I will never be the same or close to it, just always further away

[Ztyu123]

I will never be the same.
There will always be a larger hole in my heart that will never be filled.
I'm empty and numb still
I still cry and meltdown every single day multiple times a day and night on an endless rotation

I feel guilty even mourning you or missing you .It feels wrong to do so. It feels selfish,  and no matter how hard I try for it not to become and shift towards my own guilt and guilty conscience,  and need to rewind time and stop it  to a point where you were healthy,  thriving, and hopefully happy,

I can only imagine the amount of pain and confusion you were in during your last days. I wish that you weren't. 

I am missing you,
The world is apocalyptic 
Breaths are full of radiation 
Without you. 
I  still love you always,
I hope that you knew/know that

How much longer until I'm with you again?