It's been too long

[Ztyu123]

12/16
It was on August, 20, 2021..

The pain doesn't ever stop for me
The tears haven't either, just multiply everyday just like the meltdowns 
The guilt doesn't stop
The wishing you were here, but glad that you're not because you were very ill and suffering.  You suffered.
That guilt has me very confused and its conflicting.
The should of's,  could of's,  would of's,  the ifs, the why's,  preoccupy my mind 24/7.
I cry when I'm awake, I cry in my sleep, I wake up crying, go to bed crying, I cry when I have to go out (rarely ever). 

I have no joy (not that I had much to begin with
My physical appearance has deteriorated and I've aged physically and put on weight and it shows.

I don't care about anything anymore.....

Just how much longer I have to wait until death.. 
The only thing that I wish  upon  stars for.

I hope that you're happy and at peace 
Wherever you are

I miss you tremendously