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I'm sorry baby


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I miss my baby girl....alot...more than anyone will ever know

My "family" threw her bed and some of her things out....but I was able to recover her bed from the rubbish....and I lugged it back in our room...

I hope that my baby forgives me....I wanted to leave her bed as is with covers and all....but in order for them to leave it alone....

I had to buy a bed frame and make it like I was going to use it for a bed ...

I sleep on a sofa ... my baby had my mom's old queen sized mattress...

I really hate that I did that.

It deeply hurts me..

I just want to be with my baby. There's nothing for me here. 

I've been miserably pretending that I'm "happy" and "alright" around everyone.....so they can leave me alone....leave us to be together in grief ...

But I'll never be okay ....I never was ..I never will be ..I had a terrible life, and my baby's presence in my life made me feel

Worthy of life...

I wasn't worthy. I'm still not.

I will never be because I couldn't save her, and I need to be with her soon..
She saved me, and I couldn't save her. I wasn't worthy of her being in my life...

I couldn't even give her the life ... perhaps "passing" that she deserved.

I'm useless
I just want to be my authentic numb very depressed self.....

I'm tired of sneaking and hiding in places or waiting until night to cry and melt further

I'm tired of it all.

Please forgive me Jada.

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