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Grieving & second guessing euthanasia


mumsy

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About the time the Coronavirus began in Mid-March, my 10+ year old poodle was hardly eating.  He was always a bit picky, but now he didn't want to eat. I stopped feeding him breakfast cuz he wasn't interested & would usually eat something for dinner.  I took him to my vet, and they couldn't find anything wrong, gave him antibiotics & digestive flora.  So for the next few weeks not much changed, and he was only eating a small portion of his dinner.  By the first week of April, my husband said that he was dying. My hubby is not a dog person, but I am as we have three other small dogs.  So Riley was getting weaker & was not very active as he only laid on the couch or inside his crate. This same issue happened about a year ago, but the antibiotics worked, and they said he had an enlarged spleen.  So I took him to a different vet on the Monday of his last week of life, and they did bloodwork, gave him fluids & still could not find anything wrong.  They gave me nutrients for him & sent me on my way.  I was really worried that he was dying cuz not eating isn't normal unless something is wrong. On the way home he ate a smidgen of a chic fil a biscuit & a small piece of the chicken & nothing more.  That got my hopes up, but nothing really changed. I was a basket case the rest of the week cuz I knew he was going to die from no food, & he really wasn't drinking water either.  He wouldn't let me force feed him any of the urgent care food from the vet, and I had to give him water from a syringe. He jumped off the couch on Tuesday or Wednesday, and he could hardly get up, and he also sort of fell on his back. The next few days were his last days. My heart was breaking cuz he was going downhill fast, and I tried to get him up so he would at least walk outside.  So on Thursday I shook his bed to get him to go outside, and he reluctantly did, but he walked sideways when he walked across our deck to come indoors.  Then he laid down & didn't get up again. It seemed like he was paralyzed cuz he wouldn't move.  I dropped him off at my regular vet on Friday to have one last effort to find out what was going on, & they took x-rays, gave him fluids, & he ate a little bit of the urgent care canned food while he was there.  They gave me anti-inflammatory pills for him, and said if he didn't recover by Monday then there probably wasn't much hope.  I was so distraught cuz he was paralyzed & wouldn't move out of the bed that I was carrying him around in.  He laid in that bed & didn't move or eat for the rest of the day and night, and the vet told me I could try hoisting him up with a towel to see if I could get him to move, and I tried that, but he just didn't respond & laid in the grass.  During the night he started whimpering around 2:30 am, and I knew he was in pain cuz he hadn't  whimpered like that before.  So I got up & gave him some water & went back to bed.  When I woke up around 7am I tried to give him his anti-inflammatory, and he tried to bite me cuz he was in severe pain. So I couldn't bear to see him suffer & called a local vet, and they were able to work me in & put him to sleep cuz I was beside myself about him being paralyzed & not eating or drinking.  After his death I read that a lot of dogs that are paralyzed can regain movement, but my baby didn't want to eat or drink.  I constantly dwell over whether I could have saved him or did I act to quickly to put him down?? If I had waited and tried to force feed him with hopes that he may have recovered from the paralysis, then maybe he could have lived.. However, seeing him suffering & in pain made me want to set him free from all of that.. I'm heartbroken & devastated, even though I know I cannot bring him back..

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I am so sorry for your loss.  Something had to be seriously wrong and it's terribly hard to watch a pet suffer to death.  It makes me wonder why the vets didn't put more effort into finding out what was wrong as something obviously was.  It may have been something that you couldn't cure if you knew, but the not knowing is hard.  I hope you do not take on this guilt for it belongs to the vets IMO.  You did, again in my opinion, the kindest thing a mom could do, and that is relieve your baby from suffering.  He couldn't go on this way.

http://www.griefhealing.com/blessing-the-bridge.htm
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2014/04/pet-loss-guilt-in-wake-of-euthanasia.html

 

 

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