Friday, April 5, 2019

[Rowena]

I lost my Dad at the age of 69. His ultimate passion was bowling. Since before I was even brought to this world. My Dad was a legendary champion bowler. We even buried my Dad with his favorite bowling shirt and his favorite bowling ball. My Dad was supposed to have flown out to Korea last month on April 6, the day after he passed to play on this bowling tournament. My Dad was a humble man. Barely had a temper. My Dad’s passing has been very HEAVY on me. The heartache, the gripping pain in my chest is what I feel everyday. Knowing in my head he is no longer here, but my heart is not accepting it. I feel that if I don’t accept my Dad ‘s passing his soul is not at rest. I MISS MY DAD SO MUCH, that it hurts. We all thought he was getting better. The doctor said my Dad would be released in a few days. My Dad said he will be coming home and not to worry. I should have known that he was actually saying “goodbye”. My daughter and I flew out to the Philippines when I received a call from my Uncle, My Dads younger brother, within 2 days my daughter and I were on a plane. I told my Dad over the phone to hold on. Just hold on until we arrive. Since we arrived and visited my Dad, he was gradually getting and feeling better. He started talking, started to breath on his own and started to eat again. Although he was still laying in bed, falling asleep all the time because of the meds. We all saw in our own eyes he was getting stronger. My Dad couldn’t wait either to go home. My daughter and I were scheduled to fly back home that same day he passed. On our way to the airport, I decided to FaceTime my Dad, I just wanted to check up on him. He was talking to my daughter and I. He said he ate a lot and he even waved “goodbye”. Why didn’t I see that? Why didn’t I feel, that it was his last goodbye? He knew all this time he was leaving..About 2-3 hours after I FaceTime him, still on the road headed to the airport, My A uncle calls and informed me that the doctors have been trying to revive my Dad for an hour and a half. My whole world broke fell into many pieces. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I screamed, cried out for my Dad. We turned back around. We didn’t make our flight. The drive back is about 4 hours. So many things going on in my head. So many questions unanswered. I don’t think I will get over my Dads passing. Each and everyday, I constantly cry. In my car on my way to work and on my way home. I cry at work at home. I try to make myself busy. But my mind is with my Dad. Why did he wait to die? Why did he decide to die, when I wasn’t around? Why did he say he was feeling better? I feel my Dad is not at peace. I’m not sure why? I LOVE MY DAD SO MUCH. Am I being selfish? I’m SO INCREDIBLY LOST and have been since he left. Oh, please God, help me through this....

[kayc]

On 5/11/2019 at 12:25 AM, Rowena said:

I don’t think I will get over my Dads passing.

I am so sorry for your loss.  You are correct, you won't get over your dad being gone...grief is the rest of our lives, but the good news is that our grief journey evolves and is ever changing as we adjust and learn to cope with the changes it means to our lives.  It's sometimes a difficult arduous journey, but it's also one where I've grown and learned so much.  Most of us don't look at life the same anymore, we realize what is important in life and what is superfluous.  We are no longer afraid of dying, we have someone we love to greet us. 

I don't know that everyone gets to decide when they die...some seem to, but I don't think that's an option for everyone.  While we may not always get answers, we can learn to live in peace, it may take a while.  Grief can take quite a while to process...when my husband died it took me probably three years just to process it.  Longer to find purpose, longer yet to build a life I can live.  And it's never the same as it was before, I've learned not to compare, that's a real joy-killer.

I hope you will continue to come here and post, it helps to express your feelings and know you're heard and understood.  We want to be here for you.  (((hugs)))