6 Month Mark Was October 2nd

[Whiteswan]

I woke up on Oct 2nd feeling dread -- a work day to get through on the 6 month anniversary of my beloved Mother's death! So... I painted on the smile and pulled out my nice charming mask to present to the world while I felt like dying inside! My son and I had put flowers on my Mom's grave the weekend prior and I just couldn't bring myself to go there the day of the anniversary. It really sent me for a reel! I went into depression that whole weekend , angry at God, doubting God, seeing and resenting everything that is wrong with this world , hating heartless people like my sister and nephew and so on. This weekend is the Canadian Thanksgiving so my son and I took flowers to my Mom's grave yesterday and once again I had a very bad night after. Lots of anger at the injustices in this world and doubting God. BUT today was different. I wrote God a letter -- almost like my own psalm and then got really quiet instead of ranting at Him. All of a sudden I felt peace , like my old self (the self I used to be before my Mom got real sick and died) was being revived. I realized that after her death I allowed myself to fill myself with hatred, impatience, doubt and all kinds of other negative things . When she died and before then I was always basically a loving, kind, fun loving , tolerant, understanding and very patient person and the emotional blow of her death drained me -- completely depleted me and instead of asking God to fill me back up with the good stuff again (I believe He fills us up with it to begin with or we wouldn't have it at all) I took it upon myself to fill me up but with all the wrong stuff to the point where I hardly recognized myself anymore. (At times I felt like some stranger had moved into my body as the moods and so on were so out of character!) I know grief is not over but I feel I am more me again. I had been looking for God in all of this and when I didn't find Him I doubted Him but I realized in the quiet on my bed today that I was the one lost , not God, so I told Him that and told Him He'd have to look for me because I was the lost sheep and I couldn't keep looking for Him or I'd get even more lost. That was it! In a short time I felt PEACE go through me and a flood of understanding , almost like a revelation. Anyone know what I mean? It is hard to describe. I feel more like me again. Anyone else ever had this type of experience? Hugs and love to all.

[dpodesta]

Whiteswan,

The 6th was my six month anniversay of my wife's passing. I left to drive to South Carolina on vacation, so I kept my mind busy with that. However I do remember a time where I have felt what you felt. I remember that I was totally into myself and not doing a very good job of running my life. I remember telling God to take control and that I can't do it anymore. It was then that there was a peace that envoloped me like I had never felt before. This was 17 years ago after my grandmother who lived with us died earlier that year. Since then, I have taken it back many times and have yet to come back to the point of just saying God take this away from me, but I have been very close. I know one day I will hit a downward spril and it will be then that I will ask God to take it and keep it.

It really helps me to hear that you knew where to direct your anger towards, I haven't been able to direct mine yet, I know I have itand sometimes it is the people around me that recieve it. I just haven't been able to really direct the anger, it is like I am angry at the situation not anyone inparticular. One day I hope to be rid of the anger and move onward and I know God can help me do that.

Derek