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Fatal accident which was my fault


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Three weeks ago, I lost my ferret (fall from balcony, after he bit through the safety net). He was very young (8 months), and healthy, and I loved him very much.

I know it was a terrible accident, but as with everyone else here, there are lots of what IFs ... I was with him on the balcony, but I was too slow. What if, instead of hysterically screaming, I would have just stick my hand into the hole he made in the net, and caught him, there was a split second during which it was possible, I think, maybe it wouldn’t work, but there was a chance... I can see him falling, it took so long in my mind. He must have felt terrible, scared, not knowing what is happening.

When I got downstairs, it couldn’t have been more then 2-3 minutes, I don’t know I just run the whole way, he was alive. I didn’t expect it, and again it went through my mind that there is a chance, especially when he looked up at me after hearing my voice and made a move towards me. Fortunately I had my phone with me, it was just instinct to grab it, I immediately called taxi, he was there in less than five minutes. Before he arrived, I made calls to the vets, which I have on speed dial, while trying to calm down and calm him down. He was in shock, I could tell, but he knew that I was there with him. He was silent, no screams of pain... how could he, he is a ferret, mute, he cannot speak, but I knew this was bad.

There are only two ferret specialists in Prague, both of them about 20-30 minutes away. Unfortunately they weren’t in since it was Saturday, so there was only ER vet present, but I was sure they will come in for this emergency. So I made decision to go to one of them. We arrived there about 25-30 minutes after the fall. The ER vet did some basic check-up, and called the ferret specialist, which was what I hoped for. Unfortunately, I got bad news, that she is out of town, and cannot come. Why didn’t I choose the second specialist? Maybe she would have been able to come... I am not saying that the ER vet was bad, but ferrets are very special animals, and cannot be compared to cats and dogs, they are very different.

The ER vet did an x-ray, and fortunately sent the pictures to the specialist... And, oh my god, there was another hope for me, for him. I couldn’t believe that, but after 8 story fall, there were no fractures, and no internal bleeding. All the time when I was holding him before the x-ray, he was conscious, even some pink color returned to his precious little nose, he was moving, and even bit me in the nose (he loved biting noses). Then the doctor took him, saying that since they cannot see any internal injuries, except probably slightly bruised lungs, they can only treat him symptomatically. I was bit calmer that the specialist at least saw the x-ray pictures and told myself that she knows better. So he took him, gave him pain killers and fluids. Saying he will do ultrasound later that day and will keep him there at least for two days. Again, the ultrasound later that day looked good, again no signs of internal damage. I didn’t want to, but there was nothing to do from my side and I went home.

I was scared shitless. They told me they will call only if something goes wrong. They said that the staff will be there 24/7, and if there will be some complications with breathing, because of the bruised lungs, they have oxygen chambers.

I was counting minutes, then hours... 2, 4, 10, 15, 20... still no call. But then after 22 hours, there was a call, seeing the ID of the caller on the display, I didn’t want to pick up... the vet’s office. I hoped that they will say, he is still ok, and they are just updating me. But they didn’t. They said that he was ok during night, no breathing problems, and he even enthusiastically ate several times. But then, 30 minutes prior the call, something went wrong, quickly, suddenly, he got worse and died. Just like that.

So another what IFs came... why didn’t I tell him to do check-up x-rays every 6 hours or so, I would have gladly pay for them, and maybe there would have been some changes visible, but I didn’t think of it. What if I took him to the different vet, not the specialists which I knew they were not there (but thought they will come), but to the closest one. The different vet was only 10 minutes maybe less away from my home, maybe those minutes would have made difference, maybe not. Why didn’t I tell him to give him some painkillers right away, maybe he would have been calmer, and definitely in less pain immediately. What if it was working day, and not Sunday? What if I tried to persuade them to let me stay? I know it wasn’t an option, but he would be definitely calmer, and not alone. Just so many variables.

So now I went from full drive hyperactive ferret to... nothing, to terrible emptiness. I am crying, I am slapping myself literally, screaming, lighting candles, talking to him, just to see if there will be some response. Every time I hear some sound in the apartment I call him, and I even wrote him a 7 pages long letter. But this doesn’t change anything.

Again, I know it was an accident, but I am so ashamed that I didn’t protect him, I am so angry at myself. But I know it won’t change anything, it’s no use.

I love you baby, I am missing your weight and warmth of your little furry body lying on me. I want to hold you, give you kisses on your tummy, little paws, and head, and stroke your white fur. I want you to chase me, and I want to chase you. I want you to follow me everywhere, even into the toilet like you used to. I want you to bite my nose, my hands, my toes.

I picked up his little body from the vet, I spent several hours with him before we buried him in our garden in his blanket and with his favourite toy. Now I am just sniffing all his things and sleeping with other blankets of his.

It was the only major mistake I ever did with my ferrets, and it was fatal, and you paid the price. Now you are alone, and I am alone. You didnt get to live your life. It hurts, and it sucks, and there is nothing anyone can do.

I miss you.



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OMG, I look at the picture of that sweet face and my heart just bleeds for you.  Your sweet baby.  Please try not to be too hard on yourself, I know you feel responsible, we all do, I doubt there's a one of us that doesn't go through the "what ifs" as we try to find some different possible outcome other than the one that happened.  We don't know what we don't know and it seems all of these deaths we go through this, it's just too unpalatable to process, it takes much time to be able to cope a bit.  Know he is at peace now and where his spirit went there is no pain or sorrow, we will be with them again when our time comes.

Comfort for Grieving Animal Lovers
A Dangerous Villain: Guilt

I hope this short video brings you some comfort and peace.


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