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I just want to be with you now. Please show me the way .I'll come now


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Tried to rush out to collect packages from my steps.. unspotted...as I usually do..

Unfortunately neighbors spotted me..

They barraged and interrogated me....

With questions and unsolicited offensive hurtful suggestions in regards to you.

Them: Haven't seen you or the dog in awhile. 

Me: Jada. A living being. Not a social constructed label.

Them: I'm assuming she passed.

Me: Yes.

Them: When?

Me: 2 years in August.

Them:  are you going to get a new one?

Me: Jada can never be replaced. 

Them: I'm surprised because you love animals.

Me: She wasn't that label.

Them: She's never coming back ..you should get a pooch...

Me: No one knows that. Who said she's gone? I don't know what that is....

Them: You look well. Have you been okay?

Me: (looks in mirror everyday I look like death and removed.. because death has removed me) You do too. 

(Lies) Yes I'm okay. Thanks for asking.

Them: Why don't you get another one? 

Me: (lies again) I'll think about it.

Them: You should get another one..it would be great for you. 

Me: (lies again) it's not time yet.

Them: It would be really nice for you.

Me: (lies again) Maybe. (Lies to escape) Take care. Have a good day.

I run into the house, throw myself across the bed, breakdown and meltdown. 

I'm soo sorry, my sweet baby girl. I couldn't do better. I couldn't give you the life you deserved. I didn't do right by you... I couldn't save you. I'm sorry people are cruel now and before...

I love you soo much ..I miss you soo much... I hope you know.

I cried myself to sleep ..I stay that way for 2 days..crying as usual...and sleeping....hoping to catch you in a dream......

I never do. 

The pain is worse now..more intense 


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