn streak. I refuse to let it get to me.I learned many years ago that instead of turnng that anger inward towards myself, that anger can actually be a good thing if it helps you realize and direct it at the appropiate places. You have a right to be angry. Do these things hurt? You betcha. Please don't feel depressed and scared. Try not to let yourself hurt anymore than you have to. I now refuse to let anyone get to me because I have enough of life's things that cannot be controlled to deal with as we all do. I will not let other people ruin my life. You are so right- you count too. I think it would be tragic to lose not only our loved ones but ourselves too.

You are very important. We need to grab out of life what joys we can. Might as well, we are here.

[shell]

Tara,

What a wonderful experience to meet your fathers friends and how caring your father must have been to have kept in touch all those years! That is such a nice gesture on their part, to organize this lucheon. The whole thing makes me happy and want to cry at the same time! Let us know how it went.

You mentioned that you are coming to the US. If you care to share where you are going to be, there might be one of us who is in the same place and could possibly meet up with you and help with some support. If you don't care to divulge your future location, I would understand completely.

Keep thinking positive thoughts,

Shell

P.S. I understand completely about your doggie. It would kill me to leave any of my fur babies. There are many animal lovers here, so don't think we think it's silly. You can talk about your baby anytime!

[tara12]

tHANKS FOR THE REPLIES ... it is a bit addcitive to me right NOw TO BE COMING ON LINE SO MUCH..loll and bad typing , i always type badly when emotional and i cant seem to find spell check on here , which would make it better. very slack of me really ...loll.

the lunch was very nice and moving ... the older woman who was the wife of the farmer my dad worked for was there , she is 104 can you beleive that, then her daughter who had a photo of dad when he was 15 and first worked for them , she was a baby on his shoulders. it is the only photo of my dad as a young person , there are no others till he married my mum , isnt that sad.........

anyway , a lot of feelings , but its ok........ i am finding i think about them all the time , for some reason its getting more not less . or I am noticing it anyway... its a strong thing.

I have a huge day tommorrow , i have to really start to be on track with things , i hope i can find the motivation and energy ...

you asked where i will be , well ... San Fran, then Tuscon , then NY , then colorado ( boulder ) then New mexico ( sante fe and taos) then san fran again till i go home .. i will be there a year.

I would want anything i say here to be comnpletely confidenatial between people here .... i hope thats a granted thing . i would do that for any of you... i defintely say things and share things here i share no where else and my process of grief is personal, in some ways thats why i come here , cause i cant , share the depths with people in person so well ... u know.. some people use anything against you and if they know you have a vunerability they can hurt you , sad but true and i have learnt this from being hurt in the past . i trust people here though as we all in the same boat . so i know here i am safe . thats amazing . its opened up my thinking also about how to help others in this situation and i think web based stuff has a real plaCE AND IS A REAL SERVICE . worthy of research as well...... somehting i think I should also look into... i would be interested to know how many people things like this help u know and why ... interesting huh .

anyway , i am raving , its been a big day ..... and bigger ones ahead . i am grateful for this site to ramble on and it is good ( though sad ) to feel understood , heard , responded to and not alone. i hope you feel that as well as we face these feelings ...

peace

[shell]

Tara,

I'm so glad your luncheon went well. It sounds like it was just wonderful.

Darn, I live in Alabama, so not on your list of locations. Sounds like you are going to have quite an adventure and will be going to some really nice cities. I think you'll enjoy it. Maybe some of the other posters are in some of those cities.

That's why I said that if you didn't want to tell us where you were going, it would be ok. I know we all have things we want kept to just this site. Of course, anyone can read the posts on this site, but they don't know your last name or anything, so I think we are all safe, so to speak.

I think that at first, because you are in shock, your mind is kind of numb. But as the shock wears off, you start thinking more clearly and thinking more about their death, about them in general. It's like it takes your mind awhile to catch up to the whole thing.

Stay strong. Hugs,

Shell

[tara12]

shell , I have friends ion alabama and they really want me to visit , but yeah , at this stage i htink my schedule is already so so full it is hard ot imgagine this can be ....never mind ........

