Fresh grieving of a lost dad

[Jerome]

Hi all, sorry to hear about all these heartbreaking stories, may God be with all of you and I hope you find the strength to push through. 

I'm new to this so please bare in mind. Im 18 Male and 3 days ago my dad suddenly died of a heart attack at home, I found him dead on the floor. At first and even now I just feel weird, very weird, I've always been a happy person who never let's anything bother him, I always am the supportive friend to my group. I can only describe what I'm feeling as numbness or nothingness, shock and denial. I sometimes feel nothing seems real even plain simple things. I know it's all just trauma and I'm gonna get past this, but these feelings are new to me and im learning how to embrace them, I always think about him and how I could've done something.. guilt... I know, i let myself deal with that as i know it's normal and untrue. I'm the man of the house now so I put my feelings aside and be there for my mom and sister, I feel like this has woken me up as a person and I now know only I can take responsibility for my life and that I must appreciate everything I have. I have dealt with the first step of grieving.. acceptance, you cannot keep yourself in indenial, rather let the thoughts come through, think about it(cry if you must) and then deal with it, don't push it all aside, let the natural process do its thing, it's different for everyone. I keep telling myself it only gets better from now on and I try stay positive throughout the day, I hope the worst has come for me. I pray for all you guys going through such losses and may you find peace within yourself and thrive for the memory of your loved ones. 

[kayc]

I am so sorry for your loss.  You sound like a wonderful young man.  You can be there for your mom and sister but ultimately it's up to them to make there way through this, just as it's up to you to.  You are right to let yourself feel the grief, cry if you must, yes!  This is part of the processing.  You're right also that it's different for everyone.  There's a whole host of books on grief that can be of help, one of the ones I hear most quoted is C.S. Lewis "A Grief Observed".
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/p/grief-bibliography_21.html

I lost my dad when I was 29, my closest friend lost hers when she was just 7.  It's hard to lose your dad, he was the one person we felt we could count on in life!  

Another thing that can be helpful is grief counseling for your family.  Even a grief support group can be helpful especially for a young person whose friends can't relate as they haven't been through this yet.  Coming here was also good, it's helpful to know there are others that understand and "get it"...to know the feelings you have are normal.

My son was in the Air Force when I lost my husband, he would wake up crying, cry all of a sudden at work.  And you know what?  Everyone understood.  He'd never been one to cry, but as I told him, he was grieving, it was normal, it was okay.

Incidentally, I lost my father and husband both to sudden heart attacks.  It feels like shock has set in at first and can feel like that for a long time...I think it's our body's way of cushioning us until we can gradually adjust to it.  It can take a long while, but it takes what it takes.  Praying for comfort and peace to come your family's way.
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/12/grief-and-burden-of-guilt.html
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2013/01/guilt-in-wake-of-parents-death.html

It's common to feel guilt in grief...that doesn't mean you've earned or deserve it, just that we think all the "what ifs" as a way of trying to find a different possible outcome...but there is no outcome but the one that happened and often the only person who could have changed anything is the one that passed.  And they usually didn't see it coming any more than we did.