Loss of my daughter

[JulieW]

I lost my daughter to breast cancer last month. She was just 25 but had been diagnosed at 21.  

The pain is too much to bare and I have panic attacks at the thought of never seeing her again. I miss her so much.

How do you go on? I have a son and husband and need to be strong for them. 

Julie 

[kayc]

I am so sorry, I've lost about everyone except for my children it seems, I do not envy you...I lost my parents, husband, pets, sister, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousin, niece, nephew, friends.  

4 hours ago, JulieW said:

How do you go on?

I do it by taking on only today...one day at a time has become my way of life.  Sometimes I have to remind myself to get back in today.  Losing my husband was my hardest loss, followed by the loss of my close companion/dog, Arlie, a year ago.  I can imagine losing a child is something you never get over, but rather have to learn to live with, same as losing my husband and my soulmate in a dog.  If that makes any sense to you.  It's the toughest thing I've ever had to do.

We can't always be strong, sometimes we let down, we cry, we scream!  It helps to come here and express yourself to those who get it.  And we do get loss here, even if not the loss of one's child...that I can't imagine, no one can but one who has been there.  My heart goes out to you, I wish more than anything that I could spare you that pain.

I recall how hard it was to do everything alone, without my husband...we were always together when not at work!  I couldn't even get groceries at first.  I remember the first time I had to drive the 100 mile round trip to get groceries without him...couples everywhere, him bagging, her paying...except now I had to do it myself...alone.  Reality began to set in.  I remember the first time I went out to eat alone.  It was pushing past my comfort zone!  Or going to church alone.  I'm on the praise team at my church, always have been, so we're up on the platform, looking out at the congregation, and there was the empty spot where he always sat, smiling at me, my biggest fan and admirer...gone.  It was even worse when someone else sat in HIS spot!  

I know this journey is unique for all of us, that we make our way through this our way, but there's also some commonalities, enough to "get" each other.  This place was a lifesaver to me when I first went through this over 15 years ago with loss of my husband.  I've learned so much here...I hope for you the same peace and comfort.  I know this is a rest of your life thing, not something that's ever over and done with. 

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2014/08/grief-understanding-process.html

[Kevin Thomas]

I’m sorry to hear of your loss. I wish I had words to help but I only lost my son on 10/10/20. It helps me to share with others. I use help loosely because it doesn’t really help. I guess it just brings a little comfort.  I’m thinking and praying for you this morning 

[MomofJoe]

On 9/14/2020 at 3:16 AM, JulieW said:

The pain is too much to bare

 

Julie the pain is too much a lot of the time. I lost my son in April. He was murdered. He was also 25 years old. I am just starting to not cry everyday and not have every thought be of him. Losing a child is complicated and is further complicated in how we lost them. Allow yourself to grieve. And please be kind to yourself. You may not understand that right now, but you will come to. Reach out when you need to. 

[kayc]

@MomofJoeI can't imagine, I am so sorry.  I've lost my husband way too young, and loads of others, and pregnancies, but not an adult child.  I wrote this article a few years after the loss of my husband, I hope something in it helps.  This is a journey for the rest of our lives but it evolves and thankfully doesn't stay in the same intensity.  The hardest thing I've ever dealt with...

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.