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Boyfriend of 4 years left after his mom passed away

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Hi everyone, 

My boyfriends mother passed away in January to stage 4 pancreatic cancer. She was his rock. He has been very depressed since it happened, and just two days ago he told me he is no longer in love with me. When i asked him how long he has felt this way he said since his mom died, but that it wasn’t just because of his mom. 

My boyfriend never talks about his feelings. He rarely brought up anything about his mom to me. I never forced it, but always let him know I was there. Before his mom passed, he was so in love with me, consistently for 4 years. It’s so hard for me to believe that he really just doesn’t want to be with me because he isn’t in love with me. I am not trying to give myself false hope, but it just doesn’t make sense to me. 

He told me when we broke up, that i am his best friend, and he didn’t want to lose me in his life. He told me we can still talk, and facetime, and go do things with eachother, but he also told me that he doesn’t see himself every being in love with me again. Then he kept saying he was confused and he didn’t know. I don’t know if he just was trying to make me feel better by saying “i don’t know” instead of plain no but I felt like if someone isn’t in love anymore, no matter how much they care about someone, they don’t offer to still talk, or see eachother. He kissed me about 7 times, hugged me, squeezed me. When i was leaving his house, he told me that this was almost just as hard as losing his mom. We texted later and he told me it’s been one of the hardest days of his life. 

I am just so confused and heartbroken. I understand he needs time to grieve, but i am so scared that we seriously will not get back together ever again. I was going to marry this man. We were one week away from moving into our first apartment together. I am so distraught. My entire life has been flipped upside down. 

Has anyone been in either side of this? Is there any hope? 

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I have been the recipient of a like breakup with my fiance of a year...ten years ago.  His mom was dying and he was anticipatory grieving.  It's common for many grievers to break off their relationship as they have nothing in them for a relationship while grieving.  I have read (and responded to) all of the posts in here and out of the hundreds I recall only one relationship that made it through intact.  So no, I would not give you false hope for the relationship as it was.

I had a few months with no contact but we eventually resumed contact by phone as friends.  It cannot work, however, if one is secretly hoping for something else as you aren't on the same page then.  He did tell me at one point he thought things would have turned out differently had his mom not died.  She was in her 80s, she was bound to die sometime.  I would prefer someone to go through life with, through thick and thin, not break up when things got hard as hard places come to all of us if we're in this long enough.

If he was telling you for four years he was in love with you and suddenly broke up  I would surmise it was the grief.  That he is mixed up is a given.  Grief tends to cloud one's thinking, they call it grief fog, it's hard to have clarity of mind.  But I advise you to respect his wishes, there is no way to make him respond in a different way.  I am sorry fore the pain this has brought you, it will ease eventually.  Right now is a hard time with the pandemic, but when you are able to, I hope you stay close touch with family and friends and activity.

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