Incredibly Painful Day -

[STOO]

I just passed the five month mark. I do not feel at all better - in many ways I feel worse than ever. I miss my love so much. And today is the worst of all; today is his birthday and I cannot celebrate with him. We had so many ways of connecting and sharing our love- and birthdays were always incredibly sweet, full of tender surprises and loving sharing. This year the closest I could come to him was taking flowers to his grave. Somehow it was not comforting at all - being there in a foot of snow, and knowing the lovely flowers will be withered in only hours. Maybe that's appropriate though - because thats how I feel. Having him in my life was beautiful, colorful and vibrant - and now, like the bouquet, I'm just fading away. Christmas is just around the corner -- I want no part of it. I cannot feel happiness amymore.

[Roswell]

Sorry to hear that you're feeling so down. Please be reminded that this is a difficult time of the year.

The holidays have a strange effect on us, and tend to play havoc on our emotions.

This holiday season is my two year mile marker, and can honestly tell you that it hasn't gotten any

easier. In fact...I couldn't miss her more!

I can't speak for everyone, what hurts most is knowing you'll never love like that again, nor will you

ever allow someone to get that close. Building a shield around your heart, a layer of protection.

My former significant other once told me my heart was like an onion. That slowly but surely she'd

peel away each layer of hurt.

She managed the impossible, became my best friend, and it's her friendship that I miss most.

That said, please don't be too harsh on yourself. And although you want nothing to do with it,

SEASONS GREETINGS, MERRY CHRISTMAS.

With great sincerity, William

[STOO]

William,

Thank you for responding to my post; I appreciated someone taking the time to "talk" to me. For the last few days it's been very difficult for me to find energy to do anything - even post here on the board. In my life, I'm trying to not bring others down. I know that Christmas is special and exciting for people --- just this year I cannot enjoy anything about it. and I have tried... If I attempt to bake cookies, I think about what a little boy at heart my precious one was, and how he would wait around for warm cookeis. The snow is another sorrow - we loved walks in the snow - making angels, and snowpeople and keeping eachther warm. A trip out to purchase gifts brought fresh grief, because the greatest gift of my life was sharing it with my special love... and I can't do that anymore. The decorations bring me no cheer. I'm so very sad and alone and I can't seem to bring myself up ~STOO~

[shell]

Stoo,

This is such a hard time of year for people grieving. It's almost impossible not to be extra stressed and depressed. I understand your desire to not bring others around you down, and I commend you for that. Right now you just have to do whatever it takes to get through the holidays, and if that means ignoring them or staying more to yourself, then that's what you have to do. Take care of yourself and your feelings first and let the other stuff slide. I know all of us can't wait until the holiday fuss is over...and it will be, remember that! I remind myself of that often, it won't last forever....kind of seems like it, huh?

Hugs,

Shell

[Paul S]

I agree with Shell. This time of year you may have to spend extra time taking care of yourself. Your emotional tank may not be full enough to deal with everybody else and also the meaning of the holydays. Do what you can to get through. People need to know that this year, Christmas isn't going to be the same.