My mother Maria Elena Jimenez Guzman is back home with Father God

[MexicanLena]

Tomorrow at exactly 9.43 am local central time, will mark one week since my mother left to go back home to God Almighty.  She was 73 springs old, merciful, joyful, pious, and devout. Her agony started in December 2021, however, we, her daughters are too f****** stubborn to just let her go, so we clung to her and pulled her through a crisis after crisis.  Until one day she yelled at us asking us to let her die, to let her go home. 

Still, afterward, she told us that she did not want to die.  So we clung to her a little more. She decided that she did not want to take any more cancer medication, no more chemo, no more radio.  She had breast cancer, and then was diagnosed with Nash (non-alcoholic cirrhosis).  10 years later, damn cancer returned with mets in the lung, T10, and hip.  She was a trooper and took the chemo and the radio.  It took more than a toll on her, then some idiot decided to eat some bat soup´; she was sequestered at home because we did not dare to risk our most precious being to covid.  She got depressed.  

We were SO focused on the BC, the anemia, the reaction to the covid vaccine, with the idea that the hepatologist said that her liver was recuperated and that we never thought about the cirrhosis.  Two months ago we were desperate and finally took her for a scan.  The "recovered" liver never recovered, the cirrhosis was very much alive and well.  It was full-blown cancerous, with mets in lungs, L2 and mediastino (sorry, don't know the English word for it).  There was nothing we could do, she already had ascites. 

Someone told us that a Denver shunt would help her survive.  BD never told us that they don't do it anymore.  US providers told us they had it.  We spent one month and a bucket of cash trying to get it home, then we learned that they were trying to sell us a Denver shunt that is not suitable for humans.  We could only make her comfortable. 

We did try one last resort.  it did not work.  We were forced to put mom on heavy pain medication.  Cleaning her up was extremely painful for her, so much so, that despite the painkillers she would come out of the pain-free world and scream at me to let her go, as I moved her as little as possible, just to clean her up.  

It came to a point where when she hear my voice, felt my touch or smelled my scent she cringed and cried.  she sobbed once or twice.  The funeral home came and took her remains in a blanket.  she lost 3/4 of her weight due to the ascites and cancer itself. I was pissed at the way they moved my mother's body.  But I was too numb to say anything. 

They prepped her body and were kind enough to remove the liquid from her stomach cavity.  If you have seen any documentary on world war 2, and you have seen the bodies of the prisoners in Auschwitz, you know how my mother looked. she was just a small, precious sack of bones.  I never knew if cancer had reached her brain, but I suspect it did as my mother had personality chances that were sometimes very radical. she forgot things and even words that she used every day.

This week I've seen old people walking around on the street and I am filled with anger, anguish, and jealousy.  Why are these people alive?¡???  Why isn't my mother with me?!?!?! I know she's in Heaven.  She's told me so.  on the day of her cremation, my stanged family (my father's brothers) took my sister and me to eat something.  We had asked mom to let us know loud and clear that she had arrived at heaven, that she was with our granma (her mom) so that we could be at peace.  

This is something that weighed heavily on our minds and hearts. During lunch, a lone troubadour came about and sang two characteristic and heavily mom-related songs.  My mother was at some point a preschool teacher, she loved children and she would teach them this little nursery song.  that is the first song the troubadour sang.  The second one related to the pet nickname I would call her constantly.  I would call her "bonita" (pretty) and she would complain that she felt I was talking to a horse. I replied to her that it was "bonita" like the song (pretty, like the toys I used to have in the day of my childhood" goes the song) and that is the second song sung. 

I am a bit more at peace now.  I still cry and I expect I will do so for the longest time. My mother died of cancer.  My father's family (9 siblings) have had diabetes or cancer or both) so I know I am screwed.  I am considering smoking as it can't hurt. LOL  

I want to thank everyone in this forum.  I came here not often as I was busy helping mom.  Now,  I plan to visit a bit more often and help others.

[kayc]

I am so sorry for your loss.  For your mom the battle is over, for you, no, for now you're taking on the pain of grief, although undoubtedly grieved some ahead of time.

My heart goes out to you.  I hope you will continue to come here to talk, cry, vent.  It helps.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.