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Loss Of A Wonderful Mother


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I lost my mom, she was 53, February 8th, 2004 two days before my 24th birthday. She was diagnosed with terminal cancer October 8th, 2003 in the emergency room. There was nothing they could do, so hospice came in. She fought it to the very end. She was not going to go without a fight. My mom was so brave and such a caring, wonderful person. She was not only my mom, but my best friend. I could tell her everything and she was always there for me no matter what. Now I am at a complete loss without her. There's no doubt in my mind that she's in heaven. But, it's still hard to believe that she's gone. I feel guilty for not being there for her as much as I was in the begining when we found out about the cancer. I backed off when my brother and sister came into town. I felt like I was no longer needed and if I couldn't be the one taking care of her I stayed away; which now makes me feel guilty and selfish. Because I felt I was the only one out of us kids who truly cared for her. My mother and I were never close when I was little, but for the past 10 years there was no separating us. We became dependent on each other. Always were together doing stuff. I went back to work February 17th and everyone tells me I look more relieved and that I look like I'm doing good. In a way, I feel bad that I'm going back to my old routine right away, but I know my mom would want it that way. However, I don't think that it has really hit me yet. I'm afraid of what will happen when it really does hit me. I feel so alone because I do not have anyone that I can talk to like I could talk to her; its just not the same.

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Hello Btrflie-

I feel for you - I really do. I lost my mother 2 years ago, 2 weeks after her cancer diagnosis, and my father, who had initially been the one who had been ill, 7 weeks later. Both died in my home; with the help of hospice, my husband and I and our 2 teenagers were able to help my parents make their final journeys. The missing is terrible for us, isn't it? I have no siblings - my brother died 18 years ago, at the age of 35. So when you say you feel alone, I can understand.

There is something earth shattering about losing our Moms - a connection is broken in a way like no other. But I want to tell you that although these 2 years have been hard and emotional, life has gone on. I want to share a moment that meant a lot to me. About 6 months after my parents died, I was looking at the stars at night, crying quietly,thinking about them. And I found myself wishing for a sign - a tap on the shoulder, a flash of light - anything to assure me that my parents, and the love we shared, were with me that night. As I had that thought, incredibly, a shooting star streaked across the sky. I gasped, but thought to myself - "A coincidence!" - and lo and behold, in that very instant, another shooting star sped by - exactly in the path of the first.

I never feel quite as lonely any more. I carry the memory of that moment with me at all times, and I share it with you to remind you that you are not alone. You are never alone. Your mother is, indeed, with you. In your heart, and in the stars, and in the fresh breeze that caresses your hair on a spring day. Don't feel guilty. It is a waste of time and energy - you loved your mother and she loved you. Never lose sight of that. Remember that the friends and coworkers who tell you you look good - tell you that because they want you to be well. They sometimes don't know how long and how hard this time can be for you - but always remember that they mean well. You will shed tears, and those tears will help you heal. If harder times come (and they may well), find someone to help you to talk, to listen. Write your mother a letter. That really helps too. And Hospice probably has a grief counselor for you to contact.

I hope you remember that you don't always have to be strong. Loss hurts. But it gets easier - and eventually, memories can make you smile and feel warm, instead of just bringing forth your tears.

I wish you well,

Maxine

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