just to share my little story...

[Blink2511]

Hi all (sorry my bad english).

in the last weeks i've read a lot of stories and comments here and i found them very helpful. i'm just another guy who's living the same situation and i want to share.

I've had a beautiful relationship with this guy, we're going to call him L., since 2021. From March 2022 his brother was diagnosed with a brain cancer, the situation was very negative but i promise to stay with him even in those bad times. well after a surgery his brother recover was 100% good and our relationship went very well. one year later, the cancer came back, and this time was inoperable. L. cried a lot and told me " if i were you i would runaway from this situation" but i loved him, and i decided to stay, no matter the price. The summer 2023 went terribly wrong, despite my hints to not go away from our country, L. decided to take a trip (with me) for a week far away from home. during this week i've mistakenly thought to not introduce the "brother topic" not to hurt him or make him sad, but to leave him free to talk about it if he wants. This resulted in an argument at our come back to italy, because "you don't think at my brother and you don't know that i'm suffering and always thinking about him".

i've had to admit, i'm a only child and my parents are still alive, i don't know how to deal with this kind of troubles. so i spoke to L., about my needs to talk with him and discover what he needs to be done to feel comprehension. after that it looked like we had a deal and our relationship continued.

Shortly after the Xmas holidays, in January 2024, his brother became seriously ill, half paralyzed and unable to stay alone. my thought again was to take him out from this situation, offering him to stay with me in my house for an hour or two, maybe after dinner, so we can have time together and talk without anyone around (he lives with his parents and other 2 bros.). Every invite was declined, and after 2/3 weeks we argue again. L. explained me that another time he didn't feel comprehension and he cannot leave his house, because he needs to stay and help so i'll have to enter in his house and stay with him. I decided to follow his instructions and everyday, after work, i came into his house and stayed with him and his parents, with this guy -slowly dying- in front of me. this trend continued until the sad moment when his brother left us. 

since then L. changes, phone messages and calls are decreased to the barely minimum. every invite declined and also every attempt to see him result in a NO. in one month i saw him only 2 times, during a lunch with his friends (with them he was smiling and cute, with me not a single word ) and during a volleyball match, same behaviour. he was definitely pushing me away. 

and here we come, when finally L. decided to talk to me and explain this things in climax:

1- "i'm sorry for my behaviour during the last month, i've decided to breakup because i can't feel anything in this moment and i know you've tried your best but i didn't love you anymore"

2- "you should have done things differently, come in my house often, ask things or write messages differently, ... , you showed me lack of empathy and even my therapist is worried for you. " (his therapist never spoke with me ...)

3- "you're not even 'out' with your family and they're not gonna miss me ... you coward"

4- "that is to say... in those 3 yrs. me neither i've treated you well .... i'm sorry ... maybe after this summer you can try and message me, we can restart as friends"

it's been 4 weeks now, i'm literally destroyed from this situation. i entered no contact the same day of our breakup and i'm still into NC. i'm already super busy with work and sport (i'm in a swim team that absorb all my spare time) and sometimes nostalgia knock at my door. Moreover those things he said to me, hurt like hell, i didn't think to be so evil that even his therapist is worried about my misconduct. if he decided to breakup for his love faded out, why did he choose to hurt me like that ?!

i've got mixed feelings, and i can't hide that i'm still hope for a rekindle maybe in the future. 

[kayc]

I am truly sorry for what you're going through, been there, done that!  I applaud you for NC as yu need to focus on you and let him do him.

It's hard, but it gets easier as time goes by.    This is my story:
Here I Go Again

 

[Blink2511]

Thank Kayc, i've already read your posts  

NC seems to be the only way to save my mental health, i can't handle to see his posts and stories on social thinking of what he had done to me, or seeing him with others ... no i will be too jealous, i'm not in a good place at the moment.

now and then the words that he said to me came to my mind, and it's really hurting. maybe he wanted to let me suffer as he was suffering ... and he wreaks all his angry to me, making me feel guilty of everything  

[kayc]

I agree and I'm glad you've come to that conclusion, I think it'll be your best option for YOU.  Bless you as you go forward with your life!  And again, I am so sorry you are going through this, I know it's tough.  It'll be better in time...

[Blink2511]

hi all

just a quick update.

we're still no contact. no sign of rekindle or anything. last week a friend of mine showed me that my XBF is already on the dating apps and looking for random s3x ... i'm shattered into pieces ... but i think this will help to put the word END to this sad story.

i hope all the best for you and thanks for your help! bye

[kayc]

I'm sorry.  I hope you will continue to let us know how YOU are!