I finally got somewhere to day with tasks , booked the storage unit , booked the removalist , booked in with a solicitor for my own will and to organise him to handle my affairs with my dad and mums will and all those issues... called the uni , got organised with those things , started packing .... throwing our heaps of rubbish and sorting things , it feels like a relief . though i over did it and I have aheadache .... I also realised it is going to happen and its ok .i think I am transitioning to the next level fo what lies ahead for me .. yeah , well at least today ,,,,,,,, tommorrow can and most likely will be different , I am learning not to count on anything and not to think that I know....... one thing this whole experience has taught me is I KNOW NOTHING ......... that I have very little control on very little ... but I od have some and some chocies and I will do what I can to stay well and healthy and not get dragged down to long .....i can not afford to go into depression , I know NOONE will rescue me its upto me to get through this . i hope and believe I can and will .. the grief will come and go and always will hurt , but its better , today , and for that I am grateful ....... its good to notice moments free of distress.

[shell]

Tara,

Yeah, as time goes by, there are more moments that seem normal. Like the other day, I was looking through a catalog and noticed a shirt I liked. It suddenly occured to me that that was the first time in over a year that I had any interest in things I normally had interest in. I actually cired over it, but it was a sort of semi-happy, relief kind of cry. I felt for the first time that maybe I was coming back to life a little.

Hugs,

Shell

P.S. If you ever come to Alabama, PM me and we'll see if it's in my town. The PM thing is totally confidential. I would love to meet you and see how you are doing.

[Paul S]

I wonder how for long mood swings (or that other term I love: "emotional rollercoaster") occur?

In general, I've felt an improvement with my ability to cope with stuff, but recently I feel as if I regressed. I guess that happens but Sunday marks the 6th month anniversary of Mom's death, and Mother's Day is coming up.

This week has been not too good. Dealing with a lot of situations and mostly consumed by grief attacks. Not quite like the ones from a few months ago, but still, on top of other things it like all I wanna do is sit in front of this keyboard and yak at you all, or live in a grief support group.

I guess I'm just going thru one of those times, and should ride it out or 'let the emotions lead me'.

I'm just tired.

[KathyD]

Paul,

I don't have an answer for how long the emotional rollercoaster will last but think that we'll all have times where we feel as though we've toppled off the hill we climbed. This time of year is going to be especially hard (I'm dreading Father's Day), and I know that the anniversary date is always painful. I have a friend who's significant other died 6 years ago and whenever the anniversary nears he gets down. Since it sounds like you're dealing with things on TOP of your feelings of grief I'd guess that it's a compound effect. Too much emotional stress probably means that we experience the emotions harder than we normal would have. Maybe try to do something special for yourself to briefly forget what's going on? When I feel overwhelmed I haul out a season of (don't laugh) Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Pure escapism but it helps me to get out of the "bad zone" for a little while.

Hang in there,

Kathy

[shell]

Kathy D,

"We'll all have times where we feel as though we've toppled off the hill we climbed". (I would do that quote thing, but I don't know how! Computer dummy I am) That so describes it! Even after over a year, I am on the rollercoaster. I just don't know when it ever ends. And, Kathy, for me it's watching Alias....it takes me completely out of my own mind!

Paul,

Yeah, you have a lot going on, and with the anniversary coming up in addition to Mothers Day, it's no wonder you are feeling like you do! Kathy has a great idea about doing something for yourself. And don't feel guilty about it. You mentioned in your other post about going for drives to get some relief from caring for your mom, and feeling guilty. I felt the same way until I realized that what they say is true...if I get sick, it would be devastating for my mom. I have to take care of her, period. So now I take naps or go read or whatever, so I can try to relax a little, so I can try to stay healthy. So, no guilt trips for any of us for taking care of ourselves!

Stay healthy. We all need each other here, even if we feel that no one else needs us.

Hugs,

Shell

[Paul S]

Hi KathyD and shell:

I was just having a bad day yesterday, the culmination of a sad week. We all go through it, and there'll be more. I do feel as if I am toppling off the hill I just climbed, and I know that I'll get back up. It just that these things are debilitating, dealing with grief, anniversaries and ravenous minnows trying to nibble me to death, is just ENOUGH ALREADY!!!!

Things will get much better next month when the estate is settled, and by then perhaps a job I've applied for will be in the offing, but the estate settling will just mean a whole new set of feelings. "It's over." Not just a page being turned in this griefwork, but Part One of some Russian novel set in winter is over, and Part Two is beginning with the words: "It was the best of blizzards, it was the worst of blizzards." Endurance, not always a strong suit, but I am better at it than it sometimes seems, but yumpin yiminy, its tough alone. I don't give myself enough credit for the talents and strengths that I have.

