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Missing Mom - she has been gone less than 4 months

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I don't even know where to start. My mom passed away on June 25th of this year. She was 91. She would have been 92 in November. I expected her to be around for a few more years because she wasn't sick. She had a clean bill of health when she went to the doctor's on June 7th. Then the following Monday night, I received the call from the Assisted Living facility where she was and they said she had fallen. The paramedics had been called and I had to decide whether she go to the hospital or night. I asked all the questions and called her doctor at home to decide if she should stay home or go to the hospital. She stayed home because she didn't have any bumps or bruises. I will forever wonder if I made the right decision. Then she fell again that Wednesday. I brought her home for the day on that Saturday, asking her if she wanted to come home with me for the day or stay in her room and I would stay with her. She decided to go with me. She fell at my house on the way back from the bathroom to the couch. I had held onto her hand and was holding her oxygen tank when it fell out and hit me on the foot. She didn't hurt herself but I started to cry because I told her I wouldn't let her fall. She had said something about me saying I wouldn't let her fall but then told my sister to re-issure me she was o.k. Then she fell the following Monday and Thursday. The assisted living facility moved her back to memory care so they could keep a closer eye on her. I got to talk to her one last time on that Thursday with it being the last time we really talked. Then she basically stopped eating and drinking and passed away the next Tuesday. I know she had mild dementia but I could never tell that anything was different because she remembered quite a bit though yes she did have her struggles with some things. I just can't wrap my mind around my mom being gone. I can't seem to focus on happy memories because a lot of my memories are flooded with regret/guilt. Like why didn't I sit next to her when she wanted to show me photos though I had sat down once to look at them. Or when she wanted to be shown how to do something or want to go to Walmart and I didn't take her. Or why didn't I push her to spend more of her money on a private room even if the difference in cost was about a $1,000 more than what she brought in a month. She had the money in savings. Now she is gone and I feel guilt that she left what she had to us, her children. I feel sick inside that she left any money when she passed away. Or why didn't I push my sister more for us to find a better place for my mom to stay. I know some of what I am feeling seems irrational and I know I did a lot for her. I saw her every other Friday when we would go out to dinner after I got off of work and then alternate Saturdays I brought her to my house. I feel I should have spend more time with her. I know when she first wasn't doing well a year and a half ago before she went into assisted living. I saw her every night when I got off of work because the rehab facility where she was in the same town where I worked. Then I would see her on Saturdays. I wish I didn't feel the way I did and I know It would break my mom's heart if she saw how this was tearing me up inside. She did leave me a letter for when she died but I am not ready to open it yet.

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A good friend of mine passed away this week...she was 95, never had any pain, no terminal illness, some macular degeneration (eye problems) and this year some balance issues (she walked slow with a walker or cane lately) but nothing definitive that would lead you to believe she'd die any time soon.  She had a very clear mind.  Two weeks prior she laid down and said she was dying.  She did.  Some didn't believe it, but I've seen it happen before, enough to take it seriously.  She died at home, as she wanted, her DIL in attendance and kids around her.  

When someone goes swiftly like this without warning, it can be a bit to swallow, it takes us by surprise and doesn't allow it to sink in...

All of the what ifs or regrets is common in grief, even if there was nothing we could or should change...it's our way of working through it, wondering if we made all the right choices.  We do the best we can with the knowledge we have at the time.  We are the ones who love them.   You will open her letter when you are ready.

I am so sorry for your loss...I lost my own mom at 92 five years ago.  She went peacefully which is all I could ask.  You're in my thoughts and prayers, Kimbo.

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