[Blink2511]

Hi Kayc  so let's update.

i'm doing fine with friends and family and swim team. i'm tryin to organize my summer holidays all alone and see what happens.

still no news, still no contact with L. i'm talking sometimes with his mother instead. at the moment only via messages (obviously we don't talk about him but only about her and her husband); our friendship is holding on and idk if it's good or bad for me, but she's such a lovely lady.  i'm planning to visit on her bday in july, of course when L. will not be home, and give her a big big hug. 

some things still make me mad, the fact that he's on gr1ndr for example, or the likes that he sends to other guys on tw1tter and 1nstagram ... apparently my posts are not worth of that interest  but i know it's all in my head. after all i can say that things are slowly getting better on my side. i still love him, i still care, and i still think of what i could possibly had done wrong to deserve such a treatment. but i'm tryin' to forgive me and move on, everyday the pain is slightly less. my therapist suggest me to "imagine the next frame of your life" and this will be my mission for this period of time.

all the best  ciao from italy

[kayc]

MY POSITIVE IS I MADE IT HOME IN ONE PIECE!  TALKED TO SON AN HOUR! They got a new Husky, 140 lbs, he's already lost seven. Grizz Lee, he's adorable. 

Exhausted! Iris called me at 12:30, needed a ride to Eugene for an eye appointment, they'd just had a cancellation and the appt was at 12:15. Left at 1, got there about 2 (I drove a little faster than usual and we didn't hit construction).  Waited for two hours+ for her to get out.  Kodie was an angel. Took him out to pee and got him a drink.  Got gas, stopped at store briefly, came home and put my stuff in the fridge, took her home and let Kodie and Jazzy play, came home, let him poop/pee. fed Panther.   Iris has retinol issues, has to go back in a month for testing again, then go from there.
Skunk came onto patio and would not leave early this morning, very brazen!  Sprayed and sprayed and sprayed. Burning a candle today.

On 6/10/2024 at 7:39 AM, Blink2511 said:

i still love him, i still care, and i still think of what i could possibly had done wrong to deserve such a treatment. but i'm tryin' to forgive me and move on, everyday the pain is slightly less. my therapist suggest me to "imagine the next frame of your life" and this will be my mission for this period of time.

Hang in there, I went through it years ago when Jim broke up with me, it hurts like hell in the early days but it gets better.  

[DBeans]

I still come back here often, just to read and see how much similarity we all have experienced: the seemingly sudden flip of a switch, the conflicting messages of love and hate, the feelings of hurt/betrayal/confusion/“I should have done more”. It gives me that sense of community, that I’m not the only one. Hang in there, and trust KayC when she says she knows what you’re going through. Hang in there!!!

[kayc]

You aren't the only one, trust me!

[Blink2511]

ehi @DBeans thanks for your message. yes it seems quite a common pattern in all this -sad- stories.

idk if it has to do with the avoidant attachment style or other psychological stuff. i've had to admit, i'm still feel guilty of all the thing he said to me during the breakup. unfortunately saturday night a friend in common shared a stories in IG with him, he was smiling and was very happy in the crowd of milano pride. it hurts but at least he's now happy with that beautiful smile -or at least it seems that way.

i can't see the end of this tunnel, i've already dated a guy, a very good one that he's treating me very well. but in my mind something is not ready

[kayc]

On 7/2/2024 at 9:34 AM, Blink2511 said:

i'm still feel guilty of all the thing he said to me during the breakup.

Just remember, that alone doesn't define you, you are not merely what he said, you are so much more.  Maybe see a counselor/therapist to help you through the transition.  I've always found them to be very helpful, all except one bad one I got.  Marty here has helped me tremendously over the years, with her articles, comments.

Wishing you well, thanks for updating us!  

[Blink2511]

Hello @kayc

yes i'm already talking with a therapist since months ... she's helping me but i think it's still to early. she said that now i'm going to approach the 3rd stage, the sadness, and i've got to live it up fully without fear of cryin or whatever ... because it's a human nature. but most important i've got to "make space for someone else", cleaning my mind and memories, cleaning the objects from his "aura" and so on ... and i'm tryin to work on it

as i said before idk how to feel there are days where i feel super happy and confident, busy with work and social life. other days where i'm home, alone and nostalgia hits harder than ever. i'm not check him up on social or other stuff at least. i've got a strong self-control.

tbh i'm angry because everybody tells me that's "not personal", but to me this is madness. this thing IT'S PERSONAL. after 2 years and a half and all of that we've been through, it's personal. his detachment, his pushing me away and cutting me off, his blaming on me for things that ive done, the dating apps after 2 weeks from the BU ... he knows how to hurt me and he decided to hurt me. i only want to know "why"  

i can't remember a so deep sadness for the previous breakups, maybe because there was a fault, a cheat. but this... i thaught to have big shoulders (also literally ... for swimming) to withstand some heartache in life ... but maybe i was wrong; i'm feeling on the ground and i can't get up.

thanks as usual  ciao!

[kayc]

I went through that some with Jim, esp. in the early time, it hurt so bad.  Then to find out all these years later that he was MARRIED the whole time!  Unreal.  I feel duped, toyed with.  His daughter says not, maybe his Asperger's played in to some degree but all it shows is he was living in a fantasy world and it affected me.

There was a site we both belonged to and now it won't let me in.  I have a lot of that lately, UPS won't let me in to their site. My late husband's and my email account shut me out (said on the dark web)...technology...good or bad?  Mixed reviews.