One of you, I forget who and where, (sorry) said something that I had learned early on in some grief text that I had forgotten. Something about how we will use the new strengths we have gotten as a result of our grieving. These strengths will help us in dealing with pretty much anything that life tosses. It seems as if, sometimes, that I have to use these strenghts at the same time I'm developing them. Maybe there is sometimes just a lag time between attack and defense. Not coordinated enough yet. I dunno, just a downer of a week and things came to a head yesterday and I just needed to vent.

For me, it would be seasons of any "Star Trek". I may indulge in a few months and start buying the saga, but until then, it'll have to be drives or several CD's of Jimmy Buffet on the stereo.

[KathyD]

Paul,

Oh boy do I understand the feeling of "it's over!" Although my Mom is still in my childhood house she purchased a condo and will be moving in by next winter. I know that was what she had to do, but when I toured a sample unit it struck me on the way home that everything we used to do at my childhood house (X-Mas, Thanksgiving, BBQs, family X-Mas Eve traditions, etc.) will NEVER happen again. I start to cry just thinking about my Dad's bureau and personal stuff that are still there but won't be anymore in the near future (getting a bit teary now). It's like this whole new chapter has opened in my life and it's one that I don't want to read.

Kathy

[Paul S]

One thing is, I have been waiting so hard for the time when I can say "It's over!" But after 6 months of grieving, and getting whacked a bit along the way by people who should've been, gee, I dunno, a bit more supportive than spectators at a mugging, the idea of "being over" just feels different now. Before, in the very beginning of all this, it was like an oasis in the desert, a fantastic image of relief, like a five-star restaurant with Emeril as the chef, Jimmy Buffet is the band, could it be a mirage??? More than just a symbol of the pain being over, but also of 'moving on' and 'getting past'. And now it seems as if it is not a mirage after all, its real, but instead of Emeril and Jimmy with his Coral Reefers, its Billy Bubba and his Weiner Wagon servin' up hotdawgs, and for music he's got his old cassete tapes featuring polka music (OK, I'm Polish, so I can insult it if I like too. But its not, music, and isn't even Polish.)

I dunno. Boy, was I naive when I thought that the estate stuff being over would mean the end of all this. Still got a month and a few weeks, but jeepers.

I'm obviously feeling better.

[KathyD]

I think sometimes we set certain "points" as a period that should indicate we've gone another step down the grieving path. The house is sold, the estate's settled, etc., but once those things happen we still have our feelings. Just because everything is done doesn't mean we've moved on, and without all the stuff to do maybe the emotions are stronger because you have more time to focus on them. I try to get out and about to keep my mind off memories but once I'm settled and the old brain can fire up they flood back in. Having unsupportive people around never helps, of course, and even those that are supportive at times can apply pressure without knowing it. Whatever the case, I don't think moving on or getting past things can be correlated with an event or the end of a personal struggle. Moving on happens in our minds.

By the way Paul...I did have a chuckle reading about Billy Bubba and his Weiner Wagon!

Kathy

[Maylissa]

I don't know if one actually gains strengths for future and present use, as much as nothing else, in comparison to a major loss, seems as hard to face as it may have in the past. We probably do a bit of both, and maybe some of us even get a bit gutsier with things that used to really cow us, since what's worse than death? Maybe...

And I don't think the grief is ever really 'over' ( though it may feel like it more often, later on ) but some of these major hurdles, like anni's, etc., once we're past them, can definitely feel like progress, since we come out alive and at least somewhat relieved after they've passed.

Generally-speaking, most big changes suck and it can be terribly difficult to adapt to ( kind of makes me wonder how humans ever managed to evolve at all! ), even if it's the 'good' kind. Think about big lottery winners and how they try to keep their lifestyle pretty much the same, and if they don't, they often end up in big doo-doo, or how we can stubbornly cling to old habits, even when we know they're not good for us. Flexibility in our lives is not the norm, I don't think, among us.

It must be so much worse for all of you who still, or always, had normal family functions and contact, to be so suddenly denied that. Even I, who had nothing of the sort for about 17 years, ( and before that, it usually wasn't pleasant anyway ) felt myself being drawn to the very distant past and pining for the 'old days' and how things used to be way back when....in my case, most of it consisted of unrealistic dreams and hopes, but still....it was, and still can be, very hard to give up. So I really feel for all of you who really HAD some of the good family stuff. Maybe, in some strange twist of fate, I've actually been spared more sorrow than I could have handled otherwise, especially being a HSP ( Highly Sensitive Person - yes, folks, there IS an official label now for people like me!!...and I have the book to prove it! )

And what's so wrong with POLKAS?! They may not be the best, musically, but they sure get those calories burning, and are a lot of fun to dance to! ( if they're not Polish, or Ukranian, what IS their origin then, Wise One? ) I know every Ukranian & Polish wedding reception in my home town always played them...and so did a lot of other ethnicities, too....cuz they're fun to dance to! Heck, even our professional dance instructor ( well, ONE of them, anyway ) LOVES to polka, and he can dance ANYTHING he likes. If you're not careful, the Polish Cultural Police are gonna get you!

