I just couldn't come out and I feel lost

[graceY.H.W]

I lost my old friend 2 weeks ago. It's been 2 weeks and I'm still stuck. He is a Rottweiler mix and I got him 10 years ago. He suddenly got hips dysplasia at his back leg and got really bad in just one month time, I've bringing him to vet for checkup every year and the report shows that he is healthy. But why, why he got hips dysplasia so suddenly, why he got so serious in just one month time, and I've been giving him supplements the whole time, I have so many questions to ask but no one could answer.

He started limping months ago, I'm so worried about him and that is the time where I decided to seek for a remote job, it's quite hard for a fresher to get  a remote job but I just did not want to give up. Many of my friends and family said that I should give up and get a regular job, and tell me to stop thinking about my dog and focus on my future but I just couldn't do it. I can't leave my dog alone, 10 years ago when I got him I've promise him that I will be with him when he was in his golden years. I even pray and hope that I could stay with him when he took his last breath.

I've been searching for a job for the past six month, although I have financial financial stress I still want to get a remote job and stay by his side, and this is what I promise him. At that time I was on my own, no one believes in me except myself. One day when I woke up I just feel everything is not right, but I just don't know where that feeling came from, I had an interview in the afternoon, after the interview the feeling of something that is not right is getting stronger and stronger. I decided to sit at the side of my dog, pat him, talk to him, tell him that I got an interview today and maybe this time I was able to work remotely and I can be with him. After 1 hour, my dog stared at me, I have a really bad feeling, he took his last breadth, and he closed his eyes. I cried and I know that I lose him forever. It was so sudden, although I know that this day will eventually come but I just........I haven't prepare for this. Few days ago, he refuse to eat but he will drink. I brought him to the vet and the vet said everything is normal. Few days after he passed away, I met with the vet and the vet asked about him, I told the vet that he had passed away. The vet said, he is old enough and it's his time to go. I know I still feel sad and guilty, but I always ask myself is a 10 year old dog very old? But his fur is still so shiny, and his teeth is still there, he don't even have white hair. Is he really that old? No one could ever answer me.

The next day he passed away, I got the job that I interviewed for but he is not there anymore. I feel lost. I this 10 years I walked him twice a day, cooked for him, play with him in the evening, say good night to him when I go to bed, buy him treats and fresh food and etc. Suddenly I got so many spare time and I don't know what to do. It's so weird and I'm not used to this situation. I refuse to look at everything that is regarding to dogs, Instagram post,  YouTube video, Facebook pages and even online shopping platform because I bought a lot of doggie products and the platform kept recommending to me. 

 

My family member couldn't understand my feeling and they even taught that I'm crazy because I was down for so many days. They don't understand my feeling. My beloved dog accompany me through all those ups an downs in my life, I'll tell him all my problems and also share with him all my happy moments. I still remember that when I was in my internship, I refuse to work OT. Everyday I'll go back home on time just to bring him to the park, walk him and cook for him. All my colleagues know that I rush back home because of my dog.  

 

I hope that he is doing well up there and if possible give me a sign to let me know that he is fine. I feel lost, stuck and I do cry a lot. 

 

 

[Novi]

I don't think it matters if they are with us for a few years or decades, it will never be long enough. It does sound like you took very good care of him and gave him a wonderful life. What was his name?

Sometimes family members just don't understand. I've dealt with that too. It's frustrating but we need to remember how lucky we are and how much they are missing out because they have never felt that special bond/love we have had with an animal. 

Just take your time and grieve, don't worry what other people think. We all grieve in our own way and at our own pace. For example, for me the only thing that helped was to focus on the task of compiling all my pictures and videos of my cat Beck after he passed away and organizing them by date. It kept me busy. I even had a photo printed and I framed it, and hung it up beside the paw prints my vet made for me after he died. I've heard people say before that looking at pictures is far too painful so close after the death. But for me it was the only thing that made me feel somewhat better.

I'm sorry for your loss and please take care of yourself. 

[kayc]

I am so sorry for your loss, it sounds like your relationship with him was much like me with my Arlie.  He was 11 1/2 (cancer) and I had him 10 1/2 years.  It helped me to write about him, to immortalize him in a way.  

 

The grief we feel can seem all encompassing.  I still have a "shrine" for him in my bedroom, his collar & leash hanging by the door, his coat on my chair, and have kept his water bowl full.  I painted rocks for his grave and keep it cleaned off.  I know he is not there, his spirit is in heaven, yet I do it out of respect for him.  

Sending you comforting thoughts and hoping this brings you some comfort...

 

[graceY.H.W]

@Novi His name is Rocky and this is his picture

 

And this is him when he's waiting for food

 

This is him when he's on a car ride

 

 

These few days I've been looking at his pictures, organizing them and print them out to keep in my album. By looking at his picture, it reminds me of all those happy and wonderful moments that we spent together. Thank you

 

 

 

[kayc]

He's beautiful, he looks so happy!

[Novi]

Rocky was absolutely beautiful. Thank you for sharing his pictures. 

I hope that going through all the pleasant memories has helped you. I imagine it brought many tears too. I can't remember where I read this but someone wrote that tears are just words we aren't saying out loud. For myself sometimes it is just easier to cry than talking to someone about my pain.