[tara12]

Hello everyone , been reading the posts and so relate of course .. damn huh .anyway , yes , I think I am up and down a lot , yesterday I was angry and a biot snappy at people , I have been really tried , no wonder , with packing up my house , tryong to deal with evil lawyers and the will when my dads barely cremated , my mum going seems like ten years already and its 5 mths > I and my dad is only 6 weeks and already its like everything is finsihed , like when you say , now you have to deal with the next leverl the estate , MAN i HAD TO START WITH THAT BEFORE i EVEN SAW HIS BOdy ... for me everything is totally overhwelming in its speed and hig need of my time and energy .. so I got snappy .....i got mad at the cafe i went to have break fast ,( cause I was too tired to go shop and then make some ) cause I never ever eat out and then when the food came , it was cold and hard and yuk.... then I snapped at kmy friend on the phone , SHE WAS GOING ON A BOUT WANTING to see me , before I move , and Im like , man i got so much to do........ and then they f guilt trip you cause u got no time ...... but do they offer to help.......... so I felt guilty and called her back and said , hey look , im sorry, its just heard right now , but how about tommorrowe morning , a walk on the bech , before I pack... nah , she is busy horse riding oh and then ok , how about sunday then..... nah , her boyfriend is here ...... so damn , why did i feel guilty anyway ? she isnt really avaialble anyway ? and then I realised she was just like the rest of the drop kick stu[pid people who WANT something , cause then she was like , oH are you seeling stuff , u know , maybe I CAN GET A BARGIN ... YEAH right ..... got ya. so ,

back to the work , I have to write this damn report up today and tommorow , i worked 12 hours strait on it yesterdaY AND i CRIED HALF THE TIME and this is the SAME DAY I WAS FEELING SNAPPY.... then I felt like just chucking it ALL IN AND i mean ALL , like life is toooooooo har d, tooooolong , tooooooo much energy and who woudl really care anyway , well no family left ect.... and hey doing my will monday , so it will be all covered u know...... but this is a momentary feeling I think. I TRUST ITWILL PASS AND IS just a single of my overwhelm and distress right now today .....

SO how can it be different ....not sure right now...... sometimes it cant be , u know sometimes this is how it is . sometimes , it si a long haul; of pain and suffereing , my mum suffered like that , long and no repreive except morhpine , there was nothing to do to make it better , except to try be loving when I saw her ..... ahhhhhhhhh, cant even go there .....

i think actually THIS IS ALL ABIT MUCH

i am gonna go now , I had more to say , but thats enough for now . It doent matter anyway ,c ause nothing will fix this , its a mess , its hard and its all MINE TO DEAL WITH . noone else

just tired i THINK......... VERY TIRED AND no time to slepp and rest and do all those things THAT WOULD COULD HELP. just got to keep going and hope I GET THROUGH THIS AND ONE DYA IT WILL BE BETTER THAN IT IS RIGHT NOW.

BUT you knjow what MAYBE IT WONT BE? HOW ABOUT THAT ? MAYBE .

SORRY FOR THE RANT AND FOR THE BAD BAD SPELLING , WHEN i AM, TIRED AND NO SPELL CHECK FUCNTION ....... THATS HOW IT ENDS UP.

OH OH , JUST FOUDN SPELL CHECL ...LOL.... is ther eone , doesnt look like ther eis , oh well

[shell]

Oh Tara,

You are having to deal with just way too much right now! You are overwhelmed and tired and depressed and rightfully so. When I get this way, I have found that I pick one thing at a time and focus totally on it. When it is done, I move to another thing and focus on just that until it's done. Try to do what's most important first and work your way down the list.

You are an incredibly strong person. I don't know if I could handle all that you are. Just so many changes in your life and that is hard, but you will do fine. One thing you desperately need is sleep, so try to put something aside and get some, somehow.

Please know that things will get better and less hard.

We're all pulling for you.

Hugs,

Shell